There's something about the rain...

There's something about the rain.... Whatever mood it is you're in at those times, the rain seems to amplify the emotions inside.

I woke up this morning to a lazy, gloomy and wet morning. Just two weeks earlier, I had woke up feeling like a million bucks. Today, I felt like a million pieces of one big pile of mess for reasons even I can't quite figure out. Late for work again. Oh what the hell, I'm late for work everyday anyway. You hardly see me early for anything, not even work, unless it's really really important.

Some days, the rain gives me a sense of peace. It feels like everything is muted, and toned down. Other days, the rain feels cleansing and refreshing. Today, the rain feels like a dark, gloomy and wet blanket covering you while you're trying to take a nap, hoping the day would just pass by. 

Not that there's anything wrong. Nothings wrong.

I'm just.................... sad.

That's really it. I'm just sad today.

I don't know how many guys go around ranting about about how sad they are. Seems like such a whimpy and 'un-manly' thing to do, complaining how sad you are. But that's really the cruz of it all.. I'm just freaking sad. Did I mention I was sad?

And this sad I'm feeling right now. It's not the 'Oh my god, my cute puppy dog just got run over by A 40' trailer' kind of sad. It's not the 'Gosh, everyone got good results in their papers except me' kind of sad. Its your typical 'My fiancee's going going away half way round the world for a year leaving me all alone to take care of her father, mother, brother, house, bills, car, laundry, kitchen, toilet, and potted plants' kind of sad. I'm sure we're all been there at some point in our lives.Yeah.... nothing to it really.

My thoughts continued to linger on her as I made my way to office.....


"Don't worry dear.... I'll take care of everything. Your father, mother, brother, every one la.. I'll make sure everyone's OK. " I had said to her.

"I know you will dear. I know. But, who will take care of YOU?" she said.

"Take care of ME? What makes you think I need taking care of? I'll be fine la..." felt like the 10th time I was saying it.

She just looks at me with this knowing look that screamed out "Don't you start with me. I know you better than that."

I just smile at her a bit more.  "Aya, DON'T WORRY. I'll be ok one..."

The truth was, she has been the one taking care of me. Funny... I always thought I was taking care of myself. Until one day I couldn't even find my own glasses, looking high and low, and when I asked her, she pointed that it was sitting right there, on top of my head. She gave me that 'what would you do without me' face again. I just gave her the 'Well, lucky for me, I was smart enough to catch you before other people' face. The her taking care of me wasn't about her organizing my things for me or having my stuff sorted out. It was about her being there for me, supporting me when I needed it the most. The world could turn against me, hate me, and call me names and put me down in a ditch and give me problems so big I cannot possibly solve. But as long as she was there, by my side, I knew I'd be ok. I might fail, I might fall, and I might even get wounded along the way waddling through life, but at least I knew she'd be there supporting me, loving me regardless.

I'll be fine......... For your sake.... I'll be fine.

I tried stopping that line of thought. DAMN IT, why do I have to think such depressing thoughts on a day like this?  And I started to think about the more light hearted aspects of our relationship. You know.. the little little things, the topings or icing on the cake as it were, that made a relationship so sweet sometimes.

It's funny that with time, the two of us seems to just get more childish with each other. If you took her, completely on her own, you'd see she was a serious, stern and forceful woman. If you took me, completely on my own, you'd see another serious, no nonsense, mature sort of fellow. But SOMEHOW, somehow.... behind closed doors, in the comforts of our room, with no one around, we were anything but serious with each other. Playful... to the point of being childish even.

Here are some of the things we do; we tickle, we wrestle, we mimic each others wacky styles, we make faces at each other, we chase each other around the house (when there's no one around).. and to top it all off... we want Sponge Bob Square Pants cartoons while munching dinner. Maybe these are weird things for two full grown adults to be doing.. but these are the things we do with each other. Of course, people never know or even imagine that we do these things. To the outside world, she's a capable, sharp and authoritative nurse. The the world outside, I'm this mature, intelligent and serious engineer. But shed the job title, shed the things you do to make a living, all we are, she'd the traits we pick up due to our jobs, you will find that we are merely two serious adults, who have found in each other, a level of comfort where you can act silly and goofy but not feel like one at all. 

My 20 minutes to and from work every day seems to be my personal daily reflection time of sorts.. and today, I was just wondering to myself

"Why the hell am I going on and on with myself like a love sick puppy.?"

People who have been in relationships this long don't go around ranting about how much their going to miss each other. It's supposed to have a strong, sure but steady sense to it all right? But my missing her even when she's not even gone is like some new pair of lovers not able to bear not seeing each other for more than a few hours. But here I was thinking on and on about our relationship... and darn it.. all the things about her I'm going to miss when she was away. And I'm really cooking myself up into a pot of sadness here. I looked up at the rainy skies... as if even the gods themselves were crying on my behalf..

Arrrgggh.....