I'm exhausted. Mentally. Emotionally.
Work is at its peak. Staying back is becoming a norm. Working on weekends is expected. I'm steadily leading towards a collision with someone from work. Arguments have been abound. Deadlines have been short. Clients have been extra shitty. I've been losing my temper. I've been growing fat. I've not been able to exercise regularly. Sex drive is at an all time low, and so is the sex. Expenses have been climbing. Income has been stagnant. Money hasn't been enough. Pressure has been mounting. Wedding is approaching. Honey moon has not been planned. Holidays have been canceled due to work. Laptop has been giving problems. Brother in law needs money from me. Father in law does things behind my back. Fiancee is needy and calls 3 times a day. Haven't spoken to own father for a month now since he's with his new girlfriend. Worried about brother whose now grossly obese but refuses to diet. Mother-in-law suspiciously made a huge withdrawal from the bank. Loaned fifteen thousand dollars to a friend. Not sure if we'll ever see that money again. Friends have been busy or away. Been struggling to make new friends. Been struggling with church. Been struggling with my faith. Just basically.... been struggling.
Ironically, only my mother has been exceedingly well. In the past, she was the biggest source of my worry and sorry.
I've been trying. Trying not to think so much. Not to dramatize things so much. Not to over think things. Life should be simple. Hearts should be whole. Not every incident that happens in life is supposed to have some sort of profound meaning. Sometimes, shit just happens. And shit pondered over too much just because philosophical crap... which I suspect I'm pretty good at.
I'm sorry. I don't have any words of inspiration for you. I don't have any profound words to say. I'm tired. I don't feel up to laughing and smiling and having a good time. I want to whine and vent.. and break stuff.. and be pissed off. I want to not have to hide my sour face. I don't want to be mature. I don't want to be righteous, or composed or sensible.
I don't want to be told what to do. What the solution is. What should be done. How to resolve things or how I should behave.
I miss being comforted. I miss being gently & lovingly touched. I miss having someone to whine to. Someone to listen as I talk about the annoying stuff about my day without me having to worry if I'm boring them. I miss being told I'm wonderful or awesome or great. I miss not having to be angry because someone else is angry on my behalf. I miss the feeling of being loved.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
When Ideals Fail
I’ve been tossing and turning, but I can’t sleep.
Truth is, my heart is disturbed.
I feel like my ideals are eroding. I feel like as I grow older and see more and more of the world, the harder and harder it is to believe in the things I used to. The more and more I see the rottenness of people character, the less and less I want to believe hold on to those beliefs anymore.
Some days, I really feel like a cynic. Most secretly, most days, I really am an idealist. I’m really one of those guys who naively believe in all sorts of silly ideals. I believe that people are essentially good at heart. That no one would intentionally do harm unto others. And that if someone did something bad or wrong, it not because they were evil but because they failed to find a better way. I believe in the good of others. I believe that everyone’s capacity to love is greater than their capacity to do evil. I believe in hard work. I believe in honestly. I believe in the enduring power of truth. I believe in working together. I believe in comradeship and helping one another. I believe that the integrity of a person speaks for itself and rises above any lies or misconception others have of them.
Or at least, I think I still do.. or did… I’m not sure anymore.
I feel like my little world build upon these ideals are slowly but surely coming down. I constantly find myself coming face to face with decisions on whether or not to hold on to these believes and risk harm, or let them go and do what I know needs to be done in order to survive in this concrete jungle. I know some people see no issue in this. To them, this is how the world works. Anyone failing to get with the programme is just being a silly idealist out of touch with reality.
It’s hard… especially when you come face to face with people who are unabashedly greedy, deliberate in their scheming and unremorsefully malicious. We sort of always knew they exist of course. We sort of know that there are ‘bad guys’ in the world. But its one thing to know they exist and another to have them invading upon your world. And it gets even closer to home when you learn that their malice is being directed squarely at you.
I supposed I should have seen it coming. The signs were all there. I should have known. But I refused to believe, even when the evidence was staring at me in the face. As much as possible, I wanted to believe in the goodness of people until proven otherwise. Someone saw this in me and said to me that I trust too much. It felt more like a complement to me. But now I’m not so sure.
But it disturbs me. Are we to shed our ideals and beliefs the same way we shed our innocence as we grow older and older? Unlike innocence, aren’t ideals and beliefs something we consciously embrace? Am I really so out of touch with reality?
I found myself having to seriously re-evaluate my perception of someone today – someone I had been reluctant to pass judgment upon previously. Because I had seen his family, I had seen his wife and I had seen his son… and I wanted to believe that a man capable of raising a family is surely capable of goodness. More than once, poison arrows have come flying my way today, and the one shooting them was none other than him. I tried looking glimmer remorse or regret in him but there was none. And I forced to acknowledge that this man wasn’t just some misguided, lost soul in need of a friend. He was the enemy. And he had every intention of doing harm to me. Maybe not physically… but politically.
My ideals had been proven foolish after all.
How do you respond when faced with an enemy? God taught us that we should turn the other cheek. That vengeance is not ours to take. That we are not meant to behave like the rest of the world. But right now, I cannot find it in my heart to do that. I cannot turn the other cheek. At the beginning of time, after the Serpent tricked Eve into eating the forbidden fruit from the Tree of Knowledge, God cursed both of them; that the offspring of the Serpent will strike at the heel of Man.. and the offspring of Eve will stomp and crush the head of the evil serpent.
I feel like I finally came face to face with the serpent today. He strike my heel. Now.. I feel like crushing his head.
See what I have become?
Truth is, my heart is disturbed.
I feel like my ideals are eroding. I feel like as I grow older and see more and more of the world, the harder and harder it is to believe in the things I used to. The more and more I see the rottenness of people character, the less and less I want to believe hold on to those beliefs anymore.
Some days, I really feel like a cynic. Most secretly, most days, I really am an idealist. I’m really one of those guys who naively believe in all sorts of silly ideals. I believe that people are essentially good at heart. That no one would intentionally do harm unto others. And that if someone did something bad or wrong, it not because they were evil but because they failed to find a better way. I believe in the good of others. I believe that everyone’s capacity to love is greater than their capacity to do evil. I believe in hard work. I believe in honestly. I believe in the enduring power of truth. I believe in working together. I believe in comradeship and helping one another. I believe that the integrity of a person speaks for itself and rises above any lies or misconception others have of them.
Or at least, I think I still do.. or did… I’m not sure anymore.
I feel like my little world build upon these ideals are slowly but surely coming down. I constantly find myself coming face to face with decisions on whether or not to hold on to these believes and risk harm, or let them go and do what I know needs to be done in order to survive in this concrete jungle. I know some people see no issue in this. To them, this is how the world works. Anyone failing to get with the programme is just being a silly idealist out of touch with reality.
It’s hard… especially when you come face to face with people who are unabashedly greedy, deliberate in their scheming and unremorsefully malicious. We sort of always knew they exist of course. We sort of know that there are ‘bad guys’ in the world. But its one thing to know they exist and another to have them invading upon your world. And it gets even closer to home when you learn that their malice is being directed squarely at you.
I supposed I should have seen it coming. The signs were all there. I should have known. But I refused to believe, even when the evidence was staring at me in the face. As much as possible, I wanted to believe in the goodness of people until proven otherwise. Someone saw this in me and said to me that I trust too much. It felt more like a complement to me. But now I’m not so sure.
But it disturbs me. Are we to shed our ideals and beliefs the same way we shed our innocence as we grow older and older? Unlike innocence, aren’t ideals and beliefs something we consciously embrace? Am I really so out of touch with reality?
I found myself having to seriously re-evaluate my perception of someone today – someone I had been reluctant to pass judgment upon previously. Because I had seen his family, I had seen his wife and I had seen his son… and I wanted to believe that a man capable of raising a family is surely capable of goodness. More than once, poison arrows have come flying my way today, and the one shooting them was none other than him. I tried looking glimmer remorse or regret in him but there was none. And I forced to acknowledge that this man wasn’t just some misguided, lost soul in need of a friend. He was the enemy. And he had every intention of doing harm to me. Maybe not physically… but politically.
My ideals had been proven foolish after all.
How do you respond when faced with an enemy? God taught us that we should turn the other cheek. That vengeance is not ours to take. That we are not meant to behave like the rest of the world. But right now, I cannot find it in my heart to do that. I cannot turn the other cheek. At the beginning of time, after the Serpent tricked Eve into eating the forbidden fruit from the Tree of Knowledge, God cursed both of them; that the offspring of the Serpent will strike at the heel of Man.. and the offspring of Eve will stomp and crush the head of the evil serpent.
I feel like I finally came face to face with the serpent today. He strike my heel. Now.. I feel like crushing his head.
See what I have become?
Thursday, July 29, 2010
3 Little Wishes
You know when people celebrating their birthday and are just at the brink of blowing out the candles on their birthday cake? For some reason, everyone expects the birthday boy / girl to make a wish before that. I’ve always wonder why is that. Is it because we somehow expect that if there was any day where your wish might come true, it would be on your birthday. What about a shooting star? People say if you chance upon a shooting star, it’s a good time to make a wish. Does that also mean that if you saw a shooting star on your birthday, your wish is as good as granted?
Well, I honestly don’t remember ever seeing a shooting star ever in my life. But it is my birthday today. So by the power vested in me by the celestial powers of The-Birthday-Boy, here is a 3-in-1 wish I am asking for.
(If you’re listening God, I hope you’re taking notes)
At this very moment, I know that someone just came home from a day in hospital. Her husband just had a heart failure and she doesn’t know if he’s going to make it. Someone out there is still coming to terms with the death of their mother. Someone is still coming to terms with the death of their father. Someone out there is nursing a broken heart. Someone one there is feeling terrified about leaving home. Someone out there is missing home. I know these people personally... and I wish for them:
Strength
May they find the strength to endure what is to come. May they find within them a reservoir of strength to draw upon when life seems to suck them of all their energy. May they stand strong when the things they cherish, the people they know, the love they found, or the things they have all start falling apart. May they find in themselves strength they never recognized, power they never realized and endurance they never knew. May they know that they are far tougher than they first believe.
Courage
And if and when their strength is at an end, may they have courage; courage to drag their feet out of bed even when it feels so hard; courage to face people; courage to face new challenges; courage to go on in life; courage to pick up the pieces; courage to put one feet in front of the other even when it terrifies you because you honestly don’t know how to continue on. courage to admit that we need help; courage to admit our wrongs; courage to admit we are scared. May courage to live never leave them even as they find themselves at the end of their strength. May fear not be the end their courage, but rather the reason for it.
Hope
And may they keep in their heart, a hope that never dies. A hope for resolution; a hope for peace; a hope for life after death; a hope for a better future; a hope for a safe passage; a hope for a second chance; a hope for something better; a hope for someone better. Just like love, hope is a belief that sometimes makes no sense at all. But just like love, It is also a belief every one of us hold on to without ever letting go. Even if the flames in their heart dim to a flicker, even if life brings them to their knees, even if their hearts have been shattered a million pieces a million times over, may the unbreakable and steely presence of hope hold them together. That though they may lose their life, their loved ones, their love or their home…. they will never lose hope.
Because as much as I wish it… we all eventually run out of strength, our courage eventually fails us.. but hope… Hope does not disappoint us. Especially not when it doesn't come from within but sent from up above.
These are my wishes today as a birthday boy. May God grant them, not to me but to those who need it.
God bless you….
Well, I honestly don’t remember ever seeing a shooting star ever in my life. But it is my birthday today. So by the power vested in me by the celestial powers of The-Birthday-Boy, here is a 3-in-1 wish I am asking for.
(If you’re listening God, I hope you’re taking notes)
At this very moment, I know that someone just came home from a day in hospital. Her husband just had a heart failure and she doesn’t know if he’s going to make it. Someone out there is still coming to terms with the death of their mother. Someone is still coming to terms with the death of their father. Someone out there is nursing a broken heart. Someone one there is feeling terrified about leaving home. Someone out there is missing home. I know these people personally... and I wish for them:
Strength
May they find the strength to endure what is to come. May they find within them a reservoir of strength to draw upon when life seems to suck them of all their energy. May they stand strong when the things they cherish, the people they know, the love they found, or the things they have all start falling apart. May they find in themselves strength they never recognized, power they never realized and endurance they never knew. May they know that they are far tougher than they first believe.
Courage
And if and when their strength is at an end, may they have courage; courage to drag their feet out of bed even when it feels so hard; courage to face people; courage to face new challenges; courage to go on in life; courage to pick up the pieces; courage to put one feet in front of the other even when it terrifies you because you honestly don’t know how to continue on. courage to admit that we need help; courage to admit our wrongs; courage to admit we are scared. May courage to live never leave them even as they find themselves at the end of their strength. May fear not be the end their courage, but rather the reason for it.
Hope
And may they keep in their heart, a hope that never dies. A hope for resolution; a hope for peace; a hope for life after death; a hope for a better future; a hope for a safe passage; a hope for a second chance; a hope for something better; a hope for someone better. Just like love, hope is a belief that sometimes makes no sense at all. But just like love, It is also a belief every one of us hold on to without ever letting go. Even if the flames in their heart dim to a flicker, even if life brings them to their knees, even if their hearts have been shattered a million pieces a million times over, may the unbreakable and steely presence of hope hold them together. That though they may lose their life, their loved ones, their love or their home…. they will never lose hope.
Because as much as I wish it… we all eventually run out of strength, our courage eventually fails us.. but hope… Hope does not disappoint us. Especially not when it doesn't come from within but sent from up above.
These are my wishes today as a birthday boy. May God grant them, not to me but to those who need it.
God bless you….
Monday, July 26, 2010
All I Ever Want
It’s my birthday this week.
I asked myself what I’d like to do on my birthday, and found that I don’t really know. How DOES a person celebrate his own birthday? I know of some people who go around announcing the big occasion to everyone and anyone practically fishing for gifts and well wishes. But I don’t think I could ever bring myself to do that. I’ve always been a bit low profile about such things. I think it’s wrong making a big deal out of yourself. Having people celebrate me is awkward enough without having to oblige people to do it.
Birthdays are supposed to be a big deal, and yet I hardly remember any of them. I don’t know what I did on my 16th, 18th or 21st. The only consistent thing I remember of my birthdays is that people always complain that they don’t know what to get for me. And it gets even more difficult when I tell them that there really is nothing I want. Nothing you can buy from stores anyway. They all inevitably end up giving me things like books without really knowing what I do and don’t read. But truth be told, gifts don’t really do it for me. I’m not the kind that gets touched by the thing you bought, but more by what is conveys. To me, a good gift isn’t one that is shiny, polished or expensive. But one that is deliberate and personal. The kind that shows that you remember what they said, you took note of what they liked, or what they needed at the time. Buying me a pair of polka dot sox because you remember I needed them would mean a lot more to me than say buying an expensive tie which I’d chuck to the side anyway. I don’t know if people understand that.
This year has been a year of solitude for me; with a lot of time spent alone – sometimes by circumstances, sometimes by choice. But I don’t think I’ve ever felt quite so lonely, quite so needy, and quite so vulnerable. And I guess that pretty much sums up how I’ve been feeling most of the year – lonely, needy & vulnerable. And I’ve been way too intense, and way too serious to be any sort of fun to be around this year. Even I know it.
But like I said, I don’t know what I’m going to do on my birthday.
I thought of taking the day off. Maybe go on a road trip travelling the country for a day with my camera taking pictures of whatever comes my way. I suppose that’d be quite an interesting thing to do. But I suspect doing it alone would actually make me more depressed than anything else. Otherwise, I’d want to go somewhere where there are nice comfortable seats with a live band playing lounge music the entire night and chill the entire night. But again, it’s just plain sad if you did it alone. Last choice would be to go pig out at the nearby RM20 per head all-you-can-eat-southern-fried-chicken buffet restaurant. That one’s just plain stupid actually.
But while I still haven’t figured out what I do want, I know what I DON’T want. – a barrage of hollow Facebook well wishes.
This is one of the ugly heads of Facebook. One day in a year, your wall will be bombarded with shallow, meaningless birthday wishes from people whom without Facebook, would not even remember how you look like, let alone remember your birthday. In anticipation of this, I have hid my birthday in my privacy settings. I’m not really interested in the well wishes of people who don’t care. Same goes for those who send cute but impersonal emails or text messages about how friends are like stars that you don’t always see but are always there. Sending me spam on my birthday isn’t a gift, it’s an insult.
A birthday is a personal event meant to be celebrated in a personal way. If you want to celebrate or wish someone well on their birthday, please remember these few simple words - up close & personal. Is a call really so hard? Is a cup of coffee really so expensive? If you don’t want to do these things, then the best thing you can do is nothing. A dignified silence is better than an insincere wish – to me at least.
Sigh….
I don’t know what the hell’s wrong with me.
Maybe…. Maybe…… what’s truly truly upsetting me when I woke up this morning is the thought that there is a very strong likelihood that I will be spending my birthday alone. There is no party being planned. And even if there was, I’d immediately object to it. My family bought me a birthday lunch last Sunday, so I really don’t want to make them do it twice. I don’t expect anything from any of my friends. I have spared the lot of them the need to send me half hearted wishes by not revealing it. And those I consider dear to me – well frankly I’d still love them even if they don’t remember. What they do for me for the rest of the 364 days of the year means so much more. Whether or not they remember doesn’t affect the status of our friendship. Heck, even my own father never gets my birthday right.
People were right when they said they never know what to get me. They say I’m complicated and hard to read. I’m inclined to agree. But what I want on my birthday is the same thing I want every other day. In fact, it’s the same thing everybody wants every day of their lives.
I just want to be appreciated. I just want to know that my tiny little existence has had some sort of meaningful effect on the people I deal with in life. I just want to know that all the things I have done in service of others have not been for for nothing. I want to be reaffirmed that whenever I put others before me, it is not in vain - that the act is acknowledged and appreciated. The only thing I want on the day I was given life, is the assurance that my existence is of meaning to others.
That’s all.
That’s all I ever want
I asked myself what I’d like to do on my birthday, and found that I don’t really know. How DOES a person celebrate his own birthday? I know of some people who go around announcing the big occasion to everyone and anyone practically fishing for gifts and well wishes. But I don’t think I could ever bring myself to do that. I’ve always been a bit low profile about such things. I think it’s wrong making a big deal out of yourself. Having people celebrate me is awkward enough without having to oblige people to do it.
Birthdays are supposed to be a big deal, and yet I hardly remember any of them. I don’t know what I did on my 16th, 18th or 21st. The only consistent thing I remember of my birthdays is that people always complain that they don’t know what to get for me. And it gets even more difficult when I tell them that there really is nothing I want. Nothing you can buy from stores anyway. They all inevitably end up giving me things like books without really knowing what I do and don’t read. But truth be told, gifts don’t really do it for me. I’m not the kind that gets touched by the thing you bought, but more by what is conveys. To me, a good gift isn’t one that is shiny, polished or expensive. But one that is deliberate and personal. The kind that shows that you remember what they said, you took note of what they liked, or what they needed at the time. Buying me a pair of polka dot sox because you remember I needed them would mean a lot more to me than say buying an expensive tie which I’d chuck to the side anyway. I don’t know if people understand that.
This year has been a year of solitude for me; with a lot of time spent alone – sometimes by circumstances, sometimes by choice. But I don’t think I’ve ever felt quite so lonely, quite so needy, and quite so vulnerable. And I guess that pretty much sums up how I’ve been feeling most of the year – lonely, needy & vulnerable. And I’ve been way too intense, and way too serious to be any sort of fun to be around this year. Even I know it.
But like I said, I don’t know what I’m going to do on my birthday.
I thought of taking the day off. Maybe go on a road trip travelling the country for a day with my camera taking pictures of whatever comes my way. I suppose that’d be quite an interesting thing to do. But I suspect doing it alone would actually make me more depressed than anything else. Otherwise, I’d want to go somewhere where there are nice comfortable seats with a live band playing lounge music the entire night and chill the entire night. But again, it’s just plain sad if you did it alone. Last choice would be to go pig out at the nearby RM20 per head all-you-can-eat-southern-fried-chicken buffet restaurant. That one’s just plain stupid actually.
But while I still haven’t figured out what I do want, I know what I DON’T want. – a barrage of hollow Facebook well wishes.
This is one of the ugly heads of Facebook. One day in a year, your wall will be bombarded with shallow, meaningless birthday wishes from people whom without Facebook, would not even remember how you look like, let alone remember your birthday. In anticipation of this, I have hid my birthday in my privacy settings. I’m not really interested in the well wishes of people who don’t care. Same goes for those who send cute but impersonal emails or text messages about how friends are like stars that you don’t always see but are always there. Sending me spam on my birthday isn’t a gift, it’s an insult.
A birthday is a personal event meant to be celebrated in a personal way. If you want to celebrate or wish someone well on their birthday, please remember these few simple words - up close & personal. Is a call really so hard? Is a cup of coffee really so expensive? If you don’t want to do these things, then the best thing you can do is nothing. A dignified silence is better than an insincere wish – to me at least.
Sigh….
I don’t know what the hell’s wrong with me.
Maybe…. Maybe…… what’s truly truly upsetting me when I woke up this morning is the thought that there is a very strong likelihood that I will be spending my birthday alone. There is no party being planned. And even if there was, I’d immediately object to it. My family bought me a birthday lunch last Sunday, so I really don’t want to make them do it twice. I don’t expect anything from any of my friends. I have spared the lot of them the need to send me half hearted wishes by not revealing it. And those I consider dear to me – well frankly I’d still love them even if they don’t remember. What they do for me for the rest of the 364 days of the year means so much more. Whether or not they remember doesn’t affect the status of our friendship. Heck, even my own father never gets my birthday right.
People were right when they said they never know what to get me. They say I’m complicated and hard to read. I’m inclined to agree. But what I want on my birthday is the same thing I want every other day. In fact, it’s the same thing everybody wants every day of their lives.
I just want to be appreciated. I just want to know that my tiny little existence has had some sort of meaningful effect on the people I deal with in life. I just want to know that all the things I have done in service of others have not been for for nothing. I want to be reaffirmed that whenever I put others before me, it is not in vain - that the act is acknowledged and appreciated. The only thing I want on the day I was given life, is the assurance that my existence is of meaning to others.
That’s all.
That’s all I ever want
A Crappy Day
Free MP3 Downloads at MP3-Codes.com
I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. I'm feeling like crap. And when I'm feeling like crap.. I like listening to songs like these.. to sort of sooth myself. Something about the deep, low tone of the celo combined with the piano gliding through the notes and the singer singing passionately yet in such a nonchalant kind of way... calms me down.
I'm know a lot of people think acting like you know how to enjoy jazz music is a bit highbrow. But I just like how it sounds, that's all. I don't really know a lot about jazz except that some (like this one) sounds oh-so-awesome... and some just like their making stuff up and trying to make it look deliberate.
Anyway... on this crappy Monday afternoon.. when everything seems to just seem that bit off key, I don't want to talk about what happened. I don't want to talk about who pissed me off. I don't want to talk about what's wrong. I just want to lie in bed, listen to my music, stare at my phone and pretend that through sheer willpower, the right person is going to call and ask me how I am.
And for a change, I'd like to be completely selfish in that conversation. I'd like for that person to be totally unconcerned about themselves and listen to what I have to say. For me to rant and vent for a change. I'd want to bitch on and on and on about the this idiot and that moron, this annoying thing and that stupid thing. And at the end of it all.. I'd just want that person to say "Hey.. it's OK, you're just having a bad day. Let me buy you dinner OK?" And I will smile and in my heart, it will already start feeling like perhaps the day wasn't totally crappy after all.
SIGH............
Me and my silly talk. I annoy even myself sometimes.
i-Phone Bibles & Snuggling
I'm old school.
I don't like it when people bring their Bibles on their i-Phones when going to church on Sundays. I believe the Bible is far too important and sacred to have it converged with something else like your MP3 player or phone. It's OK to have it to complement your bible, but never to replace it. If you think it's too much of an inconvenience to bring your old fashion, paper printed Bible along with you on a Sunday morning to church, something is seriously wrong with you.
And to the unmarried couple that was sitting in front of me, please refrain from snuggling and showing public displays of affection especially during when the Word of God is being preached.
You may not think it's a big deal, but it's distracting people (namely me) from their attempts at coming before God with a focused mind and heart.
I don't like it when people bring their Bibles on their i-Phones when going to church on Sundays. I believe the Bible is far too important and sacred to have it converged with something else like your MP3 player or phone. It's OK to have it to complement your bible, but never to replace it. If you think it's too much of an inconvenience to bring your old fashion, paper printed Bible along with you on a Sunday morning to church, something is seriously wrong with you.
And to the unmarried couple that was sitting in front of me, please refrain from snuggling and showing public displays of affection especially during when the Word of God is being preached.
You may not think it's a big deal, but it's distracting people (namely me) from their attempts at coming before God with a focused mind and heart.
Love, Hope, Kindness
I really don’t know.
I guess that’s just life.. I think deep down inside we all believe that if we believe in something deeply enough, if we want something badly enough – that through sheer willpower, it will come true. We do this all the time. In our work, In our relationships, in our lives. People are such hopeful creatures - to the point where we actually deceive ourselves with our optimism.
We’re all stubborn in that sense. We refuse to give up on things like love, hope and kindness even if they seemed to have failed us repeatedly in this life. A big part of us needs to believe as human beings that these ideals and values hold true in this world. Otherwise we will all live in nothing but despair.
Sometimes I really do wish I could do more for people. It breaks my heart watching them as they struggle to pick themselves up having gone through failed relationships, wrong decisions or repeated mistakes. How I wish I could just show up and give them all the right instructions in order so that they need not go through even an ounce of pain and suffering anymore. Though it is not I who suffers directly, I put myself in their shoes, and I feel their pain, and I experience their hurt.
But I can’t. No one can. There is no ‘Dummies Guide’ on how to be happy. There is no definitive guide on how not to make mistakes, or avoid heartache or suffering. As we grow older, though the wiser we seem to get, the harder the challenges life seems to throw at us. It seems like every time we think we’ve learned something to prepare us for the next challenge, life ups the level and we are faced with a problem we again don’t automatically know the answer to. We’re always learning, just one step behind. Just when we think we’ve got It all figured out, life throws a curveball at us and we find ourselves having to learn and relearn what we thought we already knew.
I used to be only too eager to offer people all sorts of advice and pointers – as if there were pre-determined steps you should do for each given situation. There’s a key to every door, a solution to every problem, an advice to every problem. But I stopped doing that – especially when it’s matters of the heart. People who want advice know where to seek it. But more often than not, people already know what they need to do. The thing we need most, is just someone to listen… listen and understand… understand and support - a warm hug, a pat on the shoulder, a word of encouragement. We don’t want the comfort of solutions. We want the comfort of love. More important than knowing a way out of the dark hole we are in, we want to know we are not alone - that we are loved no matter what. That there will ALWAYS be someone who cares for us. That as volatile and unpredictable as life can be, SOME things will always hold true, SOME things will never change, SOME people will always be there for us. We need that. We need that so much.
Like I said, I really don’t know.
I’m out of insight. I know only that whatever happens in life happens for a reason. Some, we figure out later, others we never will. But I believe they do. Sometimes, the reason extends beyond us. There are higher purposes in life that extend beyond our personal self. Just because we don’t entirely understand, doesn’t mean we cannot humbly learn to accept them. When we accept with our heart something we cannot entire prove, it becomes faith.
But like I said, we’re all a bunch of stubborn donkeys in some sense. Though we hurt and we grieve, we cry and we wail, we scream and we shout, we refuse to let our hearts turn into mechanical, emotionless organs. We’d rather put up with the pain than let go of the dogmatic believe that living life filled with love, hope and kindness IS the best and ONLY way to live. Because to live life without these things, isn’t what we’d call living.
Tell you friends – you don’t need advice.
You just need love, hope and kindness.
I guess that’s just life.. I think deep down inside we all believe that if we believe in something deeply enough, if we want something badly enough – that through sheer willpower, it will come true. We do this all the time. In our work, In our relationships, in our lives. People are such hopeful creatures - to the point where we actually deceive ourselves with our optimism.
We’re all stubborn in that sense. We refuse to give up on things like love, hope and kindness even if they seemed to have failed us repeatedly in this life. A big part of us needs to believe as human beings that these ideals and values hold true in this world. Otherwise we will all live in nothing but despair.
Sometimes I really do wish I could do more for people. It breaks my heart watching them as they struggle to pick themselves up having gone through failed relationships, wrong decisions or repeated mistakes. How I wish I could just show up and give them all the right instructions in order so that they need not go through even an ounce of pain and suffering anymore. Though it is not I who suffers directly, I put myself in their shoes, and I feel their pain, and I experience their hurt.
But I can’t. No one can. There is no ‘Dummies Guide’ on how to be happy. There is no definitive guide on how not to make mistakes, or avoid heartache or suffering. As we grow older, though the wiser we seem to get, the harder the challenges life seems to throw at us. It seems like every time we think we’ve learned something to prepare us for the next challenge, life ups the level and we are faced with a problem we again don’t automatically know the answer to. We’re always learning, just one step behind. Just when we think we’ve got It all figured out, life throws a curveball at us and we find ourselves having to learn and relearn what we thought we already knew.
I used to be only too eager to offer people all sorts of advice and pointers – as if there were pre-determined steps you should do for each given situation. There’s a key to every door, a solution to every problem, an advice to every problem. But I stopped doing that – especially when it’s matters of the heart. People who want advice know where to seek it. But more often than not, people already know what they need to do. The thing we need most, is just someone to listen… listen and understand… understand and support - a warm hug, a pat on the shoulder, a word of encouragement. We don’t want the comfort of solutions. We want the comfort of love. More important than knowing a way out of the dark hole we are in, we want to know we are not alone - that we are loved no matter what. That there will ALWAYS be someone who cares for us. That as volatile and unpredictable as life can be, SOME things will always hold true, SOME things will never change, SOME people will always be there for us. We need that. We need that so much.
Like I said, I really don’t know.
I’m out of insight. I know only that whatever happens in life happens for a reason. Some, we figure out later, others we never will. But I believe they do. Sometimes, the reason extends beyond us. There are higher purposes in life that extend beyond our personal self. Just because we don’t entirely understand, doesn’t mean we cannot humbly learn to accept them. When we accept with our heart something we cannot entire prove, it becomes faith.
But like I said, we’re all a bunch of stubborn donkeys in some sense. Though we hurt and we grieve, we cry and we wail, we scream and we shout, we refuse to let our hearts turn into mechanical, emotionless organs. We’d rather put up with the pain than let go of the dogmatic believe that living life filled with love, hope and kindness IS the best and ONLY way to live. Because to live life without these things, isn’t what we’d call living.
Tell you friends – you don’t need advice.
You just need love, hope and kindness.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Coffee With Me
Ever thought of a cup of coffee?
We can sit at a corner, just you and me.
You can tell me where you’re from.
And I can tell you where I’ve been.
We’ll talk about love and life.
And you can tell me why you need 6 different shoes.
I’ll listen to you ask you speak about your life.
And you’ll wonder why talking to me seems so easy.
We’ll chat and laugh for hours till we become silent
And I’ll ask if you find the silence awkward.
You’ll say there’s something nice about me.
I’ll shake my head and tell you the truth - I’m actually nervous
I act weirdly when I have caffeine or am around pretty women.
You’ll say I ordered decaf and I’ll say – there you go.
You’ll look at the time and say we really should go.
You’ll try to pay but I’ll insist that I do.
I’ll tell you a lie – you can pay the next time.
You’ll say OK, and I’ll secretly leap for joy.
Because it means you’d want to see me again.
I’ll walk with you all the way to your car.
You’ll say you had a really nice time.
And I’ll say the pleasure really was all mine.
You’ll drive off and I’ll wave goodbye.
I’ll skip to a beat as you turn out of sight.
I’ll slowly recall all the things we said.
Having coffee really does things to you head.
We can sit at a corner, just you and me.
You can tell me where you’re from.
And I can tell you where I’ve been.
We’ll talk about love and life.
And you can tell me why you need 6 different shoes.
I’ll listen to you ask you speak about your life.
And you’ll wonder why talking to me seems so easy.
We’ll chat and laugh for hours till we become silent
And I’ll ask if you find the silence awkward.
You’ll say there’s something nice about me.
I’ll shake my head and tell you the truth - I’m actually nervous
I act weirdly when I have caffeine or am around pretty women.
You’ll say I ordered decaf and I’ll say – there you go.
You’ll look at the time and say we really should go.
You’ll try to pay but I’ll insist that I do.
I’ll tell you a lie – you can pay the next time.
You’ll say OK, and I’ll secretly leap for joy.
Because it means you’d want to see me again.
I’ll walk with you all the way to your car.
You’ll say you had a really nice time.
And I’ll say the pleasure really was all mine.
You’ll drive off and I’ll wave goodbye.
I’ll skip to a beat as you turn out of sight.
I’ll slowly recall all the things we said.
Having coffee really does things to you head.
Friday, July 23, 2010
New Layout : Simplicity and Me
So I finally updated my blog template..... but only after Blogger made it as easy enough for me to actually do some meaningful adjustments without having to learn how to read and write HTML.
And after about an hour of clicking away, I present to you...........
Sadly, I really have absolutely zero art or design skills. I'm hopeless at anything creative. People talk about always needing to think out of the box. I can't. I'm in the box. I'm the center of the box. I AM the freaking box.
Everytime I have tried revamping my blog I tell myself I'm going to make the most awesome looking blog ever.. not that many people are going to read it anyway (but one can always dream)... So I click, click and click away... The annoying thing about myself is that I inevitably end up going complete black, complete white, or something plain. Then when I realize I'm not getting anywhere near awesome, I scrap the whole idea and am left with my original crude and elementary looking blog.
But I think I will always want my blog to look plain and simple. I don't think I am ever going to shake that off. No one actually thought me this, but I do believe plain and simple allows you to focus on the content with no distractions.
And truth be told, I think I'm the kind of guy that constantly strives for simplicity. I think there is much beauty in simplicity. The ironic part is, I think of myself as rather complicated. I tell everyone I'm just your regular joe.. the most ordinary guy you will ever meet... but deep down inside, I actually feel more like a lonely alien. I haven't met any guys around me who actually say the things I say, feel the way I feel, or do the things I do....
Someone once said to me that it's because I was 'different'.....
But heck everyone's 'different'...
I think I'm really just WEIRD....
Which is probably why I strive for simplicity. To counter the complicated side of me. The outward appearance of simplicity is meant to shield and hide the inner sense of complexity.
Which totally explains in some convoluted way how this blog ended up looking like this.
Make sense?
No?
Oh what the heck, it's just a bloody blog anyway.
And after about an hour of clicking away, I present to you...........
........ the most plain, simple and ordinary run-of-the-mill looking blog you will ever come across.
Sadly, I really have absolutely zero art or design skills. I'm hopeless at anything creative. People talk about always needing to think out of the box. I can't. I'm in the box. I'm the center of the box. I AM the freaking box.
Everytime I have tried revamping my blog I tell myself I'm going to make the most awesome looking blog ever.. not that many people are going to read it anyway (but one can always dream)... So I click, click and click away... The annoying thing about myself is that I inevitably end up going complete black, complete white, or something plain. Then when I realize I'm not getting anywhere near awesome, I scrap the whole idea and am left with my original crude and elementary looking blog.
But I think I will always want my blog to look plain and simple. I don't think I am ever going to shake that off. No one actually thought me this, but I do believe plain and simple allows you to focus on the content with no distractions.
And truth be told, I think I'm the kind of guy that constantly strives for simplicity. I think there is much beauty in simplicity. The ironic part is, I think of myself as rather complicated. I tell everyone I'm just your regular joe.. the most ordinary guy you will ever meet... but deep down inside, I actually feel more like a lonely alien. I haven't met any guys around me who actually say the things I say, feel the way I feel, or do the things I do....
Someone once said to me that it's because I was 'different'.....
But heck everyone's 'different'...
I think I'm really just WEIRD....
Which is probably why I strive for simplicity. To counter the complicated side of me. The outward appearance of simplicity is meant to shield and hide the inner sense of complexity.
Which totally explains in some convoluted way how this blog ended up looking like this.
Make sense?
No?
Oh what the heck, it's just a bloody blog anyway.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
When Staying Away is Good for You
Have you ever deliberately stayed away from someone because you thought you were bad for them?
In the quietness of my mind today, I considered for the very first time in my life this possibility – that my presence is actually bad for some people. And that I should deliberately stay away.
It was quite a radical thought for me, because up till this point I never really considered myself a walking hazard to other people. I don’t create trouble, I don’t stir up issues and I certainly don’t go around provoking others. On the contrary, I view myself as some sort of love-advocating-diplomacy-bounding-peace-keeping-kinda-guy. I never once considered that perhaps I could actually be ‘bad for someone’. Those that are actually bad for someone are the ones that are trouble makers, the ones that seem to bring nothing more than problems to those around them. THOSE are the kinds of guys that do (or otherwise should) feel that way. But not goody-two-shoes me.
And then today came. And for some reason I found myself thinking long and hard about some of the consequences of not only my actions but also my very presence has had on the people around me. How has my presence affected others? Have I brought more blessings or problems to them? What about my actions? Have they done more harm than good? What about the way I’ve been handling my relationships? Have I brought more hurt than comfort? Have I simplified and cleared things or did I just complicated and blurr things? How has the way I treat them affected the way they see things? How has it changed the way they think, feel and act?
Truth be told, there was no way I could know these answers for certain. How do you gauge what was and wasn’t a direct consequence of your presence or action? Unlike other things, life, relationships and emotions are organic & fluid in nature. They change moment to moment in response to many things. Everything shapes and molds it, but nothing actually holds and controls it.
It’s tempting to give yourself many brownie points. “I’m not a bad person” I thought to myself. But this wasn’t about how good I am.. this was about how good I have been for other people… especially those who mattered to me. And the more I thought about it, the more I digged out memories from the past, the more the illusion of me being such a blessing to others was destroyed. Perhaps on the surface, this might not seem so to people. “He’s such a nice guy” they will say… But in my heart, I know of all the dirty deeds done, the secret sins thought, planned and committed with little hesitation. And through those actions, I had hurt people deeply. And ironically, I realized that it was the people I swore in the name of love never to hurt who were the ones I hurt the most. Like drawing close t a flame, the closer they drew to me,worse they got burnt.
And that was when the thought came to me – that perhaps if I truly wanted to protect them, the best thing I could do was stay away from them.
More dangerous than the enemy you see, is the one unseen. Especially the ones that seem to come as your friend. Perhaps that was me – a wolf in sheep clothing. A person that walked, talked and acted like something pure and innocent but underneath – an unrepentant smooth talker waiting for you to let your guard down before pouncing. And knowing myself, people do eventually let their guard down around me… they think I’m trustworthy, they think it’s safe to let me in, they think I will do no harm. And that’s the scariest part for me. That people would trust me more than I would myself. I cannot guarantee that no harm will be done. Circumstances beyond my control will come in. My own weakness will come in. I am neither capable nor strong enough to come into someone’s life and not end up hurting them intentionally or not. Never again will I try reassuring someone that I will do nothing to hurt them, because I know I will.
But the only way to love someone in its broadest sense was to enter into their lives. But entering into their lives, I inevitably hurt them. Suddenly I didn’t know if I’ve been loving people in the right way. Is it possible to love someone without hurting them? Have I been doing it wrong? I ask myself who among those I loved were willing to love at the price of also being hurt. I knew some who have suffered through my misdeeds and still continue to be around… I hoped that meant that having me around was worth it for them. What about others? What about those who seem to think I’m this harmless guy? What about those with fragile hearts that need healing rather than more hurt? What about the ones who might think my friendship / relationship ISN’T worth the pain? I cannot tell anybody it will ever be worth it.
And so I concluded - as much as I may desire otherwise, to these people, perhaps it’s better for them that I stay away.
In the quietness of my mind today, I considered for the very first time in my life this possibility – that my presence is actually bad for some people. And that I should deliberately stay away.
It was quite a radical thought for me, because up till this point I never really considered myself a walking hazard to other people. I don’t create trouble, I don’t stir up issues and I certainly don’t go around provoking others. On the contrary, I view myself as some sort of love-advocating-diplomacy-bounding-peace-keeping-kinda-guy. I never once considered that perhaps I could actually be ‘bad for someone’. Those that are actually bad for someone are the ones that are trouble makers, the ones that seem to bring nothing more than problems to those around them. THOSE are the kinds of guys that do (or otherwise should) feel that way. But not goody-two-shoes me.
And then today came. And for some reason I found myself thinking long and hard about some of the consequences of not only my actions but also my very presence has had on the people around me. How has my presence affected others? Have I brought more blessings or problems to them? What about my actions? Have they done more harm than good? What about the way I’ve been handling my relationships? Have I brought more hurt than comfort? Have I simplified and cleared things or did I just complicated and blurr things? How has the way I treat them affected the way they see things? How has it changed the way they think, feel and act?
Truth be told, there was no way I could know these answers for certain. How do you gauge what was and wasn’t a direct consequence of your presence or action? Unlike other things, life, relationships and emotions are organic & fluid in nature. They change moment to moment in response to many things. Everything shapes and molds it, but nothing actually holds and controls it.
It’s tempting to give yourself many brownie points. “I’m not a bad person” I thought to myself. But this wasn’t about how good I am.. this was about how good I have been for other people… especially those who mattered to me. And the more I thought about it, the more I digged out memories from the past, the more the illusion of me being such a blessing to others was destroyed. Perhaps on the surface, this might not seem so to people. “He’s such a nice guy” they will say… But in my heart, I know of all the dirty deeds done, the secret sins thought, planned and committed with little hesitation. And through those actions, I had hurt people deeply. And ironically, I realized that it was the people I swore in the name of love never to hurt who were the ones I hurt the most. Like drawing close t a flame, the closer they drew to me,worse they got burnt.
And that was when the thought came to me – that perhaps if I truly wanted to protect them, the best thing I could do was stay away from them.
More dangerous than the enemy you see, is the one unseen. Especially the ones that seem to come as your friend. Perhaps that was me – a wolf in sheep clothing. A person that walked, talked and acted like something pure and innocent but underneath – an unrepentant smooth talker waiting for you to let your guard down before pouncing. And knowing myself, people do eventually let their guard down around me… they think I’m trustworthy, they think it’s safe to let me in, they think I will do no harm. And that’s the scariest part for me. That people would trust me more than I would myself. I cannot guarantee that no harm will be done. Circumstances beyond my control will come in. My own weakness will come in. I am neither capable nor strong enough to come into someone’s life and not end up hurting them intentionally or not. Never again will I try reassuring someone that I will do nothing to hurt them, because I know I will.
But the only way to love someone in its broadest sense was to enter into their lives. But entering into their lives, I inevitably hurt them. Suddenly I didn’t know if I’ve been loving people in the right way. Is it possible to love someone without hurting them? Have I been doing it wrong? I ask myself who among those I loved were willing to love at the price of also being hurt. I knew some who have suffered through my misdeeds and still continue to be around… I hoped that meant that having me around was worth it for them. What about others? What about those who seem to think I’m this harmless guy? What about those with fragile hearts that need healing rather than more hurt? What about the ones who might think my friendship / relationship ISN’T worth the pain? I cannot tell anybody it will ever be worth it.
And so I concluded - as much as I may desire otherwise, to these people, perhaps it’s better for them that I stay away.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
The Widow's Offering
“That’s why I got into this business. I wanted to have the freedom to plan and do what I want, not do what others plan for me. And I believe once I’ve made it, I want to go out and help other people. After all, once your secured there really is need to worry anymore and I can just focus on what I really want to do in life.”
“So what DO you want to do then, once you’ve made it?”
“We plan to take a 2 year mission trip….”
“Mission trip as in…….. “
He didn’t exactly seem the spiritual type.
“As in we want to go on the MV Logos Hope for 2 years, which is the replacement for the Doulos ship.. and I want to use what I know about nutrition to help the people in need in far flung countries. And I also want to bring protein supplies for them… I think they severely need that….”
I kind of cringed at that. Here you go with your protein drinks again. But who was I to judge. I mean.. at least this guy had a plan to help others. I didn’t even have a plan for myself. I walked away from dinner that night thinking this guy isn’t so bad after all. For many years, I had labeled him as a money chaser. The kind of people whose ultimate goal in life was basically to have enough money that he will ever spend. They were talking the whole night about how they plan to do three wedding photo shoots, one in Paris, one in Dubai and one last one in San Francisco, where their wedding will be held. The kind of money they were spending on a silly photo shoot was obscene. I had to stop myself from smashing my head with a plate. He and his fiancée (our old time friend) were of the similar mold. They were showy and flashy, shallow and in my opinion, namesake Christians. This revelation surprised me somewhat because I didn’t think they were capable of any sort of selfless acts. I told myself that I should stop judging people by their appearances and instead try to learn something from this guys industriousness. I mean, he had it made. He could give his fiancée and his family every single thing money can buy AND have enough spare change to start doing humanitarian work. It’s hard not to envy that. It’s hard not to wish you were as capable as that guy.
I woke up the next morning with the conversations of last night still lingering in my head. Something wasn’t quite right… Something out of place.
I recalled a separate recent conversation I had with my fiancée about money and helping people. One of her former colleagues was in desperate need of cash. Her family had got caught up in a lot of debt, defaulted on a lot of repayments and now the bank was threatening to reclaim their house. Her only solution was to quit her job and work in the middle east where the pay would be 5 times more. BUT… she needed to repay the bond she had to the hospital before they could release her. And for that she needed cash. It was a catch 22 situation. She needed to leave because she needed money. But she needed money before she could leave. And no one was willing to help; not the bank, not the relatives, and not even her so called close friends. My fiancée sitting 5000 miles away called me up and said she wanted to help her. She wanted to give her the money she needed. I objected. This wasn’t even a person we particularly liked. I didn’t know her very well. Why should we help when we can’t even be sure if she’s trustworthy? AND… we had our own needs to. We needed the money too….. for so many valid and legitimate reasons. We had 3 old folks and 1 college student dependent on us for survival. We had bills to pay, rent to keep and a wedding to pay for ourselves. We weren’t exactly in the best of positions to start giving out huge sums of money to people who were neither close to us nor related to us in any way. I seriously thought she was crazy. But she was adamant about it…. and she said that she wanted my blessing in this decision but if she didn’t she was going to proceed anyway. Which obviously got me pissed off.
I battled the issue for days and weeks in my heart. This made not a sensible decision. This was not a wise thing to do. All for what? For the sake of wanting to come across as noble and giving? No. I knew this was not the reason. She knew the risk involved. But she chose to trust her. And in her own words, she believed that this was the right thing to do. And that was what swung me over. Because I knew that that was the truth. Lending her money would cost us dearly, but it WAS the right thing to do. We love because we were first loved. We blessed because we were first blessed. We graciously help others even when we aren’t obliged to.. because we have received help from others even though they were not obliged to. It’s not some sort of law. It’s love.
I agreed and gave it my full blessing. I personally did the transaction and met up with the friend. She was given strict instructions not to tell anyone about it. There was no need for other people to know about it. That night I went home and prayed to God committing the money and what we had just did into His hands. It may yet turn out to be a mistake. Or she keep her promise and return the money to us one day. It was up to Him. Either way, I prayed that in all of this our deeds and our heart was in the right place. Not to brag, not to boast, not to earn praise, not to gain merits in the sight of God, but to love others in consistence to how God loved us.
I thought about that, and I thought about what this guy was planning to do… and the difference became as apparent as day and night.
This man was saying that ONCE he made it big, ONCE he has nothing to lose, ONCE there is no risk, THEN he will help others, THEN he will go out and start being selfless. What’s wrong with that? It’s that very subtly, it’s saying that ‘I still come first’…. Other people, be it the homeless, the poor, the sick or the malnourished – they still come second. I will only start helping other people once I’m totally secure. It reveals that at the very core, we are still selfish at heart. And when you disguise that with statements that come across as being noble and giving on the surface, you’re now not only selfish, but also a hypocrite.
Honestly, this was how I used to think too. In my heart, I knew that I was never going to risk anything of my own in order to help someone else. But it’s cheap talk for a millionaire to say he’s going to give out money because he already has loads of it. It’s cheap talk to say you’re going to spend your time feeding the poor when it doesn't mean you having to lose your food. It’s cheap talk to help others when that deed personally cost you nothing. And when doing something cost you nothing, in the eyes of God it is of little value. I am reminded of the Parable of the Widow’s Mite.
Mark 12:41-44 - The Widow's Offering
Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a fraction of a penny. Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on.
In life, nothing of value is gained without sacrifice. And the measure of your deeds isn’t by how much others gained from it, but from how much it cost you. And that is the truth.
“So what DO you want to do then, once you’ve made it?”
“We plan to take a 2 year mission trip….”
“Mission trip as in…….. “
He didn’t exactly seem the spiritual type.
“As in we want to go on the MV Logos Hope for 2 years, which is the replacement for the Doulos ship.. and I want to use what I know about nutrition to help the people in need in far flung countries. And I also want to bring protein supplies for them… I think they severely need that….”
I kind of cringed at that. Here you go with your protein drinks again. But who was I to judge. I mean.. at least this guy had a plan to help others. I didn’t even have a plan for myself. I walked away from dinner that night thinking this guy isn’t so bad after all. For many years, I had labeled him as a money chaser. The kind of people whose ultimate goal in life was basically to have enough money that he will ever spend. They were talking the whole night about how they plan to do three wedding photo shoots, one in Paris, one in Dubai and one last one in San Francisco, where their wedding will be held. The kind of money they were spending on a silly photo shoot was obscene. I had to stop myself from smashing my head with a plate. He and his fiancée (our old time friend) were of the similar mold. They were showy and flashy, shallow and in my opinion, namesake Christians. This revelation surprised me somewhat because I didn’t think they were capable of any sort of selfless acts. I told myself that I should stop judging people by their appearances and instead try to learn something from this guys industriousness. I mean, he had it made. He could give his fiancée and his family every single thing money can buy AND have enough spare change to start doing humanitarian work. It’s hard not to envy that. It’s hard not to wish you were as capable as that guy.
I woke up the next morning with the conversations of last night still lingering in my head. Something wasn’t quite right… Something out of place.
***********
I recalled a separate recent conversation I had with my fiancée about money and helping people. One of her former colleagues was in desperate need of cash. Her family had got caught up in a lot of debt, defaulted on a lot of repayments and now the bank was threatening to reclaim their house. Her only solution was to quit her job and work in the middle east where the pay would be 5 times more. BUT… she needed to repay the bond she had to the hospital before they could release her. And for that she needed cash. It was a catch 22 situation. She needed to leave because she needed money. But she needed money before she could leave. And no one was willing to help; not the bank, not the relatives, and not even her so called close friends. My fiancée sitting 5000 miles away called me up and said she wanted to help her. She wanted to give her the money she needed. I objected. This wasn’t even a person we particularly liked. I didn’t know her very well. Why should we help when we can’t even be sure if she’s trustworthy? AND… we had our own needs to. We needed the money too….. for so many valid and legitimate reasons. We had 3 old folks and 1 college student dependent on us for survival. We had bills to pay, rent to keep and a wedding to pay for ourselves. We weren’t exactly in the best of positions to start giving out huge sums of money to people who were neither close to us nor related to us in any way. I seriously thought she was crazy. But she was adamant about it…. and she said that she wanted my blessing in this decision but if she didn’t she was going to proceed anyway. Which obviously got me pissed off.
I battled the issue for days and weeks in my heart. This made not a sensible decision. This was not a wise thing to do. All for what? For the sake of wanting to come across as noble and giving? No. I knew this was not the reason. She knew the risk involved. But she chose to trust her. And in her own words, she believed that this was the right thing to do. And that was what swung me over. Because I knew that that was the truth. Lending her money would cost us dearly, but it WAS the right thing to do. We love because we were first loved. We blessed because we were first blessed. We graciously help others even when we aren’t obliged to.. because we have received help from others even though they were not obliged to. It’s not some sort of law. It’s love.
I agreed and gave it my full blessing. I personally did the transaction and met up with the friend. She was given strict instructions not to tell anyone about it. There was no need for other people to know about it. That night I went home and prayed to God committing the money and what we had just did into His hands. It may yet turn out to be a mistake. Or she keep her promise and return the money to us one day. It was up to Him. Either way, I prayed that in all of this our deeds and our heart was in the right place. Not to brag, not to boast, not to earn praise, not to gain merits in the sight of God, but to love others in consistence to how God loved us.
****************
I thought about that, and I thought about what this guy was planning to do… and the difference became as apparent as day and night.
This man was saying that ONCE he made it big, ONCE he has nothing to lose, ONCE there is no risk, THEN he will help others, THEN he will go out and start being selfless. What’s wrong with that? It’s that very subtly, it’s saying that ‘I still come first’…. Other people, be it the homeless, the poor, the sick or the malnourished – they still come second. I will only start helping other people once I’m totally secure. It reveals that at the very core, we are still selfish at heart. And when you disguise that with statements that come across as being noble and giving on the surface, you’re now not only selfish, but also a hypocrite.
Honestly, this was how I used to think too. In my heart, I knew that I was never going to risk anything of my own in order to help someone else. But it’s cheap talk for a millionaire to say he’s going to give out money because he already has loads of it. It’s cheap talk to say you’re going to spend your time feeding the poor when it doesn't mean you having to lose your food. It’s cheap talk to help others when that deed personally cost you nothing. And when doing something cost you nothing, in the eyes of God it is of little value. I am reminded of the Parable of the Widow’s Mite.
Mark 12:41-44 - The Widow's Offering
Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a fraction of a penny. Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on.
In life, nothing of value is gained without sacrifice. And the measure of your deeds isn’t by how much others gained from it, but from how much it cost you. And that is the truth.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Look
Look at me, I feel free,
I swim in oceans, and in the sea.
Look at the sky, see how I fly,
Free as a bird, you’ll never see me sigh.
It’s easy despair,
when life doesn’t seem all that fair.
when life doesn’t seem all that fair.
If you’ve look at your past
And feel that things never seem to last
Never lose hope – to live life, this is a must.
I look up ahead,
I remember what they said.
Life’s a beautiful journey,
(As long as you’re not an attorney.)
There will be ups and downs,
Just as there will be princes and clowns,
So brave the sea and conquer the sky.
Life doesn’t end the day we die.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
A Note to Self
Note to self:
Resist posting philosophical quotes, lyrics, lines or blog post on Facebook no matter how meaningful you think it is. Just because you think it’s awesome and insightful doesn’t mean others will too.
Tone done on your usage of Facebook. Stick to keeping in touch with friends, posting / viewing pictures and perhaps sharing one or two lighthearted videos. Facebook is not the place for you to shove your thoughts down other people’s throats.
Realize that you are lucky enough to have genuine and sincere friends. They may not be many, but that just makes them all the more precious. Treasure them. Make the effort. Stay in touch. Get involved in their lives. LISTEN. SHARE. HELP. LOVE.
When thinking about how no one seems to be reaching out to you, remember that others might be waiting for someone to reach out to them instead. Reach out to them instead of sitting and waiting for something to happen. The old saying is true – to gain a friend, you first have to be a friend.
Respond to people who reach out to you positively. Take it up when new opportunities of friendships arise. Do not burn bridges, but let go of those you feel are not keen. No matter how keen you are, it still takes two to clap, and if the other isn’t responding, you know it’s time to move on. Not every effort of friendship will bear fruit.
Learn to accept that others don’t share the values you have. Everyone has their own mind. You may think it is wrong. You may KNOW it’s wrong, but it is not your job to impose your will, values or morals upon others. However, it is your job to do the best you can do, uphold your integrity at all times and treat others with respect.
Remember to stay humble. Make sure you have a teachable heart. No one is above reproach. Admit your mistakes. Take responsibility. Help others. Focus less on fault finding and blaming, and focus on finding a solution and ways to improve.
Give thanks every day. Remember the grace of God in your life. He has opened your eyes and ears so that you are able to see the truth. He has blessed you in abundance in your life. He has shown you your great need for forgiveness. And he has taught you the joy of being a recipient of grace through forgiveness.
PRAY. Pray for your faith. Pray for your heart to be changed. Ask for strength to turn away from all your secret sins. Pray that God will manifest himself in your life and in your heart. Pray that in your weakness you will be made strong and that you will pick up your cross and follow Him, forsaking the selfish wants of your heart.
Pray for friends who are weak in faith. Pray for friends that do not have faith. Pray that they will come to know God in their lives. Pray that God will show them the way, guide them and protect them. Pray that their hearts will be open to receiving God’s word.
Keep love as the central theme of your life. Keep people as the central focus of your love. Empathy is the antidote for selfishness. Forgiveness is the antidote for bitterness. Live your life in a loving and compassionate manner towards others.
Constantly check if you exhibit these traits - Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. They are a good measure of the wellness of your heart.
Realize that you have more control than you know, but less than you think - meaning that our actions and decisions play a very big part in steering our lives and keeping it in the right direction. But total control is non-existent. Where we ultimately end up also depends on external factors that go beyond our control. Other people call that destiny or fate. We call it God’s plan for you.
On Facebook / Online Activities
Resist posting philosophical quotes, lyrics, lines or blog post on Facebook no matter how meaningful you think it is. Just because you think it’s awesome and insightful doesn’t mean others will too.
Tone done on your usage of Facebook. Stick to keeping in touch with friends, posting / viewing pictures and perhaps sharing one or two lighthearted videos. Facebook is not the place for you to shove your thoughts down other people’s throats.
On friends
Realize that you are lucky enough to have genuine and sincere friends. They may not be many, but that just makes them all the more precious. Treasure them. Make the effort. Stay in touch. Get involved in their lives. LISTEN. SHARE. HELP. LOVE.
When thinking about how no one seems to be reaching out to you, remember that others might be waiting for someone to reach out to them instead. Reach out to them instead of sitting and waiting for something to happen. The old saying is true – to gain a friend, you first have to be a friend.
Respond to people who reach out to you positively. Take it up when new opportunities of friendships arise. Do not burn bridges, but let go of those you feel are not keen. No matter how keen you are, it still takes two to clap, and if the other isn’t responding, you know it’s time to move on. Not every effort of friendship will bear fruit.
On work
Learn to accept that others don’t share the values you have. Everyone has their own mind. You may think it is wrong. You may KNOW it’s wrong, but it is not your job to impose your will, values or morals upon others. However, it is your job to do the best you can do, uphold your integrity at all times and treat others with respect.
Remember to stay humble. Make sure you have a teachable heart. No one is above reproach. Admit your mistakes. Take responsibility. Help others. Focus less on fault finding and blaming, and focus on finding a solution and ways to improve.
On faith
Give thanks every day. Remember the grace of God in your life. He has opened your eyes and ears so that you are able to see the truth. He has blessed you in abundance in your life. He has shown you your great need for forgiveness. And he has taught you the joy of being a recipient of grace through forgiveness.
PRAY. Pray for your faith. Pray for your heart to be changed. Ask for strength to turn away from all your secret sins. Pray that God will manifest himself in your life and in your heart. Pray that in your weakness you will be made strong and that you will pick up your cross and follow Him, forsaking the selfish wants of your heart.
Pray for friends who are weak in faith. Pray for friends that do not have faith. Pray that they will come to know God in their lives. Pray that God will show them the way, guide them and protect them. Pray that their hearts will be open to receiving God’s word.
On life
Keep love as the central theme of your life. Keep people as the central focus of your love. Empathy is the antidote for selfishness. Forgiveness is the antidote for bitterness. Live your life in a loving and compassionate manner towards others.
Constantly check if you exhibit these traits - Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. They are a good measure of the wellness of your heart.
Realize that you have more control than you know, but less than you think - meaning that our actions and decisions play a very big part in steering our lives and keeping it in the right direction. But total control is non-existent. Where we ultimately end up also depends on external factors that go beyond our control. Other people call that destiny or fate. We call it God’s plan for you.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Yawn...
Do you want to know something?
I am seriously seriously seriously a boring person. I'm not kidding.
Yesterday night I was busy watching videos regarding theories of the empathic civilization. During the World Cup matches, I was reading on Wikipedia about the life of the Apostle Barnabas and his subtle role in bringing the Paul to the other Apostles. I was also watching a video of a speech given by Billy Graham during a TED convention on the relation between technology, faith and suffering. For some reason, I started reading about what defines a geek, and realized that I'm pretty much it. I started reading A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens because I wanted to know why it is considered why it is considered one of the great English classics. And while everyone else was going on and on the new hit series Glee, I was busy watching free episodes of Seinfield online, arguably the most successful comedy of the 90's that was basically about nothing at all. That was only after I had completed watching Frasier of course... the other equally successful comedy of the 90's. In between, I watch whatever youtube videos I stumble upon, off humour comic strips like these, and these which I swear no one else ever seems to get. And that's just what I do online.
When it comes to pop culture, I'm hopelessly loss. I've never watched any of the supposed hit TV series like House, Lost, Glee, CSI or any of the sort. I'm completely oblivious to latest pop songs, not knowing who's hot and who's not. Just the other day, I heard of Justin Bieber for the first time... and frankly thought that a 16 year old baby singing 'Baby' was extremely idiotic & annoying. I have an obscure playlist consisting of the most country songs like this to long forgotten oldies like this, Bonjovi songs like this, French (yes, FRENCH) music soundtracks like this, Christian songs like this, and a dose of murderous R&B like this. That's just the tip of the iceberg... And I listen to them.. TOGETHER. Don't ask me what kind of music I like.. I'm still confused.
On weekends, my all time favourite activity still remains walking in the park in the evening. My idea of a good time is chatting over a cup of coffee, and my favourite channel on TV is National Geography / Animal Planet / Discovery Channel / History. When I go on a holiday somewhere, be it a beach, or a hill or a country side, the only thing I want to do, is NOTHING. That's my idea of a holiday.
And in my alone time what do I do? I jog. I read a bit.. but mostly I write all these silly little things that come to my head.
You might ask "Who the hell does this kind of things anyway? Exploring articles about abstract matters, reading books banished to the discount corner and the listening to the kind of music grandmothers and dead rappers approve of. Well... it seems I do. I do because I find that these are the things that interest me naturally. I don't do them because I have nothing else to do, but because they actually appeal to me. The problem starts when I start to realize that I'm pretty much the only one who seems to be behaving this way among the people I know. It's a bit of a lone ranger experience when you realize that people aren't that interested in the things that interest you. And it gets even more so when you realize that you're not really bothered that they don't - you're pretty much going to do whatever the hell you want even if it's not in sync with everyone else.
Back to what I first said, when I said I'm a boring person - it's actually a disclaimer. Because I realize that not many people find the things I do interesting, although I find them extremely interesting (hence the geek label). I'm not one of those fun guys. Many people find me to be too serious and generally.. serious people are no fun. No fun is another word for boring.
Having said that, I think some people do find me to be OK and treat me warmly. They are usually the people who are equally or more serious than I am, people who treat me like the lovable grandpa (with a few loose screws in the head) dispensing free advise, and one or two of the guys I keep locked up in my basement. But those bastards always try to suck up to me during mealtimes anyway.
Cheers
P/S : If you caught that last bit....chances are, we'll get along just fine. :-)
I am seriously seriously seriously a boring person. I'm not kidding.
Yesterday night I was busy watching videos regarding theories of the empathic civilization. During the World Cup matches, I was reading on Wikipedia about the life of the Apostle Barnabas and his subtle role in bringing the Paul to the other Apostles. I was also watching a video of a speech given by Billy Graham during a TED convention on the relation between technology, faith and suffering. For some reason, I started reading about what defines a geek, and realized that I'm pretty much it. I started reading A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens because I wanted to know why it is considered why it is considered one of the great English classics. And while everyone else was going on and on the new hit series Glee, I was busy watching free episodes of Seinfield online, arguably the most successful comedy of the 90's that was basically about nothing at all. That was only after I had completed watching Frasier of course... the other equally successful comedy of the 90's. In between, I watch whatever youtube videos I stumble upon, off humour comic strips like these, and these which I swear no one else ever seems to get. And that's just what I do online.
When it comes to pop culture, I'm hopelessly loss. I've never watched any of the supposed hit TV series like House, Lost, Glee, CSI or any of the sort. I'm completely oblivious to latest pop songs, not knowing who's hot and who's not. Just the other day, I heard of Justin Bieber for the first time... and frankly thought that a 16 year old baby singing 'Baby' was extremely idiotic & annoying. I have an obscure playlist consisting of the most country songs like this to long forgotten oldies like this, Bonjovi songs like this, French (yes, FRENCH) music soundtracks like this, Christian songs like this, and a dose of murderous R&B like this. That's just the tip of the iceberg... And I listen to them.. TOGETHER. Don't ask me what kind of music I like.. I'm still confused.
On weekends, my all time favourite activity still remains walking in the park in the evening. My idea of a good time is chatting over a cup of coffee, and my favourite channel on TV is National Geography / Animal Planet / Discovery Channel / History. When I go on a holiday somewhere, be it a beach, or a hill or a country side, the only thing I want to do, is NOTHING. That's my idea of a holiday.
And in my alone time what do I do? I jog. I read a bit.. but mostly I write all these silly little things that come to my head.
You might ask "Who the hell does this kind of things anyway? Exploring articles about abstract matters, reading books banished to the discount corner and the listening to the kind of music grandmothers and dead rappers approve of. Well... it seems I do. I do because I find that these are the things that interest me naturally. I don't do them because I have nothing else to do, but because they actually appeal to me. The problem starts when I start to realize that I'm pretty much the only one who seems to be behaving this way among the people I know. It's a bit of a lone ranger experience when you realize that people aren't that interested in the things that interest you. And it gets even more so when you realize that you're not really bothered that they don't - you're pretty much going to do whatever the hell you want even if it's not in sync with everyone else.
Back to what I first said, when I said I'm a boring person - it's actually a disclaimer. Because I realize that not many people find the things I do interesting, although I find them extremely interesting (hence the geek label). I'm not one of those fun guys. Many people find me to be too serious and generally.. serious people are no fun. No fun is another word for boring.
Having said that, I think some people do find me to be OK and treat me warmly. They are usually the people who are equally or more serious than I am, people who treat me like the lovable grandpa (with a few loose screws in the head) dispensing free advise, and one or two of the guys I keep locked up in my basement. But those bastards always try to suck up to me during mealtimes anyway.
Cheers
P/S : If you caught that last bit....chances are, we'll get along just fine. :-)
Monday, July 12, 2010
A Divided Heart
"I treated the opposite sex with respect yet I battle lust. I appear to be a patient person, but my hidden fiery temper waited to ignite. The net result is, I was righteous on the outside but rebellious on the inside. Hidden sins dominated me. Though I appeared to be separated from the world, I desperately wanted to be a part of it........."
I stopped. Something was tugging at my conscience and wouldn't go away.
Those words....they resonated with me. These were words honestly spoken by someone with a divided heart. Someone struggling with inner demons that refused to yield. Someone.......like me.
The difference is - that person found the courage and strength to own up to it... to turn away.
I'm still looking for mine.
I stopped. Something was tugging at my conscience and wouldn't go away.
Those words....they resonated with me. These were words honestly spoken by someone with a divided heart. Someone struggling with inner demons that refused to yield. Someone.......like me.
The difference is - that person found the courage and strength to own up to it... to turn away.
I'm still looking for mine.
It's a Football World
I woke up VERY LATE this morning....and rushed to office. No one raised an eyebrow of course. I was the perpetual latecomer of the office anyway.
"Football?" came the question.
I answered with a cheeky grin and nod of the head.
I think half of the country stayed up to watch the match at 2.30am. By the time the match ended in extra time, it was 4.30am. At the start of the world cup, I told myself I wasn't going to get sucked into all this nonsense. I even wrote a silly little post about how not to get sucked into it without being alienated. But I stayed up one night in the local coffee shop with two hundred other people watching Germany trash England 4-1. The thrill and agony of watching the star studded English team being beaten so effortlessly by a young, talented, eager and fast paced Germany team completely blew me away. My favourite team had been beaten, but I had new found favour (and respect) in the young German lads. From then on, I knew I was hooked. And when plans to go out with friends for the entire month were made squarely around football match times, I knew there was no escape.
For a month, everyone ate, drink and breathed nothing but football. Now that it's all over, I'm hoping that things will settle down again and go back to normal.
Ever noticed that during every major world sporting event, current events all across the world seem to come to a halt? It's like in that one month, everyone puts everything on pause. What happened to the impending war between North and South Korea over the submarine sinking? What happened to the BP oil spill? What happened to the Euro Zone & Greek financial crisis. What happened to the US's claims that Iran is on the verge of making nuclear weapons? What happened to the controversial Israeli ship raid? What happened to the standoff between China and Google over internet censorship? Locally, what happened to Anwar Ibrahim's trial? What happened to national shortage of oil / sugar / basic commodities? What happened to the crackdown on corrupt politicians & the governments declaration that subsidies will kill the economy?
Well, for one they definitely did not go away. They just got shoved aside for a while.
In a very global sense, events like the World Cup are like a international coffee break where countries come together to just have some lighthearted fun with each other. For an entire month, we laugh about Octopuses & Parakeets that can tell the future, Vuvuzela's that annoys the hell out of people and players that behave more like prima donnas. Instead of news of impending wars, economic meltdowns and environmental disasters, the world gets entranced by this sort of sporting war where countries peacefully battle each other not by guns and bombs, economic sanctions or political pressure, but by their skill with a ball. And the winners gain no resources, land or commodities....only bragging rights to say 'I win! I'm the champion! I am better than you!'... while the rest of the world watches and cheers on or boos..... And it's all done in the good spirit of sportsmanship.
It's almost ironic and comical in a way. The closest times we come to world peace is when we're busy battling each other on the (football) field.
How else on earth will you ever get an Italian man couching an English team, a Spanish Prime Minister offering protection to a German squid, and half the population of Malaysia sacrificing sleep to cheer a Spanish team.
Just for fun, this is a little something I wrote today. :-P
So the Orange saw red,
As the Spanish lifted gold.
I hope you didn't bet,
on what the parakeet foretold.
The Octo who tells you who will win -
It's the strangest thing I've ever seen.
Oh, What a world cup it has been!
Tonight, the Spanish dance as the Dutch weep.
I'm happy for them but seriously, I need to get some SLEEP!!
See you in Brazil in four years..
"Football?" came the question.
I answered with a cheeky grin and nod of the head.
I think half of the country stayed up to watch the match at 2.30am. By the time the match ended in extra time, it was 4.30am. At the start of the world cup, I told myself I wasn't going to get sucked into all this nonsense. I even wrote a silly little post about how not to get sucked into it without being alienated. But I stayed up one night in the local coffee shop with two hundred other people watching Germany trash England 4-1. The thrill and agony of watching the star studded English team being beaten so effortlessly by a young, talented, eager and fast paced Germany team completely blew me away. My favourite team had been beaten, but I had new found favour (and respect) in the young German lads. From then on, I knew I was hooked. And when plans to go out with friends for the entire month were made squarely around football match times, I knew there was no escape.
For a month, everyone ate, drink and breathed nothing but football. Now that it's all over, I'm hoping that things will settle down again and go back to normal.
Ever noticed that during every major world sporting event, current events all across the world seem to come to a halt? It's like in that one month, everyone puts everything on pause. What happened to the impending war between North and South Korea over the submarine sinking? What happened to the BP oil spill? What happened to the Euro Zone & Greek financial crisis. What happened to the US's claims that Iran is on the verge of making nuclear weapons? What happened to the controversial Israeli ship raid? What happened to the standoff between China and Google over internet censorship? Locally, what happened to Anwar Ibrahim's trial? What happened to national shortage of oil / sugar / basic commodities? What happened to the crackdown on corrupt politicians & the governments declaration that subsidies will kill the economy?
Well, for one they definitely did not go away. They just got shoved aside for a while.
In a very global sense, events like the World Cup are like a international coffee break where countries come together to just have some lighthearted fun with each other. For an entire month, we laugh about Octopuses & Parakeets that can tell the future, Vuvuzela's that annoys the hell out of people and players that behave more like prima donnas. Instead of news of impending wars, economic meltdowns and environmental disasters, the world gets entranced by this sort of sporting war where countries peacefully battle each other not by guns and bombs, economic sanctions or political pressure, but by their skill with a ball. And the winners gain no resources, land or commodities....only bragging rights to say 'I win! I'm the champion! I am better than you!'... while the rest of the world watches and cheers on or boos..... And it's all done in the good spirit of sportsmanship.
It's almost ironic and comical in a way. The closest times we come to world peace is when we're busy battling each other on the (football) field.
How else on earth will you ever get an Italian man couching an English team, a Spanish Prime Minister offering protection to a German squid, and half the population of Malaysia sacrificing sleep to cheer a Spanish team.
Just for fun, this is a little something I wrote today. :-P
So the Orange saw red,
As the Spanish lifted gold.
I hope you didn't bet,
on what the parakeet foretold.
The Octo who tells you who will win -
It's the strangest thing I've ever seen.
Oh, What a world cup it has been!
Tonight, the Spanish dance as the Dutch weep.
I'm happy for them but seriously, I need to get some SLEEP!!
See you in Brazil in four years..
Death & Burials...
‘Ma…let me ask you something...’
‘Yes……..’
‘What would YOU want us to do after………… after you die’
I surprised myself. I didn’t know it would be this hard to ask the question.
‘Do you want to be buried?.... Or cremated?’
It was a very morbid question to be asking on a beautiful Sunday evening. But it came to that somehow as we strolled around the park. My brother’s good friend suffered a great loss just 2 days ago. Bobby’s father died of some sort of medical complication this week. His body was cremated and put to rest next to his late wife.. Bobby’s mum.. who had died late last year. Another old friend of my mother was also in mourning. Her father had just passed away a month ago and was buried back in his home town.
I recalled my conversation with a close friend, talking about her experience going through the process of arranging her mother’s funeral and cremation just a few weeks ago. Her dying wishes were to be cremated.
I consider myself still very green when it comes to issues about death. What are you supposed to do when someone dies? How are arrangements made? Do you preserve the body? How long do you wait? What sort of things need to be done? IS there something you should ready before they die? Is there a number to call? It’s delicate issue….
In my years growing apart from my mother, I never really stopped to consider what I’d do if she died. Many nights, I’d fear for her safety. Sometimes, months would go by and we would not hear a word from her…. and my brother and I would wonder if everything was OK, or if she was still alive. But some part of me always believed that God would protect her… and that she would be alright in the end.
But faced with so many news of death recently, I had to ask this question. I needed to know from my mother what she wanted not just in life, but also in death.
‘I want to be buried……’ she said.
‘OK. So you’re totally against cremation correct?’ I asked.
‘I will prefer to be buried if possible…. Otherwise, you can bury me up north in Sungai Petani….‘
Sungai Petani was the place I partially grew up in. It was also the place she had spent almost 8 years of her life alone.
“Do you just want to be buried anywhere that is available, or is there a specific reason for Sungai Petani?” I asked….
‘The land is cheaper there.. Over here it will be too expensive. And also….. there have been only 2 places where I’ve been happy in my life. One was in New Zealand, and the other was in Sungai Petani…………. When the family was still together.’ she answered.
I kept silent…. There was a lot to digest there.. Our old hometown was over 350km away… a 6 hour drive. Memories of the last time I was there came back to me. I didn’t like the place.. but if this was what her wishes were, I knew in my heart that I will not refuse it. How do you transport someone’s body 350km away anyway? Was there some sort of envoy needed?
‘We can do that ma…. But if it’s up north, what about all the people that might not be able to attend your funeral? And it will be harder for us to visit you…’ I asked…
She kept silent for a while. I immediately regretted asking the question. It – how stupid and thoughtless… But before I could take it back.
‘It’s OK… Just family members will be enough. And if it’s too far away, you don’t have to come visit my grave every year. A few years once is also fine……… but if it’s a few years once, I think the place might be a bit unkept.’
Again….I kept quiet. This was so typical of my mother. Ever the sacrificing one.. every the accommodating person. She was always offering to give up her food, or her time, or her money for us…. I wondered if this was more of a maternal instinct or was she just naturally a giving person. Whichever it was, I respected and admired her for this selfless quality. Even in death, she was still singing the same tune…. telling me not to visit too often if it was too much trouble.
I reached out and held her by the shoulder and pulled her close.. giving her a sideways hug and a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to reassure her that there would never ever be such a thing as ‘too much trouble’ to visit her grave…. But I didn’t want to say anything further, because I was afraid I would get too emotional. Just listening to hear say those things was hard enough.
Someone once made an observation to me that I was very attached to my mother. That person went on to express that should and when my mother pass away, I’d probably be hit hardest compared to even my brother. My first inclination was to argue that while I’d certainly be sad and mourn for a period, there was no reason to believe I couldn’t get through it. Plus…. It’s not like she’s going to die anytime soon. That was what I would say…. In that past that is.
But time has gone by much faster than I previously anticipated… and I realize that I must prepare myself for the eventuality of losing her and my father in the future. I needed to talk about it because I needed to know how she want me to act and how she would feel about things. But it wasn’t just about fulfilling her dying wishes. I think that my asking her these questions were for me as much as it was for her.
I needed comfort and courage in dealing with it if and when the day comes……. and I guess I wanted to gain some from her before it was too late. I will remember what she told me today. I will remember how even in considering her own death, she would think first of her children. Such is the great love of all mothers. She might be an unexceptional woman to the world, but it was still her hands that rocked my cradle.. Indeed, I would grieve most at her death.
‘Don’t worry OK.. whatever it is… we will sort it out. Everything will be OK. I’ll take care of everything…. That is provided I don’t die before you... ‘ I half joked.
‘Don’t say that son….. it would make me very sad.’ she immediately replied.
I held her closer. I think I know what she meant.
‘Yes……..’
‘What would YOU want us to do after………… after you die’
I surprised myself. I didn’t know it would be this hard to ask the question.
‘Do you want to be buried?.... Or cremated?’
It was a very morbid question to be asking on a beautiful Sunday evening. But it came to that somehow as we strolled around the park. My brother’s good friend suffered a great loss just 2 days ago. Bobby’s father died of some sort of medical complication this week. His body was cremated and put to rest next to his late wife.. Bobby’s mum.. who had died late last year. Another old friend of my mother was also in mourning. Her father had just passed away a month ago and was buried back in his home town.
I recalled my conversation with a close friend, talking about her experience going through the process of arranging her mother’s funeral and cremation just a few weeks ago. Her dying wishes were to be cremated.
I consider myself still very green when it comes to issues about death. What are you supposed to do when someone dies? How are arrangements made? Do you preserve the body? How long do you wait? What sort of things need to be done? IS there something you should ready before they die? Is there a number to call? It’s delicate issue….
In my years growing apart from my mother, I never really stopped to consider what I’d do if she died. Many nights, I’d fear for her safety. Sometimes, months would go by and we would not hear a word from her…. and my brother and I would wonder if everything was OK, or if she was still alive. But some part of me always believed that God would protect her… and that she would be alright in the end.
But faced with so many news of death recently, I had to ask this question. I needed to know from my mother what she wanted not just in life, but also in death.
‘I want to be buried……’ she said.
‘OK. So you’re totally against cremation correct?’ I asked.
‘I will prefer to be buried if possible…. Otherwise, you can bury me up north in Sungai Petani….‘
Sungai Petani was the place I partially grew up in. It was also the place she had spent almost 8 years of her life alone.
“Do you just want to be buried anywhere that is available, or is there a specific reason for Sungai Petani?” I asked….
‘The land is cheaper there.. Over here it will be too expensive. And also….. there have been only 2 places where I’ve been happy in my life. One was in New Zealand, and the other was in Sungai Petani…………. When the family was still together.’ she answered.
I kept silent…. There was a lot to digest there.. Our old hometown was over 350km away… a 6 hour drive. Memories of the last time I was there came back to me. I didn’t like the place.. but if this was what her wishes were, I knew in my heart that I will not refuse it. How do you transport someone’s body 350km away anyway? Was there some sort of envoy needed?
‘We can do that ma…. But if it’s up north, what about all the people that might not be able to attend your funeral? And it will be harder for us to visit you…’ I asked…
She kept silent for a while. I immediately regretted asking the question. It – how stupid and thoughtless… But before I could take it back.
‘It’s OK… Just family members will be enough. And if it’s too far away, you don’t have to come visit my grave every year. A few years once is also fine……… but if it’s a few years once, I think the place might be a bit unkept.’
Again….I kept quiet. This was so typical of my mother. Ever the sacrificing one.. every the accommodating person. She was always offering to give up her food, or her time, or her money for us…. I wondered if this was more of a maternal instinct or was she just naturally a giving person. Whichever it was, I respected and admired her for this selfless quality. Even in death, she was still singing the same tune…. telling me not to visit too often if it was too much trouble.
I reached out and held her by the shoulder and pulled her close.. giving her a sideways hug and a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to reassure her that there would never ever be such a thing as ‘too much trouble’ to visit her grave…. But I didn’t want to say anything further, because I was afraid I would get too emotional. Just listening to hear say those things was hard enough.
Someone once made an observation to me that I was very attached to my mother. That person went on to express that should and when my mother pass away, I’d probably be hit hardest compared to even my brother. My first inclination was to argue that while I’d certainly be sad and mourn for a period, there was no reason to believe I couldn’t get through it. Plus…. It’s not like she’s going to die anytime soon. That was what I would say…. In that past that is.
But time has gone by much faster than I previously anticipated… and I realize that I must prepare myself for the eventuality of losing her and my father in the future. I needed to talk about it because I needed to know how she want me to act and how she would feel about things. But it wasn’t just about fulfilling her dying wishes. I think that my asking her these questions were for me as much as it was for her.
I needed comfort and courage in dealing with it if and when the day comes……. and I guess I wanted to gain some from her before it was too late. I will remember what she told me today. I will remember how even in considering her own death, she would think first of her children. Such is the great love of all mothers. She might be an unexceptional woman to the world, but it was still her hands that rocked my cradle.. Indeed, I would grieve most at her death.
‘Don’t worry OK.. whatever it is… we will sort it out. Everything will be OK. I’ll take care of everything…. That is provided I don’t die before you... ‘ I half joked.
‘Don’t say that son….. it would make me very sad.’ she immediately replied.
I held her closer. I think I know what she meant.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Cars & Buses
It was in the middle of a Thursday afternoon. We were sipping coffee, discussing business right in the heart of Singapore. My eyes had darted to the other table more than once. There were a bunch of very young, very attractive looking people having a small little discussion of their own. Unlike ours though, theirs seemed to be purely a social meet. Minutes later a car drives up. It’s a handsome looking yellow Ferrari. We all turned and looked. Ferrari’s were my only dream car when I was growing up. Even till this day, I cannot pass by a Ferrari and not stare.
Out comes a young man looking like he was barely in his thirties. We glance at each other as we turned back to our drinks. You could almost read the words off our faces – Rich Man’s Son. There was little chance this guy could have afforded such a luxury on his own. Perhaps there were young multimillionaires driving Ferarri’s in this city… but I was pretty sure such men didn’t spend their Thursday afternoons sipping coffee keeping up with the Joneses.
I looked across the car park and realize that there was a Porche parked nearby, half a dozen Mercs, and at least four BMW’s scattered around. Not exactly an uncommon sight here in this land of riches called Singapore.
After coffee, we drove out of the building. As we did, we passed by a bus station. It was just after office hours and there were least a dozen people waiting for the bus.
What a city this is.
A dozen people waiting for the bus near a car park filled with at least a dozen luxury cars.
The cost of one of those Ferrari’s was probably more than what a dozen of these bus commuters earned in a year. I wondered if anyone else thought this was funny.
Out comes a young man looking like he was barely in his thirties. We glance at each other as we turned back to our drinks. You could almost read the words off our faces – Rich Man’s Son. There was little chance this guy could have afforded such a luxury on his own. Perhaps there were young multimillionaires driving Ferarri’s in this city… but I was pretty sure such men didn’t spend their Thursday afternoons sipping coffee keeping up with the Joneses.
I looked across the car park and realize that there was a Porche parked nearby, half a dozen Mercs, and at least four BMW’s scattered around. Not exactly an uncommon sight here in this land of riches called Singapore.
After coffee, we drove out of the building. As we did, we passed by a bus station. It was just after office hours and there were least a dozen people waiting for the bus.
What a city this is.
A dozen people waiting for the bus near a car park filled with at least a dozen luxury cars.
The cost of one of those Ferrari’s was probably more than what a dozen of these bus commuters earned in a year. I wondered if anyone else thought this was funny.
Long Distance Relationships
I don’t think there is more feared kind for people to have. I was catching up with a relative last week. And she had just broken up with her boyfriend three weeks ago. They had been in a 5 year relationship before she went overseas to study for a year. One year of long distance was all it took before the relationship feel apart. I listened in silence… thinking hard about what words of comfort I could possibly offer. I had none.
My thoughts were on another friend. Who had dated this guy for 4 years. Then she came back home to KL after she graduated. Everything seemed fine. She went back for a two week holiday after six months just to see him….. and they were like two love birds sorely missing each other. She came back to KL feeling happy fully expecting a repeat in her next trip, schedule in another 6 months. But things were different the second time. He had grown distance.. and at the end of it all… he broke up with her. It took her 2 months of privately crying to herself and mourning before she told anyone of us.
One more friend also had been going steady with a guy for 2 year or so before she went to the UK to study and work for a year or two. The relationship crumbled in six months.
My other friend especially had a tough time trying to make sense of it all. She had not seen it coming at all. They had so many wonderful times together. They shared money and bought a small boat to go fishing together; a special memory she held so dearly. Now she was left with the task of deciding what to do with it now that she didn’t have anyone to fish with anymore. The boat was ‘ours’ to her.. and now it was just ‘mine’…She had gained ownership over it… but the boat itself seemed to have lost its meaning.
In my own relationship, I have been in the same steady relationship for 8 years now. Last October, she left to the middle east to serve out a one year work contract. I have been alone ever since. Back before she left, I felt pretty confident that we were able to weather a year of being apart. “It’ll take more than just 1 year to undo what we have been building for 8..” I proudly declared to her. She asked me a while back if I thought she should stay another year. The need for money was still great… and staying another year would significantly improve things for her, and for us. My answer used to be that it was up to her and that I would support her in her decision. But this time I told her “No. Come home dear…” and she agreed without any further questions.
We have continued talking on Skype at least two to three times in a week. We text each other every single day, and we tell each other what the other is up to.. even down to the silly details like what we ate for lunch so on and so forth. In many sense, our relationship has stood pretty well thus far. And for me, there was this sudden freedom from any sorts of obligations to another person. I was free to go, stay, do, eat, sleep, wake, run, walk, talk, mix and mingle whenever, wherever with whoever. In that sense, I was having the best of both worlds. A sense of emotional belonging to someone, but also the sense of complete freedom of being alone. I could have encouraged her to stay on. After all, we do need the money.
But I had to ask myself some very straight questions.. and I had to come up with some very honest answers. I cannot ignore the very real dangers that long distance relationships bring with it. I asked myself if I could stay true and loyal to the relationship should this go on for one more year…. If temptation presented itself to me again, in one form or another in that extra year, would I be able to resist it? The eerie silence from my heart was answer enough. I had already failed spectacularly within the first 3 months. I had to be honest with myself. I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was. On the relationship itself, I asked myself ‘As good as things seem to be going, are you so sure that there will be no crack in the relationship should this continue? Are you sure you will not start growing apart?’ and again, very honestly, my answer was no. I have proven myself more adaptable and less troubled by her absence than I first thought…. I was fine without her around…. and I wondered if this was a good or bad sign. I asked myself ‘How important is this relationship to me? Am I willing to risk its foundations being shaken and possibly breaking apart?’ and the answer was an even bigger no. She was more precious to me than any other selfish desires or needs… and it was my job to nurture this relationship, not crack it apart. And with that, I knew what needed to be done… and what cannot be allowed to happen.
Skype may offer free calls, and webcams may offer you’re the visible sight of your loved one…..but as great as they are, I realized that they are but a substitute, a stop-gap measure for the physical presence of that someone in your life. We need that more than we realize. I need it more than I realized…. We need people to be around us… especially those we love; the pat on the shoulder; the warm hug; the gentle tap on the hand; or even just a smile…. It is the surest, most effective, and only guaranteed means of establishing close emotional bonds with someone. And the emotional bond that exists between two people is the very core of all relationships… be it between siblings, relatives, friends or lovers. It is upon this core that everything else is built. If this gives way, so does everything else.
See, the real killer isn’t the fact that you can’t hold hands, kiss or hug each other.. but because you grow emotionally distant from each other. The physical distance inevitably leads to emotional distance. Think very carefully about the people you know in your life. Think of the people you feel most emotionally attached too. Are they not the people you see and talk to face to face the most? Don’t you feel a warm fuzzy sense of closeness every time after having just met up with someone dear to you? The opposite is true too. People do say that absence makes the heart grow fonder which can be the case sometimes. But sometimes, it is also true when they say out of sight, out of mind.
I’m not saying long distance relationships are impossible. They are, but only on an interim basis. Things like calls, emails and skype help make it easier to stay close despite the distance, but it does not generate the desire itself to remain close - that desire to draw close to one another, to be part of each other’s lives, to establish this emotional bond. That desire must exist in both ends for things to work. Long distances work against that because part of the way people cope with the absence of their loved one is learning how to get along without them. When you do that poorly, you find yourself being miserable all the time. When you do that too well, you find yourself too detached from that person. Both extremes do not bode well for a relationship. Other challenges a couple may face can usually be faced together. But in this case, not being together is the challenge in itself and each person is forced to face it alone. Imagine how impossible that sounds; trying to stay together while apart and having to do it together while totally on your own.
I realized that maintaining a long distance relationship was a lot like walking on a tight rope. Delicate balance was needed when attempting the stunt. How well has the rope been secured on either ends? How tightly secured is everything? Do you have the right resources? How long is the rope? And most importantly, are you up to the task ahead? There is no turning back once you’ve begun. But unlike the tightrope walker, there are no safety nets for the relationship should you fall. It’s do or die.
I am usually very against naysayers. I don’t like people who constantly try telling other people what can or cannot be done. Those who are the quickest to pass judgment and offer advice are often the ones with eyes, ears and hearts that are closed. And yet in this case, I see that people’s skepticism regarding long distance relationships aren’t without its merits. I feel truly sad for these friends of mine whose relationships were broken because of this.
I had little consolation to give my relative. But I offered this; all relationships are put to the test at some point or another. It is never a question of if, but when. All relationships have to survive these test that come its way in order to move forward. For some, it comes much later when the relationship is solid and able to withstand the tide. For others, they fail even at the later stages because the foundation of the relationship was simply not firm enough. For a few, perhaps the challenges come very early on, and the relationship is destroyed long before it ever had the chance to develop.. and for perhaps some very select few, storms are weathered steadfastly from the very beginning.
Difficult tasks and hard times always bring out the best and the worst in us. You never really find out what you’re made of until you are put to the test. In that way, you don’t really know how enduring your relationship is until it has been put through the fire. And I think doing long distance is one of the hardest test any couple can endure. And for my relative, at least she found her answer sooner rather than later.
My thoughts were on another friend. Who had dated this guy for 4 years. Then she came back home to KL after she graduated. Everything seemed fine. She went back for a two week holiday after six months just to see him….. and they were like two love birds sorely missing each other. She came back to KL feeling happy fully expecting a repeat in her next trip, schedule in another 6 months. But things were different the second time. He had grown distance.. and at the end of it all… he broke up with her. It took her 2 months of privately crying to herself and mourning before she told anyone of us.
One more friend also had been going steady with a guy for 2 year or so before she went to the UK to study and work for a year or two. The relationship crumbled in six months.
My other friend especially had a tough time trying to make sense of it all. She had not seen it coming at all. They had so many wonderful times together. They shared money and bought a small boat to go fishing together; a special memory she held so dearly. Now she was left with the task of deciding what to do with it now that she didn’t have anyone to fish with anymore. The boat was ‘ours’ to her.. and now it was just ‘mine’…She had gained ownership over it… but the boat itself seemed to have lost its meaning.
In my own relationship, I have been in the same steady relationship for 8 years now. Last October, she left to the middle east to serve out a one year work contract. I have been alone ever since. Back before she left, I felt pretty confident that we were able to weather a year of being apart. “It’ll take more than just 1 year to undo what we have been building for 8..” I proudly declared to her. She asked me a while back if I thought she should stay another year. The need for money was still great… and staying another year would significantly improve things for her, and for us. My answer used to be that it was up to her and that I would support her in her decision. But this time I told her “No. Come home dear…” and she agreed without any further questions.
We have continued talking on Skype at least two to three times in a week. We text each other every single day, and we tell each other what the other is up to.. even down to the silly details like what we ate for lunch so on and so forth. In many sense, our relationship has stood pretty well thus far. And for me, there was this sudden freedom from any sorts of obligations to another person. I was free to go, stay, do, eat, sleep, wake, run, walk, talk, mix and mingle whenever, wherever with whoever. In that sense, I was having the best of both worlds. A sense of emotional belonging to someone, but also the sense of complete freedom of being alone. I could have encouraged her to stay on. After all, we do need the money.
But I had to ask myself some very straight questions.. and I had to come up with some very honest answers. I cannot ignore the very real dangers that long distance relationships bring with it. I asked myself if I could stay true and loyal to the relationship should this go on for one more year…. If temptation presented itself to me again, in one form or another in that extra year, would I be able to resist it? The eerie silence from my heart was answer enough. I had already failed spectacularly within the first 3 months. I had to be honest with myself. I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was. On the relationship itself, I asked myself ‘As good as things seem to be going, are you so sure that there will be no crack in the relationship should this continue? Are you sure you will not start growing apart?’ and again, very honestly, my answer was no. I have proven myself more adaptable and less troubled by her absence than I first thought…. I was fine without her around…. and I wondered if this was a good or bad sign. I asked myself ‘How important is this relationship to me? Am I willing to risk its foundations being shaken and possibly breaking apart?’ and the answer was an even bigger no. She was more precious to me than any other selfish desires or needs… and it was my job to nurture this relationship, not crack it apart. And with that, I knew what needed to be done… and what cannot be allowed to happen.
Skype may offer free calls, and webcams may offer you’re the visible sight of your loved one…..but as great as they are, I realized that they are but a substitute, a stop-gap measure for the physical presence of that someone in your life. We need that more than we realize. I need it more than I realized…. We need people to be around us… especially those we love; the pat on the shoulder; the warm hug; the gentle tap on the hand; or even just a smile…. It is the surest, most effective, and only guaranteed means of establishing close emotional bonds with someone. And the emotional bond that exists between two people is the very core of all relationships… be it between siblings, relatives, friends or lovers. It is upon this core that everything else is built. If this gives way, so does everything else.
See, the real killer isn’t the fact that you can’t hold hands, kiss or hug each other.. but because you grow emotionally distant from each other. The physical distance inevitably leads to emotional distance. Think very carefully about the people you know in your life. Think of the people you feel most emotionally attached too. Are they not the people you see and talk to face to face the most? Don’t you feel a warm fuzzy sense of closeness every time after having just met up with someone dear to you? The opposite is true too. People do say that absence makes the heart grow fonder which can be the case sometimes. But sometimes, it is also true when they say out of sight, out of mind.
I’m not saying long distance relationships are impossible. They are, but only on an interim basis. Things like calls, emails and skype help make it easier to stay close despite the distance, but it does not generate the desire itself to remain close - that desire to draw close to one another, to be part of each other’s lives, to establish this emotional bond. That desire must exist in both ends for things to work. Long distances work against that because part of the way people cope with the absence of their loved one is learning how to get along without them. When you do that poorly, you find yourself being miserable all the time. When you do that too well, you find yourself too detached from that person. Both extremes do not bode well for a relationship. Other challenges a couple may face can usually be faced together. But in this case, not being together is the challenge in itself and each person is forced to face it alone. Imagine how impossible that sounds; trying to stay together while apart and having to do it together while totally on your own.
I realized that maintaining a long distance relationship was a lot like walking on a tight rope. Delicate balance was needed when attempting the stunt. How well has the rope been secured on either ends? How tightly secured is everything? Do you have the right resources? How long is the rope? And most importantly, are you up to the task ahead? There is no turning back once you’ve begun. But unlike the tightrope walker, there are no safety nets for the relationship should you fall. It’s do or die.
I am usually very against naysayers. I don’t like people who constantly try telling other people what can or cannot be done. Those who are the quickest to pass judgment and offer advice are often the ones with eyes, ears and hearts that are closed. And yet in this case, I see that people’s skepticism regarding long distance relationships aren’t without its merits. I feel truly sad for these friends of mine whose relationships were broken because of this.
I had little consolation to give my relative. But I offered this; all relationships are put to the test at some point or another. It is never a question of if, but when. All relationships have to survive these test that come its way in order to move forward. For some, it comes much later when the relationship is solid and able to withstand the tide. For others, they fail even at the later stages because the foundation of the relationship was simply not firm enough. For a few, perhaps the challenges come very early on, and the relationship is destroyed long before it ever had the chance to develop.. and for perhaps some very select few, storms are weathered steadfastly from the very beginning.
Difficult tasks and hard times always bring out the best and the worst in us. You never really find out what you’re made of until you are put to the test. In that way, you don’t really know how enduring your relationship is until it has been put through the fire. And I think doing long distance is one of the hardest test any couple can endure. And for my relative, at least she found her answer sooner rather than later.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Till Death Do Us Part...
I watched as my cousin walked across the ballroom as 250 other people stood and clapped their hands.
I was happy for her. She was finally marrying the man she had been dating since high school. Whatever people had to say about the husband, I knew that this man loved her sincerely and with all his heart. I believed he would make a good husband. And whatever people had to say about my cousin, I knew she would be true and loving to him. We had been close in our teenage years, and I knew her a bit better than most. She was a fun and bubbly person to be with. But underneath the exterior, was someone with a lot of loyalty.
In the table across me sat her elder sister. I remember attending her wedding all those years ago. She was now a mother of two; a son and a daughter. She was the first of our generation to get married and have children, a second followed a year later. This year, there are 3.. one of which was me.
I read that 1 in 5 marriages end in divorce here in Malaysia. That means even at the very start, the chances of a successful marriage are down to 80%. Factor in family conflicts, personal conflicts, religious differences, culture, family upbringing, goals in life, levels of maturity, intellect, interests, levels of commitment, expectations etc etc....... chances of success in a marriage don't seem too bright after all.
My own parent's marriage crumbled after ten years or so. A friend of a friend's marriage is already on the rocks barely a year after getting marriage. One close friend of mine has parents who live together, but are in practice living individual lives. They don't sleep together, they don't talk, and they don't even help each other. Someone I know has a father living overseas for over a decade now, away from the family; one can only imagine if he has another family elsewhere. Other friend told me of an uncle who secretly harboured two wives for years; both living within a 50km radius. I've come across so many men whose wives are of pure functional purposes only while affection and love is kept for the mistress. Whether it leads to divorce or not, all these marriages have fail in one way or another.
Yet, every marriage starts with good hope. No one ever thinks their marriage is going to be one of the failed ones. No one ever has vows that say '.......for better, for worse, in sickness and through health till death do us part but with an 80% likelihood of success, not counting personal differences, marital problems etc etc...' We all enter a relationship.. any sort for the matter firmly believing that it will all work out. We all have this mindset that 'those kind of things' happen to 'other sorts of people'... but not us... not you and me.. what we have is special, what we have is true....... How desperate is our want and need to believe such words. I know because these are the very thoughts I cling on to myself now that I am on the verge of getting married.
We all want to believe in love. That love will somehow smooth out the edges and make everything OK. And when they don't.. when the relationship starts to fail, when the marriage falls apart, we get disillusioned. We question if love alone is truly enough to keep two people together for life. We conclude that love alone as ideal as it is, will never be enough. Real and practical things need to be taken into consideration.. money, bills, income, companionship, compatibility, age, language, background, The romantic notions of love conquers all suddenly takes a back seat and gives way to practical issues.... and I guess in the end, some people choose to walk out simply because love has proven itself to be not pragmatic at all. To love someone who does not love you back, to sacrifice so much and gain nothing, to invest all your time, money and effort in someone that will not appreciate it not only not practical…….it makes no sense.
And yet here we all are, making plans lifelong plans to commit to each other as if all these problems will sort themselves out later.
I don’t know what compelled my cousin to tie the knot so quickly. She and her husband of all couples seemed to be facing more resistance than others. He was the only child raise by a single mother, and her mother did not seem to be consenting to the union at all. The pastor refused to marry them in church because he was not a Christian. He couldn’t convert because his mother would only allow in over her dead body. He had just graduated early this year and wasn’t exactly on firm financial footing. Minutes before they were due for their speech, the mother walked out of the ballroom….. glaringly missing when the son was trying to say thank you to the mum for raising him during his speech. She on the other hand seemed to want this marriage more than anything.. Going so far as to push the idea of marriage since last year, before he even finished his studies. Her parents objected, insisting that he at least graduate first before they tied the knot. She had put on a very considerable amount of weight in the last 5 years.. a far cry from the petite young girl that I used to hang around in the fields with.
Whatever it was… here I was wishing upon them the best of luck and every happiness for the rest of their lives. I feel very little emotional ties to my cousin now, though once upon a time we had been very close. I didn’t exactly quite like the husband either. I had known the guy since we were 13.. attending the same school, and my first impressions of him pretty much stuck with me till today. But as a couple, I want so badly for them to succeed. I want to see them beat the odds. I want to see them flourish in their love despite the opposition. I need to know that love can and does translate into real life. I need to see and feel love tearing through walls of opposition & sail through seas of difficulties….. defying all convention, norms or statistics. I want to know that as cynical as the world may be about marriage, no couple is doomed to unhappiness if they have genuine love for each other. I need to know that.
Not just for their sake……… but for my own.
I was happy for her. She was finally marrying the man she had been dating since high school. Whatever people had to say about the husband, I knew that this man loved her sincerely and with all his heart. I believed he would make a good husband. And whatever people had to say about my cousin, I knew she would be true and loving to him. We had been close in our teenage years, and I knew her a bit better than most. She was a fun and bubbly person to be with. But underneath the exterior, was someone with a lot of loyalty.
In the table across me sat her elder sister. I remember attending her wedding all those years ago. She was now a mother of two; a son and a daughter. She was the first of our generation to get married and have children, a second followed a year later. This year, there are 3.. one of which was me.
I read that 1 in 5 marriages end in divorce here in Malaysia. That means even at the very start, the chances of a successful marriage are down to 80%. Factor in family conflicts, personal conflicts, religious differences, culture, family upbringing, goals in life, levels of maturity, intellect, interests, levels of commitment, expectations etc etc....... chances of success in a marriage don't seem too bright after all.
My own parent's marriage crumbled after ten years or so. A friend of a friend's marriage is already on the rocks barely a year after getting marriage. One close friend of mine has parents who live together, but are in practice living individual lives. They don't sleep together, they don't talk, and they don't even help each other. Someone I know has a father living overseas for over a decade now, away from the family; one can only imagine if he has another family elsewhere. Other friend told me of an uncle who secretly harboured two wives for years; both living within a 50km radius. I've come across so many men whose wives are of pure functional purposes only while affection and love is kept for the mistress. Whether it leads to divorce or not, all these marriages have fail in one way or another.
Yet, every marriage starts with good hope. No one ever thinks their marriage is going to be one of the failed ones. No one ever has vows that say '.......for better, for worse, in sickness and through health till death do us part but with an 80% likelihood of success, not counting personal differences, marital problems etc etc...' We all enter a relationship.. any sort for the matter firmly believing that it will all work out. We all have this mindset that 'those kind of things' happen to 'other sorts of people'... but not us... not you and me.. what we have is special, what we have is true....... How desperate is our want and need to believe such words. I know because these are the very thoughts I cling on to myself now that I am on the verge of getting married.
We all want to believe in love. That love will somehow smooth out the edges and make everything OK. And when they don't.. when the relationship starts to fail, when the marriage falls apart, we get disillusioned. We question if love alone is truly enough to keep two people together for life. We conclude that love alone as ideal as it is, will never be enough. Real and practical things need to be taken into consideration.. money, bills, income, companionship, compatibility, age, language, background, The romantic notions of love conquers all suddenly takes a back seat and gives way to practical issues.... and I guess in the end, some people choose to walk out simply because love has proven itself to be not pragmatic at all. To love someone who does not love you back, to sacrifice so much and gain nothing, to invest all your time, money and effort in someone that will not appreciate it not only not practical…….it makes no sense.
And yet here we all are, making plans lifelong plans to commit to each other as if all these problems will sort themselves out later.
I don’t know what compelled my cousin to tie the knot so quickly. She and her husband of all couples seemed to be facing more resistance than others. He was the only child raise by a single mother, and her mother did not seem to be consenting to the union at all. The pastor refused to marry them in church because he was not a Christian. He couldn’t convert because his mother would only allow in over her dead body. He had just graduated early this year and wasn’t exactly on firm financial footing. Minutes before they were due for their speech, the mother walked out of the ballroom….. glaringly missing when the son was trying to say thank you to the mum for raising him during his speech. She on the other hand seemed to want this marriage more than anything.. Going so far as to push the idea of marriage since last year, before he even finished his studies. Her parents objected, insisting that he at least graduate first before they tied the knot. She had put on a very considerable amount of weight in the last 5 years.. a far cry from the petite young girl that I used to hang around in the fields with.
Whatever it was… here I was wishing upon them the best of luck and every happiness for the rest of their lives. I feel very little emotional ties to my cousin now, though once upon a time we had been very close. I didn’t exactly quite like the husband either. I had known the guy since we were 13.. attending the same school, and my first impressions of him pretty much stuck with me till today. But as a couple, I want so badly for them to succeed. I want to see them beat the odds. I want to see them flourish in their love despite the opposition. I need to know that love can and does translate into real life. I need to see and feel love tearing through walls of opposition & sail through seas of difficulties….. defying all convention, norms or statistics. I want to know that as cynical as the world may be about marriage, no couple is doomed to unhappiness if they have genuine love for each other. I need to know that.
Not just for their sake……… but for my own.
For Those We Love
There is this gripping scene in the final climatic moments of Lord of The Ring. Gollum and Frodo gets into a tussle over the One Ring right in the heart of Mount Doom and both of them tumble down off the cliff.
The loyal Sam Gamgee runs to the cliff to see if his master is still alive. He find Frodo hanging by the cliff, barely hanging on. He screams "Take my hand!!.." but he can't get a good grip.
For what seems like an eternity, Frodo looks down and up again and just stares at Sam. He's thinking of letting go. You see it in his eyes. He's ready to give up. He has no more strength left.
But Sam says..
"Don't you let go!" in a commanding voice....
But then in a pleading voice.... "Don't let go....."
"REACH!!!... " he finally screams out to his beloved friend and master....
And with that final push.. there is no more hesitation.. Frodo reaches out with his other hand .... perhaps realizing that the love of this person trying to save him is reason enough to fight on....and they run out to safety.
I swear I held my breath through that entire scene.
After watching it the first time, I couldn't stop feeling that we should all learn to be more of a Sam Gamgee, valiantly reaching out and for the ones we love most. We all need people like that in our lives, especially when we just at the brink of letting go... and the best way to have those people around is to BE those people.
But watching it a second time, I suddenly think that perhaps we should remember to be like Frodo too.. to have the eyes to see the love others have for us, and be willing to give it one last push and soldier on, for the sake of those who love us.
Here's the scene. It's right at the very end.
The loyal Sam Gamgee runs to the cliff to see if his master is still alive. He find Frodo hanging by the cliff, barely hanging on. He screams "Take my hand!!.." but he can't get a good grip.
For what seems like an eternity, Frodo looks down and up again and just stares at Sam. He's thinking of letting go. You see it in his eyes. He's ready to give up. He has no more strength left.
But Sam says..
"Don't you let go!" in a commanding voice....
But then in a pleading voice.... "Don't let go....."
"REACH!!!... " he finally screams out to his beloved friend and master....
And with that final push.. there is no more hesitation.. Frodo reaches out with his other hand .... perhaps realizing that the love of this person trying to save him is reason enough to fight on....and they run out to safety.
I swear I held my breath through that entire scene.
After watching it the first time, I couldn't stop feeling that we should all learn to be more of a Sam Gamgee, valiantly reaching out and for the ones we love most. We all need people like that in our lives, especially when we just at the brink of letting go... and the best way to have those people around is to BE those people.
But watching it a second time, I suddenly think that perhaps we should remember to be like Frodo too.. to have the eyes to see the love others have for us, and be willing to give it one last push and soldier on, for the sake of those who love us.
Here's the scene. It's right at the very end.
Never Alone
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I first heard this song around 8 months ago when someone quoted it to me in a Christmas card. I know I've already posted this song here before, but I was just listening to it over and over again today (I tend to do that)... thinking about a great many things.
Do you ever find that you can't help but think of specific things or specific people whenever a certain song comes along? I don't know if it's like that for anyone else, but for me there are often specific memories embedded in individual songs. And this song had a whole chapter of heartbreaking, hopeful and humbling events associated with it.
I tend to get very into things that I enjoy and a sense of mixed feelings come over me every time I close my eyes and listen to this song. A tinge of sadness, a honest word of caution, a loving offer of comfort and a general sense of hope sort of sprinkles itself throughout the song. For many reasons (personal & general), this song has become rather special to me. It's the kind of song with words that, were they yours, you'd say only to someone really special... someone who meant something to you.. someone you truly and honestly care about.
At least that's what I think.
Old Vs Close Friends
I find it extremely uncomfortable trying to relate to some old friends these days. These are usually people that were either your school mate in high school or friends in university all those years ago. Bumping into them after what seems like an eternity of not keeping touch, they suddenly start talking like you are the closest of friends riding mainly on the fact that 'the two of you go back a long way'. They expect to be invited to your wedding (which is my main grouse really), be treated warmly, etc etc....
The 'go back a long way' is true perhaps.. when you think about it strictly in sense of length of time. You go back 5, 10, 20 years or something like that. But really, that has nothing to do with the depth of the friendship. I may have known you for 10 years now.. but if those ten years consist of nothing more than pleasantries and a common school / class / subject, I'm afraid it isn't of much value to me. Here's the part that annoys me. Back then it only when so far. Today, you try to act like it has gone even further by virtue of the number of years we have known each others existence! WTF? If anything, it has only gone backwards.
It would be better if that person tried starting from scratching saying something to the effect that "Hey, we should be reacquainted... " or something of that like... THAT would be infinitely more sincere.. instead of putting up this charade of closeness.
I'm think I'm some sort of sincerity freak. I'm constantly trying to read signs of sincerity in the people I talk to. I appreciate it more when people are honest with me (even if it make means it hurts or results in uncomfortable moments) because at least I know in their heart, they mean what they say... and that they deem me deserving enough to at least know the truth. You have no idea how much I value that. This is also the reason I try to be as honest as I can with the people that mean something to me. I want people to know I'm sincere in my relations to them too....I just hope people realize that.
But as rule of thumb, the people who have known me longer do tend to be closer to me though not in all cases. Friendships do not survive on it's own. If it's alive, it is because both parties kept is so. Sometimes, new friends immediately available to you may seem like the closer ones.. but that may have to do more with your current lifestyle / living arrangements / circumstances than anything else. The ones you know are meant to last are the ones that transcend all those things.
I try not to make it sound like such a chore, but genuine friendships like any relationship require effort. If you aren't in a romantic relationship yet but wants some batting practice, start with your friends. (No, I don't mean start hitting on your friends!).... Learn how to be a genuine friend to someone. Not everyone.. just one or two people who mean something to you. Once you learn how to nurture and cultivate deep, meaningful and lasting friendships, doing the same in a relationship will come second nature. Because in essences, that's what a relationship is...... friendship with a healthy dose of romance. The romance part often takes care of itself pretty easily.. walks in the park, buying presents, candle lit dinners etc.. But the friendship part is sometimes forgotten.. the listening, the trading of mundane stories, doing of small favours, arguing about current events, shopping for groceries. sipping coffee..... Maybe people don't realize that there are multiple dimensions to the same relationship. And in the long haul, I believe it is the friendship part that sees you through it all, rather than the romantic parts.
Anyway..I think I'm living in my own world when I talk like this. Who the heck sits down, thinks and talks about 'sincerity; 'emotional proximity' and development of friendships over time anyway?
Apparently, I do.
The 'go back a long way' is true perhaps.. when you think about it strictly in sense of length of time. You go back 5, 10, 20 years or something like that. But really, that has nothing to do with the depth of the friendship. I may have known you for 10 years now.. but if those ten years consist of nothing more than pleasantries and a common school / class / subject, I'm afraid it isn't of much value to me. Here's the part that annoys me. Back then it only when so far. Today, you try to act like it has gone even further by virtue of the number of years we have known each others existence! WTF? If anything, it has only gone backwards.
It would be better if that person tried starting from scratching saying something to the effect that "Hey, we should be reacquainted... " or something of that like... THAT would be infinitely more sincere.. instead of putting up this charade of closeness.
I'm think I'm some sort of sincerity freak. I'm constantly trying to read signs of sincerity in the people I talk to. I appreciate it more when people are honest with me (even if it make means it hurts or results in uncomfortable moments) because at least I know in their heart, they mean what they say... and that they deem me deserving enough to at least know the truth. You have no idea how much I value that. This is also the reason I try to be as honest as I can with the people that mean something to me. I want people to know I'm sincere in my relations to them too....I just hope people realize that.
But as rule of thumb, the people who have known me longer do tend to be closer to me though not in all cases. Friendships do not survive on it's own. If it's alive, it is because both parties kept is so. Sometimes, new friends immediately available to you may seem like the closer ones.. but that may have to do more with your current lifestyle / living arrangements / circumstances than anything else. The ones you know are meant to last are the ones that transcend all those things.
I try not to make it sound like such a chore, but genuine friendships like any relationship require effort. If you aren't in a romantic relationship yet but wants some batting practice, start with your friends. (No, I don't mean start hitting on your friends!).... Learn how to be a genuine friend to someone. Not everyone.. just one or two people who mean something to you. Once you learn how to nurture and cultivate deep, meaningful and lasting friendships, doing the same in a relationship will come second nature. Because in essences, that's what a relationship is...... friendship with a healthy dose of romance. The romance part often takes care of itself pretty easily.. walks in the park, buying presents, candle lit dinners etc.. But the friendship part is sometimes forgotten.. the listening, the trading of mundane stories, doing of small favours, arguing about current events, shopping for groceries. sipping coffee..... Maybe people don't realize that there are multiple dimensions to the same relationship. And in the long haul, I believe it is the friendship part that sees you through it all, rather than the romantic parts.
Anyway..I think I'm living in my own world when I talk like this. Who the heck sits down, thinks and talks about 'sincerity; 'emotional proximity' and development of friendships over time anyway?
Apparently, I do.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Pains of a Writer
The thing about writing is.. you've got to strike when the iron is hot.
Sometimes, in the middle of my day be it during a shower, driving, having lunch or picking my nose, I get a flash of brilliance. Rather like a string of thought and words about a subject matter. It's like your mind is just mulling over an issue without having any particular thought.. and suddeny... everything crystallizes, clouds are lifted for a while... and for that few moments, you suddenly gain insight..... and you are able to put in a very definable, coherent way, exactly what you're feeling, exactly what you think, exactly what you mean. They string together in some brilliant sentence of enlightenment that you privately think in your heart deserve to be quoted alongside the likes of Mark Twain or Winston Churchill or Gandhi...
There's no stopping the flow of thoughts. One sentence builds upon another and before you know it, there are whole paragraphs ready to be spewed out from your mind.... You know its fleeting, you know it needs to be captured before it is lost forever in the recesses of your mind.
And that's when you usually realize you don't having anything to write it all down with. I need a pen! I need a laptop! I need to write it down! And you try to get your hands on anything to just start scribbling down what could possibly be the quote of the century..........
But when you finally sit in front of the computer, ready to jot down all you knew you had to say... nothing comes. The rush is over. The words have come and gone.. and you find yourself writing half baked versions of what you originally had in your mind which doesn't really satisfy at all.
Ever had that? I believe it's one of the pains of being someone passionate about writing.
In other words... maybe I should get an I-Pad.
;-)
Cheers...
Sometimes, in the middle of my day be it during a shower, driving, having lunch or picking my nose, I get a flash of brilliance. Rather like a string of thought and words about a subject matter. It's like your mind is just mulling over an issue without having any particular thought.. and suddeny... everything crystallizes, clouds are lifted for a while... and for that few moments, you suddenly gain insight..... and you are able to put in a very definable, coherent way, exactly what you're feeling, exactly what you think, exactly what you mean. They string together in some brilliant sentence of enlightenment that you privately think in your heart deserve to be quoted alongside the likes of Mark Twain or Winston Churchill or Gandhi...
There's no stopping the flow of thoughts. One sentence builds upon another and before you know it, there are whole paragraphs ready to be spewed out from your mind.... You know its fleeting, you know it needs to be captured before it is lost forever in the recesses of your mind.
And that's when you usually realize you don't having anything to write it all down with. I need a pen! I need a laptop! I need to write it down! And you try to get your hands on anything to just start scribbling down what could possibly be the quote of the century..........
But when you finally sit in front of the computer, ready to jot down all you knew you had to say... nothing comes. The rush is over. The words have come and gone.. and you find yourself writing half baked versions of what you originally had in your mind which doesn't really satisfy at all.
Ever had that? I believe it's one of the pains of being someone passionate about writing.
In other words... maybe I should get an I-Pad.
;-)
Cheers...
Monday, July 5, 2010
The Pride of Men
You. You and your talent.
How high you regard your won talents. How great you think your abilities. You dare not boast openly about them. But I see through your thin veil of humility. I see your arrogance. I see the smugness in your heart. You think you’re better than others. I know people like you. People like you think you don't need anybody. People like you don’t want anybody’s help. You're so confident you think by your own sheer strength and ability you will make it to the top. And at the top, you think the glory will be shared with none, but acknowledged by all. You downplay others people’s achievements and sing praises of your own. You think you deserve better. You think you deserve more.
But you have no empathy. You complain about having to clean up other peoples mess, You complain about having to make right what others have done wrong other people's screw ups. You insist people should pay for their mistakes. You proudly declare that no one will ever need to clear your mess for you. A person of your caliber will never need people to right their wrongs. How smug you are. How blind you are. You do not realize that no one has come after you for your own mistakes. You do not realize that others have helped you even without your knowledge.
I try to tell you to do it in the right spirit. I try to tell you that one day, YOU will need the help of others, to clean up the mess YOU made, to right the wrongs YOU did... and what that day come (for it WILL), you will not regret having done this favour for others today. When you do something with a giving heart, it is my belief that others will pay you in kind in the future. And yet your hardened heart refuses to yield. Your arrogance prevents you from realizing the truth….
But one day you will realize.
No one ever gets far in life riding on the back of their own abilities. We will all need some sort of help some along the way.
Keep on this road, and you will find backs turn to you the day you need help the most. Keep on this road, and you will find your path to glory a lonely and hostile one. Keep on this road, and you will encounter many others like you. And the lot of you will claw and tear at each other. Who will help you then? Who will you turn to then? You will fail. Because you will realize that everyone who has ever become anyone in life got there with the support of others. Those who reached the stars did so by standing on the feet of giants; giants who despite having the strength and ability to reach for the stars, chose not to grab it for themselves, but to shoulder and support ordinary folk like you and me to reach such heights.
Oh, but you’re no ordinary folk aren’t you? Of course not, you have talent. You have intelligence. You have caliber.
Here’s news for you. I think nothing of your talents. You may think they give you a certain standing. But in my books, they count for nothing. My respect for people has little to do with how much money they have, what job they do, how well they speak, or the kind of things you have achieved. A weak man boasts to make himself look stronger than he really is. If all you can boast about is your job, or how much you’ve achieved or how much you’ve endured. I’m afraid you have shown yourself to be a very small man indeed.
People of true caliber, people of true heart never bother telling the world what they have done.. They come, they get involve, and they make things better. They don’t complain and whine about the mistakes of others. They don’t go on and one about how things should have been instead. They don’t seek glory for themselves. They bring others up. They teach, they lead, they support, they nurture. People of calibre don’t whine about not receiving enough. They just give, give and keep on giving. Their reward is in the heartfelt appreciation by others, in the priceless value of friendship and in the pride that they have had a part to play in the rise of others. Their hearts are large, and have no fear of others eclipsing them.
Those are the people I respect. Not people with talent. But people with heart, and humility….
One day you will realize that the major value in life is not what you get, but what you become. One day you will realize that to become truly great, one has to stand with people, not above them.
A person as arrogant as you will never truly understand humility. Like meekness and kindness, you think humility is an attribute of the weak. And yet those who are meek, kind and humble possess a quiet, unshakable, unconquerable strength that you will never understand.
"The humbleness of a warrior is not the humbleness of the beggar. The warrior lowers his head to no one, but at the same time, he doesn't permit anyone to lower his head to him. The beggar, on the other hand, falls to his knees at the drop of a hat and scrapes the floor to anyone he deems to be higher; but at the same time, he demands that someone lower than him scrape the floor for him. - Tales of Power by Carlos Castaneda"
Which one are you?
How high you regard your won talents. How great you think your abilities. You dare not boast openly about them. But I see through your thin veil of humility. I see your arrogance. I see the smugness in your heart. You think you’re better than others. I know people like you. People like you think you don't need anybody. People like you don’t want anybody’s help. You're so confident you think by your own sheer strength and ability you will make it to the top. And at the top, you think the glory will be shared with none, but acknowledged by all. You downplay others people’s achievements and sing praises of your own. You think you deserve better. You think you deserve more.
But you have no empathy. You complain about having to clean up other peoples mess, You complain about having to make right what others have done wrong other people's screw ups. You insist people should pay for their mistakes. You proudly declare that no one will ever need to clear your mess for you. A person of your caliber will never need people to right their wrongs. How smug you are. How blind you are. You do not realize that no one has come after you for your own mistakes. You do not realize that others have helped you even without your knowledge.
I try to tell you to do it in the right spirit. I try to tell you that one day, YOU will need the help of others, to clean up the mess YOU made, to right the wrongs YOU did... and what that day come (for it WILL), you will not regret having done this favour for others today. When you do something with a giving heart, it is my belief that others will pay you in kind in the future. And yet your hardened heart refuses to yield. Your arrogance prevents you from realizing the truth….
But one day you will realize.
No one ever gets far in life riding on the back of their own abilities. We will all need some sort of help some along the way.
Keep on this road, and you will find backs turn to you the day you need help the most. Keep on this road, and you will find your path to glory a lonely and hostile one. Keep on this road, and you will encounter many others like you. And the lot of you will claw and tear at each other. Who will help you then? Who will you turn to then? You will fail. Because you will realize that everyone who has ever become anyone in life got there with the support of others. Those who reached the stars did so by standing on the feet of giants; giants who despite having the strength and ability to reach for the stars, chose not to grab it for themselves, but to shoulder and support ordinary folk like you and me to reach such heights.
Oh, but you’re no ordinary folk aren’t you? Of course not, you have talent. You have intelligence. You have caliber.
Here’s news for you. I think nothing of your talents. You may think they give you a certain standing. But in my books, they count for nothing. My respect for people has little to do with how much money they have, what job they do, how well they speak, or the kind of things you have achieved. A weak man boasts to make himself look stronger than he really is. If all you can boast about is your job, or how much you’ve achieved or how much you’ve endured. I’m afraid you have shown yourself to be a very small man indeed.
People of true caliber, people of true heart never bother telling the world what they have done.. They come, they get involve, and they make things better. They don’t complain and whine about the mistakes of others. They don’t go on and one about how things should have been instead. They don’t seek glory for themselves. They bring others up. They teach, they lead, they support, they nurture. People of calibre don’t whine about not receiving enough. They just give, give and keep on giving. Their reward is in the heartfelt appreciation by others, in the priceless value of friendship and in the pride that they have had a part to play in the rise of others. Their hearts are large, and have no fear of others eclipsing them.
Those are the people I respect. Not people with talent. But people with heart, and humility….
One day you will realize that the major value in life is not what you get, but what you become. One day you will realize that to become truly great, one has to stand with people, not above them.
A person as arrogant as you will never truly understand humility. Like meekness and kindness, you think humility is an attribute of the weak. And yet those who are meek, kind and humble possess a quiet, unshakable, unconquerable strength that you will never understand.
"The humbleness of a warrior is not the humbleness of the beggar. The warrior lowers his head to no one, but at the same time, he doesn't permit anyone to lower his head to him. The beggar, on the other hand, falls to his knees at the drop of a hat and scrapes the floor to anyone he deems to be higher; but at the same time, he demands that someone lower than him scrape the floor for him. - Tales of Power by Carlos Castaneda"
Which one are you?
A New Heart
I need a new heart.
One that doesn't wander.
One that doesn't covet.
One that doesn't have secret desires
One that doesn't dream so much.
One that doesn't hope so blindly
One that doesn't believe so easily.
One that doesn't search so far.
One that doesn't dig so deep.
One that doesn't scream so loud
One that doesn't hurt so bad
One that doesn't care so much.
One that is stronger.
One that is tougher.
One that is unbreakable
One that is focused.
One that is whole.
One that is pure.
One that is good.
Take this heart of mine and make it yours.
My heart is yours to keep my love, my companion, my brother, my mum, my father, my friend, my God...Take it, and do what you will to it... I give it freely. It is safer in your hands, you who love me, you who care for me, you whom I trust will do me no harm.. Better held in your keep than in mine. I trust not my fragile heart with my own shaky hands but instead............. in your steady love.
One that doesn't wander.
One that doesn't covet.
One that doesn't have secret desires
One that doesn't dream so much.
One that doesn't hope so blindly
One that doesn't believe so easily.
One that doesn't search so far.
One that doesn't dig so deep.
One that doesn't scream so loud
One that doesn't hurt so bad
One that doesn't care so much.
One that is stronger.
One that is tougher.
One that is unbreakable
One that is focused.
One that is whole.
One that is pure.
One that is good.
Take this heart of mine and make it yours.
My heart is yours to keep my love, my companion, my brother, my mum, my father, my friend, my God...Take it, and do what you will to it... I give it freely. It is safer in your hands, you who love me, you who care for me, you whom I trust will do me no harm.. Better held in your keep than in mine. I trust not my fragile heart with my own shaky hands but instead............. in your steady love.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Should Men Lie?
I got such a kick out of making the last chart that I spent the a bulk of my time tonight making this chart (as opposed to sleeping early as originally intended). I'm particularly proud of the different steps men should take when answering the same question of 'Is she pretty' but one for your partner, and one for your Ex...
I think ALL MEN, at some point or other in their lives have felt the need to lie once in a while to their partners. I think it's inevitable. We didn't start out this way you know. Once upon a time, we believed in being totally honest. Then we discovered that being honest meant getting into a lot of trouble anyway. So, being the smart beings that we are, we decided that honesty isn't always the best policy. A low chance of averting trouble is still better than zero.
So we lie, lie, lie till our pants are on fire if we are confident enough that the risk are reasonable to take.
Little do we know that women can sniff a lie a mile away... which just gets us into more trouble.
Woman oh woman. What do we do with you? Can't live with you, can't live without you.
Indexed.... almost.
Just so you know, I'm a regular reader of http://thisisindexed.com/ which is run by this person who basically draws out in charts and diagrams some of the funny observations he / she makes about stuff. I like it because it's often quite insightful, funny.. plus you don't have to read through a thousand words before you get the point (unlike this blog... :-S)
This chart was totally inspired by that. I was trained as an engineer, so looking, studying and understanding and making charts are kind of natural to me... That, plus I just had one of the most unproductive days in office for quite some time now.... and was close to dying of boredom.
Hope you like it!
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