Spurned

You know that feeling of having your hard work and effort all amount to nothing? To have it all go down the drain just like that after having pour out every bit of yourself for a cause? Well, that’s the shitty feeling I’m experiencing right now. Nothing dramatic, just some disappointment I faced recently.

Like a new lover eager to please his new love, I danced and played along and catered to her every whim and fancy. She asked for all sorts of things, made all sorts of demands. But she sprinkled words like ‘you’re so good’ or ‘you’re the best’..always hinting, always luring but never promising. Oh, how eager I was to believe those words, how quick I was to take it all in. How sweet her smile, how friendly her tone. She was all I wanted - the apple of my eye. I did everything she wanted. I gave her everything she asked for. I poured out my heart, my soul, my everything – awaiting the day she’d say to me that I was the one.

Later I realized that I was being ‘taken for a walk along the whole garden path’; meaning everything looks and feels nice, but doesn’t really lead you anywhere. But when you’re in the garden, everything’s nice and dandy; you believe with all your heart that a path this beautiful could only lead to someplace even more beautiful.

Then the silence comes… and the cold shoulder. She stops answering your calls, she doesn’t reply your emails, and she completely ignored you. You start to have doubts. Did I do anything wrong? Was it something I said? Something I did? You have no idea of knowing, but the silence just drives you mad.

And then, the dreaded day comes when you finally receive her phone call…

“I’m sorry… It it’s not you. It’s me. You’re really awesome… but I found someone else, and I really think he’s THE ONE. I’m sure you’ll make someone else really happy… but I’m afraid I’m not that person…”

And as you slowly feel your heart start to crumble into pieces, all you can say at this point is

“F**K YOU B**TCH!”

….… or so you think in your head.

But what you REALLY do (since you’re actually a decent human being), is just put your bravest most graceful smile and say

“It’s OK.. I understand. All the best to you.”…..

And that, ladies and gentleman, is how it feels like to be a sales person losing your first major order / tender.

:-P

What's Wrong With A Bit More?

The problem with ‘a bit more’ is…..

Every time we receive, we feel it’s not enough.

"I just need a little bit more.... just that bit more..then I'll have enough.” we say

And every time we do get that ‘bit more’, we find it’s not that much as we first thought.

“I need a bit more… just to survive.” we say

Then more comes and we do have enough to survive, but not enough to be comfortable

“I need a bit more… just to be comfortable.” we say

Then more comes and we do have enough to be comfortable, but not enough to be safe.

“I need a bit more…. just to be safe.” we say

Then more comes and we have enough to be safe… or so we thought, before realizing that the more we have, the more we need.

“Sorry, I STILL need a bit more…. just to be… whatever…….I just know I need it.” we say

On and on it goes….

Our appetites are insatiable. We are gluttons of ‘a bit more’. So much so, we forget that once upon a time, you and I got by with a lot less....... and still felt like we had everything we need in this world.

And that’s the problem with ‘a bit more’….

When You Kids Teach You How to Grow

I heard a statement that really made an impression on me recently.

“To parents: what is the purpose of having children?”

“To help YOU grow up.”

At first, it sounds so radical and counter intuitive. After all, isn’t it the children’s job to grow up? The parents are the ones that are the ‘grown ups’ right?

Your kids don’t teach you how to grow up, YOU teach your kids how to grow up.

But on deeper thought, it makes perfect sense. The speaker went on to say that “as a parent, you’d do anything for you children… to make them happy.” In essence, it means that parents are completely selfless. And another word for selflessness is LOVE.

Here’s the problem; selflessness is counter-intuitive. Our self-preserving nature calls for us to look out for our own interest, not of others. The first 20 to 30 years of our lives consist of us trying to life and a living for ourselves. We are taught to be concerned about our health, our grades, our career, our car, our house, our this.. our that... We learn how to preserve ourselves, to do what is best for US.

And then suddenly you find yourself a partner, and you now have to be sensitive to their feelings, their needs, their wants, their desires. I think we can agree that loving another person is a learning process. In its truest sense, loving someone takes a lot of effort, humility and selflessness…. None of which comes easily without effort.

Having kids just brings this to a whole different level. Now, you’re expect to put your everything, all your money, all your time, all your effort, all your attention, all your energy into raising a (or several) cretins that scream, shout, cry, shit and vomit around the clock. Sounds scary? You bet’cha..

I’m not a parent (yet) but I do have parents.. and I know enough to know that parents do indeed practically live for their children’s wellbeing. We know they put us before them. We know they make countless sacrifices for us. All children secretly acknowledge this fact even if we do not always say it out loud…. and I imagine that many parents have come a long long way from being carefree young people like you and me to the dependable, ever present stalwarts of our lives today.

How did they become who they are today? How did they become such mature, seasoned and steady characters? How did they ‘grow up’?

They had kids!

Disclaimer : This is by no means trying to encourage people eager to 'grow up' to start having kids. Neither should you be askig immature people to start having kids a'rite.. 

Things That Define You...

If you were asked to describe who you were, what would you say? What would be the definition of who you are? What is it exactly that defines you as a person? I ask myself that question sometimes…. I still can’t find a definitive statement that sums it all up.. But I DO know that there are some things that most certainly DON’T define who we are as a person.

Here are some I things that to me, have no bearing on how a person is defined:

- your job
- how much money you have
- what brand of cloths you wear
- what phone you use
- what car you drive
- Who you know
- Who your father is
- How popular you are
- How many friends you have on Facebook
- The title (if any) before your name
- Your paper qualifications
- The company you work for
- How many subordinates you have
- How polished you are
-

And things that possibly DO have some bearing are (in no particular order):

- Things you enjoy doing that have no financial benefit
- The friends you keep
- The friends you DON’T keep
- Your values in life
- Your decisions in life
- How you treat your family
- How you treat you friends
- How you treat strangers
- How you treat your ENEMIES
- What you do when no one is watching
- How often you keep your word / promises
- How often you forgive others
- Sacrifices you make
- Your relationship with God
- Your passion
- Your hobbies
-

It’s not a complete list…..…you got anything else to add?

Enemy Within

The words ring out loud in his mind. He tries to silence it out.. but it refuses to go away. It shouts at him, in the most silent but piercing sort of way…

“What I want to do…… I do not do, but what I hate………. I do.”

Words that were written centuries ago by someone else were now his. Like the author, he too had a thorn by his side.. like the author , he too had demons of his own to wrestle with. But unlike that great man from the good book who conquered demons within him and cast out demons in others, this man knew he had no chance. He had not the strength, he had not the determination… he had not the faith.

He was a slave to his own desires.. a prisoner to his sin. Not that he didn’t know how to control it… but that he didn’t want to….. and he didn’t know how to stop wanting what he wanted. He didn’t know how to stop doing the things he didn’t want to do.

And as he recalled those sweet sounding words whispering to him from afar… he could feel the rush coming over him all over again. He had been down this road before. The excitement, the fun, the anticipation, the mystery… the unknown was thrilling to him. Skirting on the edge of danger made him feel alive…. It was all too familiar to his ears..

And yet, his heart revolts. He is disgusted by his own wants and desire. Because deeper within, in his heart of hearts… he knows what he truly wants in life. He knows what truly matters… he knows what will make him happy; a life of purity.. a life righteousness, of goodness, of trust, of faithfulness, of love.

Not this… not this, that promises so much yet delivers so little. He knows. He knows that the false promises that keep him baited.. that keep him trapped in his own desires. But despite knowing it all… he still wants what he want… his lips take on a life of its own, his fingers move by themselves.. and his feet take him to places he know he shouldn’t be.

“Cut it off!...” his conscience screams.. “Cut it off!” Better one foot in heaven that 2 in the fire...

But it’s ignored.. locked up and buried deep within the recesses of his mind. He finds out that merely having a conscience isn’t enough to conquer a desire. And he finds himself at the very road he was trying to run away from.

He is powerless.. a prisoner of his own desire… and all he knows to do… is hope and pray to God to save him from himself……

Indeed, we are our own worst enemy.

Weddings Don't Matter

Wedding are such beautiful events. To witness two people declaring lifelong commitment to one another in the presence of friends, family, society and God almighty… it’s quite a special experience.

Wedding Industry

But something isn’t quite right with the way we are getting married these days. Did you know that there’s this entire wedding ‘industry’… and it consist of hotels, bridal galleries, wedding photographers, videographers, specialist wedding cake bakers, florist, make-up artist, card printers, decorators, planners, car rental services, music bands….. the list goes on and on. If you’ve gotten married recently or on the verge of it, I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.

What this people have done is made the whole process of getting married a money making process… hence the term industry. Nothing ‘wrong’ all of this of course….. in most cases, there is a genuine demand and a genuine supply for such services. People in the industry aren’t (always) greedy little goblins ready to bring you to the slaughter house the minute you mention ‘wedding’.

Over Glamorization

But there IS still something wrong. And that’s the over glamorization of weddings. Many brides (and brides-to-be) have been brainwashed into wanting this so called ‘perfect’ wedding. Full of glitz, full of glamour; beautiful gowns, fancy photo shoots, grand entrances, wedding favours, customized cards, sophisticated floral arrangements, expensive bridal cars, diamond studded wedding bands… the list is endless. We’ve all been brainwashed into buying this idea of what all weddings are supposed to look like – perfect. And that’s where the problem starts…

No Perfect Wedding

There is no perfect wedding. Anything that can go wrong, WILL go wrong. It’s Murphy’s law.. whoever Murphy is. The table colours will be wrong, or the rain will come, or the food will taste bad, or the band will screw up, the brides shoe will break or the priest will show up drunk (OK, maybe not). Whatever it is, something will not go the way things are planned. And couples freak out… tears are quick to follow… usually by the brides… because all they wanted is one day….one perfect day on their wedding, just like how they imagined when they were young… and even that got taken from them. So much time, so much effort, so much money, so much fuss spent on getting the wedding right..couples end up thinking more about their wedding than their marriage.

Wedding = Marriage?

Look at the wedding of the late Princess Diana. By all accounts a fairy tale wedding; it was televised to 750 million people (no Youtube back then), 600,000 people lined up outside the church to see her, her gown was 8 meters long worth 9000 GBP, her ring was with sapphire with 14 diamonds around it, her wedding cake was made by some royal baker in Belgium…She was literally marrying a prince. But still, it ended in infidelity, heartbreak and eventually death.

Not all of us are going to have such dramatic lives of course, but here’s the point – how good your wedding is has little to do with how good your marriage is. The wedding is for a day, but the marriage is for life. Yet before tying the knot, we end up spending the bulk of our time thinking about the wedding instead of the marriage. Something is wrong when we spend 6 months to a year thinking planning for one particular day, but only start thinking about the rest of our lives after its too late.


I know all of this is sounding so serious and gloomy.. especially when it’s about weddings. But by comparison, weddings are actually the easy part. Relationships are tough.. and I imagine marriage is probably the toughest of them all. We should give it more thought than the wedding.

When it’s all warm, fuzzy and romantic, there really isn’t much fault you can find in your partner at all. Her fair is perfect, his moustache is adorable, her whims are cute and his demands are noble….
Sure you have different opinions and different ways of doing things.. buy hey, it’s nothing your love can’t overcome right? Love conquers all baby….

But when the novelty has passed and disillusionment sets in, you wonder what happened to the person you thought you fell in love with.. you wonder why you never saw how different your values and beliefs really are, how different you handle money, how different your individual goals are, how different you imagined your marriage is supposed to be. You fight about money, family, holidays, roles and responsibilities… THEN you start to wonder if you’ve perhaps married the wrong person.

Of course, by then it’s too late because you already said ‘I do’.

Doesn't Matter Anyway

If you’ve just skimmed through everything I wrote above, then just read this summary:

Weddings aren’t that important. Maybe a lot of women and brides-to-be will want to murder me for saying that, but it’s true. I’m not saying it’s a complete waste of time. It isn’t. But it’s probably only 0.004% a part of your marriage. That’s the percentage of 1 day of the rest of the 60 years of your life.

What you’re better off doing instead of thinking about corsages, table arrangements, gowns and what have you, is to think about what it means to be a married couple for the rest of your life; what it means to go from becoming two to one; what it means to say for better or for worse; and what it REALLY means to say ‘I do’ in the presence of God. Talk about your plans together, your priorities, your outlook of money, what you each want out of life, your common values….If you're part of a church and they have marriage preparation courses, attend it. If not, talk to you parents, or long married couples... You’re opening a big can of worms of course, and you won’t be able to sort it all out immediately, but at least it’s the right direction.

If you can do that… if you can see things for what they are and not get confused over what’s truly important and prepare accordingly - then even if on your wedding day it rains, the photographer is lost, the band is missing and the bride trips and falls during the march in – you will still be blessed with a good marriage and a life happily ever after….

Congratulations to all our friends who are recently getting / got married. I won't wish for you a fantastic wedding.. but a lasting marriage. God bless you!

Cheers...

Bits of You... & Me

You know, I’m going to tell you something; I still read the things you write.

And I know this is going to sound so silly, but here and there, I wonder if some things you write... a few particular ones, are meant for me, or rather, meant at me. I don’t know if it’s just me thinking too much, being too self absorbed or just plain vain… but I can’t help it sometimes. Some things strike so close to the heart that I find it impossible to think that maybe… just maybe… I’m at the back (or front) of your mind when you write those words.

I’ve thought of saying something sometimes. A hundred and one thoughts, words and sentences race through my mind. But I hold back. Like you, I too wonder how thing would be like if we had said more… or perhaps less. With that in mind, I end up not saying anything at all, not because I have nothing to say, but because I’m terrified I’ll say the wrong things all over again. I guess I just really really want to make it work right this time round... if there is a 'this time' to be had. 

I’m tempted to try to put in words what and how exactly I feel, about what happened between you and me, about how thing are now between us, about how I hope things can be in the future. But I won’t. Because between feeling it, finding the words for it, writing it, you reading it, processing it and finally knowing it - what I feel, what I said, what you understood and what I mean would probably be lost in translation.

But even now as I look back at everything that happened, I feel compelled to say this; it meant a lot to me. It was something significant to me. You were, and still are, something significant to me - in a way I don't quite know how to define. Not that I'm still clinging on to the past or anything like that. Though I know only very little of the details of your life now, I am silently very happy to see you doing so well.... for having got where you are, for having met someone who seems to be able to love you for all that you are worth. In my heart, I have wished for you nothing but happiness and goodness. And that's been true since the start. Without wanting to sound overtly dramatic, I guess there is, and always will be, a piece of you I want to keep in my heart.. bits and pieces of the memory of things we said to one another, things we did together.. bits that despite everything else did feel real, and magical, and sincere and true....

Anyway, I don't really know where I'm going with this, or why I'm even writing this.

But for some reason, despite being so busy for the past few weeks and months, despite hardly having time to even think or write or blog, despite just having experience so many exciting, life changing event.... when I finally find a moment of quiet and silence to myself... I find myself thinking about you.

Maybe that's just what I'm really try to say... that you know what?.... every now and then, I think of you too.