Peace be with you (Good riddance)

“The next time you plan to see him, bring me along. I will give him a piece of my mind. Let him repeat those words again in front of me….”

I was pissed. He usually gets taken aback every time I start talking in such a forceful nature. I rarely feel strongly about things, and rarely in such a note. I’m easy going most of the time. But some things are close to my heart, and none so more than this. None so more than the welfare of my mother.

“No la, they mean well….They are thinking of her welfare.”

They MEAN WELL? Some of the worst deeds every done were with the BEST intentions.

“I don’t like them planting ideas into her head. HELLO, I DON’T NEED YOU TO TELL ME HOW TO TAKE CARE OF MY MOTHER. I know it’s my pride talking, I know it may sound arrogant. But I don’t like it when people give suggestions just like that without first understanding first what we have been through ALREADY. So simple and easy and idea. Do they really think we haven’t tried that already? Do they really think we are THAT naïve and silly to not have thought of that by now. Didn’t you explain to them that we already tried living together with her AT LEAST THREE TIMES? And the last time, SHE NEARLY DIED?! Show them the scar on her skull.”

Silence……..

“We don’t need their money. We took up this responsibility long before they ever came into the picture, and we will still be doing in long after they are gone. If you want to help, HELP. Don’t try putting strings on it. I don’t need your approval on how best to care for my mother. Take your benevolent fund money and bring it somewhere else, to someone who needs it more. I’m sure there’s an orphanage somewhere, or an old folks home that need that money more than us. Go do it and feel good about yourself.”

“It’s not about the money. They just want to know what we plan to do before considering renewing their funding.”

“I’m sorry. I’m just pissed. I can chip in more if you are too burdened… But I’m not going to go up to them, pleading and justifying why we need the money.”

“He’s just trying to ask for some supporting justification. I don’t think it’s his call. It’s part of their benevolent fund committee to decide.”

“Isn’t he the HEAD of the committee? Committees don’t make decision brother, PEOPLE DO. PEOPLE MAKE DECISIONS. If HE goes before the committee and vouch that we DO need the fund, isn’t that justification enough? Committees are the thing people HIDE BEHIND when they don’t dare to make a decision and stand by it."

More silence.

“It’s easy for them to just say take her out of the home, rent a bigger house and all of us stay together. Haven’t we already done, the first time being 10 years ago? You remember that? We DID try. And she tried to commit suicide by swallowing all the tablets. I HAD TO BRING HER TO THE HOSPITAL, IN MY SCHOOL UNIFORM IN A TAXI I BARELY HAD ENOUGH MONEY TO PAY FOR. Does HE KNOW THAT?”

“Sigh… I know I know.”

“You know, but do they? Anyway, just let me know when OK. We’ll tell them the whole story together. I want to see if he dares say the same thing to me again. Talk to you later. Bye.”

“OK. Bye.”

****************************

I know I’m disillusioned. I know I’ve lost my faith. Not in God, but in man. Men supposedly calling themselves men of God. People who go to church every Sunday, worship, pray, set up organizations and trying to help others in the name of God… They set up committees, they set up procedures, the set up trust funds, big, influential, rich. Somewhere along the way, they seem to have lost their soul.

They give thoughtless suggestions and ideas.. planting ideas to my mother behind my back, ignorant to just how dangerous those ideas can become. No insight into the present. No foresight to the future.

Where have you been oh church?

Where was the church when my mother became ill? Where were you when my father, a former associate pastor at the church needed support the most? Did you not shun him the minute you knew he had problems with his wife, deeming him UNFIT to lead other brother and sisters in Christ? How quickly you turn your backs! Where were you when my mother lived for years alone up north, with no job, no money, no protection, no friends, no help? Where you the ones who sent food to her every day out of kindness? It wasn’t. It was people from the nearby Buddhist temple. What have you given beyond lip service? Where were you when my mother was lost for months, after running away with nothing but the cloths behind her back and with empty pockets? Where you there with me, when I ran the streets of pudu raya, desperately trying to find her before it was too late? Where you there when we had to tie her down in the car with tears in our eyes and drive her 300 miles to KL, and hospitalize her? Where were you when we, as STUDENTS, used money meant for food and tuition fees to pay for her medication, not knowing if we will ever have enough? Where were you when I was lost, when I needed support through it all?

Where were you oh people of the church?

You think you understand, you think you know, you think you’re doing your part. You come when the weather is good, but disappear when it starts to rain. And now, when the weather is good, and we have our feet on the ground, somewhat stable, you try to tell me what to do, and what is best for her. You try to tell me you know better. You try to tell me that unless you agree with what I plan for her, you will not spare a cent. Where were you when it was darkest before dawn? Where were you when I cried out in fear, helplessness and desperation? Oh, that’s right…. Sunday evenings are cell group meetings and you were busy… and you DIDN’T KNOW.

If I do as you suggest, will you jointly take responsibility? Will you be there with me when I am running around in Pudu Raya searching for her? Are you going to travel 300 miles with me to retrieve her from some hospital if she gets run down by a lorry AGAIN? Will you stand by my side as I force her into the car and drive her to the hospital in event of a relapse? Will you put your hand on my shoulder and comfort me if God forbid, something happens to her? Will you? You won’t because you think you did your part by giving me your advice and your money. Your benevolent money…… How great of you.

Take your money and go elsewhere. Walk away and satisfy your ego and convince yourself that these ‘boys’ are selfish, that they don’t really have their mothers interest at heart; that they rather just keep her in a nursing home for their own convenience. These boys are hopeless. You’ve done what you can. You tried to help, but they refused your help. Go pray that God will send someone else to help. Go pray that God will change our stone cold hearts. Whatever makes you sleep better at night….

This is my struggle, not yours. I was facing this long before you came along. I will still be here, by her side, long after you have gone, still struggling. Thank you for all your help. I AM grateful for what you have done. Really, I am. But I don't need your help. You think you're doing Gods work. You think you carry His mandate. And who am I to challenge you? An unbaptized, unfaithful so called Christian who neither prays, nor go to Church nor do any Good Works. But God is my witness. I don't need to prove to you where my heart lies. He will provide for me, as He has done so far. Even if He forsakes me, and I burn in eternal hell for my transgressions, He will still take care of my mother, with or without your benevolent money.

If this is how you are going to be, I will ask no more from you. I never did in the first place.

Peace be with you.... but good riddance.