Everyone needs time to themselves.....

I've been thinking a lot lately about my need for time to myself...

I'm the kind of person that seems to constantly need time to myself. Every now and then, I find myself longing to be alone, by myself rather than have someone by my side. I don't think I'm a loner... or maybe I am little, but have you ever found yourself in situations where you had a choice of going at it alone, or with someone and find that you rather do it alone most of the time? No? Or maybe somethings wrong with me.

For instance, sometimes when I have to make the long 3 hour drive down to Singapore, I'd rather to it alone, than to sit with a colleague with me. I can go when I want, stop when I want, listen to what I want, as loud as I want, and not need to force myself to create conversation for the sake of it. After a hard days works, I sometimes would rather just be alone in the room, by myself, doing whatever it is I feel like doing, which most if the time.. is actually nothing. LOL. Yes, I like doing nothing sometimes...

Then there's also the kind of hobbies I seem to have taken up.I like reading; that's done alone. I like swimming; that's done alone too. And I like writing; alone again. Why are things that I have so naturally taken up be things that are done strictly by myself? Somehow, I don't think it's a coincidence. When I read, I'm totally immersed and lost in whatever world and thought the author brings. When I swim, I hear nothing but my own breath, the beating of my own heart, and sensation of my body cutting through the water. I feel free, at peace and calm.When I write, I find focus... focus on my thoughts. It sometimes takes me hours just to write a single paragraph, but often times, it's not the end result that helps me. It's the thought process. As the words come out, I struggle in trying to make what is written truly reflect what's inside. Write and rewrite, and then you realize that you can't write about what you don't know, and that's when the journey of discovery often starts for me. Vague ideas become crystal, fuzzy feelings become clear, and many a times, hesitations and doubts transform into deep rooted conviction.


But time to myself doesn't only mean I want to be alone all the time. Many times, I sit alone in my room and look the the four walls, and wonder why I'm sitting alone and everyone else seems to have company. Wanting to be alone is often a cry for some time to one's self. But wanting time to one's self doesn't necessarily mean wanting to be alone. Time to myself at it's most basic level means I am free to do whatever I want, without having to ask anyone, or tell anyone or answer to anyone. And sometimes, I just want to meet the people I want to meet, and share thing things I have to share, no interruptions. I consider that time to myself too.

There are times when I'm with certain people, people like my mother, or my fiancee, or a close friend, and I intentionally don't pick up the phone when someone calls. Not for anyone, even when it's a call from another important person. (Unless it seems to be an emergency). I usually call them back later. When I say I want to spend time with that person, I try to ignore everything else, ESPECIALLY the phone. In this day and age, we never seem to think about when it's important to answer a call, and when to ignore it. The phone always gets answered by default. Don't people know that it is as much for yourself as it is for the person that you are talking to that you don't be interrupted by phone calls? Give your full focus on the person before you. They deserve it more than the one on the line. There's always voice mail, or text message, or they could always call LATER.

There are some people, whom I feel like meeting, just because I feel like seeing them. These are people for one reason or another, I long to establish connection with. These people belong in a special category. Most other people, I only meet on occasions i.e. gatherings, activities, outings, movie.. etc. But when I'm having time to myself, I sometimes yearn to meet up with people in this special category. No movies, no occasions, no reason. The meet IS the reason. And although I'm not alone, meeting up and establishing closeness with these people gives ME a sense of fulfillment, contentment and meaning to my life. That my life also involves other significant people. It's like I draw a circle to establish a boundary that defines who I am, and I find that as small a circle it is, I want to include them in that circle too. They matter to me, and I want them included in my life. The thing I fear the most is often that they might not have drawn me in THEIR circle. But I think I've already written about that earlier.

It took the person I'm with almost 7 years to figure this out about me. She used to think I was behaving secretively and suspiciously. But really, all I was doing was asking for some space and time. I never explained it to her, because quite frankly, I didn't quite understand this about myself either. Until one day, all stressed out and tired, she looked at me and said "I think you need some time to yourself. You haven't had that in a while.". I stared at her in amazement. Because it was coming from her; the person that I often felt was the one taking up all my free time, leaving me no time to myself. She had figured me out all on her own and she was right.


I smiled because I was glad I didn't have to try defending myself or explaining myself on why sometimes, I just need time away, even from her. I was glad she understood...

Everyone needs time to themselves.....