"I'm going out for a drive. I need some time to think"
A text message. I thought I'd be considerate, despite us fighting, despite me being so pissed off.
"Don't bother coming back...."
came the stinging reply.
I started the engine, and drove. Where to? God knows. I didn't have anywhere to go, or anyone to see. I needed time; to think, to calm down, to soothe. One hand at the steering, the other against my head. My usual pose while thinking, or stressed, or both. Ouch... the bump still hurt a bit. Got kicked in the face while swimming. Bloody hell, I thought swimming was supposed to be a safe non contact hobby. Chances of drowning to death was so much higher than getting kicked, but I got kicked instead.
"I feel like you don't really accept them..."
"I did the same thing for you, and now you won't for me...."
"Do you really consider them your family also?"
"Sometimes, I really wonder if you meant the things you say...."
"Sometimes, I really wonder if you meant the things you say...."
It hurt.... not the bump. My heart. It always hurts, when you love is being questioned, what more by the one you love MOST. It hurt like hell. I turn the radio up, loud, noisy songs. I need something to drown out the hurt.
"Why do you keep quiet?"
"When I keep quiet, it's wrong, but when YOU keep quiet, it's supposed to be OK?"
"Don't you have something to say? Or maybe you're thinking what a bitch I am is it?"
Don't you see? Don't you know? I keep quiet because I care about what I say to you. I keep quiet, because I love you too much to hurt you with careless, thoughtless words...... the kind you are hurting me with right now. I could say something, I could fight back, and I could probably out talk you, and WIN. But I don't. Because I'm not trying to win. I'm trying to put away my pride. I'm trying to put my hurt aside and focus on what you told me, and what I need to do to make things right.
"You know how much I hate being late."
"You always have an excuse. It's not like you don't know how important these things are to me"
"You always make things seem like it's always my fault. You're never wrong."
"You always make me feel so stupid."
I drive into a dark corner. There are a dozen Mat Rempits, doing all sorts of stunts. They look my way, wondering what's this guy in office cloths doing here, in the middle of the night. I start to wonder if they would try to bother me, or even rob me. I drive by anyway, not looking their way. "I'll run down every one of you fuckers if I have to." I think. Tough talk..... for a guy who immediately locks the door after seeing them.
"Can you THINK about what you are saying. Do you think its FAIR what you just said?"
"You're just picking on me because you're upset... and I'm easy target."
I'm tired. A crappy long day, topped with a whole lot of shit on the way home. Shouting at the top of your lungs tend to make you tired. I knew I should have just continued being quiet. I quickly drive off and stop in from of a 7 Eleven, watching people come in and out. I lower the seat, close my eyes to rest. More like self soothe really. The CD was repeating itself for the 3rd time. 2 hours of aimlessly driving around. At least I'm claiming for petrol at work. "He's been here TWO BLOODY WEEKS"
Maybe I need a coffee... and an internet connection. Maybe I'll feel better typing it all out. I drive to the nearest Old Town Coffee.. but get hushed away. "Last order is at 12am boss.. sorry. " the fella tells me. I thought these buggers open till 3am? Damn it, EVEN THE COFFEE PEOPLE DON'T WANT TO SEE ME. I drive around some more. So many people still out having teh tarik, chatting away happily. "Don't all these damn people have jobs to go to in the morning? Look at them sitting around chatting the night away, with their stupid grins and lame jokes...".......All rhetoric. Truth was, I'd give anything to be one sitting there pouring my heart out to someone
What happened to all that talk about problems being easier to deal with if you stand by each other? You aren't supposed to turn on someone who's on your side. I'm not the one your really upset about, I'm not the one giving you this heartache, but I AM the one putting up with all this shit.
"You ask me to just say what I have to say, and then you can't take it."
"This is why I SHUT THE HELL UP. "
I turn into the car park. A cats sits in the middle of the road, refusing to get out out of my way. I hate these cats. I inch straight away. No way in hell I was going to navigate around the stupid feline. For a brief moment I thought of flooring the pedals and squashing the bloody cat. But there were people around.... and I just washed the car. The cat just takes a cool few steps to the side, and I pass through.... "Chicken shit la you, even the cat doesn't respect you...." I whisper to myself.
Round and round I circle the car park. It's full. It's almost 2am. Everyone's home sleeping.... except me. Me and my lonely, hurting heart. Isn't there a reason we use stickers and pass keys? How can it be full when I'M not parked yet? Isn't there an equal amount of stickers to the number of spaces? I circle the place like ten times. What's a few more rounds anyway? After all, I've been out for hours...... "I'M NOT PARKED, BUT THE PLACE IS FULL. I HAVE A FUCKING STICKER YOU PIECE OF SHIT. GO DO YOUR FUCKING MATH!!!!" I curse under my breath..... from the safety of my car. Told you I was chicken shit.
I just park at one corner, and send out an open challenge to the management, or the universe, or God, or whoever hells listening "Clamp my car if you dare!! Come on! CLAMP IT! I can take this shit." One last defiant curse into the night... and I'm done. Too tired even be angry.
I close my eyes, listening to Robbie Williams singing Sexed up.. Funny Robbie.. very funny.... I was just thinking the same thing.
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