Confrontation : Will you comply?

"And what about medication? Who's going to be there to ensure you comply?"

"Your brother can give it to me in the mornings and in the evenings when he gets back."

"He won't be around all the time. Sometimes, he'll be out.. or away. There will be no one to give you the medicine... Then what?"

"I can take it on my own. I've been doing it for years."

(Will she? Will she have the discipline to take it even on her own? Can she be trusted? She's always been the type to take the medicine in ways she deems fit... yet there were time she took it on her own accord....)

"Do you remember what Dr. Ng said? He told me, and you that under no circumstances were you to live on your own unsupervised... I thought about it long and hard these 2 days, and I clearly remember him saying that.... and you know what? I think he is 100% right. I know you think you can take care of yourself, but I agree with the doctor."

(Truth be told, I've always admired the way she has held out over the last 10 years.. living on her own, no income, constantly struggling with schizophrenia and depression. It's a miracle that she's alive and well.. Even the doctor said that. In my heart, I feel like it has been God Himself that has been protecting her from harm. But her records speaks against her. She resisted medicine whenever was going into a relapse.....)

"I will take the medicine"

"Do you remember when we stayed in KD for about a year? We were living together, and you stayed at home, mind the house and cooked dinner, just like how you want it again now? Do you remember how we had to badger, beg, plea, scream, shout and threaten before you were even willing to swallow one tiny medicine? I had to crush your medicine, dilute it in water and force you to drink it all down. Then I'd make you stick out your tongue to make sure you didn't try to hide any to spit it out later?"

She nodded....

"There can be no repeat of that. Neither of us have the strength or the heart to go through that again. I can't go through that all again. If you are out from the home and live with us, you will have to take the medication when it is given to you. No questions, no bargaining, no delaying. No saying you'll take it later.. No asking for half... no complaining about side effects. If you even resist for one second.. you would have broken your promise. Do you think you can do that?"

Again, she just nods in acknowledgement

"And what happens if and when you go into a relapse? You never realize how nasty you can get... and none of us have the energy to deal with it. If you go into a relapse, you must agree that we can in our discretion admit you back into the home or the hospital to get you stabilized, no questions asked."

(She was always nastiest when she was in her relapse. In her normal state, she is always accommodating, cheerful and pleasant to be around. But in her relapses, she would turn into this self absorbed paranoid person. She'll talk for an hour straight without pausing to listen to a word you have to say, she'll show faces and talk behind your back, she'll have absolutely no regard to your feelings...... there was no way to talk OR reason with her when she was in this state. The worse part of it all is, after she was ok, she never seemed to realize or remember the things that we went through. While we would be licking our wounds, trying to recover from the emotional strain, she's act as if everything is just fine...or at least that's how it seemed)

"If I go into a relapse, you can put me back into the home until I'm better before taking me out again. But don't put me in the hospital.. I've already had many bad experiences with them.. I don't want to go back there anymore."

(I hated having to admit her into hospital too. It's costly, the care isn't as good, and every single hospitalization is an emotional episode of it's own. The problem isn't about choosing between a home or the hospital. The problem was she could never agree with us that she IS in a relapse. As far as she's concerned, she's never in a relapse... and when we tell her she is, she just says we're trying to be too smart, acting like doctors)

"I wasn't here to scold you ma.. I just wanted to see if you've thought about all this things. We've done this whole thing many times before... if we just go at it again, we are repeating our mistakes, and running in circles. Think about what I've said... I don't expect you to give me a reply on any of these things. Just think about it. We can talk about it more when we meet again on Sunday."

"OK. So you will come on Sunday? Are we going to Church?"

"Yes, I'll come on Sunday. Yes, I'll bring you to church. I'm sorry for not taking you for so long. I promise I will this time.. Come, let's go....."

**************************************************

As ill as she is, as bad as her schizophrenia is... there are some things about my mother I truly admire and envy. Her iron will and instinct to survive.. but more so.. her faith in God. I always remember that in her hardest time.. in her most anxious moment, she'd just phase out, and start chanting to herself "Jesus.. Jesus... Jesus...." I used to make fun of it... But no more. It has been her faithfulness and trust in God that has kept her safe....

When I read 2 Corinthians 4:7

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us."

I thought only of my mother. A frail and helpless woman, living on her own, with no support, and mentally ill... and yet, she beat the odds, she survived, and through it all, keeping her faith in God, believing that her needs would be taken care of.. and they were. She survived not by her own strength or will. She was the jar of clay, fragile and easily broken... but in her, was this all surpassing power that saw her through.. and that was the spirit of God..

In the same conversation above, she shared with me an amazing tale. Her own mother had a history of mental illness. She became a nurse (in University Hospital), and specialized in psychiatry because she wanted to help others who also had family who were ill, just like her. I know it's ironic that she would eventually fall ill.

But when she got married, she was worried, because the tendency to get mental illness is sometimes hereditary. Not that their children are doomed to be crazy too.. but they chances were higher than others if not properly addressed. She was fearful that her children might one day be mentally ill.. She considered not having children at all, and after talking to my father, friends and her church, she prayed to God for guidance... and according to her.. God spoke to her...

"How? You mean God told you "Don't worry your kids will not be cockoo?" I asked.

"Through prayer, and quiet time, and reading the bible...." she answered.

And suddenly I became speechless. If anyone deserved abundance of blessings and love in life.. it was her. She didn't deserve to have this fate in life.. not like this, not when she loved and trusted God with all her heart.

"I understood that as long as I was faithful to Him, my children will be protected and blessed. And you look at the two of you today, you are both fine... and very strong." she said.

I was blown away. Was this why I have been able to stay steadfast all these years? God made a promise to my mother, that as long as she was faithful, her children would be fine. And with that faith, she went ahead and had two sons.....

My God..........