Silence Kills

The interesting thing about silence is this; everyone agrees that it speaks more than words. Ironic really, since the definition of silence itself is properly to NOT speak.

Silence can be incredibly awkward.. like when you just met someone.. and you don't quite know how to keep the conversation flowing. Two people unsure what to say, or how to behave around each other, and they invariable end up just not saying anything.. thus the akward silence. I'm sure we've all been there. It can also be when it's a awkward situation, like when caught with you pants down (literally and metaphorically) or in a less than usual situation.. there is a silence there, because nobody really knows how to behave... and we all just try to shuffle along and pretend like nothing happened. The silence just emphasizes how uncomfortable we are with each other.

But silence can also be comfortable in a way. When two good friends or lovers just sit around the coffee table, sipping coffee, not saying a word. It's OK to be silent, and though it may seem like there is no interaction between the two, they probably are in fact just enjoy each others company. The silence just emphasizes how comfortable and content you are with each other. Like lovers walking by the beach during sunset, hand in hand... listening to the evening breeze and watching the sun go down.. Trying to hard to create conversation my just ruin the whole moment.. anything that needed to be said, is said there, through your skin.. touching one another, holding hands. You can even be on the phone with each other, and not say a word.. it sounds funny.. but this time.. it emphasizes just how comfortable you are with each other.

Silence can be killing... and just downright agonizing.. An email unreplied, a call unreturned, a text message, completely ignored. Have you ever felt that way? Wondering why this person has not returned you call or emails? First you tell yourself to be as fair as possible. Give the person all the time they need.

Maybe they are busy, maybe they can't find the right moment or opportunity to reply to you, and still....................no reply.

Then your insecurities start playing at you; maybe I said something wrong? Did I offend him / her in some way? Maybe I said some things I shouldn't have said? We think the worst when we are left to our own devices. When it's a persons silence we are dealing with.. we really really imagine the worst. Our insecurities just play out.. and it is at that moment that we often realize just how vulnerable we are.. how we as human beings really are so dependent on others for our sense of self. It's a scary realization.

We start doubting ourselves, and our self worth. Maybe he /she isn't that into me after all.. Maybe she didn't really mean the things she said. Maybe she was just having her fun and saying things to me to lead me on, giving me false hope. Maybe its my own stupidity to think the they were sincere towards me? Was I imagining things that were not there?

Then comes the sense of betrayal, and anger. You feel like you've been taken for a ride.. Like you've been played like a fiddle. Was this person EVER sincere? Is certainly looks like they were not. Why else would she blow me off like that? I though we had a good thing going on. I though we had good momentum, why the abrupt stop?

You feel like you've been running in the dark, trying to chase after your friend.. She / He's leading you on with their voices, prodding you, asking you to come forward, move faster, move closer.... and suddenly you hit a brick wall....and then...... nothing..... silence....... not a word.. no "hello, sorry im busy".. no "I'm damn pissed at you".. no "I hate you, don't want to ever see you again", no "Ive been playing with you all this while"..... nothing.......

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Just silence

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And you don't know if you should feel cheated or angry or stood up. You don't know if its a genuine mistake, if the person is genuinely unavailable, or if they just consciously ignore you. If they are ignoring you purposefully.. WHY? WHY? What did I do wrong? If nothing, what happened to you? What happened in between? Why aren't we talking anymore?

The silence kills.. The unknown just eats at your heart and your mind..

Your mind gets consumed by those unanswered questions. It leaves you confused, hurt and angry all at the same time. You have only questions, with no answers. You have only doubts, uncertainty and fears. Nothing kills your hopes and spirits faster than this deafening silence.

Silence..........it kills.