The decision.. to propose...

It has been rough for the earlier few months..

After being a relationship for so many years... its so easy.. especially for me to feel complacent. Things were good the way they are.. If it's not broken why fix it right? I was happy... I was content.. Our relationship had been the cornerstones of my life these half decade.. The one constant source of love, joy, happiness and support through thick and thin.

What we called this relationship meant little to me.. A rose is still a rose by any other name.. What mattered was the connection, the commitment, the love.. And what we had was to me.. close to perfect... Maybe not a match made in heaven.... it's not without its hiccups and kinks.. but I felt with all my heart that it was good as it gets when it comes to love...

I knew she wanted more.. I knew unlike me.. what it was called mattered to her. She needed the assurance.. the need of a public declaration. She needed a firm commitment.. Not some intrinsic ideal about how love is love regardless of its name. She needed to know first hand...

Every relationship has it's thorns.. This was one of ours.. She wanted commitment. I wanted freedom. She wanted to firm it up. I wanted to keep it open. Everytime she brought it up I would evade, and we both would get frustrated. She at me for evading.. and me at her for constantly bringing it up.

Finally one day.. it came to breaking point. We talked on the phone while I was away. She could take it any longer. She felt we were stagnant. She couldn't understand what I was evading for. I honestly didn't understand either. There was no one else. My heart belonged to her. We fought again.. and we argue.. and she cried.. Not like usual.. but truly mourning and crying. Not out of anger, not out of spite, not out of sadness.. just out of pure frustration. I was angry.. I was confused, I was lost.

We hardly spoke for the next 3 days. She neither called nor replied to my text messages. It was OK. I had a lot of soul searching to do. I knew I loved this woman with all my heart. I knew she was the one I'd want to spend the rest of my life with. The past 7 years have flew by so fast only because she was there to share it with me. She was hot tempered, she was impatient, she was stubborn.. but she was loving, passionate, and she lighted up my days. Sometimes she's dead serious, sometimes she's playful as a cat, sometimes she's protective, sometimes she's tender and loving... other times, she's just plain funny. She made my life colourful. Without her, my life would be just shades of gray (I'm that bland). While I was reserved, serious and rational, she was outgoing, bubbly and intuitive... I always speak in a typical dry and matter of fact way, ... It comes across as dull and boring. She speaks in the most colourful and expressive ways.. full of sound effects and noises..

She's everything I'm not..

I knew in my heart... that I actually adored her for it..

She brought out the spontaneous, wacky, crazy, playful and mischievous sides of me which otherwise would most likely remain permanently buried deep in the layers of my personality.. If hearts could sing, mine would for her.... The best part is... I knew with every certainly that she felt the same way about me.. I knew she loved me with all her heart too.. She wouldn't still be around me if she thought otherwise... And here she was crying her heart out because of me, wondering why I found it so hard to do what came most naturally to her.. I felt like a fool. What WAS I waiting for? what WAS I holding out on? Nothing... Nothing at all... She's the only person who's eyes I've seen my future in. She's the only person I can imagine myself growing old with. She's the first person I wanted to see in the morning, and last one I wanted to kiss goodnight...

And that was when...

That's when I decided... that it was time to propose.