I hate feeling needy...

It's funny how things can change over the course of just one month.

One month ago I felt strong. I felt capable. I felt like come what may, I'm able to weather the storm. "Why worry so much, you've been through worse my boy. This should be chicken feed for you. Being alone is no big deal. The entire population of single people live life alone, so stop being such a baby. You spent the first 17 years of your life alone ANYWAY." I told myself.

Today, I woke up feeling silly and stupid and deflated.I felt like just lying in bed the entire day. Just lay there. Don't answer any calls. Don't check any mails. Don't talk to anyone. Just wallow in my sense of numbness. Maybe they were right. Maybe I'm NOT fine. Maybe I do need to mourn or whatever and get over it so that I can stop feeling this way.

But what the hell am I supposed to do anyway? Grab the next person willing to listen and cry my heart out? No way dude. 4 shots of whiskey and a jug of beer later maybe, but not while I still have my head screwed on my shoulders.

I think I've been trying to put on a brave face. I've been going out with people, listening to their problems, empathizing, sharing.. you know, that sort of shit. You'll be surprised how much I have immersed myself in the worries and cares of others... even people I've only come to know recently. But I've also gone through great lengths to conceal the raw emotions still very much present in my heart. I thought by focusing my mind and my heart of others, I won't have to face what I feel inside. But It's hard to lie to yourself. It's hard to play pretend with your own heart.

I think I've pretty much covered in my previous post about being lonely. But the thing that scared the shit out of me this morning was that I just realized..... how needy and vulnerable I really am in my current state. I know it's quite an 'un-manly' thing to be saying (or experiencing). 'Needy' and 'vulnerable' are after all feelings often associated with women (no offense k). But if a woman is allowed to admit that she's horny these days, isn't a man allowed to admit that he is needy?

I searched and searched my heart late into the night yesterday, and when I woke up, I felt like I had some semblance of an answer of what I'm feeling of late. And it was that I am emotionally in a needy and vulnerable state. It's like I'm reaching out trying to grab at something... anything.... just something to cling on to. Just to feel like I have my back against something again.. just to feel like I'm not half a human being,

I don't like the way I am right now. I don't like feeling so needy and vulnerable. I don't like finding myself craving for affection from just anyone at all. That's why I did not want to wake up this morning. I did not want to have to talk to people and find myself longing to be cared for by them. Cared for in more than the usual way, you know what I mean? Half the time, I'm confused if I'm craving for affection from specific people, or just for some affection. PERIOD. I feel......................weak.

It's my heart playing tricks on me again.