Everybody's Changing

Everybody’s changing...
and I don’t feel the same...
Perhaps.....
I'm changing too...

Lending To Lionel

A lot of people have been telling me that I should make a police report.  After I found out that Lionel had basically cheated me of my money, I decided to do some digging. I somehow managed to strike up a friendship with the HR lady at his former company. From there, she gave me all his details; his full name, his NRIC number, his old home phone number and even address. I called the number, which as expected, was no longer in service. I have not gone to his house yet. I don't really expect him to still live there. A simple Google search later reveal that Lionel a.k.a. Chia Tiong Beng had been involved (or allegedly involved) in cheating crimes all his life. An article dated 1960 showed that he and another friend were acquitted of cheating a hawker of some money. This was when he was still in his teens.

Another article dated 1996 in Manilla showed that Lionel and his 'wife' were arrested by the Philippine anti corruption agency for cheating Singaporean businessmen out of hundreds of thousands of dollars.

I realized then that the man that I had met was no ordinary swindler. Everything he had told me about himself fit the bill of what I just found. In hindsight, he was a skilled liar. There were many things he said and did subtly that I now realize were meant to lure me into a false sense of security.

Having a thousand dollars taken away from you tends to have an effect on you. Like I said before, I felt dumb, because when you look at it properly, this man didn't set out to cheat me. I practically offered it to him. He merely took a chance at an opening that I guess would be considered 'god sent' to him. I'm not even sure any crime has been committed. I gave him the money at my own free will. He undoubtedly represented himself with false pretenses, but unless I am wrong, verbally lying to a stranger wasn't a criminal offense.

For many days, I considered how I would now respond with my new found information. Whenever I was in Singapore, I would think about nothing except how to get my money back from this man; what I would do to him if I ever saw him again. I remained angry and bitter. I wanted to hurt this man for cheating me out of my hard earned money, however small it may seem in the grand scheme of things. It still hurts every time I look at my bank account and remembered that it's 3 digits short of what I was supposed to have. It hurts even more when I have to tell my family that this or that thing cannot be done anymore since I was out of funds.

But the whole episode has awaken me somewhat.

The pain of the sting reminded me again how valuable money is, and the importance of being prudent and cautious with it. I decided that I will try my best not to let this affect the way I chose to be charitable to others. But I will certainly be much more cautious in the way I give it out. I decided that I mustn't let this make me less trusting of people, but I needed to be wiser in taking the necessary steps to protect myself.

But there was also something else. As valuable as money was, the episode also reminded me of how there were more important things in life than money. I remembered being told of how twenty three thousand people had committed suicide after the great Wall Street Crash of 1929. My church pastors said it was because these men had made money their world and their God. And when your world and your God is lost, even your own life seems not worth living.

I admit, for the better half of the year, my mind had been obsessing with money. As I moved deeper into adulthood, I moved deeper into financial commitments, and suddenly the lack of money became something I was aware of on a daily basis. I had a house to pay for, rent to keep, people to feed, car to maintain, parents to care for, and perhaps in a year or so, children to expect. It was just a matter of time before money took center stage.

The day I admitted defeat, I went home to my wife, embraced her and declared to her "I'm sorry. I feel so stupid.". She stroked my hair, touched my cheeks and told me "It's OK dear... it's only money."

And that was the point of realization for me. Yes it was money. But it was only money. In her eyes, we had lost nothing significant that we could never replace. I guess I needed a reminder of that. It was a humbling moment for me. I was grateful to her for not wagging her finger and saying to me "I told you so.." I was grateful that she wasn't make as big a deal about it as I was.

I remembered some incident many years ago where I had also lost some money and whined about it to a friend. He said this to me "It's okay. Treat it as a tuition fees you had to pay, for the lesson you have now learned." He called this the 'University of Society' where all lessons are through practicals.

I ask myself again what I'd do if I ever bumped into Lionel again. Could I truly do as the bible says and bless the one who curses you, or turn the other cheek? Is there enough grace in my heart to forgive and forget? Do you forgive a person who has neither repented nor asked for forgiveness? Will I try to exact some sort of revenge on him?

Here's the only answer I can muster for now.

I will break his nose. But he can keep the money.

A Fool I Am

Sigh…

Life seems so hard to live at times. I’m the kind of person who usually struggles with himself internally. I have 2 minds in one body. One desiring to do what is good, right and pure all the time. The other desiring to do what is devious, immoral and much less innocent (and seemingly more fun) things. The struggle usually involves trying to muster and rally the ‘light’ part of me so that it is not overtaken by the ‘dark’. Like a single ray of light surrounded by complete darkness, the darker parts of our minds seem to always be threatening to swallow up the light.

I often second guess my own thoughts and intentions. I question my own heart. I find myself always asking if I’m doing the ‘right’ thing in life.

Last week, I found myself driving all the way into the heart of town on a Friday night, braving the horrible traffic and pouring rain. There was a man, a complete stranger, who was waiting for me. He needed what I had in my pocket. An envelope filled with a sizable amount of cash. I had never met him. I had come to know him only a few hours earlier, on the phone. A Singaporean man, stranded in KL. He told me he had lost his wallet and phone while on holiday. He needed money to clear his hotel bill and to take a bus home. His Embassy would not help him and he didn’t know anyone else. He got our number off the internet, called my office, looking for a former colleague of mine. Somehow I ended up taking the call instead, and somehow, I ended up volunteering to help him out of his predicament.

Most of the people I told had raised eyebrows. Apparently to them, this was something totally out of my character. I was less than pleased with their reaction, but I went ahead anyway. I know I’ve never been one to actively participate in charity towards others, be it the poor, needy or sickly. I frown upon giving to street beggars, I coldly turn away people soliciting diner from me over lunch, and I refuse to sign up for any monthly contributions for cancer, world hunger or any sort of humanitarian funding. But this time, for once, I felt sure that this was the right thing to do. There was a man in need of help desperately, and I was in a position to help. And so I did.

When I met him, he was nervous and jittery. I guessed he had a long day. He told me about what happened, how he lost his wallet, how he was refused help, how no one came to his aide. I gave him the cash. He left his Singaporean phone number and address with me. We agreed to meet up the following week, when I was in town. He said he wanted to repay my kindness. I felt good. I felt like for once, I had done something good for someone. I felt like I had done the right thing. It was a risk, giving money to a stranger. A few people raised doubts. “Do you think he’s genuine? Do you think he will really pay you back?” I didn’t really know. I just chose to trust in the goodness and honesty of man.

Right now, it feels more like I’ve was confirming the naivety of fools.

When I was finally back in Singapore and ready to meet the man again, I dropped him a text. It didn’t go through. I tried calling, but the line was still deactivated. Strike one. I was guessing perhaps he still hadn’t got his mobile number reclaimed. I waited a full day, but still no sign of him. I had left my business card with him, but there was no news from him. So I decided to search for his company and called his office instead. But after a 5 minute conversation with reception and a 20 minute talk with the HR department, I discovered that the man didn’t work there anymore. He had left, 10 years ago. Strike two. Still I gave it the benefit of the doubt. The lady who spoke to me seemed to know him personally from back then. She praised me for my kindness, and even vouched for the man. Said he didn’t seem the kind that’d try to pull such a thing, especially in tiny old Singapore. So I gave it one more day.

But the silence bothered me.

And so last night, after dinner I made the drive from my apartment to the address he gave. It was right across town, somewhere in Hougang. I tried imagining all the different scenarios on how this might end up. Would I find him? What would I say? Should I still play nice? Do I make a scene? Do I still try to be graceful? But the scenario that greeted me was the one I feared the most, the one I was hoping to eliminate by driving there.

The address did not exist. The block existed. The floor existed, but not the unit number. Strike three.

I was out.

I was angry. I repeatedly cursed the man under my breath. How dare he take advantage of my kindness. How dare he store me in the face, shake my hand, thank me, then stab me right in the back and run off with my money. But I was angrier at myself. I felt the fool, for naively trusting; for stubbornly choosing to be wide eyed and innocent, even when others were blowing caution to the wind. What was I trying to do, feed my own ego by acting the part of the generous, graceful, good Samaritan?

The one time I decided to act gracefully and innocently became the one time I am reminded why there is very little place for such things in this fallen world. It would seem that in this world, to keep our innocence will mean being fools willing to suffer the indignities of the world. 

If being good is to be a fool, then perhaps, a fool I was meant to be.

Good night world.

Dumb Phones

"You so need to get a Blackberry man..."

And I just smiled.

Not that I haven't thought about it any more. . I had considered it a while back. After all, smartphones are all the craze these days. It would seem almost everyone has it these days. Today, I talked to someone who was carrying 2 smartphones. Perhaps one just wasn't smart enough.

On one hand, I felt that having a smartphone wasn't really that smart. You have internet connection practically everywhere these days. The data plan itself would cost something you could easily eat a weeks worth of lunches for. The phones itself were pretty expensive (to me anyway). And as with my previous post, I already feel like I'm overconnected to the world as it is.

But on the other hand, I still found those black little berry to be incredibly cool to hold and touch...

Hence, this great debate went on in my head... with me giving myself 101 reasons why I'd be so stupid to get one.. and with me telling my other self that I could reason however much I wanted, I'd still want what I want.

Till I read somewhere online... someone made a statement that he felt smartphones actually made people dumb zombies. Because people with smartphones seem to be perpetually looking at their tiny phone communicating with God knows who on screens even when there are people in the flesh and blood around them, and even when they are at what would probably be the most beautiful place on earth...

And that pretty much settled the arguement for me. I wasn't going to get a smartphone unless it was free.

And it's not like all the phones before that were that dumb.

Cheers