A while back, I was asked by someone "How would you describe the way you want to live your life?".... And I was stumped. I didn't know the answer. I had not thought about it that way before... and I wonder why I had not thought about this before. I don't know.. maybe I did... years ago, when I was younger, and still felt unchained by the world and all it's burdens & responsibilities.
I was thought to be obedient, and I obediently went through the motions of life.. studying, getting an education, finding a good job, showing dedication at work, taking care of the family and its needs. It's the normal thing society expected. I had a crazy suicidal mom, philandering messed up father, 2 step mothers and a dysfunctional childhood...... all I wanted was to be normal.
And now, after 25 years of living on this earth.. I finally feel like I'm normal enough to be just like anyone else. The question of how I WANTED to live my life caught me in my tracks. Answering "I just want to be normal" sounded more like something a confused teenager would say. But maybe that was the closest I have to an answer. There has been only one mode of living that I knew from my childhood, which was survival mode. Take care of yourself, preserve your sanity, and get through this in one piece; that pretty much summed it up for me. And when you're surviving, you don't pick and choose.. you just do the best with what you have and try to be happy along the way. And I guess in that sense, I think I succeeded, and those who know my life duly acknowledged that.
I knew exactly how I had been living my life, and patted myself in the back for a job well done surviving. But how do I want to live my life from now on? Now that I am an adult, now that I make decisions of my own... how do I want to live my life? What kind of life will I consider a life lived well at my death bed... whenever that may be?
When we were in school, art class involved everyone bring with them some drawing paper, pencils, pens, erasers and water colours. The teacher would give everyone exactly one hour to draw whatever it is they wanted to draw. Sometimes there was a theme, sometimes there it was free sketch. Some friends do amazing things with just a clean sheet of paper and a pencil. They create the most amazing and breathtaking drawings; portraits, landscapes, abstracts.... it didn't matter. To me, they were not only amazing to behold.. but immensely personal. What have I drawn? What did I know how to draw? Two stick people, half a dozen skeleton birds, trees that looked more like broccoli, and two mountains that would look more like a woman's bra.... (It's not funny k!!.. :-P)
That's how creative I was in trying to create something from a clean sheet of paper... And that is how I feel like right now as I think about how I want to draw out the story of my life. Because in a way, that's what God gave us; A clean sheet of paper in the form of life itself. Utensils in the form of people and the world. Hands in the form of freewill in our hearts and minds. And finally, a times-up buzzer that could go off at any moment. God gave me everything I needed to start....... but I feel neither certain of what I want to draw.. nor confident in my ability to make it beautiful and meaningful at the end of the day when God himself, just like the art teacher, comes collecting us for his evaluation. Many will have beautiful lives to show for... not necessarily spectacular.. but still amazing to behold, and immensely person, because given a clean sheet, they work miracles...But what about me? What if at the end, I still draw stick men, skeleton birds, broccoli trees and bra-shaped mountains? :-S
Blame it on my bloody education. I should never have become an engineer. Because as it turns out, God was an Arts major...
CRAP!!
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