How to Survive the World Cup (For Non Football Fans)

Offside - Defined by a forward player being nearer to the opponent’s goal post than the ball or the last defender of the opposing team. Technicalities aside, it basically means that a player is at some place he shouldn’t be on the pitch.

Why am I bringing this up? Well, because I’m sort of in an offside position too. I’m in a place I shouldn’t be…. smack in the middle of World Cup fever that is. See, unlike 90% of the rest of the male population, I don’t watch football. Neither am I a big fan of it. I know football, I know the rules, I know how it’s played, and I know most of the major teams and players, but I still don’t consider myself a football fan.

Like every other guy who isn’t really into football but still wants to be ‘one of the guys’ I support Manchester United. If you don’t have a clue about football but still want to appear like you are, just say you’re a Manchester United fan. There is an 80% chance the person you are talking to is also a Man Utd fan. If you want to seem a bit more sophisticated, say you’re a Liverpool, Real Madrid or Barcelona fan. Never say you’re a Chelsea fan unless you’re prepared to be hated instantly.

 If prompted about the state of local football, just say you don’t bother following because they aren’t nearly as good as they used to be back in the days when Mokhtar Dahari was playing. Don’t worry if you don’t know who Mokhtar Dahari is because mentioning his name makes people assume you know what you’re talking about, and those who don’t know are secretly as clueless as you but will be too embarrassed to ask.

Usually, not being a football fan isn’t too big a deal. But every four years once, for a month, this worldwide pandemic called World Cup Fever strikes. There is no escaping this. It’s like a zombie disease. Real zombies hunger for human flesh and once they bite you, you too become one of them. In the football version, all they do is talk about last night’s match… and once you’ve been infected, you too will go on talking about last night’s match to other innocent people

The only way to avoid being infected; blend in. Zombies will not bite you if they think you’re already one of the undead brethren. Same principle applies. You need to appear to be totally into the World Cup fever without actually sacrificing your soul to the undead. Here are some useful tips:

1.    Pick a team to ‘support’. All World Cup conversations inevitably lead to one question “Which team are you supporting?” Saying you don’t support any team is a dead giveaway (no pun intended).  All infected members will support at least one team. Don’t go for Brazil because everyone who doesn’t know anything about football picks Brazil as ‘their team’. Don’t go for any of the African countries either because everyone knows no one supports them except Africans. Don’t go for North Korea too, because Kim Jong Ill is an evil man and wants to start World War 3. And definitely do not support the USA, because that just makes you look stupid. Your safest best will be one of the European teams, except for Greece who are essentially bankrupt (I suspect their players are being paid in barrels of olive oil).

2.    Keep track of the results. You don’t have to watch the match. Just read what the paper said, read facebook updates and overhear what the folks in coffee shops are saying…. And echo that the next time someone asks you about last night’s match. Either show glee that that one team won, our curse that other lost. You don’t really have to pay close attention to any of the matches until at least the quarter finals where the tournament really heats up. If you’re not sure what do say, just ask them what they think and add in general phrases like “Ya, you’re right! Unbelievable! Who would have expected that right? Well, I think they might still have a chance.” That way, you get fully involved in the conversation without actually having to say anything.

3.    Get your facts right. You don’t have to act like you know everything. But in order to pass off as one of the undead, you will need to know some basic facts. There are 11 people in a team. Only the goalkeepers is allowed to use his hands (unless your name is Maradonna or Thierry Henry). The games are in South Africa this time. There are 32 teams. This year North and South Korea are in. Holland is in. China is NOT in. When England plays, don’t ask where David Beckham is. He’s NOT in. The official song for the world cup is Waka Waka (This Time for Africa) performed by Shakira. There’s even a dance to it, but you’re not expected (nor encouraged) to do it. You don’t have to memorize the tune, because no one remembers any World Cup song except the one sang by Ricky Martin back in ’98.

4.    Stay up late and act tired the whole day in work. It helps if you have zombie eye bags. It gives people the impression that you stayed up last night watching the match even though you were really just surfing Facebook and watching videos on Youtube. Of course, don’t forget to do #2 before going to work. Pay special attention if you hear extra loud shouts from your neighbours or nearby coffee shop… it means there was a particularly interesting match that you must pretend to know about.

5.    Offense, the best defense. If you failed to do No.2, you could also take this gamble. Ask if they saw last night’s match. If they say no, you can say no too. End of conversation. If they say yes, then ask for a brief summary of the game. (Try to) listen and ask who that team is up against next ask if they think the team is going to go any further in the tournament. This pre-emptive strike will imply to others that you are already part of the Infected crowd, hence taking the pressure off you.

If all else fails,just tell them the truth. Tell them you’re more of a rugby fan. Football fans would usually be too taken aback by this to say anything. First of all, rugby is an infinitely more manly game. Rugby makes football look like a game girl scouts play during camp. Rugby players are built like war tanks and make footballers like Christiano Ronaldo look like little school boys. Secondly, most people in this part of the world don’t know much about rugby. You could say you’re a supporter of the Brisbane Buckaroos or the Wellington Wallabies or something like that and no one would be the wiser. If you manage to pull this off, you will be left alone for the rest of the world cup.

Just remember that you will have to suddenly develop amnesia when the Rugby World Cup (yes, they have one of those too) starts in New Zealand next year.

Good luck!