Thanksgiving...

So thanksgiving just came and went over in the great USA.

Now, to tell you the truth, I have no idea what Thanksgiving IS, or why they celebrate it at all. Searching the most reliable source ever on the internet Wikipedia, I found this. After reading a few more source, I realized even the people who celebrate thanksgiving don't seem to know where it all started. It's harvest festival, it's a pseudo religious celebration, it's to celebrate American pilgrims surviving a brutal winter, but it's also some celebration of peace between red Indians and the pioneers or something. Don't ask me why people eat Turkey and potatoes. It's the same obscure reason people bake fruit cakes on Christmas... no one really knows.. or want to know. (although I have attempted to find an answer to that too)

From what I know, thanksgiving is a time when family gather round each other, make merry, and have a feast together and start counting their lucky stars for all the things that they have been blessed with in life. Oh, and the President gets to choose one turkey to 'pardon' from the slaughter house and live the rest of it's life as 'First Turkey' or something. Sounds like a wonderful thing to be doing really. Over here in Malaysia, we don't get to pardon a 'First Turkey' or chicken, or cow, or any other assorted poultry. But we do have a time when family travel hundreds of miles just to be sitting next to each other for dinner. And that's usually Christmas, Chinese New Year, Hari Raya... and pretty much all other major holidays. But the idea that at least once a year, families gather around a table, bond, reflect and give thanks (I assume to God) for all that they have... is a BEAUTIFUL thing to do. If only we did it more than just once a year.

If I may digress a bit, don't you think technology today, for all it's wonders and splendor, is still unable to replicate the experience of physically being in the presence of another person? Why do Malaysians,  Americans, and all other peoples of the earth bother to travel hundreds, brave cruel storms, rain, blizzards and typhoons just to sit next to the one they love? Don't you think these people have heard of Skype, or Facebook, twitter, or even email? Why don't they just video call and broadcast dinner over a big screen? But it's not quite the same isn't it? For all the things technology has done for us, there is NOTHING that can replace the human side of bonding. We need each others physically presence. To look into their eyes, to pat them on the shoulder, to hold their hand, to hug them, to kiss them, to hear their voice, to see their expressions etc....It's the only way things like love, trust and understanding can really be cultivated strongly. I have learn in my life that if you sincerely want to know someone, want to care for them, and want to establish a connection with them... meeting is the only and best way. My friend, if you want to care about someone, meet up with them, as often as it is possible.

Anyways, back to the topic of thanksgiving. I'm not celebrating Thanksgiving in anyway. But I do feel compelled to list down things that I am grateful for. Things I want to thank God for in my life. Here are some of the things:

1. Family.

Yes, I'm grateful for my family, as dysfunctional as it may be today. I'm grateful that my mother is alive and well, that she's much happier now that she has even been for the past 15 years. I'm grateful that my father is out of his (various) marriage crisis.. and that I have him close to me, to just be a dad. I'm grateful to have an older brother, who although is a bit too idealistic and dreamy for my taste sometimes, remains only and most constant source of brotherly love for me. 

2. Loving Fiancee

Don't worry, I'm not going to go on and on about how great a girl I'm with. I'll just say that many a days, I have to pinch myself just to check if I'm dreaming. Truth be told, I never really thought I could love a person the way I love her now. The thought of her makes me smile. The sight of her makes me melt. And her love and support to me is a big reason why I am the person I am today. She says she's a lucky girl... and it seems people seem to repeat that to her too. But people don't know. They don't know, it's really ME that's lucky. I'm a mess without her.. a fact has become just sooOo evident to me in recent weeks / days.

3. Friends.

If I were to start counting to you the friends that truly mean something to me, it won't reach more than 10 fingers. I don't know why I don't have more friends. OK, maybe I do. I'm picky with friends. I don't like just hanging out with just anybody... because frankly, I can't care for so many people. So I pick and choose. And for the ones that I choose to try making friends with, I am so grateful that they reciprocate that friendship and care. The thing about these sort of friends are... you don't always get to be around them all the time.. but you just know that the care about you.. and you hope to God that they know you do too.... I know maybe I'm a bit too young to be telling these sort of 'fatherly' advise kinda thing.. but I have learned that as you grow older, making new friends gets harder and harder. And finding genuine ones that are for keeps.. is EVEN harder. Keep those you find precious to you in your heart. And if you can, go the extra mile to let them know you care. You can't assume people 'just know'.

4. The person that I am

For pretty much my entire life, I've never been able to be entirely comfortable with the person that I am. Not ever now post puberty. Half the time, I'm terrified of being too ordinary and mediocre. And the other half is spent actually believing I AM ordinary and mediocre. I've always had complaints about myself. Too serious, too boring, too fat, too passive, too plain, and the biggest one of all... too nice. I always wished I was better looking, or more charming, or more rugged and macho. I think it's one of my insecurities. In response to that, someone said this to me in a letter.

"You have a charm too, you know? You just don’t realise that when girls say you are nice, they are actually charmed by you. There is no equivalent word to describe how they feel, so they’ll say you are nice. I’m a girl and I know what they mean when they say so. Nice people are nice to be with and please don’t think girls don’t fall for nice guys. It’s a misconception."

That did make me feel somewhat better of myself (though I'd sooner die before acknowledging any of the above) and it also made me think a bit more about what I was really complaining about here. Being the person that I am today has opened doors for me. It helped me gain trust, love and respect in work and in my personal life. Being the person that I am has won me a few caring friends here and there. Being the person that I am also won me the heart of the woman who wrote the above letter to me. The one that I finally asked her hand for in marriage. So at least for today, and for as long as this feeling will last, I'm going to stop complaining about everything that I'm not and be thankful for being the person I am instead of beating myslf up over everything that I am not.


5. Others

This list can be either very short.. or very long. There are plenty of other things I give thanks for... some big...some petty. So, to keep this post short here are a few short and concise 'honourable mentions' so to speak. I'm grateful and give thanks for:

- my job (and pretty much everything having an income has managed to provide me)
- my boss (yes, really. For giving me a job of course)
- my completed education
- my complete freedom to blog as I like
- my health
- my sense of humour
- my good luck (in getting away with naughty stuff. haha)
- my uncanny ability to always find parking (it's true!)
- random people who've helped me in my life
- random people who've been following my blog
- not being materialistic
- not having to go through National Service
- not being obese
- not born with any weird deformities.
- not being born a girl (this one' just a joke ok)
- not being forced to buy a pink shirt
- not really caring too much about what I wear, or how I look.
- having random strangers think I'm actually interesting enough to get to know
- having a nice home cooked meal waiting at home in the evenings.
- having the complete freedom to go wherever, whenever.
- having parents that listen to me instead of telling me what to do (this is actually a real bonus)

I know it's only too easy to fall into that trap of wanting the tings we do not have. But it's not too hard to count your blessings either. Here's some quotes that really spoke to me that spurred me to stop whining and start giving thanks.

“I would rather be able to appreciate things I cannot have than to have things I am not able to appreciate.” Elbert Hubbard

“Gratitude consists of being more aware of what you have, than what you don’t.”

–Unknown

Cheers.. and happy thanksgiving everyone.

Uncovering Audio Diamonds IV

More Free Music at MP3-Codes.com

There are some songs and artists that sort of reach cult status for different groups of people for different reasons. One group I want to highlight are people who have taken an interest in learning how to play the guitar. Now, I don't know how true this still is today, but knowing how to play the guitar can be a real added bonus if you've just reached puberty and you need a trick or two to charm the ladies. If you're good looking, you're lucky. If you can play also play the guitar, you're lucky and cool. If you're good looking, you play the guitar, AND you can sing... you my friend... have all 3 major ingredients you need to charm the ladies. Unfortunately, people are either born with good looks or are not. And with vocals, you either have it, or you don't.

So really, for guys (like me) who neither have good looks nor a decent voice, the only thing you can pick up up through sheer determination and hard work is to learn how to play the guitar. You could still charm the ladies... provided you make sure they look away, and you don't sing when playing the guitar.

Anyway, like I was saying, some songs seem to elevate to cult status by groups of people. For those who learn how to play the guitar, songs like Wonderwall from Oasis, More than Words by Extreme,  and Tears in Heaven by Eric Clapton are just some songs have stood the test of time and reach cult status among guitarist even if the main stream seem to have all forgotten about them. A more recent one would be I'm yours by Jason Mraz. You can be sure that one will be played by many a guitarist for many years to come. Any self respecting guitar play would have at least 1 or 2 of these sort of songs they longed to learn and emulated. For me personally, one of the biggest motivation I had teaching myself how to play the guitar was this song you're listening to now. It's called Time of your life (Good riddance) by Greenday. It's a beautiful song.. with incredibly simple chords..except when you actually try to strum it.. then you realize it's not that simple after all! I spent a good many hours sitting in front of my CD playing repeating the song over and over again, trying to catch the beat and the strumming. And when I finally go the hang of it.. I swear I thought I was ready for my own little concert. LOL...

The song is actually quite a departure from the usual songs Greenday do (alternative / punk rock).. and this one is really considered one of the most acoustic songs from them. It is to me, one of their BEST songs to date. I've been listening to it for years.. and still not bored of it yet.

The lyrics are sort of a bon voyage, goodbye song. You can read about it here. I LOVE the lyrics. They're my kind of lyrics. An interesting thing about this song is that it was written for his ex-girfriend who was leaving.. and he was trying to be level headed and wish her well on her way (thus the well intended lyrics).. but when he realized that he was still a bit bitter he added the words Good Riddance in the title.

Whatever it is. I do believe never to burn bridges when it is not necessary. You might never know how things will work out in the future.. so never shut the door entirely on people.. even if you think in some ways you might have been hurt by them.

Hope you enjoy the song and have a good weekend everybody...

Another turning point;
a fork stuck in the road.

Time grabs you by the wrist;
directs you where to go.

So make the best of this test
and don't ask why.

It's not a question
but a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs
and still frames in your mind.

Hang it on a shelf
In good health and good time.

Tattoos of memories
and dead skin on trial.

For what it's worth,
it was worth all the while.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

(music break)

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

I hate feeling needy...

It's funny how things can change over the course of just one month.

One month ago I felt strong. I felt capable. I felt like come what may, I'm able to weather the storm. "Why worry so much, you've been through worse my boy. This should be chicken feed for you. Being alone is no big deal. The entire population of single people live life alone, so stop being such a baby. You spent the first 17 years of your life alone ANYWAY." I told myself.

Today, I woke up feeling silly and stupid and deflated.I felt like just lying in bed the entire day. Just lay there. Don't answer any calls. Don't check any mails. Don't talk to anyone. Just wallow in my sense of numbness. Maybe they were right. Maybe I'm NOT fine. Maybe I do need to mourn or whatever and get over it so that I can stop feeling this way.

But what the hell am I supposed to do anyway? Grab the next person willing to listen and cry my heart out? No way dude. 4 shots of whiskey and a jug of beer later maybe, but not while I still have my head screwed on my shoulders.

I think I've been trying to put on a brave face. I've been going out with people, listening to their problems, empathizing, sharing.. you know, that sort of shit. You'll be surprised how much I have immersed myself in the worries and cares of others... even people I've only come to know recently. But I've also gone through great lengths to conceal the raw emotions still very much present in my heart. I thought by focusing my mind and my heart of others, I won't have to face what I feel inside. But It's hard to lie to yourself. It's hard to play pretend with your own heart.

I think I've pretty much covered in my previous post about being lonely. But the thing that scared the shit out of me this morning was that I just realized..... how needy and vulnerable I really am in my current state. I know it's quite an 'un-manly' thing to be saying (or experiencing). 'Needy' and 'vulnerable' are after all feelings often associated with women (no offense k). But if a woman is allowed to admit that she's horny these days, isn't a man allowed to admit that he is needy?

I searched and searched my heart late into the night yesterday, and when I woke up, I felt like I had some semblance of an answer of what I'm feeling of late. And it was that I am emotionally in a needy and vulnerable state. It's like I'm reaching out trying to grab at something... anything.... just something to cling on to. Just to feel like I have my back against something again.. just to feel like I'm not half a human being,

I don't like the way I am right now. I don't like feeling so needy and vulnerable. I don't like finding myself craving for affection from just anyone at all. That's why I did not want to wake up this morning. I did not want to have to talk to people and find myself longing to be cared for by them. Cared for in more than the usual way, you know what I mean? Half the time, I'm confused if I'm craving for affection from specific people, or just for some affection. PERIOD. I feel......................weak.

It's my heart playing tricks on me again.

Stories of my mother...

I realize I haven't said anything about my mother in a while now.

That's a good thing actually. It means that nothing has happened of late that been so overwhelming that I am compelled to write about it. I realize that this is one of the best years we've had with regards to my mother's well being. No mental relapses, no running away, no fighting against medication. She has been behaving well.

A far cry from the turbulent times of the previous years really. I don't quite know how or what to share with people when talking about my mother sometimes.

The facts are often the easiest to tell; she suffered from depression then schizophrenia. Her husband left her for another woman. Her children was taking away from her. She spent 12 years of her life alone, penniless and wishing every single day that her children were with her. Her children grew up and took her in to their home but she ran away repeatedly out of some impulse deeply ingrained in her mind. She spend almost a year living on the streets with nothing but the cloths on her back and random useless items seemed adamant on carrying with her. She was hit by a lorry and left for dead in a pool of her own blood. But she did not die. She lived, and her sons took her in, swearing to do whatever it took to keep her safe from now on. She now lives in a shelter home and spends her weekends with them and she badgers them every single week to take her out.

But God knows in between those half a dozen lines, so much more has happened.

Hospital admissions were always painful. How do you explain how it feels when you are torn between letting her go at her will, or forcefully admitting her into a hospital for her own good? "If you love me, you would not do this to me." she once said to me. "Because I love you, I need to do this." I said. But she just looked at me, full of scorn and anger. In that state, I knew she would not understand my reasoning. She was not well. I knew I wasn't supposed to take her words to heart. But it still hurt.

Forcing medication was also a traumatic experience. I had to be home every single night at a specific hour to give her her medicines. I would give her the tablets and the cup of water and watch her swallow them. Then I'd make her stick her tongue out and inspect that she had no secretly hid in underneath her tongue or in the cup. I could never keep my eye off her too while she was holding the medicine. Half a second was all it took to quietly fling the tablet far away. It got worse when she openly refused. An hour of shouting, screaming, pleading, negotiating, reasoning still ultimately ended in us having to physically force feed her. I felt more like a prison guard than a son.

Her being missing was perhaps the worse. There was this one period in my life where I wasn't even sure if she was alive. I knew she was homeless. I knew she was penniless. I knew she was living on the streets. I just didn't how long she would last. I dreaded the sight of any homeless people on the street, because it reminded me of her. She would usually call. But there had not been one from her for over 2 months. My brother and I made a missing persons report at the nearby police station. The police obliged, but with her being mentally ill and no ID on her, they might not even know it's her even if they did find her. My heart wasn't quite ready for the worst possibility, though I certainly thought about it. Every Sunday, there was only one prayer on in my heart. "Let her be safe and alive, dear God."

But like I said, these are stories from earlier years. There has been none of it this year and it has turn out to be one of the least traumatic years I've had in recent times. Hopefully, the worst is over.

These days, I'm content to just chatting with her more about embarrassing childhood moments and her younger days as a staff nurse. We take her out to shopping malls for dinners and buying groceries. If you see a 20 something Chinese dude walking around Midvalley with a middle aged lady clinging on to his hands with and walking with a slight limp, that's us. All wounds need time to heal and to me this was our period of healing. 

For the moment, life seems pretty alright.

Uncovering Audio Diamonds III

More Free Music at MP3-Codes.com

Did you watch the movie Music & Lyrics starrying Huge Grant and Drew Barrymore? I love that show. Something about the way dry humour is peppered around the whole show (thanks in no small part to Hugh Grant''s british wit actually) just makes me smile a lot throughout the movie. I'm a big fan of dry humour. If you hang around with me enough, you might come to realize that a lot of the jokes I make, are dry in nature. You either get it, or you don't. If you have to explain it... it's not too fun anymore, unless that person catches it quickly. The problem is, not many people get dry jokes, because firstly, it takes a certain level of mastery of language to get the 'inside' joke, and the person telling the joke, and the one listening, but roughly on the save frequency. Anyway, I digress.

There is this one scene in music and lyrics where Alex Fletcher (the composer) and Sophie Fisher (the lyricist) talk about which part of a song makes it good. Here's the dialogue:

Alex Fletcher: It doesn't have to be perfect. Just spit it out. They're just lyrics.
Sophie Fisher: "Just lyrics"?
Alex Fletcher: Lyrics are important. They're just not as important as melody.
Sophie Fisher: I really don't think you get it.
Alex Fletcher: Oh. You look angry. Click your pen.
Sophie Fisher: A melody is like seeing someone for the first time. The physical attraction. Sex.
Alex Fletcher: I so get that.
Sophie Fisher: But then, as you get to know the person, that's the lyrics. Their story. Who they are underneath. It's the combination of the two that makes it magical.

Apart from loving the part where Alex goes "I so get that", I think what Sophie said there was quite true. For me personally, songs with words that mean something stick around so much longer. Songs with well written lyrics tend to carry more weight with me. Don't get me wrong, I love Poker face by Lady Gaga as much as the next person, but it kinda gets stale pretty quickly because of the lack of depth.  It doesn't have to be the most brilliant, mind blowing lyrics ever before you call it good. Lyrics aren't about telling you what the author thinks, or what his opinions are, they are there to reflect how they feel, and the melody is there to emphasize the words....... and you just know... every one of us are touchy feeling creatures.  If you can capture that essence in melody, you have a beautiful song right there.

This song you hear is by Sophie B Hawkins called As I lay me down. I'm pretty sure everyone's forgotten this song because it's almost 15 years old. I wanted to share it because, well, I think it's a beautiful song... with equally beautiful and simple lyrics. Enjoy.

It felt like spring time
On this February morning
In the courtyard
Birds were singing your praise
I'm still recalling things you said
To make me feel alright
I carried them with me today
Now

As I lay me down to sleep
This I pray
That you will hold me dear
Though I'm far away
I'll whisper your name
Into the sky
And I will wake up happy

I wonder why I feel so high
Though I am not above the sorrow
Heavy hearted
Till you call my name
And it sounds like church bells
Or the whistle of a train
On a summer evening
I'll run to meet you
Barefoot barely breathing

It's not too near for me
Like a flower I need the rain
Though it's not clear to me
Every season has its change
And I will see you
When the sun comes out again

Loneliness...

 You see a funny clip. It's hilarious. You burst out laughing. The joke really cracks you up. You turn you side, and realize there's no one to tell. You just had a fight. It hurts. Tears roll down your cheeks, Your heart feels like it's been stabbed with a thousand needles. You turn to your side, and you realize, there's no one to listen.

Friends will keep you sane, Love could fill your heart, A lover can warm your bed, But lonely is the soul without a mate.

David Pratt

Loneliness.... We've all been there at some point in our life I guess. If you've never been lonely in your life, good for you. You've save yourself some pretty gut wrenching emotions. But it also means... something is wrong with you. Seriously, go see a doctor, and get your heart checked (if it's even there). If you haven't experienced loneliness, it either means you're so completely self sufficient you are incapable of emotions, thus deeming you dysfunctional, or you are actually a cyborg from the future trying kill the one man that is the only hope of survival for all mankind (Terminator anyone?).....

Loneliness.... It makes you feel hollow. You go through the motions of life; brush you teeth, eat you food, do your chores, get your work done, pick your nose, you cry at movies, you laugh at jokes, you get pissed off at noisy hawkers who live downstairs of you and can't seem to shut up 7a.m in the morning when you're trying to sleep. But something is missing inside. Something that you just know, if was there, would make brushing your teeth, eating your food, picking your nose and feeling pissed off 7a.m in the morning that bit more meaningful.....as silly as that sounds. And that something is called companionship. When you feel companionship in your life, nothing feels too big, too small or too trivial a matter to share, and sharing makes us feel... ALIVE. That's why people who are lonely walk around like they were part zombie... they're not dead.. but they don't feel quite alive.


Loneliness.... Makes you feel detached from the world. You could talk to hundreds of people, you could be surrounded by them all day.... and still feel completely alone. Yes, you aren't sulking, or crying, or wrapping yourself in the corner crying your heart out. Your heart doesn't sit in your chest feeling like a sea in turbulent storms. Nothing like that at all. What DOES it  feel like then? I'll tell you...it feels like a lone, deserted and barren wasteland. A eerie and quiet silence envelopes it... and that's the only thing you really hear. Silence. And maybe your voice when it says "I'm alone." But you don't say it, because there's no one there to listen anyway.

Loneliness.... Makes you yearn. Nobody wants to be lonely. Given a choice, no one would choose to feel lonely. They'd choose to be ALONE yes, but never to be lonely. It's much like happiness. What if someone came up to you and say "I don't want to be happy. I want to be miserable and sad." What would be the right answer to something like that? Simple..."Go ahead, be miserable and sad then. If it makes you happy!" It's a universal desire. Similarly, no one WANTS to be lonely. And so you yearn for this feelings of loneliness to go away. How do you get rid of loneliness? By finding companionship. You look for someone to talk to. You look for someone to listen to. You look for someone to just sit there by your side. You look for connection. You look for company. But the real underlying thing is, you look for something that spurs your heart, and make you feel a bit more alive.

Loneliness.... makes you vulnerable. Very vulnerable. You feel like you have nothing to depend on. You feel like if something happened, there was no one to turn to. You feel like you're one leg short. It makes you feel needy. And when you feel needy... you feel vulnerable. And when you feel vulnerable, you feel... scared. Which is bad, because how many people want to be around a needy, vulnerable and frightened person? But in your loneliness, you are constantly trying to reach out to people, more so than you normally would. You reach out for connection and a sense of belonging. You want to feel like you belong again. You don't want to feel like an island. But you are fearful because it seems like it's only you who wants this connection. It's only you who's so eager to establish that link. You want to feel a sense of belonging with them, but it stops there. They want no sense of belonging with you.

I'm sorry... I think I've been misleading you. Because in all of the above... as I talked and talked about how loneliness makes 'you' feel, what it does to 'you'... I was really talking about 'me'.

Good night dear world....

Random questions I woke up with, that begged answering.

I woke up this morning (ok, it wasn't morning, more like afternoon) with some question in my head. Late night mamak session with someone suddenly made me start thinking about all these questions again, not that I had any good answers for them. The reason behind all this questions was that the person I was having drinks with was coming from a completely different kind of life to mine. A well provided (read wealthy), stable family, no mental problems, no scandalous affairs and marriages, no controversial religious conversions. And me? Well, it's too long to write out all over again, but it's not unlike one of those spanish melodrama's you see on TV. And when I told this person half my story, her mouth was agape, and she was completely stoned. Because up till that point, she was just ranting on and on the whole night about how shitty her life was. After I went home, I thought about it a bit more, before collapsing in bed. I had just talked about it briefly to another person days earlier... and when woke up, this was on my mind.

1. Do you think God is fair?

Is God a fair god? Yes I do believe that. God is fair. Fair as in eye for an eye, limb for limb, reward for merit, punishment for offense. That's what fair means to me. But more than fair, the God I believe in is merciful. Reward for merit, but also forgiveness and pardon for offense for those who ask for it.

2. Do you think life is fair?

Not a fat chance. Yes, I know God created life, and by that token, life should be fair. But it's not. The problem with God is... his sense of fairness and our sense of fairness doesn't add up. He thinks in terms of the grand scale of the universe, and for eternity, transcending all sense of time, space, life and death. Whereas we mere mortals, we're just thinking about wanting a fairness, in life on earth. It's funny, because as we are born into this life, we all grow up with a sense of fairness in our hearts, until we learn the ways of the world. Some have babies with silver spoons in their mouth, others have babies born into a family, already half starving, barely making it through. Bad things happen to good people.. and good things happen to bad people. Life isn't always fair, not by a long shot.

3. Do you think that everyone gets their fair share of easiness and hardship in their life?

You might find, that a question like this is usually asked by people have gone through more hardship in life than the normal average person. Does life's hardship and ease balance out nicely on the balance scale?

People who have been having an easy life would probably answer you that life is fair. But strangely, I wonder if these 'lucky' people ever stop to worry if their exceeding 'luckiness' might somehow be a indicating that things will be bad in the future, in all 'fairness'? If you think life is fair, and you've been so privileged to enjoy the easy parts of life so far, aren't you worried that 'you turn is up' to suffer?

People who've been less fortunate in life on the other hand, always tell you life is not fair (because they've tasted the unfairness of it all). But they still have this perpetual hope that for their exceeding unluckiness and hardship in life, some blessing and ease will surely bound to come their way in the future, in all 'fairness'. My question then is: If you don't think life is fair, what makes you think you're now due for some 'good and easy' times any time soon or at all for the matter?

You get my drift? 

4. Do you think the 'lucky' ones are leading a happier life compared tho 'unfortunate' ones?

Oddly enough, No... For the longest period of my life, I thought that so many people led happier lives than me because they were well provided for. They had normal functioning parents, they had all they needed, they could ask for all they wanted. I thought that because they were 'luckier', they were happier. These lucky ones... they had all their basic needs, food, shelter, home, cloths, family, but they weren't happy. They had many other bases covered, education, gadgets, travels, holidays, everything you could possibly need and want, and yet they weren't happy. They complain about money, or the lack of it, they complained about their parents, they complained about their education, they complained about their jobs, there was always something to complain about. My question inevitably was, how can you say you aren't happy when you haven't had to suffer through life?

I realized, that happiness is a state of mind. Happiness is perspective. I'm not saying anyone can be happy just by changing the way you see things overnight. I wish I could, but it doesn't work that way. Sometimes, grievances are genuine, and unhappiness, warranted. (You're about to disappointed if you think I'm about to give you the secret to happiness in the next few lines. I'm not.) But I did at some point in my life come to a realization that despite all the hardships I have faced in life, I was leading a happier life compared to those whom I considered luckier than me. Or at least, I somehow still managed to find moments to be happy about. I was more content with my life, despite having lesser than them, and suddenly, I felt lucky. Lucky for being able to do more with less. Lucky to be able to be happy, despite it all. I don't know why people who have it all in life still struggle to find happiness. I don't know why people like me, who have been through hell and back, somehow still manage to find it....I don't know. Maybe some are blessed with more grateful hearts than others, maybe some are blessed with better insight. But that's a question for another day. But personally for me, I no longer need to wait until I have everything I want, before I'm allowed to start feeling happy. I'm happy because I know what I have, and the value of it. Because I have suffered before, I have learned how to be happy. Every item, every friend, every gesture, every moment is something worth cherishing. If I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth, and always ever had everything I want and needed, I wouldn't know a good thing even if it hit me right in the face.... and the only way to go is down.

So yeah, in and odd kind of way, I think unlucky people, provided they are blessed with the right perspective, are better equipped to lead happier lives. Scarred and wounded lives maybe, but happier none the less.

Anyway, I'll share something else with you. The way I view life, it's pain and it's sufferings today have been very much influenced by this book called Where is God when it Hurts, by Philippe Yancey. It was given to me by some years back by someone that at the time I did not know I would eventually call the sister I never had. I can't remember if I left HER mouth agape too after telling my story, but for one reason or another, she gifted me with this book and it forever changed the way I viewed my life and the sufferings I went through, the ones I was going through at the time, and the ones that I will in the future. I still keep that book today, with her little scribbled note neatly folded inside. But I'm actually waiting. Waiting for my chance, to bless someone else with this very book. I want to give it away; to someone who, just like me, was in a time and place where I was grappling and struggling to find MEANING to all the pain and suffering I was going through. And I found that meaning, I found my answer... in this book. For that, I'm eternally grateful, because I know in my heart, that finding that answer.. finding that meaning, changed my life. If YOU are hurting, if YOU are struggling to find meaning, I want to give this book to you. 

Have a good weekend everyone.

Uncovering Audio Diamonds II

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Thanks to the author of the comment on my previous post for your comments, as well as recommending those 2 songs, When You Come Back Down by Nickel Creek and DNA by Enter The Haggis. I found the song from Nickel Creek, but couldn't find the other one. Beautiful song! Thanks!

I know the whole worlds probably divided into two categories.. those who love and swear by ABBA songs.. and those who are convinced ABBA's songs are the work of the devil (for it's sheer cheesiness sometimes).... But you can't deny ABBA has made one of the biggest impacts on modern music. Nevermind that the members all eventually married each other, got divorced, went on solo careers, married into royalty, and produced musical spin offs of their songs earning tonnes of money. Have you seen MAMA MIA? It's probably the only song which movies and theater performances were around, instead of the other way i.e. songs are written / sang FOR the movie instead.

One of my favourite songs from them is this one you are listening to Thank you for the musc. There has been countless cover versions and remake of the song, but this one is my favourite.  Clear, simple, beautiful and a somewhat different take from the original. It's taken from the soundtrack of MAMA MIA the movie that came out some time this year (or was it last year?). I first head it at the cinema, when the closing credits were showing, and this song was put up. I sat and listen to the entire song, till I was the last one left!And here's the funny part. The lady singing the song, Amanda Seyfried..... she's actually an actor, not a singer! Not bad eh?

No lyrics needed for a song like this I'm sure.

Enjoy!

Uncovering Audio Diamonds

More Free Music at MP3-Codes.com


Here's the thing about me... I'm kinda outdated when it comes to the latest trends, latest starts, latest movies, latest gossip, latest artist.... and mostly... latest songs.

In fact, I stopped chasing the latest, newest, hippest songs on the radio, or on the charts or whatever sometime after I finished school. From then on, I just listened to whatever came along that sounded good to me. And it so happened that a lot of them were all songs from yesteryears. I started to enjoy uncovering songs that were released years ago, that everyone seems to have forgotten about, washed away in the waves of the newest, hippest but not necessarily better songs. I feel like an archeologist, uncovering a long lost gem, underneath the heap of trash that make up 90% of todays pop songs. It feels like such a waste for these under rated but excellent songs to be forgotten in time. I realized that people just no more than 4~5 years my junior don't know songs that I listened to when I was that age!!



The song I thought of all of a sudden today was this one playing by the Backstreet Boys called That's what she said. Yes, its a boy band. Yes, Backstreet Boys (a.k.a Backside Boys for the haters). I know plenty of people think they were super cheesy, which was probably true to certain extent. I remember the way the girls in my class were ALL THE RAGE about Nick and Brian and Howie D and AJ and Kevin (gosh, I can name all of them!!) with their washboard abs and boyish good looks. But they did come up with some pretty memorable and beautiful songs la. These days, 16 year old girls seem to prefer the likes of David Archuleta more. (not even sure how to spell his name).


This one was never released as a single, but it's one of my favourites from them.

On a side note, my playlist is starting to get a bit stale.. So, if you've got a song in your head, that IS GOOD, please recommend them to me! If you're going to, please recommend specific songs. I don't usually listen to entire albums. Old, new, rock, jazz, swing, pop, country, Folk, Malay, Chinese, English, Cantonese, Spanish, French... and even Tamil.... whatever will do. The only condition is, you've got to genuinely like it yourself before recommending it to me OK.

Enjoy.

Yeah yeah yeah yeah

there are people who say what you wanna hear
even on a rainy day they'll tell you the sky is clear
when you really really love someone am i right
when i say that you want them near
and if you care you even tell them things
that they wanna hear

'always for ever'
one thing she said
'never say never'
the simple lies that she said
'i will never leave you'
all the love i thought she had

but can you blame me no
cause thats what she said
thats what she said
she told me we'd see forever
thats what she said she said yeah

there are people
who say what they really mean
she said she'd always be there
she said she'd always care
but just when you think that you can trust that someone you love
tell me why do i know that stars can fall from above

cause you made promises that you couldn't keep (ooo)
but you're not hurting yourself
you're only hurting me
why would you say things that you really didn't mean
oh how can i make you see just what you did to me

ooh you said how much you really care
just when i thought i was in love
girl how could you care
if i were you i could not lie even once to the face of the one
that i love so much

Caring for the mentally ill.....

Most mom's pull they children away....

Most men instinctively become a bit more guarded....

Most women take a good five steps away, in quick paces....

"Ah boy, come closer to me. Don't go near that man. He's crazy one." the mom's typically tell.

Ever come across a homeless crazy man on the street? The kind that walks around, sleeps by the road side, dirty, grimy, completely out of touch with the world. Well, these are the usual reactions. People shun them. People hide from them. I see one every now and then, near to where I live.


These people who say and do such things and shun these crazy people; they think they are the ones in danger. They think they are the ones who should be afraid. They think they need some sort of protection from these ‘crazy people’. But the reality…………..is quite the opposite.

What do I do? I bite my lips. I turn away. My heart aches. I try not to think about it.


I woke up this morning feeling this very need to share this, so just bare with me OK.

There is a very negative stigma surrounding people who suffer from mental illness.

When we hear that someone we know is ill and down with fever, flue, heart problems, diabetes, cancer etc, sympathy usually pours in. But more than sympathy, support pours in. People show up, people call, people contribute, people pray…. they all come out in full strength to be there for the one who’s ill and his family. We all identify with it, and we all want to be there for them.

But when you hear that someone is suffering from mental illness, people become jittery. They first pour out sympathy… but it stops there. People don’t know what to do. People don’t know what to say. People don’t know how to help. And in a ironic way, it is the people who suffer physical illnesses who receive greater emotional care and support while those who are mentally ill, and their families are left….. to suffer in silence… even if the fact remains that they need it more.

Why suffer in silence? Because there is somehow also a taboo surrounding mental illness. It’s not something you talk about openly. It’s not something you admit willingly. People who have physical illnesses are treated as if an unavoidable, unfortunate calamity has befallen them. Aide and support pours in like how the world does when there is an earthquake, or tsunami or typhoon. But people who have mental illnesses are again treated differently. Whether or not people are willing to admit it, mental patients are treated more like THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THEM. They are treated like a walking disease instead of a victim. People stay far far away, because the person seems to BE the calamity. I see it in their side glances, I see it in their muted expressions. And as a result, mentally ill people and even their families start to believe that ‘something is wrong with them’.  A sense of guilt, and SHAME follows them for as long as the disease is there. And I tell you, some mental diseases can last a LIFETIME.

For the mentally ill people, they feel embarrassed that they themselves are not ‘normal’ like other people. They make up excuses on why they aren’t around on days they have to go for their monthly injection and follow up. They are constantly terrified if people notice the severe side effects of their medication. And they sometimes become so convinced that people treat them with less respect, and less dignity, because they know these people are mentally ill.

And the families, especially if they are children..… seldom talk about it to outside people. In fact, they try avoiding talking about their families all together. While other people have moms who cook, clean and fetch the kids, or dads the work, earn and bring them to amusement parks, their mothers are either lock up in the mental ward, violent, behaving abnormally or missing for 2 years. And as a kid, you don’t know how to explain it. You don’t know that mental illness is as much a medical problem as it is a psychological problem, you don’t know that there is nothing to be ashamed about. And as kids, your friends don’t know any better when they blurt out “Oh, mak engkau gila ke?”… and in doing so, degrade your beloved family member down to the level of the crazy homeless man who wonder the streets aimlessly. Do you know how that feels for a child?

And as people grow up…. the issue gets buried even deeper. As a teen, you want to be accepted, you want to be normal. Teens around the world struggle through the phase of defining who they are, and what they are about. They are just learning to be comfortable in their own skin. If that teen has a case of mental illness in his / her family… you can bet, it gets shoved under the carpet. Don’t blame them… because even as adults, mental illness problems are difficult to deal with, what more for those who’ve had to grow up with it. It's hard enough for most people to grow up even in a normal family (but then again, is there even such a thing as a normal family?) without having to deal with a family member who's not fully sane. Sometimes, friends do seem to care…… but are often too shy to ask, or just like any other person, they aren't sure how to approach the issue.

I’m not here to condemn anyone. I’m not here to try to tell you how to behave in future. And I'm certainly not trying to educate you on mental illnesses. I’m just telling you all this, the way it is, the way I have seen it in my life. I know because it happened in my family, we suffered in silence, we unnecessarily carried the shame, we put up with the stares, the insensitive remarks, the sweeping under the carpet, the lack of understanding, the lack of support.

There are more people who face these sort of problems than you realize. The only reason it doesn't seem so is because these families are usually very discreet about it. Society often looks up to high achievers, and champions and shining examples of human excellence. We celebrate and idolize them; the richest, the strongest, the fastest, the most intelligent. And those who are visibly disabled, injured or unfortunate are treated sensitively and with more respect. But there is a group of people, who's problems and disabilities are invisible to the eye, and they are sadly overlooked.... and worse.... deemed an outcast. These are, people who live with mental illnesses.

So, the next time you see a seemingly crazy homeless man or woman wandering the streets. Be kind in what you think, and what you say to the people around you, have a heart. You may think this person is dangerous, dirty and diseased.... but he / she needs more love and more care than all of us combined. And he may just be related..... to someone you know.

It was the camera I was supposed to own..

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I met up with some friends yesterday.

Official purpose of meet : Catch up with friends.

REAL purpose of meet : My friend just wanted to show off his new toy.

You see, boys never really grow up. We stop sticking our fingers up our noses and then into our mouth by the time we're 12 years old, but that's about it. And the thing we NEVER EVER grow out of, is our need for toys. Our toys only get bigger, more sophisticated, and more expensive.

So, you see, despite not having seen each other for a good 3 or 4 months, the real reason we were all huddled up in the coffee house again, was because he wanted to show off his new toy, and well, we wanted to play with his new toy. It's a fair trade you see. You get to gloat over it, and we get to tinker and full around with it.

To go into the details (just so you know, if you aren't into gadgets and camera's and stuff, this is going to get kinda boring).. he had just got himself a RM4000 plus Nikon D90 DSLR because about 3 months ago, he told he needed a better camera to take better pictures. He also said he was really interested in photography and wanted to learn more. Actually, what he REALLY wanted was just to look so damn cool strutting around with a big, sturdy, professional looking camera and having a new toy to play with.

I've seen this before, 4 years ago in college, when he bough his first digital camera. 2 of them bought themselves a camera, and for like 3 months, started taking pictures of EVERY DAMN THING. Us in class, us eating lunch, us walking to school, us buying groceries, us hanging around, us slurping on noodles, us looking at him playing his camera. It was so damn ANNOYING!! And he didn't even know how to take a decent shot. 6 months later, the fad dies down, and he got bored of his toys, and for the next 2 years or so, the camera only came out on occasions, or during birthdays.

The thing is..............

This guy doesn't know a damn thing about cameras or photography. White balance could be a Klu Klux Klan motto and he wouldn't even know the difference. Shutter speed would probably be how fast NASA launches their rockets to space and the word 'bokeh' could be something about a bundle of flowers for all he knew. He bought the camera because people said DSLR's take better pictures, because people said the Nikon D90 is THE camera to have. And after hearing that another one of our friends working in Abu Dhabi already got his a few weeks ago, he just HAD to get his. SO DAMN KIASU.

And so, one of the purpose he ask me out specifically and not someone else, was because he wanted me to teach him a few things about his DSLR.

Can you believe that? He. wants ME. to teach him. about. HIS. DSLR.

I don't. Even. OWN. A. FREAking. DSLR.
(What makes you think I could teach you ANYTHING? And why did u buy it if you don't even know what it does?)


The worst part of it all is........ the Nikon D90... was the camera I WAS WANTING TO GET FOR THE LONGEST TIME SINCE IT CAME OUT. I had devoured every single juicy details I could get my hands on that freaking camera. It was the toy I coveted. It was the toy I wanted so badly. Photography to me isn't so much a serious hobby....... just like him, I just wanted to take nice pictures too. But can I safely say I was certainly more into it than he ever was / is. Subsequently, after admitting I could not afford a D90 anytime soon, I downgraded my expectations, and decided maybe just an old, second hand, but somehow still loved Nikon D40 will do which cost a third the price. AND I could buy myself this AWESOME 35mm f1.8 lens and finally take some KICK ASS pictures of people. That was of course until I had to spend the money on some other thing.... which I will not write about here. But I pretty much shelved the idea of spending any money on another camera for another year.

SIGH.

It's OK.... I already bought myself a camera a year and a half ago, as a reward to myself when I first started work. A Lumix FZ18 which although looked every bit like a baby DSLR, was anything but one. The money was needed somewhere else. And I had to sacrifice. And so I swallowed that bitter pill, and told myself to stop being a baby about it.

I told myself I must learn to love the things I have, and not necessarily have all the things I think I love. 

That plus, if I couldn't even take good pictures with the camera I had, spending more money on a better camera ain't going to change a thing. People take photographs, not cameras. A lesson I wasn't entirely sure my friend understood yet. His RM4000 camera wasn't about to make him a better photographer. The silver lining of it was, if I continued taking crappy photographs with what I have now, I could always just blame it on the camera and (most) normal people wouldn't really know that it was really a lie. But if I carried an expensive camera around and still took crappy pics... I won't be sure where to hide my face. Devilishly, I wished to myself that he'd take the crappiest most horrible and ordinary looking pics for the next 6 months and learn things the hard way.

So there I was, sitting at the table, holding his camera for the very first time, showing him the controls and how you operate it. Actually, it was the first time I was operating it too. Only, I had devoured so much details about the camera and it's capabilities, I felt like I already know it. And that was when the irony stood out most for me.

I was the one who loved this camera and knew all about it. I was the one who coveted it so badly. I was the one who intended to buy it. He didn't even know this camera existed till a few months ago. He didn't even know what half the buttons around the camera did. But he was the one who bought it. He was the one who owned it. But I was the one teaching his about it!!

"Dude, with what you have here, you BETTER start taking some mind blowing photographs." I said to him.

He just smiles at me and enthusiastically declares  "I will diligently learn to!"  But really, he was just gloating about his new toy. Maybe he could see how much I loved his camera.  I think he hear me say "what you have here" part.. and completely filtered out the "mind blowing photographs" part. This was as looking like a gloating device first, camera second. I swear I could have smashed my face into a wall.

After we split, I went home, took my own little camera out, wiped off the dust and took a snap shot of myself in the mirror. I checked the camera count. Almost 9000 over pictures taken over the course of it's life thus far. It's been with me everywhere from the zoo, to the muzeum, the park, the makan shop, the pasar malam, Pangkor, Kedah, Johor, Kuching, Bintulu, Singapore, Brussels, Germany, Amsterdam, Shanghai..... just about everywhere I have ever went this past 2 years, and it has served me well (enough). I felt guilty for suddenly coveting someone else's camera's pulak.

Damn it........

I'm even starting to develop a guilt conscience even over my camera? :-S

Do I really have to be a tortured soul all the time? It's a freaking camera la.

Yes, I'm fine. But where's the toothpaste?

You know, I didn't think it was going to be THAT obvious.

I mean, I knew I was bound to be sad and all after she left, but I didn't expect people to be able to tell just by speaking to me! If there is one thing I've always thought of myself, is that I'm not that easy to read, emotion wise. I'm not the type to carry my heart on my shoulders. If I'm upset, I don't necessarily vent it to anyone and everyone. If I'm sad, I don't go around crying my heart out to anyone who listens. Exception here I think is when I'm happy. When I'm happy, it's hard to hide.

"You OK or not? You don't sound to good leh..." a friend from work said to me.

"Me, I'm fine la. Friday mah. No mood to work already. This client's a read pain in the ass... Potong steam la. I just wanna go home and start my weekend." I said.

"Sure or not? Hmmm. I think I know the REAL reason... Hehehe..." this person tells me.

"Oh? Really? And what would THAT be?" I asked as my ears perked up.

"Girlfriend not around already mah...... right onot?"

"WHAAAAT?! Geez.. I think you know too much about me already la. Dangerous man. Why, so obvious meh?" I ask. This was kinda the last person I would expect to be making this sort of deduction. Someone I deal with from WORK!

I usually don't consider the people I meet or work with in my office settings to be my 'friends' per se. They are your colleagues, your suppliers, your clients, your partners. You go out for lunch, you joke, you share stories, you get work done. But they aren't really your friends. But occasionally, a few end up becoming genuine friends. I considered this person on of those.

"YA! It's the tone of your voice la.. A bit down. Why, miss her ar?"..........

".................................." that's me being speechless. "............ something like that la. It's just taking a bit of getting used to that's all. Anyway......" I changed to subject.


Why have quite a considerable number of people come up to me and tell me this? My boss is going around telling everybody I'm not 'SINGLE and LONELY'.... Aaaaargh. I'd poke his eyes out, sew his mouth and break his fingers if not for the fact that he signs my cheques. hehehe. But on second thought, when I thought more about it.. yes, I AM SINGLE.. never mind lonely for the time being. *hands clasp together*  Hehehehehe...

"So now you're a lonely man now la. Drowning in sorrow. Miss here miss there la........" my boss jested to me over the phone.

"No la sir. Where got time. So busy doing your work for you!" I reply.

"I KNOW. And I plan to give you EVEN MORE, to help you overcome your sorrow!" he answers bursting out in laughter.

I laugh back, not quite sure if more work is really the right remedy.

For the record, I'm fine people. At least for now. I've huddled up and cried in the dark corner of the room a grand total of zero times. I have been busy with work and family. I did worry about what I'd do on my first weekend without her. But the weekend got filled up even before she left. The time I'm spending now typing this out is just about the only free time I have for the next 2 days. Maybe later I'll start to feel it. I'm predicting around Christmas time. But for now, I'm alright. it's not like she died or something (choy, touch wood). She's just far away. And in this day and age, the world is a much smaller place. I mean, I just had an hour long conversation with her over skpe yesterday, and it was free. 2 days ago, we just had a video chat. So you can't really say I'm suddenly missing her in my life.

My only problem is, I'm running out of tooth paste. and I'm not sure where she keeps the spare tube.

Cheers, and have a good weekend people.

Filling the void... with ciku and what have you

Someone asked me how I'm feeling. I said it felt like there's suddenly a vacuum in my life.... I know I'll do just fine, given time. But in the mean time, that void is still there, ever present.. as oxymoron as that sounds. A void that is ever present....

I had expected much earlier that sending her off would be a family affair.  I had spent a good part of the week with her entertaining all sorts of friends who suddenly wanted to say their farewells now that she was going away. "Pfftt... we're been around the ENTIRE YEAR with not so much as a hello from some of these people and suddenly they are going to 'miss you so much'? Sometimes I really doubt the sincerity of these people. Her last night was also spent with family and some of our closest friends... one of which drove all the way down from Klang late in the night straight from office just so that he'd not miss saying goodbye.

But to send her off at the airport, it was only me. She wanted it that way. Brother, father, friends, everyone had to say their goodbyes at home or somewhere else. "I want ONLY YOU to send me off all the way." she said. I willingly obliged. I took the entire day off and avoided all calls that day. Part of me was glad, because in a way this would be my only moments alone with her. The rest of the week was taken up by everyone else. Another part of me, somewhat dreaded being the only one to send her off, because it'd mean that I'd have to take the lonely drive back home.

I had said all I needed to say, even before we left for the airport. I had revealed my inner most sadness and insecurities to her before we left the house, by shedding a few speechless tears (which was more taxing on me than I had expected). Not that I felt like I couldn't live without her, not that I didn't want her to go. I just needed to express to her that though it was everyone else who seems to be kicking a fuss over her leaving, though it seems as if everyone else was the one saying how much they were going to miss her, in truth, it was ME that would miss her most. It was ME that will be most affect by her absence. Not them. By the time we got to the airport, and that very last moment of separation became reality, there was no need for anything else other than "See you. I love you. Take good care of yourself. Call me when you land."

I watched from above as she went down the escalator with her colleagues, bravely taking the first few steps into a new and unknown land and life before her. A sense of pride engulfed me. Yes, I felt sad that she was leaving. But I felt so proud of her too. And despite looking haggard and tired, a small smile broke through my face. I took one last glance, and walked away.

A slow and solemn walk back to the car. I better get used to this quick; this being alone thing. This not having someone to talk to thing. As I drove back home. I couldn't bare the silence in the car so I turned on the radio. But there was a different song playing in my head. the chorus of Obla-di obla-da by the Beatles....... Life goes on. Despite feeling blue... despite feeling like the point of focus of my life and energy is suddenly missing, I still had my life to live. A big chuck of what made up my world was now totally suspended in mid air... but other parts of my life still had to go on. A car to fix. Calls to make. Appointments to keep. Friends to see. Family to care for.

How do I feel now? Truthfully..... I feel so alone. There is this part of the day where I usually offload and share whatever is on my mind with her. It could be over the phone, via text, or over dinner. But she always was there to listen to what I had to say vice versa.......

I just drove 10 hours back and forth today just to attend a 2 hour meeting. I just saw the most beautiful sunset off the coast of Terengganu. I ate a steaming hot pieces of semi-raw 'keropok lekor' for the first time in my life today and didn't throw up. I bought a kilo of ciku fruits today for only RM5, I observed that kampung folk are so much friendlier and relaxed. A cat stole my drumstick bone while I dozed off on the table during lunch. I ate a Temerloh signature dish called Ikan Patin Masak Tempoyak (which has durian in it) for the first time, and I'm pretty sure I broke some personal record for most precarious / dangerous text messages ever sent; one hand typing out text messages, the other hand steadying a car travelling at 140kmph down the highway.

No, I don't want to post it over facebook, no I don't want to start a twitter account. No, I don't want to share it with just anyone who's willing to listen. I want to share it with someone. Some person, in a real and personal way. Someone who would listen and respond "Gosh, really semi raw? What do you mean semi-raw?" or "Yucks, I hate ciku. You couldn't pay me RM5 to eat it" or " Yeah, I hate them cats too. Why did you doze off?"

Hell ya I'm feeling lonely... what do you expect? I bought a freaking kilo of ciku.... and I've got to eat it all on my own.

I hate goodbyes

I held her close...

I held her tight...

I felt the my eyes starting to swell...

I felt my ears starting to burn...

I felt my heart starting to ache...

I felt the tears roll down my cheek...

I heard myself sobbing quietly...

I felt her gentle hands stroking my back...

I heard her whispering words of comfort...

I saw her wiping the tears off my face...

I saw the sad look on her face...

I brushed her hair aside...

I kissed her on her forehead...

I told her I love her...

I told her to come back safely to me...

I wipe my own tears dry...

I shed no more tears after that....

5 minutes was all it took...

That was it...

That feeling of vulnerability shown openly...

That moment of weakness revealed to her...

That was my farewell to her...

There's something about the rain...

There's something about the rain.... Whatever mood it is you're in at those times, the rain seems to amplify the emotions inside.

I woke up this morning to a lazy, gloomy and wet morning. Just two weeks earlier, I had woke up feeling like a million bucks. Today, I felt like a million pieces of one big pile of mess for reasons even I can't quite figure out. Late for work again. Oh what the hell, I'm late for work everyday anyway. You hardly see me early for anything, not even work, unless it's really really important.

Some days, the rain gives me a sense of peace. It feels like everything is muted, and toned down. Other days, the rain feels cleansing and refreshing. Today, the rain feels like a dark, gloomy and wet blanket covering you while you're trying to take a nap, hoping the day would just pass by. 

Not that there's anything wrong. Nothings wrong.

I'm just.................... sad.

That's really it. I'm just sad today.

I don't know how many guys go around ranting about about how sad they are. Seems like such a whimpy and 'un-manly' thing to do, complaining how sad you are. But that's really the cruz of it all.. I'm just freaking sad. Did I mention I was sad?

And this sad I'm feeling right now. It's not the 'Oh my god, my cute puppy dog just got run over by A 40' trailer' kind of sad. It's not the 'Gosh, everyone got good results in their papers except me' kind of sad. Its your typical 'My fiancee's going going away half way round the world for a year leaving me all alone to take care of her father, mother, brother, house, bills, car, laundry, kitchen, toilet, and potted plants' kind of sad. I'm sure we're all been there at some point in our lives.Yeah.... nothing to it really.

My thoughts continued to linger on her as I made my way to office.....


"Don't worry dear.... I'll take care of everything. Your father, mother, brother, every one la.. I'll make sure everyone's OK. " I had said to her.

"I know you will dear. I know. But, who will take care of YOU?" she said.

"Take care of ME? What makes you think I need taking care of? I'll be fine la..." felt like the 10th time I was saying it.

She just looks at me with this knowing look that screamed out "Don't you start with me. I know you better than that."

I just smile at her a bit more.  "Aya, DON'T WORRY. I'll be ok one..."

The truth was, she has been the one taking care of me. Funny... I always thought I was taking care of myself. Until one day I couldn't even find my own glasses, looking high and low, and when I asked her, she pointed that it was sitting right there, on top of my head. She gave me that 'what would you do without me' face again. I just gave her the 'Well, lucky for me, I was smart enough to catch you before other people' face. The her taking care of me wasn't about her organizing my things for me or having my stuff sorted out. It was about her being there for me, supporting me when I needed it the most. The world could turn against me, hate me, and call me names and put me down in a ditch and give me problems so big I cannot possibly solve. But as long as she was there, by my side, I knew I'd be ok. I might fail, I might fall, and I might even get wounded along the way waddling through life, but at least I knew she'd be there supporting me, loving me regardless.

I'll be fine......... For your sake.... I'll be fine.

I tried stopping that line of thought. DAMN IT, why do I have to think such depressing thoughts on a day like this?  And I started to think about the more light hearted aspects of our relationship. You know.. the little little things, the topings or icing on the cake as it were, that made a relationship so sweet sometimes.

It's funny that with time, the two of us seems to just get more childish with each other. If you took her, completely on her own, you'd see she was a serious, stern and forceful woman. If you took me, completely on my own, you'd see another serious, no nonsense, mature sort of fellow. But SOMEHOW, somehow.... behind closed doors, in the comforts of our room, with no one around, we were anything but serious with each other. Playful... to the point of being childish even.

Here are some of the things we do; we tickle, we wrestle, we mimic each others wacky styles, we make faces at each other, we chase each other around the house (when there's no one around).. and to top it all off... we want Sponge Bob Square Pants cartoons while munching dinner. Maybe these are weird things for two full grown adults to be doing.. but these are the things we do with each other. Of course, people never know or even imagine that we do these things. To the outside world, she's a capable, sharp and authoritative nurse. The the world outside, I'm this mature, intelligent and serious engineer. But shed the job title, shed the things you do to make a living, all we are, she'd the traits we pick up due to our jobs, you will find that we are merely two serious adults, who have found in each other, a level of comfort where you can act silly and goofy but not feel like one at all. 

My 20 minutes to and from work every day seems to be my personal daily reflection time of sorts.. and today, I was just wondering to myself

"Why the hell am I going on and on with myself like a love sick puppy.?"

People who have been in relationships this long don't go around ranting about how much their going to miss each other. It's supposed to have a strong, sure but steady sense to it all right? But my missing her even when she's not even gone is like some new pair of lovers not able to bear not seeing each other for more than a few hours. But here I was thinking on and on about our relationship... and darn it.. all the things about her I'm going to miss when she was away. And I'm really cooking myself up into a pot of sadness here. I looked up at the rainy skies... as if even the gods themselves were crying on my behalf..

Arrrgggh.....

You look wonderful tonight

I tap, tap and I tap, but the autogate refused to open.

"What's wrong with this silly thing..." I said out loud.

She reaches her hand out and displays to me the proper gate access card. I looked back at my right hand. I holding my Touch & Go card... wrong one to using to open our apartment gates.

I smile at her, realizing my blunder. More than that, smiling that I had done the same mistake so many times, and she had to fish out the right card for me... so many times. I'm a walking bundle of absent mindedness.....

"You ar..... what would you do without me?" she says between smiles....

"Dunno.... but that's why I DO have you mah, to cover for me. hehehe...... " I reply.

She just smiles at me, and I reach out and grab her thighs....

"What WILL I do without you?" I silently asked myself. She looks at me... and I manage a meek little smile and she just smiles back. I love it when she smiles back.

I reach out and held her and. What WILL I do without her? Who DID I live life before she even came into my life? When you've been a relationship as long as this, you sometimes forget how it's like to be on your own again. And that was what I was about to face.... being on my own again for a time being.

I remember the look on peoples faces when we announced of her plans to go overseas for a year to work. Most greeted it with a mixed look of confusion, doubt and bewilderment. Why? Why are you going? What about him? Is he willing for you to go? Aren't you worried that this might affect your relationship? So many doubts.. so many questions. But the woman that she was today spoke a different tone. She spoke with a deep sense of confidence in what she was doing, with her life, and with our relationship. The her I knew from a few years back would never have considered this.

She could hardly take care of herself back when we first started. We were 17. She lived on her own. One night, while talking to her on the phone, I found out that she didn't eat anything for dinner. I pressed her to tell me why, and she confessed; she didn't have enough money, even to eat. That night, I told myself if there was ever a time to show that I care, this was it. I called, and said I was coming with dinner, full stop. Don't argue with me on this. I emptied the fridge of whatever leftover food or edibles I could find, sneaked out of the house, stole my dad's car, and drove to her house. I came by the house, and she let me in her room, and before anything else, she put her arms behind my back and gave me a big long, loving hug. I hugged her back. Somewhere in between hijacking my fathers car and receiving that hug, I realized that for the first time in my life, I was so in love with this woman that I actually did something crazy. I risked the wrath of my parents, being caught by police for driving illegally, meeting an accident (since I was an amateur driver)..... but I did it anyway. Nothing could stand in the way of me wanting to care, protect, shield and provide for her at that moment. I felt like it was my duty to do so, and it felt like an honour to be doing it; caring for her. Over the years, I watched as she silently grew and started to blossom into the woman she is today. The sad and broken looks became lesser and lesser, and she smile more often. She was happier. And though she still felt insecure at times, she had regained a lot of her self confidence. She even started taking it upon herself to take care of the welfare not only me, but her brother, her father, and even my family.

Every single day, I really mean EVERY SINGLE DAY that I'm with her.. I would look at her, smile, reach out my hand, brush her cheeks and say to her "You're so beautiful dear...." She'd always answer that the only reason I said it was because I was in love with her. Yes, I was in love with her... but that's not why I say it every single day! For one, I really DO think she's so beautiful... And secondly, if you saw what I've seen, over the years, you'd say the same thing too. Ever seen a caterpillar blossom into a butterfly? People always think it's the butterfly that's beautiful. But to me, what's more beautiful is the process of how this fragile, unassuming, unappreciated, unloved caterpillar wondrously transforms into a lovely butterfly; THAT's the beautiful part. And THAT's what I have seen over the years, THAT's what I think is beautiful in her.

I have grown so accustomed to doting on her, running my fingers through her hair and naughtily biting her ear lobes that I don't know how else to behave around her. I have grown so accustomed to having her buying my cloths for me (since I have zero fashion sense), organizing my important documents and stuff, and reminding me of important occasions that I think I'd be a mess if she wasn't there to straighten thing out for me. I have grown so accustomed to having her around most of the time that the sudden thought of her absence sends sinking feeling down my heart. What do I do on weekends? Who do I go out for dinners with? What do I do when I need someone to talk to face to face? How will I spend my free days? A sense of panic briefly overtakes me; I'll be left on my own, with no one. I have forgotten how it feels like to be on my own again. I try thinking back on how I was before I met her. I seemed to lead a perfectly happy life before but somehow everything seems to pale in comparison. Love really has a way of spicing up your life. It makes everything you experience that little bit more intense, that little bit more colorful.

"What are you thinking?" she asks me. She can usually tell when I'm thinking something.

"Hmmmm? Nothing la... Just wondering what I'm going to do without you in this one year." I said.

She looks at me, with a worried look on her face and reaches out to hold my hand.

"Don't worry la. It'll take a while to get used to, but I'll be fine." I added.

"Well.....I'm sure you'll be just fine. Just don't get TOO used to not having me around OK. I AM coming back you know!" she said.

I smile back at her and just replied..... "That's impossible dear. I'm sure you'll be barking at me to clean up the mess at home, throw out the rubbish and drink lots of water, all the way from there, no difference oso.."

"You naughty! Hmmph. Fine, I won't layan you la. You go live your bachelor life this one year, I won't bother you......." 

I cut her short as I reach out my hand, brush her cheeks and said "By the way..... you look so beautiful tonight dear....."

(what will I do without her? By this time next week, I will have my answer)  

P/S: I know Wonderful Tonight by Eric Clapton ain't exactly the most happening sound around.. but hey, I love they lyrics k... and it reflects how I feel about her when I say those lines.