Today,
Something different emerged in my heart. My thoughts lingered to you once again, but this time it was different. This time, I knew this feeling wasn't a fleeting one. This time, I knew this few feelings will always be true. In my heart, I whispered a prayer for you; that happiness silently descend on you, your resolutions remain steadfast, your strength renewed perpetually, your wounds heal quickly,your hope everlasting, your faith unwavering and that love nourishes and grows in you. But above all that, I prayed that you would find peace in your sometimes turbulent heart.
It is said that the prayer of a righteous man availeth much, but a righteous man I am not. So I prayed that at least let THIS particular prayer from this unrighteous man be heard. Let this prayer availeth.
And with that, I suddenly knew it was time for me to gracefully bow out, once and for all.
Thank you and goodbye.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
A Mile with Sorrow
I walked a mile with Pleasure,
She chattered all the way;
But left me none the wiser,
For all she had to say.
I walked a mile with Sorrow
And ne'er a word said she;
But, oh, the things I learned from her
When Sorrow walked with me!
Robert Browning Hamilton
She chattered all the way;
But left me none the wiser,
For all she had to say.
I walked a mile with Sorrow
And ne'er a word said she;
But, oh, the things I learned from her
When Sorrow walked with me!
Robert Browning Hamilton
Dear Friend,
Some people born with a silver spoon in their mouth. The rest are born naked, wet, cold and hungry - then it gets worse. Some people lead simple uncomplicated lives. Some lead such difficult and hard lives – death seems almost like a welcomed relief.
Many ask why.
On a cosmic level, we look up to the sky in frustration and ask why God there is suffering in this world. Why would a perfect God create an imperfect world? Why allow suffering? They say the world suffers as a whole becomes it is decaying. You and I suffer not strictly because we ‘did something wrong’ but because we live in a flawed and decaying world. It’s decaying because mankind sinned. Mankind sinned because he has free will to choose right from the wrong. He had free will because God granted it to him. But why grant free will to man fully knowing that we will choose poorly? Why not just make everyone and everything love God by default? Because God wanted us to love him not because we were programmed to, but because we choose to. Search your heart. Don’t you want people to love you at their own free will?
But I know… that’s like on this whole other cosmic level of things. It feels so…‘out there’ and little to do with our personal lives.
When we suffer, we don’t think about original sin, or God’s eternal timeless plan. We don’t want to know why mankind is suffering. I want to know why I’M suffering, and what the hell I’m supposed be doing with it and HOW.”
People come up with all sorts of theories.
The guilt trip; you did a big boo boo in life, and now it’s payback time.
The burning champion; God’s making you a ‘contoh’ (example) to other people so that they can see how ‘well’ you are coping because of your religion / belief, or how you should stay the hell away from doing bad things or else they’ll end up like you.
The school lesson; God’s trying to teach you something in life so, sit up, stop whining and pay attention because class is in session!
Each one makes some sort of sense. So which one is it? What’s the reason I’m suffering? Honestly, I don’t really know. All of these reasons are actually flawed for one reason or another. God isn’t necessarily punishing you, trying to make an example out of you or teach you something. As hard as it sounds, there isn’t always a specific reason you can attribute to it. But you know what? It doesn’t matter. We get so caught up with why it’s there that completely miss what it does to us. Suffering is no fun. It often brings out the worst in people; you see the selfish, greedy, uncaring part of people. But it also brings out the best in us.
It’s under the most difficult circumstances that the most extraordinary things happen often to ordinary people. Their names aren’t in history books; their words aren’t quoted and used on posters. They live among you and me – the unsung heroes of life struggling to make ends meet, nursing a dying family member, surviving a chronic illness, living in a broken home, grieving the death of a loved one, and dealing with the breakup of a long relationship or even as simple as making the same mistake over and over again. No one knows the things they go through, let alone imagine they can rise above it all.. but rise up they do…… and face the world, full of fear in their eyes, but also full of courage in their heart.
I know it is clichéd, but suffering does make you stronger. You find yourself braving weathers you never thought you’d see, surviving episodes you thought were really the end of you. You emerge hurt, battered and scarred, but stronger. Please believe that. If you think suffering is a hindrance to your happiness, realize that happiness is gained not by going around suffering, but through it.
But there’s bad news dear friend.
Even with the best of us, there comes a point in your life, where we cannot do it on our own. You find yourself at the end of your wits; the courage long gone, the strength depleted. And all you can do is cry out for help. Family will always be there, and friends are there to support you, but there's only so much they can do. They cannot be in your conscience as you battle the demons resting inside. They cannot take away the feeling of your aching heart. You look left, right, front and back and find nothing….. and then you remember to look up. Then you remember to look to God.
People that put too much faith & confidence in their own abilities & the that of man ultimately set themselves up for failure & disappointment. As great as we are, we still are only human. We all have a limits - and it is perfectly possible (and likely) that you find yourself at your wits end one day. You see, suffering brings you to your knees and pray out to God. Because something intrinsic in all of us knows that ultimately, it’s God that sees us through life. The one that feeds the sparrow. The one that stands by you and me. And when you believe that there is a greater force that shapes & molds all things, you are filled with hope.
But hope isn't exclusively the belief that things will will be OK and all the problems would have gone. It may not, and you might find yourself with yet another mountain to climb after just having scaled one before. But rather, hope is about believing that come what may, you will pull through. You will feel the anger, frustration and tears rolling down your cheek... but you will pull through.. and you emerge stronger than before. You will learn perseverance, courage & resilience. But also, humility, compassion & the meaning of forgiveness. And at the end of it all, you look back in hindsight and see how everything including the suffering had meaning, and made sense - though it seemed the total opposite at the time.
If there is any good that can come from pain, suffering and hardship, it is the first the discovery of yourself and ultimately the discovery of God.
So stay strong, keep hope. It's OK if you falter - we all do. But do it will the full knowledge that you will and can get up again, and you never have to do it alone.
Love
Me
Friday, April 23, 2010
WTF is Up with All These Rules?
I swore I would stop my Singapore bashing rants and give the place half a chance to grow on me. But I just got to say - the place just drives me nuts sometimes.
I thought it was just a joke when people talked about Singapore and its myriad of rules and regulations and red tape. But 2 months since spending almost all my time in this little republic, I'm starting to see it ain't that much of a laughing matter after all.
Take driving for instance. I was trying to turn right at a junction, but saw a small yellow sign JUST BEFORE the turning that said something like "Right turning allowed, but only from 7pm to 6.00am and on weekends except on public holidays.." or something like that. Between driving up to the sign and deciding if I'm taking a turn, I need to check the time, the day or and if it's a public holiday. WTF?
I park my car at a public car park, and it's either cash card or coupon system. But the coupons only go up to 1 dollar, which last an hour. So, if I want to park for the whole day, from 9.00 to 6.00, I need to manuall punch NINE coupons.. with the correct year, date and time.. and neatly display them in my window. One wrong punch, and your coupon is screwed. Night parking is free in some places, chargeable in others, and not allow at others. Some places, it’s free only on weekends and after 8.00pm. And you MUST use the 2 dollar night parking coupons. And the 2 dollar coupons can't be used in the day time. WTF?
I try getting registered with the HDB as an official tenant (since it’s a HDB rule that all tenants are supposed to be registered else the owner goes to jail), and hit a snag. HDB rules asked for a minimum of 6 months valid work permit to quality, but the MOM (Ministry of Manpower) says my nature of work qualifies under a Work Permit Exempt Pass, issued on a 2 month basis and extendable upon request. HDB establishes that I am indeed working and staying in the country legally, but I aren’t allow to stay in the HDB because of this rule. But I CAN stay as a guest. And if HDB finds any illegal immigrants staying in the flats, the illegals get deported, and the house owner pays a fine and goes to jail – for not practicing due diligence. To make things easier, I could I stay in a condominium since Condo’s aren’t under the HDB but are consider private management. I try staying at the Condo and they tell me that visitors aren’t allow to park overnight more than 3 nights in a row in a week. WHY? What do you mean WHY? That’s the rules! WTF?
I go for a safety training, and they lay out all the rules of the land. Fines for this, fines for that. Jail for this, jail for that. Robbing someone’s house and it’s a 3 year jail sentence. But do it in the day time, it’s only 2. If your boss asks you to work on a weekend, you should be paid double. But if you requested it, you get paid normal wage. But you aren’t allowed to exceed certain number of hours a month, else everyone goes to jail. Then they show you a bunch of foreign workers playing football, telling you Singapore is a wonderful place to work and earn your money, just don’t break any of the laws. I went to university, and even I can’t remember all of them. How are simple labourers going to remember so many wordy legistation? WTF?
If you’re drive Singaporean car, you have to fill your tank at least ¾ full before leaving the country into Malaysia. If you’re re-entering Singapore, you aren’t allow to fill in more than 20 litres of petrol before entering the country. If you’re a Malaysian car, you pay 20 dollars flat every day and 5 dollars apply if you pass through any ERP Gantry points. But if your car stays more than 14 days in a row, there is a small fee / fine or some sort you need to pay. Singaporean PR’s aren’t allowed to drive Malaysian registered cars, even if he is a Malaysian, with a Malaysian driving license. WTF?
I try buying mobile broadband for a colleague. And find out that for Employment pass holders, all you need is your passport and copy of your work pass. But if you’re a work permit holder, you will require to give a 200 dollar deposit, 3 months bank account statement, proof of mailing address, copy of work permit and copy of passport. If you want to buy the Pre-paid package, it’s only sold in selected outlets, which you can find online. I haven’t found out if there are any other requirements to buy pre-paid broadbands. WTF?
It’s not hard to understand why so many Singaporeans want to leave the country. It’s a freaking birdcage with lots and lots of rules.
I thought it was just a joke when people talked about Singapore and its myriad of rules and regulations and red tape. But 2 months since spending almost all my time in this little republic, I'm starting to see it ain't that much of a laughing matter after all.
Take driving for instance. I was trying to turn right at a junction, but saw a small yellow sign JUST BEFORE the turning that said something like "Right turning allowed, but only from 7pm to 6.00am and on weekends except on public holidays.." or something like that. Between driving up to the sign and deciding if I'm taking a turn, I need to check the time, the day or and if it's a public holiday. WTF?
I park my car at a public car park, and it's either cash card or coupon system. But the coupons only go up to 1 dollar, which last an hour. So, if I want to park for the whole day, from 9.00 to 6.00, I need to manuall punch NINE coupons.. with the correct year, date and time.. and neatly display them in my window. One wrong punch, and your coupon is screwed. Night parking is free in some places, chargeable in others, and not allow at others. Some places, it’s free only on weekends and after 8.00pm. And you MUST use the 2 dollar night parking coupons. And the 2 dollar coupons can't be used in the day time. WTF?
I try getting registered with the HDB as an official tenant (since it’s a HDB rule that all tenants are supposed to be registered else the owner goes to jail), and hit a snag. HDB rules asked for a minimum of 6 months valid work permit to quality, but the MOM (Ministry of Manpower) says my nature of work qualifies under a Work Permit Exempt Pass, issued on a 2 month basis and extendable upon request. HDB establishes that I am indeed working and staying in the country legally, but I aren’t allow to stay in the HDB because of this rule. But I CAN stay as a guest. And if HDB finds any illegal immigrants staying in the flats, the illegals get deported, and the house owner pays a fine and goes to jail – for not practicing due diligence. To make things easier, I could I stay in a condominium since Condo’s aren’t under the HDB but are consider private management. I try staying at the Condo and they tell me that visitors aren’t allow to park overnight more than 3 nights in a row in a week. WHY? What do you mean WHY? That’s the rules! WTF?
I go for a safety training, and they lay out all the rules of the land. Fines for this, fines for that. Jail for this, jail for that. Robbing someone’s house and it’s a 3 year jail sentence. But do it in the day time, it’s only 2. If your boss asks you to work on a weekend, you should be paid double. But if you requested it, you get paid normal wage. But you aren’t allowed to exceed certain number of hours a month, else everyone goes to jail. Then they show you a bunch of foreign workers playing football, telling you Singapore is a wonderful place to work and earn your money, just don’t break any of the laws. I went to university, and even I can’t remember all of them. How are simple labourers going to remember so many wordy legistation? WTF?
If you’re drive Singaporean car, you have to fill your tank at least ¾ full before leaving the country into Malaysia. If you’re re-entering Singapore, you aren’t allow to fill in more than 20 litres of petrol before entering the country. If you’re a Malaysian car, you pay 20 dollars flat every day and 5 dollars apply if you pass through any ERP Gantry points. But if your car stays more than 14 days in a row, there is a small fee / fine or some sort you need to pay. Singaporean PR’s aren’t allowed to drive Malaysian registered cars, even if he is a Malaysian, with a Malaysian driving license. WTF?
I try buying mobile broadband for a colleague. And find out that for Employment pass holders, all you need is your passport and copy of your work pass. But if you’re a work permit holder, you will require to give a 200 dollar deposit, 3 months bank account statement, proof of mailing address, copy of work permit and copy of passport. If you want to buy the Pre-paid package, it’s only sold in selected outlets, which you can find online. I haven’t found out if there are any other requirements to buy pre-paid broadbands. WTF?
It’s not hard to understand why so many Singaporeans want to leave the country. It’s a freaking birdcage with lots and lots of rules.
Dear Annie
Today my heart goes out to a friend named Annie.
As I type this, Annie is laying in bed in a hospital. She's weak, drowsy and groggy, because the doctors have had to put her on a lot of steroids and pain killers. Her surgery involved removing a growth that developed under her skull just near her eyes. The growth is pushing against some of her nerves, and as a result, she is partially blind now - temporarily we hope. This is her her 4th major surgery involving her sinus for as long as I've known her, and I've known her only a few years. She's asthmatic, allergic to half a dozen items, and has been in and out of hospital since she was 12 I think.
The thing about Annie is - she's one of the most dedicated & selfless person I've ever met. She genuinely cares about other people, to the point of neglecting herself. She makes the effort to meet up, ask how you are, and most importantly - listen. You can tell she isn't there trying to win your heart, she's just there to care. She gets herself actively involved in church - sings, plays the piano, leads cell groups, organize mission trips, and in her spare time, organize the church library.
In many ways, Annie is one of those very few people in this world that I know has a heart of gold - pure and selfless. It is kind of ironic (and cruel) that she a person so strong in spirit, would be so weak in body. If you talk about deserving, she certainly is the last person that deserves to suffer. And yet she suffers the most. The question of why all this is happening, I will leave for another post (it's been left half written for weeks now), but I have come to embrace the fact that if there is any good that can come from pain, suffering and hardship, it is first the discovery of one's self, then ultimately the discovery of God.
That's not to say we should WANT Annie to suffer. It is in the nature of all of us to try and reduce suffering where possible. And when not, we pray for the strength to persevere and a hope to cling on to. God bless you Annie...
As I type this, Annie is laying in bed in a hospital. She's weak, drowsy and groggy, because the doctors have had to put her on a lot of steroids and pain killers. Her surgery involved removing a growth that developed under her skull just near her eyes. The growth is pushing against some of her nerves, and as a result, she is partially blind now - temporarily we hope. This is her her 4th major surgery involving her sinus for as long as I've known her, and I've known her only a few years. She's asthmatic, allergic to half a dozen items, and has been in and out of hospital since she was 12 I think.
The thing about Annie is - she's one of the most dedicated & selfless person I've ever met. She genuinely cares about other people, to the point of neglecting herself. She makes the effort to meet up, ask how you are, and most importantly - listen. You can tell she isn't there trying to win your heart, she's just there to care. She gets herself actively involved in church - sings, plays the piano, leads cell groups, organize mission trips, and in her spare time, organize the church library.
In many ways, Annie is one of those very few people in this world that I know has a heart of gold - pure and selfless. It is kind of ironic (and cruel) that she a person so strong in spirit, would be so weak in body. If you talk about deserving, she certainly is the last person that deserves to suffer. And yet she suffers the most. The question of why all this is happening, I will leave for another post (it's been left half written for weeks now), but I have come to embrace the fact that if there is any good that can come from pain, suffering and hardship, it is first the discovery of one's self, then ultimately the discovery of God.
That's not to say we should WANT Annie to suffer. It is in the nature of all of us to try and reduce suffering where possible. And when not, we pray for the strength to persevere and a hope to cling on to. God bless you Annie...
Suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. -Romans 5:3-5
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Paranoid People of Malaysia
I just stumbled across
This pig headed rant
And I didn't know if I was supposed to laugh or cry. Coming from a 34 year old Malaysian who is supposed to be a Deputy Youth Chief of UMNO in the the small town of Maran, Pahang, this was unbelievable. I was tempted to give this guy a piece of my mind. Words like pig head & retard came to mind, but I saw that plenty of people had already unleashed vicious verbal attacks on this mentally challenged chap.
But I can't help but wonder how many of these retards are there out there anyway? Scroll down his blog, and you'll see that there are some who actually agree and condone such thinking. They seem to have the paranoid impression that:
#1 - Their Bumiputra rights (which they deserve by default) are being subversively stolen
Bumiputra special rights are a sensitive topic among Malaysians. The non-bumi generation of today often just ask a simple question "If we are all Malaysians, if we are all equal, why do we not all get the same rights and privileges?" Why is university placement harder for Ah Chong? Why does Muthusamy have to buy a house at a higher price? Why is Robert obligated to rope Ali in before he can do business with the government? There aren't questions meant to challenge the establishment or cause disharmony - but genuinely innocent questions from a generation of young people who was born & bred here, who call this country home, who proudly call themselves Malaysians too. We didn't grow up in China / India, we don't have relatives there, and we certainly don't have any loyalty towards those countries. We are Malaysians, and we just wonder how come some Malaysians are born more equal than others. Pardon me sir, but you can hardly call that ‘talking shit’.
I have a vague idea why the bumi special rights were placed there in the first place. I actually stayed awake during Sejarah period in school. But I think many of us did fall asleep during those critical chapters about the New Economic Policy (NEP) and what have you. The NEP was put in place TO COMBAT POVERTY. And as it turned out at the time, it was the Malays i.e. Bumiputra who needed the most help. Levels of education was poor, involvement in business was next to none, and they had no capital to start businesses or buy their own houses. And so the government started these initiatives to help the Bumiputra get a foothold. But the underlying intentions were always economic in nature, not racial. This may sound radical, but Bumiputra rights aren't really real. What's real is the rights of poor people to make a better living for themselves. A balanced country was one that had it's wealth well distributed amongst all its people, regardless of race. Everyone should realize this. Look at the system and ask yourself are these really Bumiputra 'privileges' or Bumiputra 'assistance'? Will you have the same sense of entitlement if you realize that it’s not the former but the latter? These rights aren't there because of the colour of your skin, but because of the plight of your people. What's really written on that badge you insist on wearing so proudly? "Special" or "Needy"?
#2 - That Non-Bumi's want to hog all money & wealth in the country.
As for money, I just have 2 words for you – cari makan. That’s what every one of us is doing. We’re just looking to earn a living. Contrary to popular believe, not every Chinese family is rich, not all of us have fathers doing million dollar businesses and we don’t have large properties to inherit. Just like you, I survive paycheck to paycheck and I am making a living on my own, with zero assistance from anyone. But no doubt, there are people out there to whom no amount of money is ever enough – greedy people who are really trying to get their hands on more money than they will never need. But since when does greed distinguish people by the colour of their skin? There are greedy hoarders across the board. To say that non bumi’s are trying to snatch away your money is out of baseless fear. If it seems as if we’re more money minded than most, please stop to think that maybe it’s because we’re trying to make ends me under ever slightly more difficult circumstances than you; Government scholarships are hard for us to get, university placements still follow racial quotas and we find ourselves having to pay to go to private universities / colleges which goes into the hundreds of thousands; houses are more costly for us because of the different interest rates for non bumi’s. And we aren’t allowed to buy units that are already allocated / designated as ‘bumi’ units. And since most of us need to say near where we work, we all have to competed amongst each other for the few non bumi houses available, which just makes the house price go up even more! ; Financial assistance / loans are harder to get when you’re a non bumi, so we try to save up our own money to do business. We could search for a bumi partner to do business with, but they usually aren’t interested, and have no capital to contribute anyway – hence the ‘sleeping partner’ syndrome. I’ll put all the money, sweat and tears; you just put your name. If I fail at it, I lose all my money, you lose nothing. But if I succeed, and earn a good living, please don’t turn around and tell me I’m trying to steal wealth the country’s wealth! I was just trying to cari makan - don't blame me if I did it well with my own efforts.
#3 - That Non-Bumi's want to topple the current government and rule.
Everything seems to be tied to money and power these days. And there is this under siege mentally that non bumi are trying to gain more foothold in the government. We want a bigger say in government, we want to shape laws and policies to our own advantage and (gasp!) we want to be Prime Minister too. Sorry to burst you bubble, but we’re not really interested. I don’t know if you realize that the words ‘kerja kerajaan’ has many negative connotations amongst people. No offense to anyone working in the government but words like slow, inefficient, corrupt, overly political, unchallenging, lousy career prospect, no respect & poor pay come to mind – these are just some of the reasons I’d stay miles away from a government job. But if I ever am looking for a ‘goyong kaki’ job, I know where to look. As for ruling country - thanks but no thanks. Most of us rather stick to working / doing business. The things we DO want are things like fair representation, just laws, a healthy economy, quality education, a safe society & the freedom to express ourselves without fear of being arrested and practice our faith freely. If you can make these things happen, I’ll vote you regardless of who you are. And that's a fact.
#4 - That we are trying to mount a religious challenge to Islam.
This whole religious thingy has always been a sticky issue. Issues of converting people out of Islam or granting more leeway to other religions always hit a brick wall. Again, this under siege mentally comes into play that ‘if we don’t watch it, Malaysia will be surrendered to these infidels’. The more extreme (or retarded) ones basically say “Hey, this is a Muslim country OK. We’ve been very accommodating and have sacrificed a lot. So don’t push it. In fact, you should be grateful! If you don’t like it, balik China / India la….” The whole issue of ‘ketuanan Melayu’ than crops up all over again. We all argue whether having Islam as the official religion is the same as it being an Islamic country. But I learned that when talking to people, you need to suit your speech according to their level of intelligence. You wouldn’t talk to a learned man the same way you’d talk to a retard. So in reply to some of the retards out there thinking their religion is under attack, let me just say 3 words – Bak Kut Teh. We love Bak Kut Teh to bits. I’d love to share some with you, but if don’t want any, that’s up to you. It’s your loss really. If you ever ask me “Ei, babi sedap ke?” I will have to honestly answer “Sedap giler..” But rest assured that there isn’t some super secret Bak Kut Teh cult plotting to convert you out of your religion to jack up pork sales ok. The taste is really from the herbs anyway, not the meat.
But seriously, somewhere between throwing petrol bombs at churchs and planting pig heads in mosques, our emotions get the better of us and we forget what most (if not all) religions teach – which is to love and leave in peace with your neighbor. I was heartened to read many more level headed people condemning these stupid remarks made by their Muslim brothers. There is no concerted effort to topple Islam. We all recognize it as the official and majority religion in this country; we obediently leave all Muslims out of our evangelizing efforts; heck we even studied Sejarah Tamadun Islam (History of Islamic civilization) in school… and I even passed with flying colours. I dare say that I know more about Islam that many of my Muslim friends know about my own religion. So….. tell me again which is the part where your religion is under attack?
#5 - Anyways....
I know I’m going at it again with one of my ‘grandfather’ rants again. I’m saying this now so that when I’m hit with Alzheimer’s when I’m old, I can just read from this text and still sound very smart and wise. :-P
Don’t make the mistake of thinking that Malaysia is such a lousy country because of these problems. So long as there are people, there will be differences. So long as there are differences, people will always argue.. and sometimes fight. In Ireland, people fought over Protestanism & Catholism even though both claim to be Christian, In America, Pro-life & Pro-Choice people are still fighting over abortion rights. Clinics known to carry out abortions are bombed. In Africa, the Tutsi’s and Hutu’s murdered each other in one of Africa’s worse tribal wars. In Europe, there very widespread distrust amongst Eastern & Western Europeans. In Thailand… hundreds and thousands of people have been taking to the streets trying to overthrow the government – for what, I don’t know.
So coming back home, knowing how good things actually are for all of us, do you really think any Malaysian is consciously trying to sabotage the country by plotting against each other? Do you really think after having been born, raised and made our living in this country all our lives, we want to start drawing racial and religious lines? If you think so, maybe it's someone doing it for their own personal material & political gains.
Maybe, its YOU - Mr. Naib Ketua Pergerakan Pemuda UMNO Bahagian Maran.
This pig headed rant
And I didn't know if I was supposed to laugh or cry. Coming from a 34 year old Malaysian who is supposed to be a Deputy Youth Chief of UMNO in the the small town of Maran, Pahang, this was unbelievable. I was tempted to give this guy a piece of my mind. Words like pig head & retard came to mind, but I saw that plenty of people had already unleashed vicious verbal attacks on this mentally challenged chap.
But I can't help but wonder how many of these retards are there out there anyway? Scroll down his blog, and you'll see that there are some who actually agree and condone such thinking. They seem to have the paranoid impression that:
#1 - Their Bumiputra rights (which they deserve by default) are being subversively stolen
Bumiputra special rights are a sensitive topic among Malaysians. The non-bumi generation of today often just ask a simple question "If we are all Malaysians, if we are all equal, why do we not all get the same rights and privileges?" Why is university placement harder for Ah Chong? Why does Muthusamy have to buy a house at a higher price? Why is Robert obligated to rope Ali in before he can do business with the government? There aren't questions meant to challenge the establishment or cause disharmony - but genuinely innocent questions from a generation of young people who was born & bred here, who call this country home, who proudly call themselves Malaysians too. We didn't grow up in China / India, we don't have relatives there, and we certainly don't have any loyalty towards those countries. We are Malaysians, and we just wonder how come some Malaysians are born more equal than others. Pardon me sir, but you can hardly call that ‘talking shit’.
I have a vague idea why the bumi special rights were placed there in the first place. I actually stayed awake during Sejarah period in school. But I think many of us did fall asleep during those critical chapters about the New Economic Policy (NEP) and what have you. The NEP was put in place TO COMBAT POVERTY. And as it turned out at the time, it was the Malays i.e. Bumiputra who needed the most help. Levels of education was poor, involvement in business was next to none, and they had no capital to start businesses or buy their own houses. And so the government started these initiatives to help the Bumiputra get a foothold. But the underlying intentions were always economic in nature, not racial. This may sound radical, but Bumiputra rights aren't really real. What's real is the rights of poor people to make a better living for themselves. A balanced country was one that had it's wealth well distributed amongst all its people, regardless of race. Everyone should realize this. Look at the system and ask yourself are these really Bumiputra 'privileges' or Bumiputra 'assistance'? Will you have the same sense of entitlement if you realize that it’s not the former but the latter? These rights aren't there because of the colour of your skin, but because of the plight of your people. What's really written on that badge you insist on wearing so proudly? "Special" or "Needy"?
#2 - That Non-Bumi's want to hog all money & wealth in the country.
As for money, I just have 2 words for you – cari makan. That’s what every one of us is doing. We’re just looking to earn a living. Contrary to popular believe, not every Chinese family is rich, not all of us have fathers doing million dollar businesses and we don’t have large properties to inherit. Just like you, I survive paycheck to paycheck and I am making a living on my own, with zero assistance from anyone. But no doubt, there are people out there to whom no amount of money is ever enough – greedy people who are really trying to get their hands on more money than they will never need. But since when does greed distinguish people by the colour of their skin? There are greedy hoarders across the board. To say that non bumi’s are trying to snatch away your money is out of baseless fear. If it seems as if we’re more money minded than most, please stop to think that maybe it’s because we’re trying to make ends me under ever slightly more difficult circumstances than you; Government scholarships are hard for us to get, university placements still follow racial quotas and we find ourselves having to pay to go to private universities / colleges which goes into the hundreds of thousands; houses are more costly for us because of the different interest rates for non bumi’s. And we aren’t allowed to buy units that are already allocated / designated as ‘bumi’ units. And since most of us need to say near where we work, we all have to competed amongst each other for the few non bumi houses available, which just makes the house price go up even more! ; Financial assistance / loans are harder to get when you’re a non bumi, so we try to save up our own money to do business. We could search for a bumi partner to do business with, but they usually aren’t interested, and have no capital to contribute anyway – hence the ‘sleeping partner’ syndrome. I’ll put all the money, sweat and tears; you just put your name. If I fail at it, I lose all my money, you lose nothing. But if I succeed, and earn a good living, please don’t turn around and tell me I’m trying to steal wealth the country’s wealth! I was just trying to cari makan - don't blame me if I did it well with my own efforts.
#3 - That Non-Bumi's want to topple the current government and rule.
Everything seems to be tied to money and power these days. And there is this under siege mentally that non bumi are trying to gain more foothold in the government. We want a bigger say in government, we want to shape laws and policies to our own advantage and (gasp!) we want to be Prime Minister too. Sorry to burst you bubble, but we’re not really interested. I don’t know if you realize that the words ‘kerja kerajaan’ has many negative connotations amongst people. No offense to anyone working in the government but words like slow, inefficient, corrupt, overly political, unchallenging, lousy career prospect, no respect & poor pay come to mind – these are just some of the reasons I’d stay miles away from a government job. But if I ever am looking for a ‘goyong kaki’ job, I know where to look. As for ruling country - thanks but no thanks. Most of us rather stick to working / doing business. The things we DO want are things like fair representation, just laws, a healthy economy, quality education, a safe society & the freedom to express ourselves without fear of being arrested and practice our faith freely. If you can make these things happen, I’ll vote you regardless of who you are. And that's a fact.
#4 - That we are trying to mount a religious challenge to Islam.
This whole religious thingy has always been a sticky issue. Issues of converting people out of Islam or granting more leeway to other religions always hit a brick wall. Again, this under siege mentally comes into play that ‘if we don’t watch it, Malaysia will be surrendered to these infidels’. The more extreme (or retarded) ones basically say “Hey, this is a Muslim country OK. We’ve been very accommodating and have sacrificed a lot. So don’t push it. In fact, you should be grateful! If you don’t like it, balik China / India la….” The whole issue of ‘ketuanan Melayu’ than crops up all over again. We all argue whether having Islam as the official religion is the same as it being an Islamic country. But I learned that when talking to people, you need to suit your speech according to their level of intelligence. You wouldn’t talk to a learned man the same way you’d talk to a retard. So in reply to some of the retards out there thinking their religion is under attack, let me just say 3 words – Bak Kut Teh. We love Bak Kut Teh to bits. I’d love to share some with you, but if don’t want any, that’s up to you. It’s your loss really. If you ever ask me “Ei, babi sedap ke?” I will have to honestly answer “Sedap giler..” But rest assured that there isn’t some super secret Bak Kut Teh cult plotting to convert you out of your religion to jack up pork sales ok. The taste is really from the herbs anyway, not the meat.
But seriously, somewhere between throwing petrol bombs at churchs and planting pig heads in mosques, our emotions get the better of us and we forget what most (if not all) religions teach – which is to love and leave in peace with your neighbor. I was heartened to read many more level headed people condemning these stupid remarks made by their Muslim brothers. There is no concerted effort to topple Islam. We all recognize it as the official and majority religion in this country; we obediently leave all Muslims out of our evangelizing efforts; heck we even studied Sejarah Tamadun Islam (History of Islamic civilization) in school… and I even passed with flying colours. I dare say that I know more about Islam that many of my Muslim friends know about my own religion. So….. tell me again which is the part where your religion is under attack?
#5 - Anyways....
I know I’m going at it again with one of my ‘grandfather’ rants again. I’m saying this now so that when I’m hit with Alzheimer’s when I’m old, I can just read from this text and still sound very smart and wise. :-P
Don’t make the mistake of thinking that Malaysia is such a lousy country because of these problems. So long as there are people, there will be differences. So long as there are differences, people will always argue.. and sometimes fight. In Ireland, people fought over Protestanism & Catholism even though both claim to be Christian, In America, Pro-life & Pro-Choice people are still fighting over abortion rights. Clinics known to carry out abortions are bombed. In Africa, the Tutsi’s and Hutu’s murdered each other in one of Africa’s worse tribal wars. In Europe, there very widespread distrust amongst Eastern & Western Europeans. In Thailand… hundreds and thousands of people have been taking to the streets trying to overthrow the government – for what, I don’t know.
So coming back home, knowing how good things actually are for all of us, do you really think any Malaysian is consciously trying to sabotage the country by plotting against each other? Do you really think after having been born, raised and made our living in this country all our lives, we want to start drawing racial and religious lines? If you think so, maybe it's someone doing it for their own personal material & political gains.
Maybe, its YOU - Mr. Naib Ketua Pergerakan Pemuda UMNO Bahagian Maran.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Now That's a Job.
Like I've said before, I never talk about my work. I refuse to let my job define who I am. I don't talk the about the nature of my work., the product I deal with, the things I achieve, the work I've done... not here at least. That's not to say there aren't any interesting things to tell. In fact, there are many.
Many people I know aren't quite happy at their jobs. Either they aren't getting enough pay, the work isn't fulfilling enough, or they hate their boss. A lot of them pride themselves for working at big, well known international organizations. Often times, they tell me the name of their company with more than just a hint of pride in their tone.
When they ask me in return what I do, I just say I'm working in a company small little company whose name I will not mentions since you would've never heard of before and not bother to remember after anyway.
"Oh, that's nice.." they tell me politely.
But here's the part I usually leave out:
I am exceedingly happy with my job. I'm getting way more than enough pay (for a person of my age), I find the work fulfilling & challenging, I certainly don't love my boss.... but he treats me real good. I dare say better than most of the others in the company. In fact, it's going so well that I am entrusted with a lot of information & task that are private and confidential and I have been put above people many years my senior. Says I'm being 'groomed'. For what he didn't say, but I think I have a pretty good guess. And since the boss is also the owner, anything he says goes in the company. And when you're in the good books of such a boss, it's hard not to say you're in a good position.
"So what do you do in your work?" they ask
"Oh, you know... attend meetings, do tenders, coordinate projects etc etc. Nothing fancy la. I'm the photocopy boy, the sales rep as well as the IT trouble shooter. That's what you get when you work for a small company. You do everything."
But I actually enjoy that. I've learned a lot more about a very wide range of things.. since there really isn't anyone else to do it. I've had to learn bits and pieces of web hosting, international freight forwarding, mechanical/civil/chemical/process engineering, purchasing, sales and marketing, legal & commercial contracts, banking & corporate financing, site construction, manpower supply and back home, how to prevent your photocopy machine from jamming. But of course, I don't tell that to people. Sound too much like bragging.
Having said that, I still know deep down inside that this isn't exactly my passion. No doubt, I can do the job (and do it well), but I still find myself talking to people about every other time other than my job. Intellectually & mentally, it stimulates me - and that provides some kind of satisfaction in itself. But I'm not the kind of nuts and bolts, machines kind of guy. Machines don't excite me. People do. If I ever drop all of this in search for something else, it will be something where people are the focus. Not machines, schedules & cost. People.
I think we all eventually find something we consider to be our calling in life. Some want to be millionaire stock brokers, some want to open a coffee house and some want to be doctors. Others have simpler dreams, like being a mom, a columnist or just a teacher. I'm not sure if I've found my own calling yet.
For now, it just a fuzzy little idea in my brain that can basically be summed up in one statement:
I want to help people, in a real and personal way - that they may learn to live fulfilling, meaningful & happy lives regardless of the obstacles they face in life; and that eventually they themselves go forth and be a help & blessing to others.
Many people I know aren't quite happy at their jobs. Either they aren't getting enough pay, the work isn't fulfilling enough, or they hate their boss. A lot of them pride themselves for working at big, well known international organizations. Often times, they tell me the name of their company with more than just a hint of pride in their tone.
When they ask me in return what I do, I just say I'm working in a company small little company whose name I will not mentions since you would've never heard of before and not bother to remember after anyway.
"Oh, that's nice.." they tell me politely.
But here's the part I usually leave out:
I am exceedingly happy with my job. I'm getting way more than enough pay (for a person of my age), I find the work fulfilling & challenging, I certainly don't love my boss.... but he treats me real good. I dare say better than most of the others in the company. In fact, it's going so well that I am entrusted with a lot of information & task that are private and confidential and I have been put above people many years my senior. Says I'm being 'groomed'. For what he didn't say, but I think I have a pretty good guess. And since the boss is also the owner, anything he says goes in the company. And when you're in the good books of such a boss, it's hard not to say you're in a good position.
"So what do you do in your work?" they ask
"Oh, you know... attend meetings, do tenders, coordinate projects etc etc. Nothing fancy la. I'm the photocopy boy, the sales rep as well as the IT trouble shooter. That's what you get when you work for a small company. You do everything."
But I actually enjoy that. I've learned a lot more about a very wide range of things.. since there really isn't anyone else to do it. I've had to learn bits and pieces of web hosting, international freight forwarding, mechanical/civil/chemical/process engineering, purchasing, sales and marketing, legal & commercial contracts, banking & corporate financing, site construction, manpower supply and back home, how to prevent your photocopy machine from jamming. But of course, I don't tell that to people. Sound too much like bragging.
Having said that, I still know deep down inside that this isn't exactly my passion. No doubt, I can do the job (and do it well), but I still find myself talking to people about every other time other than my job. Intellectually & mentally, it stimulates me - and that provides some kind of satisfaction in itself. But I'm not the kind of nuts and bolts, machines kind of guy. Machines don't excite me. People do. If I ever drop all of this in search for something else, it will be something where people are the focus. Not machines, schedules & cost. People.
I think we all eventually find something we consider to be our calling in life. Some want to be millionaire stock brokers, some want to open a coffee house and some want to be doctors. Others have simpler dreams, like being a mom, a columnist or just a teacher. I'm not sure if I've found my own calling yet.
For now, it just a fuzzy little idea in my brain that can basically be summed up in one statement:
I want to help people, in a real and personal way - that they may learn to live fulfilling, meaningful & happy lives regardless of the obstacles they face in life; and that eventually they themselves go forth and be a help & blessing to others.
A song for you
I don’t know how true this is for other people, but specific songs tend to remind me of specific people. Whenever I hear certain songs, my thoughts inevitably turn to them. There aren’t really any clear associations sometimes, and sometimes, the link between the song and the person is obvious, other times it can be rather obscure. Just for the fun of it, here is some of it:
All Backstreet Boys songs – Reminds me of Thilaga because she was so crazy about them during high school. I insisted on calling them the Backside Boys.. just to take jibes at her. She seriously hated me for that.
All Tamil songs – remind me of Suresh who overloaded me with enough tamil songs to last a life time during his wedding. The speakers were so loud it caused a power overload that short the circuits and threatened to burn down the whole hall, along with everyone in it.
I’m a slave for you by Britney Spears – My best friend during high school, Epul idolized Britney to no end. I hated this song, but he listened to it non-stop… said it was ‘different’. I should have figured out he was gay back then when he first started imitating Britney dance moves while singing this song.
Lips of an Angel by Hinder – Reminds me of Amanda.. a brilliant but enigmatic writer I got to know a few years ago in college. She really had a way with words… and every time I heard her speeches or read her writings, I was blown away. It’s a shame we never got to know each other better. This reminds me of her because when I got to know her, this was her favourite song. Wonder how she is now.
I’m too sexy by Right Said Fred – Another best friend from the past, Roshan…. Simply because the guy is just too damn good looking for his own good, and knows it only too well. Epul & I would roll our eyes everytime girls went gaga around him. Even the female teachers swoon at the sight of him. You could see the smirk on his face… I imagine this is the song he sings in front of the mirror in his room.
Lemon Tree by Fool Garden – reminds me of Ming, Fook & Liew…. Because when we were 12 years old making our way up to Cameron Highlands during a school excursion, the teachers forced us to have a karaoke competition for entertainment (or torture). Lemon Tree was the hottest song at the time. Don’t tell anyone, but I still know the words by heart even till today.
In the Club by Fifty Cent – reminds me of Giant who knew the lyrics by heart and convinced me that Chinese guys can sing a perfect gangster rap after all… albeit never in public.
Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen – reminds me of Tat.. who again knew all the words (not to mention the tune) for this bizarre & mind boggling song and sang it on our way to Penang. My hats off to you Tat. You're a great guy
Umbrella by Rihanna – reminds me of my boss (of all persons). Driving at 160kmph in the dead of the night, he belts out this song word for word… with all the ‘ella ella ella… eh eh..’. I didn’t think 50 year old folks listened to such music. I couldn’t shrugged off the image for days.
Creep by Radiohead – reminds me of Jason. He played the electric guitar, called everyone ‘dude’, immensely interested in airplanes and was this mix of a Mr-Nice-Guy & mischievous little boy. Within 10 minutes of talking to him, I knew… he was the kind of cool guy I always wanted to be. But sadly, yours truly is anything but cool.
Stacy’s mom by Fountains of Wayne – reminds me of Chev who got me hooked on the song. Chev also knew where to get the best Pork Curry Wantan Mee in KL, had a soft heart for small time businesses & an obsession with fishes. Every time I walk into a computer shop, I browse for a fish themed computer mouse to buy for her. She mentioned once how awesome it would be to have it. Still no luck.
Lau Tu Qing Ge by Ah Niu – reminds me of my fiancée… because she caught me singing this song to myself once. She found it amusing that I’d actually know the words. Says it’s exactly the kind of cheesy, tacky, folksy but oh-so-honest & sincere kind of songs I’d like. Since then, she’d giggle and look at me knowingly every time the song came on air.
Anyway, it’s just a sample list. There’s a lot more where that came from… but the list goes on and on so I better stop here.
Good night world...
All Backstreet Boys songs – Reminds me of Thilaga because she was so crazy about them during high school. I insisted on calling them the Backside Boys.. just to take jibes at her. She seriously hated me for that.
All Tamil songs – remind me of Suresh who overloaded me with enough tamil songs to last a life time during his wedding. The speakers were so loud it caused a power overload that short the circuits and threatened to burn down the whole hall, along with everyone in it.
I’m a slave for you by Britney Spears – My best friend during high school, Epul idolized Britney to no end. I hated this song, but he listened to it non-stop… said it was ‘different’. I should have figured out he was gay back then when he first started imitating Britney dance moves while singing this song.
Lips of an Angel by Hinder – Reminds me of Amanda.. a brilliant but enigmatic writer I got to know a few years ago in college. She really had a way with words… and every time I heard her speeches or read her writings, I was blown away. It’s a shame we never got to know each other better. This reminds me of her because when I got to know her, this was her favourite song. Wonder how she is now.
I’m too sexy by Right Said Fred – Another best friend from the past, Roshan…. Simply because the guy is just too damn good looking for his own good, and knows it only too well. Epul & I would roll our eyes everytime girls went gaga around him. Even the female teachers swoon at the sight of him. You could see the smirk on his face… I imagine this is the song he sings in front of the mirror in his room.
Lemon Tree by Fool Garden – reminds me of Ming, Fook & Liew…. Because when we were 12 years old making our way up to Cameron Highlands during a school excursion, the teachers forced us to have a karaoke competition for entertainment (or torture). Lemon Tree was the hottest song at the time. Don’t tell anyone, but I still know the words by heart even till today.
In the Club by Fifty Cent – reminds me of Giant who knew the lyrics by heart and convinced me that Chinese guys can sing a perfect gangster rap after all… albeit never in public.
Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen – reminds me of Tat.. who again knew all the words (not to mention the tune) for this bizarre & mind boggling song and sang it on our way to Penang. My hats off to you Tat. You're a great guy
Umbrella by Rihanna – reminds me of my boss (of all persons). Driving at 160kmph in the dead of the night, he belts out this song word for word… with all the ‘ella ella ella… eh eh..’. I didn’t think 50 year old folks listened to such music. I couldn’t shrugged off the image for days.
Creep by Radiohead – reminds me of Jason. He played the electric guitar, called everyone ‘dude’, immensely interested in airplanes and was this mix of a Mr-Nice-Guy & mischievous little boy. Within 10 minutes of talking to him, I knew… he was the kind of cool guy I always wanted to be. But sadly, yours truly is anything but cool.
Stacy’s mom by Fountains of Wayne – reminds me of Chev who got me hooked on the song. Chev also knew where to get the best Pork Curry Wantan Mee in KL, had a soft heart for small time businesses & an obsession with fishes. Every time I walk into a computer shop, I browse for a fish themed computer mouse to buy for her. She mentioned once how awesome it would be to have it. Still no luck.
Lau Tu Qing Ge by Ah Niu – reminds me of my fiancée… because she caught me singing this song to myself once. She found it amusing that I’d actually know the words. Says it’s exactly the kind of cheesy, tacky, folksy but oh-so-honest & sincere kind of songs I’d like. Since then, she’d giggle and look at me knowingly every time the song came on air.
Anyway, it’s just a sample list. There’s a lot more where that came from… but the list goes on and on so I better stop here.
Good night world...
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
I Want to Live...
More Free Music at MP3-Codes.com
Good morning world....
You hear that music? You hear the drums beating?
Today, that's my song.. today my heart beats to that rhythm.
A strong solid thumping that sends the blood in blood running that bit faster.
There's plenty to be upset about, there's plenty to sulk about. Last night as I tucked myself into bed, I found myself thinking about many of the major mistakes I have made in my life. Of course I call them mistakes now because of how they didn't turn out well. I wondered if I knew then what I knew now, would I have done things differently. But that's the thing - the benefit of hindsight always comes after it's too late. I wondered if I should make a few phone calls.. to explain & apologize for the things I did or didn't do. I feel asleep halfway through recollecting who and what I did a wrong against.
But when I woke up, I felt different. The rest did me a lot of good. I walked up to the window and drew the curtains wide open, allowing the sunlight to flood the room. A new day, a new hope. You can't spend your life forever pandering over the sins of the past. Respect your past, hope for your future, but live your life in the present. I decided trying to dig up old stories in attempt to apologize wasn't the way forward. I'd probably get proper closure f I did, but it'd also bring up a painful memories & hurt for all concerned. Completely unnecessary.
I showered and got dressed. Stuffed the ear phones in my head and walked out the door. I was keen to get the day started, keen to get going... keep on living, making more 'mistakes' if I had to. I scrolled down my playlist looking for a song that will get me going that would galvanize me for the rest of the day, and voila, here's The Animal Song by Savage Garden.
Cheers.
Monday, April 12, 2010
of Brotherly Love
"When you go back..... drive safely OK." my brother said.
"OK.... Don't worry.. I'll be alright." I assured him.
I felt I knew what was on his mind. He was thinking about his friend.
I had driven 350km back from Singapore to KL. I was starting to feel pretty trapped over there. The week had been one long frustrating struggle of paddling my way through the myriad of rules, regulations, laws, requirements and restrictions that seems to define life in Singapore. It wasn't even planned...... the last straw came when I tried buying a mobile broadband package when they asked me for a proof of mailing address, bank statement, copy of passport, copy of work permit AND a SGD200 deposit. There and then I decided, I'm going home. I'm taking the drive back, I'm going to have dinner with my family and I'm taking my mom to church.
The weekend was over, and it was time for me to head downs south again.
Earlier at dinner, he and I had the best of times recollecting our childhood memories - catching dragon flies in the grass, fishes in the longkang (drain), riding bikes exploring the neighbourhood, playing with our dog, playing kites, running away from dogs ... We were recollecting all these funny stories and retelling them to my mother and my brothers girlfriend. Why me named our dog Baxter, why I never dared walk pass the house with the blue gate... and how my brother ended up being chased down the road by the usually passive Rooster (He was actually taunting it with a stick, to prove how brave he really was... but ended up being pecked in the heel). We moved on to primary school, where we'd pretend we were going out to play badminton when we were in fact, going to play video games. We also developed a fanatical obsession with rearing fish. We upgraded from a tiny square aquarium to a 1 foot to finally a 4 feet one equipment with water pumps, filter, decorations and what have you... Every weekend, my brother and I would spend our time tending to our fish, discussing the best ways to keep the fish health and what sort of worms to feed them. Those were perhaps the times when my brother and I shared the strongest bonds.... at least at that point I mean.
After he went to college, we started to grow apart. He had his life to live, and so did I. We did maintain our brotherhood, and stood united whenever there was a family crisis... but most of the time, we mind our own business. We talked about the friends we each made over the years especially in college. I had always felt that he somehow had the cooler bunch of friends. At one point, I felt like I liked his friends more than I did my own. Funny how things seem to be coming full circle for me recently. Over the past 2 years, my brother and I seemed to have rekindled our sense of closeness and brotherhood. We don't live together anymore, but he calls me and talks to me, sometimes asking for my advice, other times just to bounce of some grand new idea he has in his mind. And in turn, I know that although he doesn't always know what goes on in my mind (no one does anyway).... I can always count on him to be there.. and to support me.. the same way I'd support him. I always thought I wanted a sister... but now I think.. having a brother is just as good too....
"You know my classmate? The one that was the top student. Very brilliant, very smart... really talented and gifted girl..."
"Yeah...What about her?"
"She dies last week..... Car accident in Johor...."
I was shocked. I stopped eating. This was the second of his classmates who have suddenly passed away - both in car accidents. She WAS a brilliant girl... she WAS talented.. graduated top of her class... people said she had such a promising future. Who would have thought she would leave this work so quickly and so abruptly. Who would have thought......... Dinner was much more solemn after that.
As I dropped them off, my brother gave me that reminder to drive safely.. with an uncomfortable pause in between. I reached out and help him by the shoulder and told him not to worry. He lost 2 friends to the road.... For all the beautiful memories we had together as kids, for all the future memories we will create with together as a family..... I had to make sure he didn't loose a brother too. For once, I drove slowly, and unhurriedly.
You never need to say it dear brother.. .... but I love you too.
"OK.... Don't worry.. I'll be alright." I assured him.
I felt I knew what was on his mind. He was thinking about his friend.
I had driven 350km back from Singapore to KL. I was starting to feel pretty trapped over there. The week had been one long frustrating struggle of paddling my way through the myriad of rules, regulations, laws, requirements and restrictions that seems to define life in Singapore. It wasn't even planned...... the last straw came when I tried buying a mobile broadband package when they asked me for a proof of mailing address, bank statement, copy of passport, copy of work permit AND a SGD200 deposit. There and then I decided, I'm going home. I'm taking the drive back, I'm going to have dinner with my family and I'm taking my mom to church.
The weekend was over, and it was time for me to head downs south again.
Earlier at dinner, he and I had the best of times recollecting our childhood memories - catching dragon flies in the grass, fishes in the longkang (drain), riding bikes exploring the neighbourhood, playing with our dog, playing kites, running away from dogs ... We were recollecting all these funny stories and retelling them to my mother and my brothers girlfriend. Why me named our dog Baxter, why I never dared walk pass the house with the blue gate... and how my brother ended up being chased down the road by the usually passive Rooster (He was actually taunting it with a stick, to prove how brave he really was... but ended up being pecked in the heel). We moved on to primary school, where we'd pretend we were going out to play badminton when we were in fact, going to play video games. We also developed a fanatical obsession with rearing fish. We upgraded from a tiny square aquarium to a 1 foot to finally a 4 feet one equipment with water pumps, filter, decorations and what have you... Every weekend, my brother and I would spend our time tending to our fish, discussing the best ways to keep the fish health and what sort of worms to feed them. Those were perhaps the times when my brother and I shared the strongest bonds.... at least at that point I mean.
After he went to college, we started to grow apart. He had his life to live, and so did I. We did maintain our brotherhood, and stood united whenever there was a family crisis... but most of the time, we mind our own business. We talked about the friends we each made over the years especially in college. I had always felt that he somehow had the cooler bunch of friends. At one point, I felt like I liked his friends more than I did my own. Funny how things seem to be coming full circle for me recently. Over the past 2 years, my brother and I seemed to have rekindled our sense of closeness and brotherhood. We don't live together anymore, but he calls me and talks to me, sometimes asking for my advice, other times just to bounce of some grand new idea he has in his mind. And in turn, I know that although he doesn't always know what goes on in my mind (no one does anyway).... I can always count on him to be there.. and to support me.. the same way I'd support him. I always thought I wanted a sister... but now I think.. having a brother is just as good too....
"You know my classmate? The one that was the top student. Very brilliant, very smart... really talented and gifted girl..."
"Yeah...What about her?"
"She dies last week..... Car accident in Johor...."
I was shocked. I stopped eating. This was the second of his classmates who have suddenly passed away - both in car accidents. She WAS a brilliant girl... she WAS talented.. graduated top of her class... people said she had such a promising future. Who would have thought she would leave this work so quickly and so abruptly. Who would have thought......... Dinner was much more solemn after that.
As I dropped them off, my brother gave me that reminder to drive safely.. with an uncomfortable pause in between. I reached out and help him by the shoulder and told him not to worry. He lost 2 friends to the road.... For all the beautiful memories we had together as kids, for all the future memories we will create with together as a family..... I had to make sure he didn't loose a brother too. For once, I drove slowly, and unhurriedly.
You never need to say it dear brother.. .... but I love you too.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
The Better Man
Why does everyone like to think they are so special? I never get it when people try to be different for the sake of being different. If you do that, you aren't really different at all - you're just trying to be. And what's wrong with being ordinary? What's wrong with being plain, simple and utterly unremarkable in any way whatsoever? Why does the word mediocre come with so many bad connotations?
You know how they say man are all born equal? Well, we all learn soon enough that some are born more equal than others. We all find that some are better than others in certain things. We call them 'talented', 'gifted'.... Nothing wrong with that really... there is no crime in being good at something.... But lets admit it - if there's anything about people who are good, is that an arrogance is born of knowing that we are better than others. We're all good at something, and usually we're proud of it. We don't go around boasting, acting like we're all that... not all of us anyway. But we do take pride that we are better than others in some things.
Faster, smarter, more capable, more creative..... It's always one of these things we measure against each other..... that we're better in some ways...But I don't care much for the talented, intelligent, capable or brilliant. These people are better at what they do... but they aren't necessarily better people.
I'm a simpleton. There is only one worldly achievement I envy people.... that is happier. A happy man knows something that completely eludes a so called 'talented & superior' man.
Find me a man who knows how to be happy in life, and I will follow him to death.
You know how they say man are all born equal? Well, we all learn soon enough that some are born more equal than others. We all find that some are better than others in certain things. We call them 'talented', 'gifted'.... Nothing wrong with that really... there is no crime in being good at something.... But lets admit it - if there's anything about people who are good, is that an arrogance is born of knowing that we are better than others. We're all good at something, and usually we're proud of it. We don't go around boasting, acting like we're all that... not all of us anyway. But we do take pride that we are better than others in some things.
Faster, smarter, more capable, more creative..... It's always one of these things we measure against each other..... that we're better in some ways...But I don't care much for the talented, intelligent, capable or brilliant. These people are better at what they do... but they aren't necessarily better people.
I'm a simpleton. There is only one worldly achievement I envy people.... that is happier. A happy man knows something that completely eludes a so called 'talented & superior' man.
Find me a man who knows how to be happy in life, and I will follow him to death.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
The Man In Love
I couldn’t help but shake my head. He wasn’t out disappearing on weekends having his fill of women and booze… he was just a man in love.
Something happened to him a few months back. He became non-contactable over the weekend, his work suffered, he couldn’t focus, and worst of all, he kept everything to himself. People had been asking for months and months why, but his lips were sealed. Many though he was more interested in womanizing over the weekends that committing himself to his work. Some thought it was a deliberate act of insubordination and basic I-don’t-give-a-shit attitude. Whatever it was, I started to see that his job was in danger.
I had asked a few times before, albeit in the presence of others, but he refused to say anything.
“Family? Friends? Lover? Money? What is it man? Come on, you gotta at least say something. How else can anyone help you?”
“It’s personal", he would reply. "I’m getting it sorted out. Once it’s all sorted out, everything can return to normal. But in the mean time, I can’t be around on weekends, and I can’t tell you why.”
And that was that.. no more questions.
But that night, something changed. We were having a long conversation. The boss was all over his back, and I was trying to help him settle it. I didn’t want to watch another colleague leave. He was perhaps one of the last people who were around when I first joined this company. Most of the others were new, and I was starting to feel rather alone in this company.
We were watching a replay of last night’s game. He being ethnic Indian and all, I jokingly asked when his parents were going to find a wife for him. That was when he spilled the beans.
“I’m already married.”…..
I almost threw up.
“WHAT? You’re joking right?”
He gave me a silent look.
“No shit! Serious?......... What, shotgun marriage? Did you eloped or something?”
“No, nothing like that…it’s hard to explain. I made a mistake OK. But I’m fixing it right now. I just need more time.”
Fixing things - I understood that. Men are perpetually trying to fix things. We pride ourselves with being able to fix everything ourselves.... except dinner of course.
“I met someone, and I fell in love. Just like you and your girl. Do you love her? Are you happy when you are with her? Do you always feel like you want to be with her?”
“Yes.. of course.”
“That’s how it is for me. I never believe all this crap about people falling in love before. I thought all those crushes was love. But when I met this girl, I was like ‘Shit… so THIS is love’…. When I’m with her.. I’m HAPPY. Can you understand that? I’m HAPPY. Every weekend, every free time I have, I want to spend with her. I don’t want to be anywhere else.”
I smiled. I had never seen this side of him before. It’s weird when you’re used to seeing someone in a certain way before suddenly discovering a how new side of them. He had this spark in his eyes and this smile on his face. I knew that look well……. It’s the kind of look people always had when talking about something they’re passionate about. And this man was passionate. This man was in love. But his love also came with many complications.
“Why haven’t you told anyone? Not even your parents and family?”
“It’s complicated….. Look, I haven’t been home since November. How am I supposed to just show up and tell them I’m in love and that I’m married?”
Traditional Indian families aren’t always receptive of inter racial marriages for one. His mom had been saving up money for his future dowry. No doubt they already had a candidate in mind. This girl wasn’t Hindu. Heck, she wasn’t even Singaporean or Malaysian, but Indonesian. She was Muslim, which was another problem. To properly marry a Muslim girl in Malaysia, one had to first convert to the religion. He didn’t really care, but he definitely did not want to convert his own religion. He said they were trying to get her religion officially converted to Christianity – the seemingly neutral ground.
To complicate matters, they had actually gotten married secretly. Or more accurately, HE had gotten married secretly. Society expects people to get married in an orderly fashion; court, date, engage, marry. And if you’re going to marry someone, marry someone decent.. not some girl you met in Batam under questionable circumstances. But that’s what he did. He took a boat ride to Indonesia one weekend thinking he was just there to have fun, but instead, met a girl that would change his life… and SOMEHOW… got married secretly. I guess it’s true when they say life is stranger than fiction. He pulled his wallet out and showed me a picture of her.
“Pretty… Congrats….”
“Thanks…. She simple minded, she can’t even speak English properly..…. But she makes me happy.”
I smiled again. That line seemed to have an effect on me. Unlike so many other people, at least this man knows when something priceless came his way. Happiness is something we all pursuit naturally. It’s easy to find things that make us happy. But it’s hard to find someone who makes us happy. In my heart, I was already all for him. I didn’t want to know if she was a village girl, store keeper or former prostitute… if this girl makes him happy, he should cling on to her with dear life….
I could not help but share my own stories with her. At the time, everyone told me I should stay far away from her. They labeled her a ‘problematic girl’. She had a philandering father who dumped his son in the streets, a mentally ill mother gone missing for years, an older brother who was a violent junkie, and a younger brother who grew up in an orphanage. Add it all up…. she could only spell bad news. I had a broken family of my own with a family equally as messed up…. People said it was a recipe for disaster….. But I was stubbornly in love… and gladly, so was she. I took my own wallet out and showed her the picture of my fiancée… beaming with pride.
“You aren’t the only one with good taste you know..” I said and he gave me a smack.
“Hey, you have anyone you can talk to about this problem? You’ll go crazy if you don’t talk about it.”
“No one. No one can know until I get this sorted out.”
If that were so, I was wondering why he was told me in the first place.
“You can’t keep this a secret forever you know. Sooner or later, you’re going to have to let it out in the open… and sometimes, a bit of advice from the outside is useful. The sooner you get this out, the sooner the two of you can start life together properly. ”
“I know. Let me just settle a few things before I let it out.”
I guess I’m a hopeless romantic in some ways. I like believing that true love conquers all…. I said to him:
“Look, not as your colleague but personally, let me say this. Ask yourself if she is worth all this hurdles you’re going to have to face this year – don’t kid yourself, this isn’t going to get fixed so quickly or easily….. you’re going to have to face up to a LOT of shit at home and at work once this gets out. But if you truly love her, and she truly loves you, you will and can go through this together. But you better be damn sure about this love, because if it’s not, your relationship & your entire world will come crumbling down when it matters most.”
He kept silent… I assumed he was giving some thought to what I said.
“People are thinking you’re out having your fun, deliberately ignoring work…. Why can’t you just tell people you’ve got a girlfriend now or something? At least they will know why you’re not around”
“No, if I tell them even a bit, they will start spinning a lot of stories..”
“They are ALREADY making stories right now without you saying a word. And unlike your girl, the stories going around aren’t pretty……. Get it sorted out okay. If there’s one thing I know, your work will always suffer if your personal life is in tatters.”
“I know. I’m experiencing it firsthand. No one knows ok. Only you and one other friend know. Keep this between us OK.”
“OK” If there’s one thing I know how to do… it’s keeping a secret. I had them too. But unlike his, mine are the kind people don’t even know exist.
I reached out and gave him a pat on the back. I didn’t know what else to do. Here he was, a grossly misunderstood man. I felt for him. He was suffering in silence. Everyone was talking behind his back, painting ugly pictures of a hedonistic life he was allegedly living… when the only wrong he has done was to fall in love and keep silent about it.
I looked at him as he sipped his beer. He dreaded what was to come… but I could see he was willing to face it anyway. He was just buying himself time. He looked so scared......yet so brave. I guess love does that to you.
Something happened to him a few months back. He became non-contactable over the weekend, his work suffered, he couldn’t focus, and worst of all, he kept everything to himself. People had been asking for months and months why, but his lips were sealed. Many though he was more interested in womanizing over the weekends that committing himself to his work. Some thought it was a deliberate act of insubordination and basic I-don’t-give-a-shit attitude. Whatever it was, I started to see that his job was in danger.
I had asked a few times before, albeit in the presence of others, but he refused to say anything.
“Family? Friends? Lover? Money? What is it man? Come on, you gotta at least say something. How else can anyone help you?”
“It’s personal", he would reply. "I’m getting it sorted out. Once it’s all sorted out, everything can return to normal. But in the mean time, I can’t be around on weekends, and I can’t tell you why.”
And that was that.. no more questions.
But that night, something changed. We were having a long conversation. The boss was all over his back, and I was trying to help him settle it. I didn’t want to watch another colleague leave. He was perhaps one of the last people who were around when I first joined this company. Most of the others were new, and I was starting to feel rather alone in this company.
We were watching a replay of last night’s game. He being ethnic Indian and all, I jokingly asked when his parents were going to find a wife for him. That was when he spilled the beans.
“I’m already married.”…..
I almost threw up.
“WHAT? You’re joking right?”
He gave me a silent look.
“No shit! Serious?......... What, shotgun marriage? Did you eloped or something?”
“No, nothing like that…it’s hard to explain. I made a mistake OK. But I’m fixing it right now. I just need more time.”
Fixing things - I understood that. Men are perpetually trying to fix things. We pride ourselves with being able to fix everything ourselves.... except dinner of course.
“I met someone, and I fell in love. Just like you and your girl. Do you love her? Are you happy when you are with her? Do you always feel like you want to be with her?”
“Yes.. of course.”
“That’s how it is for me. I never believe all this crap about people falling in love before. I thought all those crushes was love. But when I met this girl, I was like ‘Shit… so THIS is love’…. When I’m with her.. I’m HAPPY. Can you understand that? I’m HAPPY. Every weekend, every free time I have, I want to spend with her. I don’t want to be anywhere else.”
I smiled. I had never seen this side of him before. It’s weird when you’re used to seeing someone in a certain way before suddenly discovering a how new side of them. He had this spark in his eyes and this smile on his face. I knew that look well……. It’s the kind of look people always had when talking about something they’re passionate about. And this man was passionate. This man was in love. But his love also came with many complications.
“Why haven’t you told anyone? Not even your parents and family?”
“It’s complicated….. Look, I haven’t been home since November. How am I supposed to just show up and tell them I’m in love and that I’m married?”
Traditional Indian families aren’t always receptive of inter racial marriages for one. His mom had been saving up money for his future dowry. No doubt they already had a candidate in mind. This girl wasn’t Hindu. Heck, she wasn’t even Singaporean or Malaysian, but Indonesian. She was Muslim, which was another problem. To properly marry a Muslim girl in Malaysia, one had to first convert to the religion. He didn’t really care, but he definitely did not want to convert his own religion. He said they were trying to get her religion officially converted to Christianity – the seemingly neutral ground.
To complicate matters, they had actually gotten married secretly. Or more accurately, HE had gotten married secretly. Society expects people to get married in an orderly fashion; court, date, engage, marry. And if you’re going to marry someone, marry someone decent.. not some girl you met in Batam under questionable circumstances. But that’s what he did. He took a boat ride to Indonesia one weekend thinking he was just there to have fun, but instead, met a girl that would change his life… and SOMEHOW… got married secretly. I guess it’s true when they say life is stranger than fiction. He pulled his wallet out and showed me a picture of her.
“Pretty… Congrats….”
“Thanks…. She simple minded, she can’t even speak English properly..…. But she makes me happy.”
I smiled again. That line seemed to have an effect on me. Unlike so many other people, at least this man knows when something priceless came his way. Happiness is something we all pursuit naturally. It’s easy to find things that make us happy. But it’s hard to find someone who makes us happy. In my heart, I was already all for him. I didn’t want to know if she was a village girl, store keeper or former prostitute… if this girl makes him happy, he should cling on to her with dear life….
I could not help but share my own stories with her. At the time, everyone told me I should stay far away from her. They labeled her a ‘problematic girl’. She had a philandering father who dumped his son in the streets, a mentally ill mother gone missing for years, an older brother who was a violent junkie, and a younger brother who grew up in an orphanage. Add it all up…. she could only spell bad news. I had a broken family of my own with a family equally as messed up…. People said it was a recipe for disaster….. But I was stubbornly in love… and gladly, so was she. I took my own wallet out and showed her the picture of my fiancée… beaming with pride.
“You aren’t the only one with good taste you know..” I said and he gave me a smack.
“Hey, you have anyone you can talk to about this problem? You’ll go crazy if you don’t talk about it.”
“No one. No one can know until I get this sorted out.”
If that were so, I was wondering why he was told me in the first place.
“You can’t keep this a secret forever you know. Sooner or later, you’re going to have to let it out in the open… and sometimes, a bit of advice from the outside is useful. The sooner you get this out, the sooner the two of you can start life together properly. ”
“I know. Let me just settle a few things before I let it out.”
I guess I’m a hopeless romantic in some ways. I like believing that true love conquers all…. I said to him:
“Look, not as your colleague but personally, let me say this. Ask yourself if she is worth all this hurdles you’re going to have to face this year – don’t kid yourself, this isn’t going to get fixed so quickly or easily….. you’re going to have to face up to a LOT of shit at home and at work once this gets out. But if you truly love her, and she truly loves you, you will and can go through this together. But you better be damn sure about this love, because if it’s not, your relationship & your entire world will come crumbling down when it matters most.”
He kept silent… I assumed he was giving some thought to what I said.
“People are thinking you’re out having your fun, deliberately ignoring work…. Why can’t you just tell people you’ve got a girlfriend now or something? At least they will know why you’re not around”
“No, if I tell them even a bit, they will start spinning a lot of stories..”
“They are ALREADY making stories right now without you saying a word. And unlike your girl, the stories going around aren’t pretty……. Get it sorted out okay. If there’s one thing I know, your work will always suffer if your personal life is in tatters.”
“I know. I’m experiencing it firsthand. No one knows ok. Only you and one other friend know. Keep this between us OK.”
“OK” If there’s one thing I know how to do… it’s keeping a secret. I had them too. But unlike his, mine are the kind people don’t even know exist.
I reached out and gave him a pat on the back. I didn’t know what else to do. Here he was, a grossly misunderstood man. I felt for him. He was suffering in silence. Everyone was talking behind his back, painting ugly pictures of a hedonistic life he was allegedly living… when the only wrong he has done was to fall in love and keep silent about it.
I looked at him as he sipped his beer. He dreaded what was to come… but I could see he was willing to face it anyway. He was just buying himself time. He looked so scared......yet so brave. I guess love does that to you.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
The 100 Dollar Bill
Around 3 years ago, I left these shores for the very first time to complete my studies in Sheffield.
I was a bundle of nerves. I had no experience traveling overseas, I was doing it alone, and I didn't have nearly as much cash in hand as I would have liked. Just a few weeks before leaving, my aunt who lives in the US came up to me when we were visiting and quietly slipped a 100 US Dollar bill into my hand. "I can't take this money." I said to her. "Just hold on to it. In case you ever find yourself in a tight spot, use it." she told me. I thanked her gratefully and accepted the cash.
I clipped the money in between a book and left a few weeks later. I told myself I would never use that 100 dollar bill unless it was an emergency. For some reason I felt like I wanted to go and come back with that money still in my hand.
By the end of my stay, I felt proud that the bill was still left untouched. I had survived without ever having to resort to that emergency money though I had been tempted to use it on more than 1 occasion.
But something happened in between. I met someone, and an unexpected friendship kind of developed. We spent a lot of time together, and spoke a lot to each other in those times. I think being abroad together without your friends or family, the sense of togetherness & comradeship amongst us sort of took center stage. We cared for each other, watched each others backs, shared meals, shopped together but mostly kept each other company.I remember on my last few week there, there were 3 simple things I told her I wanted before forever leaving - A cup of that cheap but tasty yogurt we'd buy from the local supermarket, a meal & a drink at a local bar called the Bankers Draft..... and lastly, one last evening stroll with her in Norfolk park.... the park we spent so many days playing football, watching others walk their dogs.... the park I had come to love so much. I told myself I'd return and walk those trails again.... hopefully with someone I could explain it's significance to. I'm kinda lame and boring that way you see.
Anyway, I digress. By the end of it all, it was time for me to leave. She was staying back to find some work, hopefully for a year or two. I knew just how much courage it took her to stay back all alone. Most of us were leaving. She and I were close, and I cared a lot about her. But I didn't know how else I could possibly help without actually being there. A lone woman trying to make it all on her own in a foreign land, thousands of miles from home, she had more mettle than most people realized.
She had told me about a favourite book of hers. The first chance I got, I went out and bought that book, as a parting gift for her. And that was when the idea came to me. I took my hundred dollar bill and slipped it in the book I was going to give her. With it, I wrote a thank you note, writing about how much more meaningful these times had been having her around. I explain the origins of my hundred dollar bill and told her it was hers to use in case of emergency. My wish for her was that it would never have to come to that, but if it did, at least it was there. I also said that by the end of her stay, she could either pass it on to someone else who might need it... or she could bring it back to me. I didn't know if she'd take it seriously.
"If that happens, then this note, and our friendship would have come full circle." I said. After that, we said our farewells and parted ways.
Two days ago, a familiar face not seen in 3 years appeared before me, and proudly held out a hundred dollar bill.
I could not help but smile in ear to ear. I don't think anybody understood how meaningful that was to me. To everyone else, it was just someone passing a hundred dollar bill. But to me, it was a full circle 3 years in the making.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Uncovering Audio Diamonds VIII
11 - Standfast - Carcrashes
A drunkard on the side of the road
People running (running)
Fantasy or reality
Analysis and theories
What does matter really?
Tell me what to believe
Won't you bring me order
Tell me what to achieve
Baby, so I can move forward
Tell me what to be
Car crashes, TV shows
A drunkard on the side of the road
People runnin', run
Credit cards in place of distress
Go live your life on the Internet
That's what this is
Conspiracies and mysteries
Science-fiction make-believe
My kind's misery
******************************************************
Friday, April 2, 2010
The Guilt of Spending
I have a disorder.
It's called perpetual-guilt-over-buying-things-for-one's-self syndrome.
I don't know how I got it - only that I do. It usually manifest itself immediately before & long after a purchase is made for myself. Every time I decide to buy something I want but don't need, it comes. It's like I'm doing something wrong, something I shouldn't be doing.
"What do you think you're doing young man? Put that down! You don't need it."
"But it's just one small thing, and I really like it!"
"I see. So you think you can afford splashing money around is it? What's the matter, ordinary stuff ain't good enough for you anymore?"
"No. It's not that. Of course it's good enough for me. I just really really really like this. And I hardly buy things for myself anyway. It's just a small treat for myself. Aren't I entitled to that?"
"Oh sure, yeah. Go ahead. Buy it. Spend. Splurge. Indulge. Just remember, that same money you're spending for your pure leisure could probably put to better use elsewhere, elsewhere as it where it's NEEDED. But don't let me stop you. If your conscience is clear... go ahead man."
".............................................. Damn you. Forget it. I'm going home."
That's both me talking by the way. Needless to say, 9 out of 10 times, I usually walk out of the store empty handed, feeling kinda lousy for doing the right thing. The 1 time that I do buy something, it's usually with mix feelings of guilt and pleasure. It seems I can never win against myself. Maybe I have a multiple personality disorder.
But here's the strangest thing: I feel no such conflict when spending on others. Way too expensive? It's OK. Don't really need it? Don 't care. Will potentially cripple your finances for the next few months? What's money for if not to spend? If the money I spend makes them happy, I become happy too, with no guilt or regret whatsoever. Though sometimes it's the people I spend on that start feeling guilty. I'm wondering if money that comes out of my pocket has special powers that bring guilt to those it's spend on.
We should have just stayed with the barter system. Money's too complicated for my puny mind.
And just in case you're wondering: Yes, I just bought some things for myself and yes, I'm feeling guilty.
It's called perpetual-guilt-over-buying-things-for-one's-self syndrome.
I don't know how I got it - only that I do. It usually manifest itself immediately before & long after a purchase is made for myself. Every time I decide to buy something I want but don't need, it comes. It's like I'm doing something wrong, something I shouldn't be doing.
"What do you think you're doing young man? Put that down! You don't need it."
"But it's just one small thing, and I really like it!"
"I see. So you think you can afford splashing money around is it? What's the matter, ordinary stuff ain't good enough for you anymore?"
"No. It's not that. Of course it's good enough for me. I just really really really like this. And I hardly buy things for myself anyway. It's just a small treat for myself. Aren't I entitled to that?"
"Oh sure, yeah. Go ahead. Buy it. Spend. Splurge. Indulge. Just remember, that same money you're spending for your pure leisure could probably put to better use elsewhere, elsewhere as it where it's NEEDED. But don't let me stop you. If your conscience is clear... go ahead man."
".............................................. Damn you. Forget it. I'm going home."
That's both me talking by the way. Needless to say, 9 out of 10 times, I usually walk out of the store empty handed, feeling kinda lousy for doing the right thing. The 1 time that I do buy something, it's usually with mix feelings of guilt and pleasure. It seems I can never win against myself. Maybe I have a multiple personality disorder.
But here's the strangest thing: I feel no such conflict when spending on others. Way too expensive? It's OK. Don't really need it? Don 't care. Will potentially cripple your finances for the next few months? What's money for if not to spend? If the money I spend makes them happy, I become happy too, with no guilt or regret whatsoever. Though sometimes it's the people I spend on that start feeling guilty. I'm wondering if money that comes out of my pocket has special powers that bring guilt to those it's spend on.
We should have just stayed with the barter system. Money's too complicated for my puny mind.
And just in case you're wondering: Yes, I just bought some things for myself and yes, I'm feeling guilty.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
In Greed We Trust
“A Native American grandfather talking to his young grandson tells the boy he has two wolves inside of him struggling with each other. The first is the wolf of peace, love and kindness. The other wolf is fear, greed and hatred. "Which wolf will win, grandfather?" asks the young boy. "Whichever one I feed," is the reply.”- Native American Proverb
The greed of man. They make me sick. They leave me a nasty aftertaste every time they sing their support in spirit of fairness, cooperation & teamwork. They tell you they only want to help you and do you a favour since they’re such ‘giving’ people. And help you they do. They smoothen the path, take down the barriers & make things go your way. You look good. They look good. Everybody wins. And then, it’s time to pay the piper. It’s called kickback. I scratch your back, you scratch mine. I kicked the ball your way. Now it’s time to kick some back to me.
I’ve seen the eye(s) of greed. It hides behind faces that look just like yours and mine. They talk and laugh just like you and I. They condemn crooks, thieves and cheaters just like you and I. But beneath that well polish public persona, is someone who traded in righteousness, honour and dignity for cold hard cash. Never mind if the livelihood of others gets ruined. Never mind if others suffer on your account. Others already got their cut, now it’s my turn. Let someone else be the morally upright. I just want my money.
I can’t help but feel the irony. It’s the people who have more that want more. The man on the ground, living a simple day to day life has so much less - but does not scheme, cheat or double cross. He does not secretly broker deals for ‘kickback’. He earns his keep honestly & humbly from with his own bare hands. His only concern is to be treated fairly, and with dignity. Dignity - the one and only priceless thing he holds. He looks up to the man above him, in respect & awe. He recognizes their superiority. Younger yes, but intelligent, eloquent, capable, and with so much potential – the kind man he hopes his own son will be some day. Little does he know what lurks in the hearts of these ‘bright young men’. He doesn’t know of their lustful pursuit of money & power. He doesn’t see the wonton greed in their eyes.
The worst part of it is – it spreads. Their greed breeds more greed. Others see what’s happening, and they are shaken. They let go of their own principles. Everyone’s getting some, everyone’s doing it. If I don’t do it, I’m just being stupid. Don’t be a fool - this isn’t the age of honour & trust. We’re not wearing coat of arms, and we aren’t knights in shining armour. It’s the modern age – people look up to wealth, money, power. These days, respect is gain from success, not virtue. Look at the man on the ground. Every tiny cent earned from sweat and toil. Just look how far that got him. Does anyone look up to him & respect him? Is he giving orders or taking it? Honesty the best policy? Come on. Get real.
I sit at the side, quietly observing as the two men meet. They exchange pleasantries.
One thinks the other is the kind of man all men should strive to be, if they’re smart enough.
The other thinks this one is the kind all men should never be, if they’re smart enough.
And I can’t help but think how wrong the both of them are. It should be the other way.
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