of Fatherhood

This weekend would mark the 1^st year of my wedding anniversary.  I guess you could say it’s quite a milestone. To be honest, I didn’t really realize it until my boss (of all people) came up to me and reminded me about it. I found it quite amusing that my own boss knew my own wedding better than I did.

A year plus back, the question most people had for me was “So, how do you feel about getting married?”. A little than less of a year back, the question was “So, how’s married life?” This time around, its “So, when are you going to have kids?”

I know most people ask it as a courtesy of sorts. And in many ways, they are perfectly normal questions. After all, these are the natural progressions of people who step into marriage. My parents and some of our closer friends seem almost more excited over the prospects of having kids than we are.

But honestly, it bothers me.

My wife constantly asks “Don’t you want children?”

My standard reply would be “Of course I want them, just not yet.”

She’s ready, I know. I think she’s been ready since day one of our marriage.

But I’m not…………….. at least I don’t feel like I am.

She’d give me this “You’re such a typical guy…” kind of look. And I suddenly feel like I’m back in the same position I was about 2 years ago. Back then, I seemed to be running away from the idea of marriage, and now I seemed to be running away from the idea of parenthood. As for my wife, she’s way ahead of me emotionally, waiting for me with arms crossed, asking me “I’m ready, you’re not. When are you going to get there?”

But I understand myself. I’m not the sort of guy that takes changes easily. I’m slow when it comes to emotional adjustments. I need time for things to sink in. I need time to get used to new roles I’ve been put in life. And right now, it seems like I’m just getting used to the idea of being someone’s husband. It’s been only a year, but already I feel like I haven’t been a very good one. So, who am I to say I’m ready to be a father? How do you progress on to the next level while you haven’t even mastered the current one? I am reminded of the Calvin and Hobbes comic… where Calvin’s father say he wouldn’t have been in such a hurry if he knew being an adult was so ad-libbed. 

I guess my uneasiness boils down to two things. First, I don’t think I’m good enough to be a father yet. I know to many, it comes naturally. Many women seem to have some sort of maternal instincts built into them that naturally comes out the minute they pick up a baby. Many men I observe also seem to take up fatherhood so effortlessly. But I don’t feel like I am one of them. If I am going to be a father, I’d want to do it right. And right now, if I haven’t sorted out the mess in my own head, I have no business trying to raise a child.

Secondly, it’s my own life. I’m comfortable with the way things are. You could say I even like it. I l enjoy the freedom I have. I already have parents and in laws that are dependent on me. Having a little mini me just feels like another financial burden (as selfish as that sounds) that I’m not quite ready for yet. In my meanest and most blunt manner, I once say to my brother “Well… if he (my father in law) dies and he (my brother in law) moves out, then, ya, I’d be ready for a baby.” I know money isn’t everything. And it seems so crude to be talking about children as if it was something you should want only when you can afford it.

With great faith that even I cannot muster, my wife believes that whatever it is, things will work out fine. That God will provide for our every need. There I realized the difference. While I may know more about God and the bible than she did, she put her faith, hope and trust in God while I placed mine in myself. I am acting exactly the way my father did.

*Shrugs*

Perhaps if it is my fate to be a father soon, I should start looking at my own father too… the one in heaven that is.

Money Matters

“Do you think I’ve lost my bearings?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean… do you think I’ve lost sight of what’s important?”

“Maybe…. Ya… A bit I guess… You have been obsessing about money more than I like.”

“Yes, I know. But that’s because I feel very strongly that it’s my duty to provide… and I need to do that well. I feel as if the things I do in the coming few years will impact us for the rest of our lives. If I am to provide more than enough for this family in the future… I need to do something now. But I don’t know if what I can provide is going to be enough. I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to put us in a nice big house, afford all the things we want or travel the places we want to see together.”

“Don’t worry dear… whatever you can provide…it will be enough… I don’t need a lot to be happy. We don’t need a lot of money to be happy.”

The thought of money (or the lack of it) had been constantly looming over me of late. It’s a simple thought. “How am I going to find enough money for all the things that require it?” Every single time I pulled out a few hundred dollars from my pocket to be given for medicine, groceries, household necessities, bills, rent… I fear that I’d not have enough the next time I need to pull some out again.

It’s not like I had no income at all. It’s not like we had no place to stay or food to eat. It’s the sheer speed in which the money comes in every beginning of the month gets wiped away so quickly that scares me. What if one day, that money stops coming in… and bills still need to be paid?

I realize that nothing I say here is news to adults the world over. A big part of being an adult would mean tackling and managing these issues. And for a big part of this year, you could say that my singular focus was on trying to manage all the money coming in and going out of my pocket. I suddenly become very aware of the fact that there is fierce competition in the world on what you should do with your money.

Telco’s tell you that you absolutely need an iphone, blackberry of some sort of ‘smart’ phone with a data plan because not having one is so last decade. Insurance agents hound you, scaring you with cost of medical treatment, mutual fund agents warn you on the foolishness of people who don’t invest their money, investors tell you to invest in everything from gold bars, land, blue chip stocks, Islamic funds, bonds, insurance plans and even burial plots (no kidding), credit card companies call you and splash money in your face with deceptively low interest rates per annum, older folks tell you to invest in property quickly before everything becomes unaffordable, friends ask you out for Friday night drinks at bars that sell beer at the cost if liquid gold, airline companies (and other friends) ask you to go on overseas holidays since air travel has become affordable, cancer society and various NGO’s approach you asking you for donations for  well deserved causes, direct marketers push you to buy their super duper washing liquid that cleans both your hair, face, body, car and toilet bowl with a minty fresh scent, random strangers walk up to you asking you to buy lottery tickets, homeless beggars with no leg reach out their hands asking for a dollar.

And at every junction… there is always the same question to be answer.

Should I or should I not put my money here? What is the right thing to do?

I realize that being in charge of your own finances, your own wellbeing, and that of your entire household is tougher than it seems. It’s not so easy trying to be not too emotionally involved in it, yet still be on top of things. Men of ancient days brought food to the table by arming themselves with spears and knives. We don’t carry physical spears and knives anymore. Things have change. But it’s no less easy living in this digital jungle today. I might not be a dad just yet. But I suddenly understand how it’s like for them.

Renewing Bonds

I received a surprise call from one of my old college friends the other day.

He was actually the very first person I befriended when I started life in college. In fact, he was the only one I considered a 'friend' in my first year. In my second year, I made a few more. By the end of my forth year, I counted only 5 as 'friends' in the truest sense. The language might have been a barrier, but I think I was slow to make friends in those years. Perhaps even now.

And the thing about talking to old friends.. is that you always end up talking about all the others in the same batch. We were in the same clique after all.

It would seem none of us bothered keeping much in contact with each other. Not much of a surprise there. Half of that was actually my own doing. As I write this, all of them are away. One went on a working holiday to Australia for a year, another is in Singapore and another is off the shores of Sarawak drilling for oil. But that isn't much of an excuse. Even when they were right here in KL, I never bothered calling them. Not even a sms, chat or instant message. I was never interested to. And I guess neither were they. Some friends we are huh?

It wasn't like we had any falling out.We still chatted like old pals when we met. But I felt the bonds slowly growing thin.... and I didn't feel the need to strengthen them before they eventually broke. Perhaps I am being arrogant and reclusive.

I ask myself why with some, I feel so eager to fuel and keep the fires of friendship going... even if it meant going out of my way to call or meet them, whereas with some, I simply couldn't be bothered.

A simplistic way of seeing is is that I am merely moving on. That there was a time and place for those things.. but now.. it's time to move on to other things. But if that were so, why do I not feel that way about every other friendship? What distinguishes bonds that do lead you to a desire to renew and maintain it, and those that don't?

*Shrughs*

The closest I've gotten to an answer is this:

We keep in touch with people we are still able to identify with. People whom, when we look at them... some part of them... is just like us. That when we look at them.. we see ourselves.. or at least a hint of it. And when we associate that person to ourselves... an emotional bond develops. They become...almost an extension of us...and that's why whenever we feel that connection fading... as if an extension of us is close to being severed.... we feel the need to mend it.

Make sense much?

No?

I knew I shouldn't have drank that coffee...

Good night folks..

Dum Di Dum Di Dum...

I've always loved this song from the very first day I heard it more than 12 years ago. I was playing the song on my computer and dancing in the goofiest of ways in front of my other half when she said a smile on her face "This song is so you..."I stopped and just gave her an even sillier smile. This wasn't the first time someone has said that to me. A close friend of mine has said that to me on numerous occasions. The only thing that bothers me is that they never consider the songs they associate with me as cool. They know that one of my old time favourite classics is this one by Billy Joel. and this one from the Proclaimers. They kind of wonder why a guy born in the mid 80's like would like music belonging to the previous generation.

Actually, I happen to know exactly why I like each of these songs. Because I think they are cool in their own way.

Quizzical by Juliet the Orange is fun because it t's one of those rare songs sang from a woman's perspective about their own insecurities about being too ugly, too plain or too whatever... and it gets projected onto this love song to the man she sings to.... asking him "I can't cook.. my toes are huge, I'm messy, I've got issues, I'm clingy.. .Are you sure you'd want to be with a girl like me?  "  And it's all sang in a rather light hearted manner. Combining humour, emotion and poetry into a melody....What's not to like? Pretty awesome piece of song writing if you ask me. I'm so hoping you'd find the song cooler now that you've read that. :-P 

As for We didn't Start the Fire by Billy Joel is a song I discovered out of chance... at a Karaoke session with some buddies. Our Spanish speaking Peruvian buddy and his good friend started singing (or rather screaming) it... and by the end of the song, I was speechless... both at their singing.. and the lyrics of the song. I've always been interested in History. And this actually a running social commentry of current event all they way from the 60s to 80s... in the form of a song! How can you not find that cool? I mean.. it even rhymes! I don't care if anyone else thinks its geeky or lame. I love it.

And that last one.. 500 miles by the Proclaimers.... it's a song sang by Scottish twin brothers about a man that would..... walk 500 miles and 500 more just to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door.... tadadada... tadadada..tadadadumdadaddadum..dum... Actually.. I just like singing along to it. It's not really awesome in any hidden way... just really really fun. :-P

Anyway, it's 2.00am as I write this. I'm pretty sure tomorrow I'll be cursing myself in the morning for singing silly songs in the middle of the night instead sleeping. So good night folks.... If you have a lame song that you secretly find cool for reasons of your own... do share it with me!

Cheers!

Google +/- ?!

Someone sent me an invitation to join Google+. I had left that mail in my inbox and ignored it for 2 months. Finally I decided "Oh what the hell.. no harm trying.." and clicked join.

5 minutes later, I deleted my Google+ account.

Not that I didn't like it.

I just didn't have the energy to start out over on another social networking site. My Facebook is already rather neglected.... who am I to start another social networking account.

I started out with Friendster.. which was quite novel at the time. I skipped Hi5, Myspace and a slew of other randowm networking sites. Couldn't dodge Facebook. Hated Buzz and now, Google+ has been automatically disqualifed for no fault of its own.

I think we live in an age of over connectivity. Those who live in the city already have internet all the time. People who carry iPhones and Blackberrys have their emails in their pockets. Things like WhatsApp or BBM make texting each other a breeze. It's making it ever more convenient for us to connect to one another, but it's not actually making us want to.Or maybe that's just me. I don't want to be connected and contactable all the time. Even with my own boss, colleague, wife or family, I sometimes deliberately ignore their calls. It's fatigue from over connectivity.

When two people have a desire to connect, they will find a way. Once upon a time, it was letters, then telegrams, then phone, then emails, then instant messaging. Today, it's all of the above. Yet, I still find myself no where closer to catching up with people I've promised to catch up with so many weeks and months ago.

An old friend asked me a while ago why I was never on MSN chat. I said I never bother to... and asked why she did. She said it was a great way to keep in touch with everyone at one time. I said if you wanted to keep in touch with me, all you had to do was call. We could talk over the phone or meet up. That's catching up to me.

We are born with 5 senses ;sight, smell, sound and touch and taste. These are the gateways we experience life and each other. If we chat computer to computer, I don't see you in the flesh, I don't smell your scent, I don't hear your voice, I can't touch your skin... and I obviously can't taste you. But if we meet face to face, I see you before my eyes, I can detect you scent, I can hear you loud and clear, I can hold you and make eye physical contact. I obviously still won't taste you (since licking your friends seems rather inappropriate for cannibalistic or sexual reasons). BUT, we do share a meal together, hence a shared experience of taste right?

Anyway, what it really boils down to is this. I' not a hermit. I enjoy keeping in touch with my social circle.... in the flesh and blood that is. The over connectivity I'm talking about is the over connectivity to the virtual world. In the virtual word, 'smileys; 'lol' and other assorted abbreviations and internet lingo become substitute for real human interaction. Which too me, is kinda like being short changed. You want life like a really hearty and wholesome home cooked dinner. Not a genetically modified, artifically flavoured, mass produced burger from crappy fast food chain.

That's why whenever I feel a strong connection with someone, I inevitable have the urge to meet them. Our own minds tell us that there is more to connectivity than just the instant part of it.

Is what I'm saying making any sense to anyone else? 

It's All Your Fault?

One of the things I hate hearing the most when getting involved in an arguement is this

"You make me sound so stupid"... or "You made me angry." or "It's your fault I'm feeling this way..."

My blood boils everytime I hear it. If I was upset before, hearing those kind of works just makes it worse. I'd usually retort with a "I didn't make you sound anyway.."I didn't make you angry"... You got that way yourself... because "I don't control how you feel!"

It annoys me because it implies that I am responsible for that persons feelings. Not that I don't care about the other persons feelings, I do. If I am responsible for your feelings, then you aren't then I am held liable to whatever unpleasant outcome you feelings will now lead to.

Basically, whatever you do now that you are upset, is all my fault.

Which is rubbish if you ask me.

Everyone is ultimately responsible for their own feelings. As cliche and overused as that sounds, its true. The things we do and say will always affect the people around us. The closer you are, the more pronounced that effect is. A harsh word from someone close to you will always hurt more than if spoken by a stranger. We acknoweledge that we are affected by the things others do and say. And that's where the line gets blurred and all this "You made me..." line start coming out.

There's a different betwee saying "I feel stupid" and "You made me feel stupid." I resent the second because more than adding just causality, it tells me that the person is unable (or more likely) unwilling to take ownership of their own feelings.

I have never used that line ever in an arguement. Maybe thats rather arrogant of me to say, but it's true. While I do have feelings just like everyone else. I do know how it feels to feel hurt or angry after hearing harsh, uncalled, or cruel words. But I have never forgotten the fact that I am the master of my own heart. More than just being responsible of it's condition, I am the captain and steward of my own emotions. If I am headed to rocky waters.. painful as it is, I still need to steer it to safety.

So the next time time you find yourself about to utter those kinds of words, try to hold your tongue for a moment. Because if you don't, I'll start to get upset again, and it will be all your fault.

:P

RIP Steve

Sorry I haven't posted anything lately. Busy is the lame, but nonetheless valid excuse I'm giving. The excuse I'm about to give is.... that I have nothing to write. Though life continues to go on, events continue to unfold, there has been nothing compelling enough for me to pen down beyond the random pieces of thoughts that would belong more on a twitter post than on a blog like this.

Steve Job died today. I remember being so impressed with his famous speech on ted.com to Stanford University graduates about how to live before you die. That was 6 years ago when he was first diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. He talked about how he said ''Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart." I admired that about the man. It would seem he lived a truly remarkable life by embracing his impending death.

We aren't all Steve Jobs. Only a minoriy of people ever truly live remarkable lives, doing things that would affect millions of people. The rest of us would most likely live unremarkable, ordinary lives. Remarkable people are the exception, the rest of us are the rule.  Not that there is anything shameful about that.If there is anything I think Steve Jobs was trying to say in his speech was to measure your life against yourself, kind of like a game of golf. "Your time is limited. Don't waste your time living someone elses life" he said...The only handicap you needed to improve on was your own. You had to trust your own gut and intuition to do what you think is right, instead of following what the world tells you you need to do.  He did a lot of great work in his life at Apple..He loved what he did, and people loved the things he did. The secret to those great work was this... "You've got to find what you love...... The only way to do great work, is to love what you do..."

It's funny....  that truly importan things only become apparent to us when we realize that we could lose it at any moment. The fact that whatever it is we have in our possession, isn't really something we own perpetually, but rather something we steward over momentarily. In this case, life itself. We have this life to live, but it's not meant forever. We build friendships, but they too come and go. The things we have and the money we earn, all eventually get passed on to others, either through our own doing or death. Nothing this side of heaven is ever permanent. It's fleeting. And I guess that's what makes it beautiful.

RIP Steve Jobs.

And good night my friend. You are on my mind as always.

My Fav Shots

One thing that I perhaps seldom mention is my love for photography.

I've always liked viewing and taking pictures. Life has always been a sequence of fleeting moments. And to me, pictures have always been the medium in which all that fleeting moment in life is freezed for us to savour after it is gone. Things like a breathtaking view, a warm smile, a tender moment, a heartbreaking sight... things like that make up the many memories we carry with us as we move forward in life.

Anyway, just on a whimp, here are some pictures which I'd like to share. I hope you like them. (click to enlarge) They are all taken locally in Malaysia. I've entered them into a competition. Hopefully, it wins me something!

Have a good weekend my friend.

Zen By the Beach

Purple Sea

A View of Luxury

They Don't Care

Sunsets on the Sea

Waves

Two Halves of Happiness

A Vista At Home

You'd Work There Too

Crawlies on the Floor