Where the curiosity stops, the reading ends.

If you've ever started a blog before in your life, you'll know that all bloggers, ALL.. with NO exceptions have wondered at some point in their lives who's actually reading their blogs. I know it's a rather self centered, self absorbed kind of thought... but it’s unavoidable. Everyone word spoken longs to be heard. Similarly, every word typed longs to be read, whether or not the author thinks he’s ready for it to be read is a different matter.

I'm saying all this now because I found on my twitter account (look under random thoughts) that 68 tweets later, I now a grand total of 3 followers. Of course I am well aware that in the tweeting world, this is as pathetic a number as it gets. I checked, and Britney Speaks as 5.14 million followers, Lady Gaga has 4.5million followers and the oldest twitterer in the world, Ivy Bean has about fifty four thousand followers. I have 3.

But considering that this blog (as well as my tweet) is completely anonymous, has zero links to anywhere else on the World Wide Web and is virtually unknown to everyone around me, I’m not being too hard on myself. I consider anything more than 10 hits a day as nothing short of phenomenal. (No, I’m not being modest here) What’s worse would be to shamelessly promote my blog to everyone around me and still find only about 3 readers.

Now, I may just be an amateur blogger with hardly any readers, but believe it or not, I have actually been blogging for 6 years now. In those six years, I have written 637 post which averages to roughly one post every four days. I honestly say I got a real kick out of calculating that…. If only for my self-entertainment.

I think there used to be some person in India who read my old blog but has since disappeared; a certain Malaysian lady (named Cat) living in the US is a regular; I know a certain person sitting in Melbourne reads this (yes, YOU Miss Reads-But-Never-Speaks…lol); another person living in France drops by once in a while (Is that Madame or Monsieur?); There’s a certain POD from Singapore (whose acronym I’m still trying to figure out)..….. and maybe one or two living in Malaysia., I can’t really be sure.

Here are some interesting facts you may not have known - I have come to know and met 3 complete strangers from blogging. All of which I’m glad to say didn’t turn out to be creepy stalkers or murderers… but genuinely nice people… a few of which I have ended up becoming genuine friends with (though I still have a hard time explaining to people how we met). I received an email once from someone in Canada, asking for my opinion on what to do about a certain life crisis she was going through – her soldier boyfriend had died in the war in Afghanistan and she was falling in love with another guy who lost his partner in the war too at about the same time. She wasn’t sure if they were truly falling in love, or was he just looking to fill the emotional void. I didn’t really feel qualified to give out advice especially when I don’t know the whole tale, but replied anyway… trying my best to empathize. I didn’t hear from her since. I wonder how things are now.

I’ve come to accept that most (if not all) readers come and go.

Those who have bothered to stay and read say I talk a lot of sense. Others have said they enjoy my frankness or the way I write. But I also know that some people find my posts too wordy. I have since tried to be a bit more concise, but remind myself that with this blog at least, the freedom to express whatever, however in as many words as needed took precedence over the urge to trim it down to something more palatable for people not willing to read more than 500 words per post. People want everything instant, compact and to the point. If you haven’t got to you point after two mouse scrolls, you’re taking too long. We want instant gratification. We want this condensed version of things.

But everyone has their own style of writing…. And 6 years and 600 over post later, I’ve discovered – so do I. And true to my personality in real life, I take my time in writing. And I take my time in making a point. This ain’t a ‘fast food’ blog. It’s a full course meal.. meant to be taken slowly and unhurriedly. And you eat whatever’s the special of the day, sometimes it’s a serving of God and religion, some days it’s platter of insight and love… and other days it’s a smorgasbord of everything. And as with all slow cooked food, how good it is depends a lot on the mood of the chef. Some days he makes delicious and witty remarks, and other days he makes silly analogies likening blogs to restaurant food.

So actually, I make no apologies to people who have found my blog too wordy. Perhaps they told me so in order for me to improve... to be a better writer. And I appreciate that. In all aspects of life, we should and must, always and only, move forward. But so far, I’m happy with what I am. Words are meant to express. And I think I express myself pretty clearly. They might say people don’t have the patience to read so many words. But that’s OK for me. Those who think it’s worth their time will take the time. I have no delusions of grandeur, no lofty dreams nor any craving for open recognition for the things I write. I don’t kid myself into thinking I should and can be a writer – plenty of others are more qualified.

It all boils down to what this is. It all boils down to the reason this blog exist (which I’ve already mentioned before). This blog is a personal piece of writing. Personal not in the sense of sharing all the details of my life – what I do, where I live, how I look like, political opinions etc…those sorts of blogs are a dime a dozen written by authors who somehow believe their lives are more interesting and more worth telling than others. But personal in the sense that it is here that I regularly deposit excerpts of my mind.. and along with it, a piece of my heart.

You will find this blog worth reading, only if you find me worth knowing. Because that is what will happen if you continue reading – knowing more and more of me even though I remain a complete stranger. Unless you do have a personal interest in getting to know me and what I have to say, there really is very little reason why anyone would continue reading once they’ve discovered all they want to know about me……. or they’ve simply had enough of me. Where the curiosity stops, the reading ends. And it is not my job, nor my intention to deliberately write in such a way as to keep your curiosity or interest in this alive. That'd be tantamount to selling out.... (I think I'm a bit of a purist in that sense)

I do not pretend to be someone worth knowing. I don’t know what kind of impression I give people. In my life, some have been happy to know me. Others are indifferent and don’t really think anything about me at all. I have been a blessing to a few, but also a mistake to others. My presence has been an encouragement to some, but also a stumbling block to others. I have been the knight in shining armour to one, but also the dark cloud of temptation to another. I have tended lovingly to wounds that eventually heal, but also been the one to rip hearts apart. I have moments of brilliance and moments of weakness. I have righteous convictions but also lustful thoughts. I have a giving heart, but also selfish desires. In short, I am just like everybody else….. or at least, anybody who has all the above too. :-P

If you think that’s worth your while… well…. Happy reading.. and cheers to you my friend.

:-)

P/S: Having said all that, some days I do read back on the things I write and find it more than just a bit too melodramatic even for my own taste.. I'll usually go "WHAT THE HELL??!!!"