Against The Wind

I feel it somewhere deep down inside. I’m no longer the person I used to be. I’m also not the person I thought I’d turn out to be. And I no longer dare to imagine just what kind of person I will be in the future.

Have you ever tried defining yourself? Have you ever thought how highly (or lowly) your sense of self is?

I’m not so sure about things anymore. Sometimes it feels as if my confidence has been slowly but surely eroding. Slow enough for me not to realize it when it happens, but surely enough that eventually I do.

Last week was Father’s Day. I sat across my dad as we gathered for dinner, all 10 of us from both sides of the family. It was the restaurant that my father first introduced to us when we were teenagers. My brother and I were going on and on about the fond memories we had eating Indian food for the first time. He was mostly silent throughout the night. I glanced at him. I caught him looking around the table, looking at everyone, thinking something. I asked what it was. He just smiled and said nothing.

But I knew that look. It was the kind of look he had when he started feeling rather philosophical about life. I knew it well because I am like that too.

Perhaps he was trying to define himself too. Perhaps he too felt that he was no longer the person he thought he was, nor the person he thought he would be. And in that moment, I saw more of my father in myself that I ever did before. We are the product of our parents in more ways that we are willing to acknowledge.

The more I live this life, the more it feels like being placed on a current in the ocean. You can paddle and navigate through the seas, but you are still bound to the winds in the sky and currents in the sea. You learn to maneuver through it to get you where you want to go, but you also learn to accept and surrender to where it will actually bring you. And that includes the things you achieve in life, as well as the person you end up becoming.

I looked across the table at my mother. My gaze softens. I’ve always felt a special bond with her. How has her life turned out? Certainly not the way she hoped it too either. Could she ever see herself losing her husband within ten hears of marriage, living ill and alone for another fifteen before finally finding peace again? Some days when I bring her to church, she feels embarrassed to meet the friends from her youth. While many have gone on to become successful people with happy homes, here she is living the remnants of a broken marriage and mental illness. Knowing this, I think I overcompensate by being unusually protective of her when out in public, and I try hard to be a son she can be proud of.

Then I look at my own life, my wife, my marriage, my family. And I wonder… in fear… just how things will turn out. I no longer trust myself enough to be able to make things OK just by sheer will power, by sheer belief. I realize that this is not how the life works out.

The one thing that has greatly developed in me over the past year or two, is that of HOPE.

I have come to learn the delicate but unyieldinge nature of hope. Time magazine was featuring an in depth article about the science of hope. It talks about how people are often optimistic about their future. They often imagine themselves being more successful that they eventually do turn out. And the only people who predict the future to a more reasonable level of accuracy... are those who are mildly depressed. And yet, people do continue to believe they will not end up like others no matter what the statistics say. Case in point would be marriage. With divorce rates escalating everywhere..the percentage of people taking the vows believing that they will divorce is ZERO. I think it has to do with the indomitable spirit of human beings. We refuse to submit to hopelessness even in the most dire of situations. We need hope, like how we need air and water. We need hope, like how we need love and faith.

This is the place I have found myself in recent times. That air of confidence; that belief that with my talents, with my skills, with who I am, with all that I have, I will carve something for myself in this life – that has died away. In its place is a spring of hope; one that comforts me in my weakest moment, one that keeps me humble in my strongest ones, one that fuels me on as I find myself running against the wind, searching and searching again for myself.

I guess that's what I am at this moment in time... searching and searching again for myself.....against the wind... with a lot less self confidence, but with a lot more hope.

Cheers to you friend.

I began to find myself searchin'
Searching for shelter again and again
Against the wind
A little something against the wind
I found myself seeking shelter against the wind 
Bob Seger - Against the Wind

Giving Up / Moving On

Sometimes I just get so disillusioned…. by everything. Love, friendship, career, family.. bonds between people, kindness, sincerity, connection.. are any of it real? Does any of it last? Is it worth pursuing? Is it worth fighting for? Is it worth the sacrifice?

I feel so tired. Fed up. Burnt out.

The kind of feeling you get when you put so much effort into something.. only to find that it all amounted to nothing.. and you have to start over again.

Only… I don’t have the energy to start again. And even if I did, I don’t want to anymore. Because the first time started with a fresh, strong, unwounded heart. This time, it’s bleeding. And bleeding hearts don’t make strong hearts.

I give up.

Maybe it’s admitting defeat. It will take a while for me to lick my wounds and heal.

But though it looks like I’m retreating… really.. all I’m trying to do.. is move forward.

In 3 Lines

Quick to want. Slow to give. 

Empathy.

Too cold to give. Too proud to receive. 

Sympathy.

Shallow ones plenty. True ones endangered. 

Friendship

Blissful to keep. Embarrassing to reveal. 

Ignorance.

Publicly applauded. Privately neglected. 

Charity.

Inherit. Overprized. 

Pride.

Of highest value. Of constant compromise. 

Integrity.

Important when little. Dangerous when abundant. 

Money.

Free to give. Priceless to receive. 

A Smile

 Long in the keeping. Short in the losing. 

Patience.

Invisible. Omnipotent. 

Faith.

Illogical to your brain. Perpetual to your heart. 

Hope.

Often painful. Always worth it. 

Love

Cruel. Beautiful.

Life

If I Die Young

If I Die Young - The Band Perry Mp3
Mp3-Codes.com

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song


If I die young - The Band Perry

I've been listening to this song of late. The lyrics intrigued me in a way I found hard to explain. I researched a bit further, and this is what the author herself said about what the is suppose to mean...

"........ it’s about making the most of whatever time you are given, whether it’s 2 years or 20 years." She goes on to says that even at their young ages they have all lived and loved and if it all ends at this moment, look what they’ve gotten to do. “Whatever time we’re given will be absolutely enough as long as we make the most of it"

Making the most of your life..... that strikes a very deep chord with me.

I wake up many mornings staring myself in the mirror, wondering what all this means...Whether I'm heading the right direction in life.. Whether there is such a thing as a 'right' direction at all. Whether I should perhaps be doing something else. And if I did, then where would it all lead to anyway?

I heard this spectacular speech from Steve Jobs once... and he said one thing "If you live everyday like it was your last, one day, you're going to be right." He also asked "If this was your last day to live, would you still do what you are going to today?"

Powerful question. Sadly, like many of people I know, my answer is seldom a 'yes'. Living everyday like it's your last. A concept understood by many, lived out by not many. We don't live like it's our last day because our human nature is such that we always expect there to be a tomorrow. When things are good, we want there to be a tomorrow, as good as today. When things are bad, we still want there to be a tomorrow, better than today. It's the perpetual spring of hope embedded in our souls. Despite acknowledging the gloom and scepticism of the world, we each secretly hold a very private, very personal hope about our future. Even the  inevitability of death is countered with a hope of life after death.. some through Jesus Christ, some through Muhammad and some through the laws of Karma and reincarnation.

"What's the most important thing to you in your life? What do you think you need to make you happy?" This is a question I have asked more than 2 dozen people over the last six months. Some answer me instantly. Some stare at me blankly. Many answer that it's their family. Many answer it's money. Some answer it freedom. Some say it's personal achievements. A few days respect. Only one person answered God. "... to drop everything and run to Him...." was the amazing answer that left me speechless.

The natural assumption that ties these two questions is this; if this was the last day of life as you knew it, you would spend it doing the thing that matters the most to you. 

What would I be doing if I knew this was the last day of my life on earth? I don't really know. It would defnitely not be what I'm doing now, running a business I have limited interest in, dealing with people I have limited affection for, and providing a service I have limited passion for.

Instead, a picture comes to mind. Of my family, my friends, of the people who mean something to me in my life, all coming together in this one moment...sitting a top a high cliff, full of green grass, overlooking a sandy beach, having a picnic of home made sandwhiches and lemonade, wind blowing against our faces and messing up our hairs...... and laughter..... lots and lots of laughter... as we watch the sunset over the horizon, with rays of light colouring the sky and clouds in a million different hues...

THAT is how I'd spend my last day on earth.

The Obedient Wives Club

Obedient Wives Club to offer sex lessons

It's things like this that make Malaysia such an entertaining (albeit embarrasing) place to live sometimes.

A bunch of Muslim housewives, spearheaded by a group of former polygamy advocators are offering sex lessons to wives so that they can "serve their husbands better than a first class prostitute.".. because "a husband who was kept happy in the bedroom would have no reason to stray, seek out prostitutes or indulge in other social vices."

I know I should be outraged at the blatant sexism and all.. but honestly, I'm just amused.

Just HOW are they going to pull off these lessons?

I think it's safe to assume that tha vast majority of adults of our times have never received any sort of 'formal' lessons on how to have sex. So how are a bunch of tudung wearing housewives going to teach other housewives how to serve it up better than a first clast prostitute in bed? Will they have 'practical sessions' i.e. voyuerism? Or perhaps use some visual aids i.e. porn? Or will they just use cucumbers and doughnuts as tools?

Secondly, how will these 'trainers' even know how a first class prostitute performs in bed? What would be the qualification criteria for these trainers? How do you know if you're up to par with the best of prostitutes without having some prior knowledge or experience?


It's silly to say lack of a lack of mind blowing sex at home is the source of all social ills. But I suspect most men aren't about to complain (too much) about it anyway. It's every mans dream come true if their wife / girlfriend is a lady in public but a nympho in bed.

The way I see it, the only way this is going to work is that these women will have to be already somewhat kinky. You WILL need to have watched some (or a lot) porn, you WILL have to be fairly adventurous in bed, you WILL have to know and be willing to do everything a professional would do. EVERYTHING. And frankly, if you're that kinky, I doubt you'd be promoting sex classes under a religious banner, with tudung and all.... 

My guess is, this it'll all just end up like this scene. 

Some Walls

Some walls are made of stone

sometimes we build our own

some walls stand for years

and some wash away with tears

Some walls are lined with gold where

some hearts stay safe and cold

some walls are made from doubt

holding in and keeping out

If there's any hope for love at all...

some walls must fall

If there's any hope for love at all...
some walls must fall

Some walls are built on pride

some keep the child inside

some walls are built in fear that

love let go will disappear

If there's any hope for love at all...
some walls must fall
If there's any hope for love at all...
some walls must fall

How will you ever know what might be found

until you let the walls come tumbling down

If there's any hope for love at all...
some walls must fall

I Believe

I believe your achievements in life are 50% your effort, 50% Gods plan for you. That when you fail, it can be either because you didn’t try hard enough, or it was just never meant to be. Trying to figure out which was which is the hard part.

I believe that friends come and go. Precious few stick around.. But you never know who they are, until everyone else has left. At that moment, you discover who had stayed by your side all along, and who you had unwittingly abandoned. Some friendships die because they left. Some, because you did.

I believe that as you grow older, you realize more and more just how little you know. The arrogance of youth must in time mellow into the humility of age. A smart man will admit to knowing plenty. But a wise man will admit to knowing nothing. Wisdom is having the mind of a sage and the heart of a child.

I believe that regret is sometimes a good thing. It teaches our hearts to be humble; to acknowledge that we screw up….. all the time. That there is always a part of us that requires overcoming.. be it pride, complacency, arrogance or fear. Regret is the emotional scar that reminds us we are a flawed and needy people. And the things we need most are this; forgiveness aplenty, love in abundance.

I believe that love is love is the most powerful force in the universe. It doesn’t put food on the table. It has no trading value. It doesn’t remove suffering. But love softens hearts, comforts and gives hope. Love gives meaning to suffering. Love gives meaning to life. ‘I love you’ is the most yearned after sentence in our lives. It’s high time we say it more often to the ones we love.

I believe that truth, honesty and integrity will always win in the long run, even if cheating, lying and deceiving may get you ahead faster and further initially. And even if by the end of your life, you lose out to dishonest people, God sees what you have done and hopefully so do the people in your life.

I believe that everything that happens, happens for a reason. From the people we meet, to the friends we make, the success we gain, to the failures we encounter, the words we say, to the things we learn, the journeys we make, to the places we go, the way we were brought up, to the person we are today…. Everything has a reason. Most people only find that reason in hindsight. Some never find it. But believe it or not, here are the two reasons for everything – to discover yourself, then to discover God.

What do you believe?