Filling the void... with ciku and what have you

Someone asked me how I'm feeling. I said it felt like there's suddenly a vacuum in my life.... I know I'll do just fine, given time. But in the mean time, that void is still there, ever present.. as oxymoron as that sounds. A void that is ever present....

I had expected much earlier that sending her off would be a family affair.  I had spent a good part of the week with her entertaining all sorts of friends who suddenly wanted to say their farewells now that she was going away. "Pfftt... we're been around the ENTIRE YEAR with not so much as a hello from some of these people and suddenly they are going to 'miss you so much'? Sometimes I really doubt the sincerity of these people. Her last night was also spent with family and some of our closest friends... one of which drove all the way down from Klang late in the night straight from office just so that he'd not miss saying goodbye.

But to send her off at the airport, it was only me. She wanted it that way. Brother, father, friends, everyone had to say their goodbyes at home or somewhere else. "I want ONLY YOU to send me off all the way." she said. I willingly obliged. I took the entire day off and avoided all calls that day. Part of me was glad, because in a way this would be my only moments alone with her. The rest of the week was taken up by everyone else. Another part of me, somewhat dreaded being the only one to send her off, because it'd mean that I'd have to take the lonely drive back home.

I had said all I needed to say, even before we left for the airport. I had revealed my inner most sadness and insecurities to her before we left the house, by shedding a few speechless tears (which was more taxing on me than I had expected). Not that I felt like I couldn't live without her, not that I didn't want her to go. I just needed to express to her that though it was everyone else who seems to be kicking a fuss over her leaving, though it seems as if everyone else was the one saying how much they were going to miss her, in truth, it was ME that would miss her most. It was ME that will be most affect by her absence. Not them. By the time we got to the airport, and that very last moment of separation became reality, there was no need for anything else other than "See you. I love you. Take good care of yourself. Call me when you land."

I watched from above as she went down the escalator with her colleagues, bravely taking the first few steps into a new and unknown land and life before her. A sense of pride engulfed me. Yes, I felt sad that she was leaving. But I felt so proud of her too. And despite looking haggard and tired, a small smile broke through my face. I took one last glance, and walked away.

A slow and solemn walk back to the car. I better get used to this quick; this being alone thing. This not having someone to talk to thing. As I drove back home. I couldn't bare the silence in the car so I turned on the radio. But there was a different song playing in my head. the chorus of Obla-di obla-da by the Beatles....... Life goes on. Despite feeling blue... despite feeling like the point of focus of my life and energy is suddenly missing, I still had my life to live. A big chuck of what made up my world was now totally suspended in mid air... but other parts of my life still had to go on. A car to fix. Calls to make. Appointments to keep. Friends to see. Family to care for.

How do I feel now? Truthfully..... I feel so alone. There is this part of the day where I usually offload and share whatever is on my mind with her. It could be over the phone, via text, or over dinner. But she always was there to listen to what I had to say vice versa.......

I just drove 10 hours back and forth today just to attend a 2 hour meeting. I just saw the most beautiful sunset off the coast of Terengganu. I ate a steaming hot pieces of semi-raw 'keropok lekor' for the first time in my life today and didn't throw up. I bought a kilo of ciku fruits today for only RM5, I observed that kampung folk are so much friendlier and relaxed. A cat stole my drumstick bone while I dozed off on the table during lunch. I ate a Temerloh signature dish called Ikan Patin Masak Tempoyak (which has durian in it) for the first time, and I'm pretty sure I broke some personal record for most precarious / dangerous text messages ever sent; one hand typing out text messages, the other hand steadying a car travelling at 140kmph down the highway.

No, I don't want to post it over facebook, no I don't want to start a twitter account. No, I don't want to share it with just anyone who's willing to listen. I want to share it with someone. Some person, in a real and personal way. Someone who would listen and respond "Gosh, really semi raw? What do you mean semi-raw?" or "Yucks, I hate ciku. You couldn't pay me RM5 to eat it" or " Yeah, I hate them cats too. Why did you doze off?"

Hell ya I'm feeling lonely... what do you expect? I bought a freaking kilo of ciku.... and I've got to eat it all on my own.