You look wonderful tonight

I tap, tap and I tap, but the autogate refused to open.

"What's wrong with this silly thing..." I said out loud.

She reaches her hand out and displays to me the proper gate access card. I looked back at my right hand. I holding my Touch & Go card... wrong one to using to open our apartment gates.

I smile at her, realizing my blunder. More than that, smiling that I had done the same mistake so many times, and she had to fish out the right card for me... so many times. I'm a walking bundle of absent mindedness.....

"You ar..... what would you do without me?" she says between smiles....

"Dunno.... but that's why I DO have you mah, to cover for me. hehehe...... " I reply.

She just smiles at me, and I reach out and grab her thighs....

"What WILL I do without you?" I silently asked myself. She looks at me... and I manage a meek little smile and she just smiles back. I love it when she smiles back.

I reach out and held her and. What WILL I do without her? Who DID I live life before she even came into my life? When you've been a relationship as long as this, you sometimes forget how it's like to be on your own again. And that was what I was about to face.... being on my own again for a time being.

I remember the look on peoples faces when we announced of her plans to go overseas for a year to work. Most greeted it with a mixed look of confusion, doubt and bewilderment. Why? Why are you going? What about him? Is he willing for you to go? Aren't you worried that this might affect your relationship? So many doubts.. so many questions. But the woman that she was today spoke a different tone. She spoke with a deep sense of confidence in what she was doing, with her life, and with our relationship. The her I knew from a few years back would never have considered this.

She could hardly take care of herself back when we first started. We were 17. She lived on her own. One night, while talking to her on the phone, I found out that she didn't eat anything for dinner. I pressed her to tell me why, and she confessed; she didn't have enough money, even to eat. That night, I told myself if there was ever a time to show that I care, this was it. I called, and said I was coming with dinner, full stop. Don't argue with me on this. I emptied the fridge of whatever leftover food or edibles I could find, sneaked out of the house, stole my dad's car, and drove to her house. I came by the house, and she let me in her room, and before anything else, she put her arms behind my back and gave me a big long, loving hug. I hugged her back. Somewhere in between hijacking my fathers car and receiving that hug, I realized that for the first time in my life, I was so in love with this woman that I actually did something crazy. I risked the wrath of my parents, being caught by police for driving illegally, meeting an accident (since I was an amateur driver)..... but I did it anyway. Nothing could stand in the way of me wanting to care, protect, shield and provide for her at that moment. I felt like it was my duty to do so, and it felt like an honour to be doing it; caring for her. Over the years, I watched as she silently grew and started to blossom into the woman she is today. The sad and broken looks became lesser and lesser, and she smile more often. She was happier. And though she still felt insecure at times, she had regained a lot of her self confidence. She even started taking it upon herself to take care of the welfare not only me, but her brother, her father, and even my family.

Every single day, I really mean EVERY SINGLE DAY that I'm with her.. I would look at her, smile, reach out my hand, brush her cheeks and say to her "You're so beautiful dear...." She'd always answer that the only reason I said it was because I was in love with her. Yes, I was in love with her... but that's not why I say it every single day! For one, I really DO think she's so beautiful... And secondly, if you saw what I've seen, over the years, you'd say the same thing too. Ever seen a caterpillar blossom into a butterfly? People always think it's the butterfly that's beautiful. But to me, what's more beautiful is the process of how this fragile, unassuming, unappreciated, unloved caterpillar wondrously transforms into a lovely butterfly; THAT's the beautiful part. And THAT's what I have seen over the years, THAT's what I think is beautiful in her.

I have grown so accustomed to doting on her, running my fingers through her hair and naughtily biting her ear lobes that I don't know how else to behave around her. I have grown so accustomed to having her buying my cloths for me (since I have zero fashion sense), organizing my important documents and stuff, and reminding me of important occasions that I think I'd be a mess if she wasn't there to straighten thing out for me. I have grown so accustomed to having her around most of the time that the sudden thought of her absence sends sinking feeling down my heart. What do I do on weekends? Who do I go out for dinners with? What do I do when I need someone to talk to face to face? How will I spend my free days? A sense of panic briefly overtakes me; I'll be left on my own, with no one. I have forgotten how it feels like to be on my own again. I try thinking back on how I was before I met her. I seemed to lead a perfectly happy life before but somehow everything seems to pale in comparison. Love really has a way of spicing up your life. It makes everything you experience that little bit more intense, that little bit more colorful.

"What are you thinking?" she asks me. She can usually tell when I'm thinking something.

"Hmmmm? Nothing la... Just wondering what I'm going to do without you in this one year." I said.

She looks at me, with a worried look on her face and reaches out to hold my hand.

"Don't worry la. It'll take a while to get used to, but I'll be fine." I added.

"Well.....I'm sure you'll be just fine. Just don't get TOO used to not having me around OK. I AM coming back you know!" she said.

I smile back at her and just replied..... "That's impossible dear. I'm sure you'll be barking at me to clean up the mess at home, throw out the rubbish and drink lots of water, all the way from there, no difference oso.."

"You naughty! Hmmph. Fine, I won't layan you la. You go live your bachelor life this one year, I won't bother you......." 

I cut her short as I reach out my hand, brush her cheeks and said "By the way..... you look so beautiful tonight dear....."

(what will I do without her? By this time next week, I will have my answer)  

P/S: I know Wonderful Tonight by Eric Clapton ain't exactly the most happening sound around.. but hey, I love they lyrics k... and it reflects how I feel about her when I say those lines.