An Open Letter to God...

Dear God,

I did not always believe in you. There was once a time where I refused to acknowledge that there was such thing as an Almighty creator.

I could never see you, I could never touch you and I was never shown any physical proof that you do exist. People told me God was a presence you felt in your heart, not before your eyes. But I never felt you either. How could I believe? My mother sat me down when I was 6 years old and made me say a prayer with her inviting Jesus into my heart. She said I needed to do that if I wanted eternal life in heaven. I said the prayer, but didn't really know if Jesus has entered my heart, since I felt no different before or after that.

I had heard countless times that a true Christian is one that not only knows the Word of God, but also one who's life has been changed by God in a very real way. And it was this point that really convinced me that I was in fact not really a Christian. I just never had any sort of encounter with you, supernatural or otherwise. I had never been 'touched by the holy spirit', I had never been overwhelmed by the 'enveloping warmth of God's love' during worship, and I certainly did not wake up in the mornings thinking of you. The truth was, I feel completely detached from you.

I'd sometimes bump into regular church goers at nearby coffee shops. I always had the feeling that I did not belong in that righteous bunch. I was far from spiritual,and God knows... I mean, YOU know just how far from grace I really was. Living a righteous life is hard. and I knew in my heart that I could never measure up to that. And so I stayed away... because in my head, better an honest outcast than a 'holy' hypocrite. That, plus I haven't even figured out if you were real or not. Was the world really created in 7 days? Was Adam & Eve really the first? Is the rainbow really a sign of your promise to Noah? Is Jesus really the ONLY light and the way?

I knew that the church has fought fierce battles with proponents of science hundreds of years ago. Since the dawn of the science age, the awe and majesty you used to inspire seemed to slowly erode. People believed in the absoluteness of science, and what science cannot prove true, man cannot embrace as fact... and that included you. Science seemed to be the death of you. But I always suspected that if you did exist, you certainly had a sense of humour and irony. Because it wasn't scripture and all the preachings in church combined that made me first believe in your existence...... it was through science.

In mathematics, I learned about the golden ratio, phi that seemed to baffle mathematicians because it cropped up in everywhere and everything around us; from the design of leaves and branches, patterns on flowers, spirals of sea shells and even the ratio of our navel to our head. Everything had the number 1.618 embedded somewhere. Almost as if there was some grand practical joke being played on a cosmic level. In engineering, I learned that engineers used hexagons to construct things giving the most amount of space but least amount of material. Then I found out bees were already doing that since the beginning. Who thought them that? In biology, with all the controversy around cloning & genetic engineering, man still did not know how to create so much as a fly on his own. He knew how to culture yeast, create a physical clone & prolong life, but that's it. Just like the movie Frankenstein, all we know how to do today is still just getting all the required parts together, giving it an electric shock and see if it comes alive. That's how Dolly the sheep was created. Man still cannot give something the divine spark of life.

And so, after learning all these things, I just had to believe that this universe & this life isn't a random act. There was a Divine Architect at work..... and I guess that was you. To be very honest, that's the closest I've ever come to experiencing you. No alter call, no dramatic conversion, no life changing realizations... just a deep silent conviction that sun in the sky, the earth below my feet and this heart that beats was made by you.

It is with that conviction that I finally decided to pick up a bible again & attend church once more. Why the church? Why Christianity? (Don't strike me with lightning, but I'm a bit pissed off on this one. I don't know why you had to make this part so hard to figure out). Personally, I guess there was something about the Christian doctrine of love, sacrifice and forgiveness that resonated in me, that sounded like the ring of truth, that's why I believe. Maybe that doesn't sound very well grounded or logical, but sometimes, what is faith if not a blind leap? There are plenty of other Christian apologists who can give you more solid answers. But what if I'm wrong? What if your name turn out to be Allah, Buddha or Guru Nanak instead of Jesus Christ? I dunno..... I'm screwed I guess.... but I think that if I end up dying & going to hell due to my faith, at least I'll have also lived and loved because of it.


To be honest, I still don't see myself as the sort of God fearing, righteous, holy person... and I don't want to pretend to be one either. I'm still waiting for some sort of divine experience or personal revelation that's supposed to revolutionize my outlook on life and make me want to be one of those 'super holy' people. I don't know if that day will ever come. Many times, I think being righteous is no fun, being holy is restrictive, and being Christian is next to impossible. I'd tell you I'm not perfect, but you already know that. Maybe I still have a long way to go. Or maybe this is as far as I'll ever get when it comes to divine enlightenment.....but I know this:

I was once blind, but at least now, I see. At least now, I believe.

One of your tiny creations,
Me