Hopeful Doubter

Someone called me a cynic once. OK, maybe more than once...

I do feel tempted to refute this claim sometimes because it implies that I'm essentially a negative person. Am I a negative person? I certainly like to think not. But I find it hard to ignore when people do say such things to me. Is that really the kind of impression I project to people? Of a cynic?

What's a cynic anyway? Someone who refuses to believe in things so simply? Someone who does not accept things at face value so easily? Someone who always ponders and doubts? If so, then YES, I'm a cynic - through and through. I do doubt a lot. I am inclined not to accept things just at face value. I do take a lot of convincing before I believe in something. But that's because once I do, I usually stick to it. That doesn't make me negative does it? I thought that's what they call pessimists.

I think there is a key difference between a cynic and a pessimist. Both are doubters. But one quietly keeps hope, while the other forsakes it.

So many mornings, I wake up preparing myself and firmly believing that certain things will not happen, certain people will not change, certain events will never come true. It's not everyday that you can live as if the whole universe will conspire to help you meet your destiny. Reality feels far less romantic than the ones you read in books. But secretly, I keep hope. Maybe today, a miracle will happen. maybe something special will come my way. Sometimes, they come in the form of an event. But more subtly in the form of someone. Something or someone that suddenly gives you renewed hope in love, life or just people in general. I do hope for that most mornings. That's what a cynic does I guess - plan for the worst, hope for the best.



Once upon a time, I embraced every word people whispered into my ear. Sweet sounding words that had so much promise and potential. I never take what people said to me lightly. It's important to me. And I cling on to them dearly, sometimes remembering them long after the speaker said it. But I realized not everyone put as much weight on their words as I thought. Some just said the things you want to hear, some were just careless, and some just naive. People don't always say what they mean. And they don't always mean what they say. I learned that the hard way. Sometimes, they think they mean it - but I know they'll change their minds about what they said later. Circumstances change, feelings change, relationships change. Very quickly, words once said with so much heart & passion are disregarded.

These days, I'd rather not hear sweet words from anyone at all. And I've made it a conscious effort not to say too much too soon to anyone, however natural, however true they feel at the time. Enough hearts have been broken over words carelessly spoken. I don't want anymore on my account. Hurts too much.

If I really am a cynic, then this is yet another thing now added onto my list of cynical beliefs. I've lost a lot faith in the spoken word - especially those spoken by people whose lips move too soon & heart change too quick. More often then not, I find it hard to believe that they mean what they say. 90% of me really doubts. But 10% hopes... and strangely, in the realm of the heart, 10% of hope still aces 90% of doubt. That's how you end up giving people the benefit of the doubt. You know 9 of 10 will break your heart. But you're actually looking for the 10th guy.

Cynic you say? More like hopeful doubter.

of Puzzles & Love

More Free Music at MP3-Codes.com

"Good morning beautiful. 8 long years filled with good times and bad times. Joy, laughter, tears & heartache; we felt them all. But the one that stands out the most: LOVE. Having your love gives me strength, loving you gives me courage. Happy Anniversary my dear. You are the love of my life. :-)"

"Darling, thank you so much for being so loving and patient throughout these 8 years. You've been there at my worst and shared my best. There is nothing more I could ask in return. You have given me so much. I love you with all my heart and I wish both of us life long happiness & companionship. Happy Anniversary. 

Today, we're celebrate our 8th year anniversary.

8th year commemorating what exactly? Of me being an hour late for our date. Of her being two hours late for our date. Of me trembling in fear as I blurted out words I could not have known were life changing..."Would you be my girlfriend."

Quite a number of people have asked me when or at what point did I know she was 'the one'. They wonder if there was some sort of dramatic defining moment set my heart for good. Others just assumed that since we've been so long together, it was just a matter of time...

I hate to burst their bubble, but there was no defining moment. And I'll tell you very honestly, even after many years of dating, it was never a guarantee that we would end up together, not for me at least.

Nothing happened that made me decide she was the one. In fact, there was a period of time that I asked myself if she was indeed the one. This went on for weeks, which turned into months and eventually years. We were comfortable with each other, we cared for one another, but I did not have an answer to my own question. Was she 'the one'? What was the one anyway? As if we we're all individual pieces of a jigsaw puzzle searching for others that were made to match us, worrying that we might not find them. I would often look at other women around and me and wonder if I'm supposed to be with them, that I just don't know it yet. I looked at them and asked myself that forbidden question "If I were not with someone right now, could I love this other person?" I never told anyone, but once or even twice, the answer didn't come back as a No.

And people just assume that after so and so many years together, you're bound to be together. Sadly, this isn't true. Last week, I sat for for 7 hours with a dear friend nursing a broken heart. They had dated for 4 years before he dumped her suddenly and abruptly, over MSN. In the never ending maze of my own heart, I had wondered if the number of years we clocked together made either of us carry on just so the past years do not go to waste. It's like making the right choices, but for all the wrong reasons. Right action, wrong intent. What a dilemma.

I did not wake up one morning realizing that I could not live without her. I'd be so bold as to say if I did not have in my life, I would have lived life all the same. But I did meet her, and she did come in my life. What did happen was that in between one of those many lazy Sunday mornings watching cartoons & bickering about taking out the trash, she made me feel loved even in the most nonchalant way. The best of her made me proud, and the worst of her gave me headaches... but I loved her anyway. A smile on the face comes from a happy heart... and she made me smile a lot so I knew I was happy. I still hadn't figured out whether she was the piece of the puzzle meant for me, or if I could be happier with someone else, but I allowed my mind to wonder into the future, and I found myself thinking that if I had a son, I wanted him to have a mom like her. And if I had a daughter, I'd want her to be just like her mom. I could picture no one else.

And vaguely, I guess that's when I knew, she was the one. That's what I'm celebrating today. And someone across the sea, I knew she is too.

Serendipity Sunsets

I seldom if ever talk about my work.

First of all, the field I'm in is highly technical. It's hard to answer in simple layman terms what I do exactly, or the product we make. Most of the time, unless it's a fellow engineer, my explanations invariably draw blank looks from people... and I just go "Oh nevermind... I'm just a regular engineer k..." I know people aren't really interest in what engineers do anyway. Also, a big part of me refuses to let what I do for a living define the person that I am. A lot of people derive their sense of worth from their job. The only way they feel important or significant, is if their job is important and significant. I don't really buy into that thinking. I know where my sense of self comes from, and my job ain't it.

But believe it or not, I actually enjoy the work I'm doing now. There are no two days that are exactly alike. It's challenging, it's dynamic, and in many ways, it's quite exciting. Over the course of my work, I have sat through million dollar contract negotiations, witnessed profanities flung across the room in official meetings, people get fired on the spot, sat under the sweltering hot sun tightening bolts & nuts & watching people getting seriously injured while working in the field.

But today wasn't one of those days...

Today... everything was fine. I sat at the back of the truck as it made its way out of the plant at the end of the shift. There were just a few of us, all dressed up in our safety helmets, goggles, ear plugs, coveralls, safety boots, gloves...... We talked about the events of the day, shared a few laughs and the inevitable few dirty jokes. It was the weekend. Most of us had home on our mind and were only too eager to get out of our suits. Most of them had wife and kids. I think I was the youngest one there.

Our laughter died down, and everyone just looked away, each busy with their own thoughts. I wasn't looking forward to the regular jam at the causeway later... but I needed to brave it if I wanted to be home. I looked at my watch.."Ah.. 7pm.. time to look up". I leaned back and looked outward towards the sky.

Clear skies with some clouds here and there. Colours changing hue from deep orange from where the sun was setting to dark blue where the moon was rising.

PERFECT.

The life of an engineer isn't the least bit glamorous. But in between calling an end to a hard days work, sharing a good laugh & looking up at that beautiful sky in silence, I felt happy. Evening skies then to have that effect on me.

My thoughts went out to my family, old friends, new friends, friends facing difficult times, friends I hadn't seen in months, people I lost touch with, people I still keep in touch with, people I gave up trying to connect with and most interestingly, people who have made sudden contact with me again after so many years. Being away from it all somehow gave me clearer insight into many of my relationships with people. I could see which ones were superficial and which ones were genuine, which were just camaraderie & which were true concerns.

I smiled to myself.

Just like catching a glimpse of this sunset today, many of the most amazing things that have happened in my life happened unexpectedly. I didn't plan them, they just fall right into my lap unasked for. The most valued relationships I've came from the most unexpected places & happened right under my nose. I landed myself an interesting job before I even knew what I was getting myself into. The love of my life literally turned herself around and introduced herself to me before I could even plucked up the courage to look her in the eye. I guess you could say I'm a real lucky little bastard. I think I've had more than my fair share of serendipity so far.

Anyway, at that moment, I was cracking my head trying to think of this quote I read for some reason...but could not remember the words exactly... but here it is.

Often people attempt to live their lives backwards; they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want, so they will be happier.  The way it actually works is the reverse.  You must first be who you really are, then do what you need to do, in order to have what you want.  ~Margaret Young

It's good to be home, even just for a while. Have a good weekend.

Cheers

Bad Road Karma

I've been on a bad streak.

I've been involved in 4 accidents in as many weeks. Just minor ones actually but still....

Accident #1
Breakfast Sunday morning after church. Parked my car near a coffee shop and had myself a delicious hearty Malaysian breakfast with my family... and came back to see my car with a nasty dent on the right rear. Some bozo had knocked into my car and just drove off. Curse you! But hey, I was in a good mood. I hadn't been home in weeks, so I tried not to make too big a deal out of it. But I had quite a lot of explaining to do to my boss since it's a company car.

Accident #2
This was squarely my fault. IT was just at the traffic light in front on my place. Had a lot of things on my mind, wasn't quite paying attention to the road. I was just leaving to Singapore (again) wasn't quite happy that I couldn't do all that I wanted before returning. Saw the green light and slammed the accelerator pedal..and rammed straight into the guy in front. SHIT! Luckily, it was a nice guy. Paid him a sum and spend the next 3 hour drive down south in a VERY shitty mood.

Accident #3
Hate these bloody car parks in Singapore. All the cars are so close together. Everything's either reverse parking or parallel parking. And I swear you need to be a professional car stunt driver to be able to park confidently in such tight corners. Anyway.. I kinda 'bumped' into the guy in front when I was trying to park. "Oops.." I said to myself. Luckily there wasn't anyone and the damage only cosmetic (honest!). I guess what goes around comes around. People bang you, you bang people. Some call it karma, I just call it shit that happens when parking your car.

Accident #4
This was totally not my fault. I was at a checkpoint waiting to tap our access cards that raises a barrier before driving into a certain restricted zone. There was a small slope. The guy in front of me was looking for his card or something. Didn't pull his hand breaks while searching through his glove compartment.. and his car came rolling down.... straight into my car. I blasted my horn.. but it was too little too late. FARK! "Well, thank you very much God... Is this supposed to be the part where my day can only get better?" I wondered. I would have reversed, but then I'd just bang into the guy behind me. Didn't help that it was an old man behind the wheel and I really didn't have the heart to be mean. It kinda made me wonder if more old people get away with road accidents than younger people.

Anyway, I don't know what the hells going on. Maybe it is bad karma. Maybe I'm paying for traffic offenses done in a past life. :-P

But I think I've just not been paying attention when driving. I've been on the road a lot in the past few months. More often than not, I go into this 'autopilot' mode and my mind tends to drift off to other things. And believe me, I've had quite a lot on my mind. I got a royal scolding by my mom and one or two beloved friends for 'making them worried & upset'. "Make sure you're rested before you drive!... No going at 140kph!.. Do not make me worry about you, understand?.. The funniest one was - I'll kill you myself if you get into another accident." It kind of left me confused. Not sure if I should have said thank you or sorry... so I just said both. 

To be honest, it felt kinda good to be fussed over. I guess meeting multiple accidents does have its small perks. I tend to wonder sometimes if people really care.. and it's nice to personally experience the answer.....even if it comes in the form of half-annoyed-half-concerned nags.   :-P

Invisible Wings, Fly Me Away

More Free Music at MP3-Codes.com

*******************************

I'm in one of those moods today. Can't seem to find the words to describe it. But it feels and reads pretty much like this song. It's a song by Zhang Shao Han @ Angela Zhang called Yin Xing De Chi Bang or literally....Invisible Wings. I don't listen to a lot of chinese songs. But sometimes, some are really really beautiful.. not to mention poetic. This one is sad but hopeful song. The kind you'd sing to yourself as you thread along a long dark tunnel. Your eyes fixed on the light at the end. You know you're going to make it. You know you will reach the end, it's just not time yet. You know you need to journey on. But right here, right now, you need courage, you need strength, but mostly, you need hope... and so you have songs like this. The lyrics don't sound quite as poetic or beautiful when translated into English.. but in mandarin, it really is very beautiful. You'll just have to take my word on that.

每一次 都在 徘徊孤單中堅強
[I put up a strong front whenever I'm wandering in loneliness]
每一次 就算很受傷也不閃淚光
[I don't blink tears when I feel hurt]
我知道 我一直有雙隱形的翅膀
[I know I always have a pair of invisible wings]
帶我飛 飛過絕望
[That will let me fly, that will let me fly over this feeling of hopelessness]

不去想 他們 擁有美麗的太陽
[I'm not going to think what beautiful suns they have]
我看見 每天的夕陽也會有變化
[The evenings that I see change everyday]
我知道 我一直有雙隱形的翅膀
[I know I always have a pair of invisible wings]
帶我飛 給我希望
[That will let me fly, that will give me hope]

我終于 看到 所有夢想都開花
[I've finally seen that all my dreams have blossomed]
追逐的年輕歌聲多嘹亮
[The sounds of the young songs I'd chased have all become clear]
我終于 翱翔 用心凝望不害怕
[I've finally soared; I have heart and I've concentrated; I'm not scared]
哪里會有風就飛多遠吧
[I'll fly wherever the wind blows me]

隱形的翅膀 讓夢恒久比天長
[These invisible wings have made my dreams permanent (realities) that will exist longer than time]
留一個愿望讓自己 想象
[I'll leave myself a wish, so that I may imagine...]

每一次 都在 徘徊孤單中堅強
[I put up a strong front whenever I'm wandering in loneliness]
每一次 就算很受傷也不閃淚光
[I don't blink tears when I feel hurt]
我知道 我一直有雙隱形的翅膀
[I know I always have a pair of invisible wings]
帶我飛 飛過絕望
[That will let me fly, that will let me fly over this feeling of hopelessness]

不去想 他們 擁有美麗的太陽
[I'm not going to think what beautiful suns they have]
我看見 每天的夕陽也會有變化
wo kan jian mei tian de xi yang ye hui you bianhua
[The evenings that I see change everyday]
我知道 我一直有雙隱形的翅膀
[I know I always have a pair of invisible wings]
帶我飛 給我希望
[That will let me fly, that will give me hope]

我終于 看到 所有夢想都開花
[I've finally seen that all my dreams have blossomed]
追逐的年輕歌聲多嘹亮
[The sounds of the young songs I'd chased have all become clear]
我終于 翱翔 用心凝望不害怕
[I've finally soared; I have heart and I've concentrated; I'm not scared]
哪里會有風就飛多遠吧
[I'll fly wherever the wind blows me]

隱形的翅膀 讓夢恒久比天長
[These invisible wings have made my dreams permanent (realities) that will exist longer than time]
留一個愿望讓自己 想象
[I'll leave myself a wish, so that I may imagine...]

Engineer --> Writer --> Teacher --> Anthropologist --> Kopitiam Taukeh

I'm an engineer who secretly imagines he's a writer but actually wants to be a teacher but at the same time considering being an anthropologist....as soon as he figures out what the heck anthropologist really do for a living. Human behaviour fascinates me. I think studying it would be interesting. And when I'm old (or freaking rich, whichever first), I'll just open a kopitiam by the corner somewhere, sell Chinese tea, cigarettes and spend my days annoying people by selling overpriced tissues instead of providing them free of charge.

Engineer --> Writer --> Teacher --> Anthropologist --> Kopitiam Taukeh


Sounds like a plan?

Doing Onto Others

More Free Music at MP3-Codes.com

Someone asked me yesterday why I bothered wishing someone well as they said their thank you and goodbyes.

It was a well known that this particular person was at times a rather shifty character, not always honest, didn't always have your interest at heart when dealing with our company. Personally, I never felt 100% comfortable with him either. He spoke too soon and too smoothly for my taste. I know the man had a business to run and profits need to be made, but I'd always get the feeling that he was trying to rip you off all the time. Anyway, things didn't go so well in his business and his company finally faced closure. (Maybe I wasn't the only one who had that suspicious feelings after all).

"What for you wish him well. He's a blood sucker" my colleague emailed me.


"You don’t wish him well, the lightning will come down and strike us leh. Upstairs is watching!" I replied.

I knew why I was still wishing this guy well despite my reservations about him, but I didn't quite know how to explain it to my colleague without sounding preachy. But I decided to quote scripture anyway, as uncomfortable as that made me feel.

Luke 6:27-36

But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.

Now, don't get me wrong k... I'm NOT a holy person. I'm not the sort of person who incessantly quote scripture what more to colleagues. Religion isn't something you discuss often in the workplace. But I do believe with all my heart that that's how you should treat others; in your actions, words and even your thoughts. To me, wishing him well isn't just saying 'all the best'.. but sincerely hoping that things turn out well for them, regardless of what happened in the past. It's not easy. It takes a lot to genuinely give someone your blessing when they have done a wrong against you. I have tried keeping an angry & vengeful heart. But it's like taking poison yourself and hoping the other person suffers. You're only killing yourself

I tell myself that if I were in their shoes, and I did a wrong against someone, I would hope that they would forgive me too. It's with that in mind that I readily give my well wishes and blessings to him. In a way, it's a selfish act. I bless because I want to be blessed. I forgive, because I want forgiveness. You don't demand it. You just give it, and hope that it will come back your way some day when you need it

I have been called lenient & soft for behaving this way before. In fact, they say I'm a royal sucker because I'm constantly allowing people to take advantage over me because of my ideals. They tell me that if I forgive to easily, people never learn their lesson. There's little place for ideals in this world. It's a jungle out there, so live by jungle rules or perish. Maybe these people have never felt the need for forgiveness and blessings in their own lives. But this sucker certainly does.

So all the best to you my friend. Here's to wishing you well. I meant it yesterday, today and all the tomorrows from here on. 

May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when its time to go home
May you always have plenty
The glass never empty
Know in your belly
You're never alone

May your tears come from laughing
You find friends worth having
As every year passes
They mean more than gold
May you win and stay humble
Smile more than grumble
And know when you stumble
You're never alone 

Lady Antebellum & Jim Brickman - Never alone