Confrontation : Will you stay?

"Do you realize that there isn't much of a place for you to stay? You might have to sleep in the living room, or we have to convert the store into a room. Is that really what you want?"

"It's OK. I can sleep in the living room when no one's around and just sleep in the room at night."

"What about Pa? You do know he lives there right. Can you handle having him around? I don't think you can. We've tried it before. He will start asking you to make one coffee, then two, and you will make it... but keep silent. You'll be stressed out but you won't say a thing. Then when you finally can't take it anymore, you'll just leave. Or, you'll ask to stay with me.. and you won't be able to get along with so and so again, just like the last time.. and you'll leave again. Tell me I'm wrong.. tell me that's not what you'll do. I know you better than you think."

she just smiles

"I don't want us to be running in circles. We've tried this before... many times. It always starts out with such a simple and beautiful idea.. So simple and beautiful, even I would want it. You say you want to just stay with us, take care of the house, cook dinners, and spend time with us. It's such a lovely idea.... But somehow, it didn't work out didn't it, despite trying so many times? There are always other things that get in the way. You need to get social welfare money, you IC is registered up north, your friends are waiting for you, you can't stand the neighbourhood, prices here are too expensive, you've got nothing to do. There's always something...... something that will take you away"

she tried to counter what I says, she tells me that in each of the occasions, she had a valid reason. That there were things that prompted her to go. And even she cannot deny that in ALL those times, she did it.... on an IMPULSE.


"I cannot have that anymore. Remember when I snatched you off the streets last year in Jalan Hang Tuah. You were dark, dirty, unkept, unwashed, with nothing but some plastic bags full of random things, no money, no roof on your head, nothing but the cloths on your back.. I drove you straight to University Hospital Emergency ward remember? I kept you in the back seat.. I didn't tell you the child lock was on, because I was terrified that you would try to run once you knew where I was taking you. On that day, I swore to myself that I would do everything I can to keep you safe. I would never allow this thing to happen again... EVER. Even if it meant locking you up for your own good, even against yourself. I meant what I said ma....."

(6 months later, on the day I got a call from my brother telling me she was hospitalized after a hit and run with a lorry, I knew I had already failed at this promise.)


no reply.....


"If you want to stay with us again, if you even want me to consider it, for the love of God, you must swear to me, and give me your word that you will NEVER EVER GO OFF AGAIN... and you must keep your word. If I take you out, and God forbid you never come back alive again, whose hands will the blood be on ma.. Who? THE BLOOD WILL BE ON MY HANDS. BECAUSE I ALLOWED IT TO HAPPENED... Do you understand?"

"It cannot be all on me. I will do my best to keep busy and keep my mind off going away. It's when I think too much that I think these sort of things. You can't blame it all on me also. You have your part to play too... To try to accommodate me.."

"Of course. We will do all we can to make your stay bearable... that you can be at peace. But there can be no excuse or justification for taking off again. NONE. The commitment must come first... and you must honour that commitment like your life depended on it (it probably does). 'Best effort basis' is not acceptable. When 2 people get married, you don't stand in front of the altar, and in front of all your loved ones and say you'll go through thick and thin, better of worse, sickness and health... ON A BEST EFFORT BASIS..... You give a commitment for life, and you give it with every intention of keeping it. Yes, sometimes things STILL don't work out.. But that's God's plan, not ours. I expect nothing short of THAT level of commitment ma... Can you give me that? If you cannot, there is nothing more to say anymore."

More silence........


"OK. If I get the feeling that I want to go somewhere, I will talk to you and only go once the both of you are agreeable."

Finally, some sort of understanding......

"OK. Are you a person of your word ma? I know pa isn't. He's proven that before. But are you? What happens if you break your promise? What happens if you don't keep your word? What do I have to hold on to in case you default on this? It cannot be an empty promise with no ramification or consequences.."

again she keeps quite, her eyes just look at me and says "what is there for me to give"

"The truth is, there is nothing. Nothing I can hold you to against your word. What can I do, take away your money? Scold you? No.. there's nothing I can do. Even if you give me your word and you break it.... you won't be accountable. There is only one way ma... You MUST give me your word... and you MUST keep it.. That's the only way you will win and I will win."

she noddes her head.. more an understanding that a compliance to what I was asking.

to be continued...


Sigh.. if you only knew how it feels like, having a serial runaway mom. After the 3rd or 4th time.. I started to realize some things about my mother; She was always the compromising kind, always giving, patient, but when she set her mind and heart on something, her spirit was indomitable and she had a will of iron. It doesn't seem that way because on the surface, she would always be silent and gentle... but beneath it, I've seen the depths of her determination, and her unbreakable will. I sometimes feel that to some extent, I had inherited that silent, unwavering, stubborn trait of hers. It it how she had survived all these years. As long as she has this will to live as she pleases, there can be no underestimating her, despite appearances

Gates, doors, locks and alarms are not the things that are keep her from going off, not even now as she stays in the home. It is her will....If she wanted to, I'm 100% sure she could find a way to escape. But for now, she still has the will to stay... for a while... to accommodate us some time to take her out.

Regardless if she stays in the home or with us, she cannot be thinking of wanting to live on her own ever again. A plan that's so simple and decent... but essentially flawed.

I need her to change her mind.
I need to quell her fire.
I need...... to break her will.