Waffles & Soul Mates.

Dear friend,

There’s so much I wish I could say. There’s so much I wish I could tell. There are in fact, so many things about me you don’t know; so many other thoughts I have that you never hear.

I’ve lived my life in such a guarded way. I instinctively shield certain information from certain people. Information I deem not suitable for ears and minds like yours. I hide these information, not because you are unworthy of such knowledge, but because I’m afraid. Afraid of what you’d think of me after.

It’s not just with you, but with practically everyone who knows me. EVERYONE. There is no one on the face of the earth who knows everything about me. There has always been something, some thought, some aspect of my life that different people don’t know about. Some people know this, but not that. Some people know that, but not this. Different people seem to end up knowing different things about me.

I realized at some point in my life that I was some sort of perpetually tormented / conflicted soul. A lot of contradicting feelings and thoughts flowed through me all the time. There are days when I have nothing but the purest and noblest of intentions, and there are days when my mind is so twisted, you’d be left with mouth wide open if I told you. And the thing is, both this noble, sweet, gentleman of a guy, and this other unknown devil, they are both me. It’s still me… just different shades of me that co-exist in the same mind. Many times, I fear that if I were to reveal and show all the shades of my personality to people, they would not be able to handle it. And mainly, I felt like it would just confuse them. Ambiguity was not something a lot of people neither knew how to handle nor could accept. In the eyes of people, someone was either good, or bad, had it together or messed up, confused or on a straight path. There was little space for in between. But the thing with me is, I often feel like I was all of the above… if that makes any sort of sense at all.

And so create these neat little partitions of information, like the squares on your waffles, to be shared with different groups of people. The church goers got this much, the family that much, friends this, and bloggers that. Everyone knew enough to know who I am and what I’m about, but only on one front, only on one level. It makes for a rather lonely existence; knowing that there isn’t a soul on this earth that knows you for what you are in its entirety. I think I did it not just to avoid confusion with people, but also to protect myself. There wasn’t one person who knew everything about me because if there was, that person would wield an unbelievable amount of power over me, because of what they knew. And I guess it’s instinctive for me to protect myself against that.

It’s been hard for me finding someone I thought had the capacity to accept all the different shades of my personality, the kindness not to misuse that knowledge and the heart to love me anyway. I guess that would be the closest I’d ever find to what people like calling a soul mate. Someone I could share everything with with no fear or repercussions or lash backs. Does such a person even exist?

But I also realized that people didn’t always need to know everything about me before loving me, and that was a source of comfort. I might never be fully understood, but at least I could still be loved. And yet I questioned even that. Did people love and like me only because I’ve managed to portray such an outstanding picture? Would you still think me so wonderful if you really knew it all? A question I’ve asked myself countless times; a question I’d rather remain unanswered than risk the relationships I have now. Because if I had to choose between the two, I think I’d rather be loved than be understood.

Sincerely,
Me