Have you ever deliberately stayed away from someone because you thought you were bad for them?
In the quietness of my mind today, I considered for the very first time in my life this possibility – that my presence is actually bad for some people. And that I should deliberately stay away.
It was quite a radical thought for me, because up till this point I never really considered myself a walking hazard to other people. I don’t create trouble, I don’t stir up issues and I certainly don’t go around provoking others. On the contrary, I view myself as some sort of love-advocating-diplomacy-bounding-peace-keeping-kinda-guy. I never once considered that perhaps I could actually be ‘bad for someone’. Those that are actually bad for someone are the ones that are trouble makers, the ones that seem to bring nothing more than problems to those around them. THOSE are the kinds of guys that do (or otherwise should) feel that way. But not goody-two-shoes me.
And then today came. And for some reason I found myself thinking long and hard about some of the consequences of not only my actions but also my very presence has had on the people around me. How has my presence affected others? Have I brought more blessings or problems to them? What about my actions? Have they done more harm than good? What about the way I’ve been handling my relationships? Have I brought more hurt than comfort? Have I simplified and cleared things or did I just complicated and blurr things? How has the way I treat them affected the way they see things? How has it changed the way they think, feel and act?
Truth be told, there was no way I could know these answers for certain. How do you gauge what was and wasn’t a direct consequence of your presence or action? Unlike other things, life, relationships and emotions are organic & fluid in nature. They change moment to moment in response to many things. Everything shapes and molds it, but nothing actually holds and controls it.
It’s tempting to give yourself many brownie points. “I’m not a bad person” I thought to myself. But this wasn’t about how good I am.. this was about how good I have been for other people… especially those who mattered to me. And the more I thought about it, the more I digged out memories from the past, the more the illusion of me being such a blessing to others was destroyed. Perhaps on the surface, this might not seem so to people. “He’s such a nice guy” they will say… But in my heart, I know of all the dirty deeds done, the secret sins thought, planned and committed with little hesitation. And through those actions, I had hurt people deeply. And ironically, I realized that it was the people I swore in the name of love never to hurt who were the ones I hurt the most. Like drawing close t a flame, the closer they drew to me,worse they got burnt.
And that was when the thought came to me – that perhaps if I truly wanted to protect them, the best thing I could do was stay away from them.
More dangerous than the enemy you see, is the one unseen. Especially the ones that seem to come as your friend. Perhaps that was me – a wolf in sheep clothing. A person that walked, talked and acted like something pure and innocent but underneath – an unrepentant smooth talker waiting for you to let your guard down before pouncing. And knowing myself, people do eventually let their guard down around me… they think I’m trustworthy, they think it’s safe to let me in, they think I will do no harm. And that’s the scariest part for me. That people would trust me more than I would myself. I cannot guarantee that no harm will be done. Circumstances beyond my control will come in. My own weakness will come in. I am neither capable nor strong enough to come into someone’s life and not end up hurting them intentionally or not. Never again will I try reassuring someone that I will do nothing to hurt them, because I know I will.
But the only way to love someone in its broadest sense was to enter into their lives. But entering into their lives, I inevitably hurt them. Suddenly I didn’t know if I’ve been loving people in the right way. Is it possible to love someone without hurting them? Have I been doing it wrong? I ask myself who among those I loved were willing to love at the price of also being hurt. I knew some who have suffered through my misdeeds and still continue to be around… I hoped that meant that having me around was worth it for them. What about others? What about those who seem to think I’m this harmless guy? What about those with fragile hearts that need healing rather than more hurt? What about the ones who might think my friendship / relationship ISN’T worth the pain? I cannot tell anybody it will ever be worth it.
And so I concluded - as much as I may desire otherwise, to these people, perhaps it’s better for them that I stay away.
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