Random questions I woke up with, that begged answering.

I woke up this morning (ok, it wasn't morning, more like afternoon) with some question in my head. Late night mamak session with someone suddenly made me start thinking about all these questions again, not that I had any good answers for them. The reason behind all this questions was that the person I was having drinks with was coming from a completely different kind of life to mine. A well provided (read wealthy), stable family, no mental problems, no scandalous affairs and marriages, no controversial religious conversions. And me? Well, it's too long to write out all over again, but it's not unlike one of those spanish melodrama's you see on TV. And when I told this person half my story, her mouth was agape, and she was completely stoned. Because up till that point, she was just ranting on and on the whole night about how shitty her life was. After I went home, I thought about it a bit more, before collapsing in bed. I had just talked about it briefly to another person days earlier... and when woke up, this was on my mind.

1. Do you think God is fair?

Is God a fair god? Yes I do believe that. God is fair. Fair as in eye for an eye, limb for limb, reward for merit, punishment for offense. That's what fair means to me. But more than fair, the God I believe in is merciful. Reward for merit, but also forgiveness and pardon for offense for those who ask for it.

2. Do you think life is fair?

Not a fat chance. Yes, I know God created life, and by that token, life should be fair. But it's not. The problem with God is... his sense of fairness and our sense of fairness doesn't add up. He thinks in terms of the grand scale of the universe, and for eternity, transcending all sense of time, space, life and death. Whereas we mere mortals, we're just thinking about wanting a fairness, in life on earth. It's funny, because as we are born into this life, we all grow up with a sense of fairness in our hearts, until we learn the ways of the world. Some have babies with silver spoons in their mouth, others have babies born into a family, already half starving, barely making it through. Bad things happen to good people.. and good things happen to bad people. Life isn't always fair, not by a long shot.

3. Do you think that everyone gets their fair share of easiness and hardship in their life?

You might find, that a question like this is usually asked by people have gone through more hardship in life than the normal average person. Does life's hardship and ease balance out nicely on the balance scale?

People who have been having an easy life would probably answer you that life is fair. But strangely, I wonder if these 'lucky' people ever stop to worry if their exceeding 'luckiness' might somehow be a indicating that things will be bad in the future, in all 'fairness'? If you think life is fair, and you've been so privileged to enjoy the easy parts of life so far, aren't you worried that 'you turn is up' to suffer?

People who've been less fortunate in life on the other hand, always tell you life is not fair (because they've tasted the unfairness of it all). But they still have this perpetual hope that for their exceeding unluckiness and hardship in life, some blessing and ease will surely bound to come their way in the future, in all 'fairness'. My question then is: If you don't think life is fair, what makes you think you're now due for some 'good and easy' times any time soon or at all for the matter?

You get my drift? 

4. Do you think the 'lucky' ones are leading a happier life compared tho 'unfortunate' ones?

Oddly enough, No... For the longest period of my life, I thought that so many people led happier lives than me because they were well provided for. They had normal functioning parents, they had all they needed, they could ask for all they wanted. I thought that because they were 'luckier', they were happier. These lucky ones... they had all their basic needs, food, shelter, home, cloths, family, but they weren't happy. They had many other bases covered, education, gadgets, travels, holidays, everything you could possibly need and want, and yet they weren't happy. They complain about money, or the lack of it, they complained about their parents, they complained about their education, they complained about their jobs, there was always something to complain about. My question inevitably was, how can you say you aren't happy when you haven't had to suffer through life?

I realized, that happiness is a state of mind. Happiness is perspective. I'm not saying anyone can be happy just by changing the way you see things overnight. I wish I could, but it doesn't work that way. Sometimes, grievances are genuine, and unhappiness, warranted. (You're about to disappointed if you think I'm about to give you the secret to happiness in the next few lines. I'm not.) But I did at some point in my life come to a realization that despite all the hardships I have faced in life, I was leading a happier life compared to those whom I considered luckier than me. Or at least, I somehow still managed to find moments to be happy about. I was more content with my life, despite having lesser than them, and suddenly, I felt lucky. Lucky for being able to do more with less. Lucky to be able to be happy, despite it all. I don't know why people who have it all in life still struggle to find happiness. I don't know why people like me, who have been through hell and back, somehow still manage to find it....I don't know. Maybe some are blessed with more grateful hearts than others, maybe some are blessed with better insight. But that's a question for another day. But personally for me, I no longer need to wait until I have everything I want, before I'm allowed to start feeling happy. I'm happy because I know what I have, and the value of it. Because I have suffered before, I have learned how to be happy. Every item, every friend, every gesture, every moment is something worth cherishing. If I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth, and always ever had everything I want and needed, I wouldn't know a good thing even if it hit me right in the face.... and the only way to go is down.

So yeah, in and odd kind of way, I think unlucky people, provided they are blessed with the right perspective, are better equipped to lead happier lives. Scarred and wounded lives maybe, but happier none the less.

Anyway, I'll share something else with you. The way I view life, it's pain and it's sufferings today have been very much influenced by this book called Where is God when it Hurts, by Philippe Yancey. It was given to me by some years back by someone that at the time I did not know I would eventually call the sister I never had. I can't remember if I left HER mouth agape too after telling my story, but for one reason or another, she gifted me with this book and it forever changed the way I viewed my life and the sufferings I went through, the ones I was going through at the time, and the ones that I will in the future. I still keep that book today, with her little scribbled note neatly folded inside. But I'm actually waiting. Waiting for my chance, to bless someone else with this very book. I want to give it away; to someone who, just like me, was in a time and place where I was grappling and struggling to find MEANING to all the pain and suffering I was going through. And I found that meaning, I found my answer... in this book. For that, I'm eternally grateful, because I know in my heart, that finding that answer.. finding that meaning, changed my life. If YOU are hurting, if YOU are struggling to find meaning, I want to give this book to you. 

Have a good weekend everyone.