Friends of the heart.....

 What's in your heart?

I find myself asking that question, a lot of times..

Every time I sit down and start writing to myself. It's like going to freaking confession. "What's in your heart?" I ask myself. And often times, I stare at the blank screen for a long long time, just trying to figure out the answer to that. I type, and retype.... and erase the whole damn thing, go wash the dishes, then sit down and ask myself the same question again.

You know how people say there is no lying to yourself? Well, they weren't entirely correct. There are plenty of ways to lie to yourself. Human beings are good at that. We call it rationalizing. We call it justification. We call it reasoning. Often times, it's so hard to admit that we want the thing we want, even if it's wrong, even if its something we aren't supposed to want. We are emotional beings first and foremost, above this layer of emotions, is our intellect. And boy are we so good at rationalizing the thing we want.

Do I really agree with this? Do I really want that? Is this something I truly can accept? Do I really care? Can I live with myself like this? Is this something I really want deep down? It's a confrontation for me most of the time.. trying to seek the truth within me. I'm an inward looking person. I find answers not by reading what others have said, or what others think (thought that helps sometimes), but by looking inwards, into the very core of me.. into my heart. So many times, the things I find scare me. The knowledge that I am actually capable of many secret, deep, dark, wrongful deeds scare me. Things like countless occasions of wanting to be unfaithful, of wanting to stop caring, of wanting to hurt people. Other times, I find bits of emotional truths.. of values and beliefs that have guided me through my life.. bits of truth I didn't even know was in me. How strongly I feel about family bonds, how I judge people, how I perceive the goodness in others....and how I became such a cynic in life... and how I'm stubbornly still wanting to believe in the good of others. Confronting myself regularly has been one of the most enlightening and illuminating things I have done for myself. I sleep better at night knowing that at least I'm being honest... with myself la.


But...........What's in your heart?

I find myself asking that question, a lot of times too.

Everytime I meet someone new, and think that maybe this person has the potential of becoming a friend, I silently ask the question "What's in YOUR heart?" The only thing more daunting that figuring your own heart out, is trying to figure someone else's. In fact, I'm inclined to believe that it's downright impossible. But It's important to me somehow. I don't need to know everything. Just a little is enough for starters. But I do need to know you have a good heart. A caring heart. A heart that is not cold, evil and (for the lack of a a better word) 'heartless'.

If you're going to be a friend, that mean's I'll probably want to share a lot of things with you. If I start sharing a lot of things with you on a personal basis, the last thing I want to discover is that you never REALLY cared in the first place. That would break MY heart. If that was the case, I'd rather we just be acquaintances, exchange pleasantries now and then and happily move along with our individual lives. I'd risk nothing sharing my heart with you, and you save your ears hours of needless listening. This isn't the same as sharing things on a blog (like I'm doing now). Because whatever it is I start writing here, I assume that by default, no one's really bothered about the things they read online. It does not belong to the realm of the real world. Either people are just browsing, or they like the way I say things or whatever. Of course, there are (very) few exceptions to this.

So the deeper question I always need answering really is "Do you have ME in your heart?' Do you really care? There have been many friends in my life, with which I have silently retreated from, or quietly fade away from, not because they did a wrong to me, but simply because, after a while, I realized...... that they never really cared. At least, not in the way that I did for them, and it broke my heart. I can't do the whole 'friends with everybody' thing. I don't know how anyone ever has a couple of hundred friends. Being friendly with everyone isn't the same as being friends with everyone.

I want to be your friend, and I really want you as my friend, if I know you care. But the ones you thought cared sometimes never really do, and the ones you didn't know care, you took for granted That's why it's so darn hard to find true friends. I'm very cynical of friends because I've seen the self serving, selfish ways of people. They do everything friends normally do, go out for drinks, late night chats, activities, movies etc.. but every once in a while, a moment of truth comes along, and then you see it. You see just how much of a friend they really are. Those moment of truths usually come in times of desperation, or need, emotional or physical .....whenever the going gets tough, at your greatest time of need, you will see it. No doubt, people can't be there to help you all the time. Some things in life, even friends can't help you with. But a friend, who has you in their heart, will demonstrate their love and care for you in whatever means they are able to, ESPECIALLY in those times. A simple phone call, a ride home, a much needed pair of hands, emergency money... whatever. Nothing can ever be too big, or too small a gesture to show that you do care. To me, that's a friend. Someone who genuinely cares for you in a very real and sincere way... plain and simple.

I don't know about other people.. but for me, when times get rough, and I feel I need a friend, what I really want and need, isn't your help, or your money, or your ideas, or anything... just your heart, and maybe your ear. Just to know that you care what's going on with me, and what's happening to me, and that you would in the goodness of your heart, do whatever within your means to be there for me. That's enough. That's all I ever need from a friend. They don't have to have the same interest as me, they don't have to be same age, the don't have to of the same background, race, country, hobbies, neighborhood, school, class, or whatever else friends usually use as a platform to their friendship.

I know sometimes, you have to take the first step... It's true that you have to first be a friend before you gain a friend. That means you have to start caring for others first, without knowing for sure if it will ever be reciprocated. But that's a risk we all have to take at some point. A risk even I ever want to stop taking. I might be a cynic.. but I'm a reluctant one.


I want to be wrong about people and friends.
I want to believe that friendships aren't always just superficial.
I want to believe that when I care for a friend, they do care for me too..