They say the truth will set you free.......

When I was young I knew everything
and she a punk who rarely ever took advice
now i'm guilt stricken, sobbing with my head on the floor
stop a baby's breath and a shoe full of rice

I can't be held responsible
cause she was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
she fell in love in the first place

For the life of me I cannot remember
what made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
for the life of me I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
we were merely freshmen

My best friend took a week's vacation to forget her
his girl took a week's worth of valium and slept
now he's guilt stricken sobbing with his head on the floor
thinks about her now and how he never really wept he says

We've tried to wash our hands of all of this
we never talk of our lacking relationships
and how we're guilt stricken sobbing with our heads on the floor
we fell through the ice when we tried not to slip, we'd say

I can't be held responsible
cause she was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
she fell in love in the first place

The Verve - Freshmen

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Have you ever done things in your life you can't even bring yourself to talk about?

I have.

I have done things in my life that I continue to be too ashamed to think, talk or even write about. They remain so closely guarded deep within the recesses of my heart, hidden from everyone around me. I don't know why I do this... keeping secrets to myself.

A deep sense of shame and guilt prevents me from opening up to anyone because I think I'm confused. I have never permitted myself to think about it or talk to anyone, because I'm not quite sure what to say or think. Part of me feels like I have been able to move on... to break free from the mistakes I have made and get on with life.... Mistakes are mistakes... you aren't supposed to go about your life carrying a permanent guilt on your shoulders right? I have then been trying to make up for it, I have.... But the other part of me feels guilty about it... about actually being ABLE to move on after doing something like that. At some level, it feels like I'm still trying to punish myself. I don't feel miserable about it anymore.... but feel like I should. One half of me is ready to move on, the other feels like I haven't atoned for my sins. Do you understand how that is? I SHOULD feel guilty, I SHOULD feel miserable, I SHOULD be stuck in a deep dark hole, not moving on bashing myself up and thinking the worse about myself...... because it might ease my sense of guilt if I was still mourning.

I know it's something I need to talk about. I know one day, I need to find someone I can put in front of me, and allow me to talk, not write, not blog.... but talk.. physically let it out...... to openly let out the guilt and shame I feel inside, the feelings and emotions I went through, sitting in the dark in the middle of the night, wondering how I every got myself in such a mess.. hating myself for being so stupid for allowing this to happen, and mostly, for being a coward. Yes, a coward. I needed a kind ear to listen, a shoulder to cry.. but mostly, someone to hug and tell me that it's ok.. and that everything will turn out fine.

But there was no one.. No one I could talk to, no one I trusted, and no one I thought will not judge... the incident was still too new anyway, and the feelings too raw, for me to be able to do talk about without breaking down. And so, I managed without.... hiding this need from my own self.

It has been so many years now.. I think I now need closure.

It's amazing that after so many years, I still haven't found someone to talk to about it. Countless times, I have stared in front of the blank screen, contemplating letting it all out, and writing about it in my blog.. confessing. But I couldn't even bring myself to write about it. Countless times, I have sat in front of friends, having the most intimate of conversations, the words just at the tip of my tongue, yet they never came out. The fear of what they think of me after is too much to take. Then I think it's better to just talk to strangers, to people who hardly know you.. then there'd be no judgment, no repercussions. But strangers hardly care, what more understand. You don't pluck a stranger out of the streets and start blurting out your life story.

They say the truth will set you free.......

I feel caged... caged by my own unwillingness to share, caged by my unwillingness to be vulnerable to others, caged by my own unwillingness to admit the things I have done.

And that is why, this song speaks more to me that you will know.