Till Death Do Us Part...

I watched as my cousin walked across the ballroom as 250 other people stood and clapped their hands.

I was happy for her. She was finally marrying the man she had been dating since high school. Whatever people had to say about the husband, I knew that this man loved her sincerely and with all his heart. I believed he would make a good husband. And whatever people had to say about my cousin, I knew she would be true and loving to him. We had been close in our teenage years, and I knew her a bit better than most. She was a fun and bubbly person to be with. But underneath the exterior, was someone with a lot of loyalty.

In the table across me sat her elder sister. I remember attending her wedding all those years ago. She was now a mother of two; a son and a daughter. She was the first of our generation to get married and have children, a second followed a year later. This year, there are 3.. one of which was me.

I read that 1 in 5 marriages end in divorce here in Malaysia. That means even at the very start, the chances of a successful marriage are down to 80%. Factor in family conflicts, personal conflicts, religious differences, culture, family upbringing, goals in life, levels of maturity, intellect, interests, levels of commitment, expectations etc etc....... chances of success in a marriage don't seem too bright after all.

My own parent's marriage crumbled after ten years or so. A friend of a friend's marriage is already on the rocks barely a year after getting marriage. One close friend of mine has parents who live together, but are in practice living individual lives. They don't sleep together, they don't talk, and they don't even help each other. Someone I know has a father living overseas for over a decade now, away from the family; one can only imagine if he has another family elsewhere. Other friend told me of an uncle who secretly harboured two wives for years; both living within a 50km radius. I've come across so many men whose wives are of pure functional purposes only while affection and love is kept for the mistress. Whether it leads to divorce or not, all these marriages have fail in one way or another.

Yet, every marriage starts with good hope. No one ever thinks their marriage is going to be one of the failed ones. No one ever has vows that say '.......for better, for worse, in sickness and through health till death do us part but with an 80% likelihood of success, not counting personal differences, marital problems etc etc...' We all enter a relationship.. any sort for the matter firmly believing that it will all work out. We all have this mindset that 'those kind of things' happen to 'other sorts of people'... but not us... not you and me.. what we have is special, what we have is true....... How desperate is our want and need to believe such words. I know because these are the very thoughts I cling on to myself now that I am on the verge of getting married.

We all want to believe in love. That love will somehow smooth out the edges and make everything OK. And when they don't.. when the relationship starts to fail, when the marriage falls apart, we get disillusioned. We question if love alone is truly enough to keep two people together for life. We conclude that love alone as ideal as it is, will never be enough. Real and practical things need to be taken into consideration.. money, bills, income, companionship, compatibility, age, language, background, The romantic notions of love conquers all suddenly takes a back seat and gives way to practical issues.... and I guess in the end, some people choose to walk out simply because love has proven itself to be not pragmatic at all. To love someone who does not love you back, to sacrifice so much and gain nothing, to invest all your time, money and effort in someone that will not appreciate it not only not practical…….it makes no sense.

And yet here we all are, making plans lifelong plans to commit to each other as if all these problems will sort themselves out later.

I don’t know what compelled my cousin to tie the knot so quickly. She and her husband of all couples seemed to be facing more resistance than others. He was the only child raise by a single mother, and her mother did not seem to be consenting to the union at all. The pastor refused to marry them in church because he was not a Christian. He couldn’t convert because his mother would only allow in over her dead body. He had just graduated early this year and wasn’t exactly on firm financial footing. Minutes before they were due for their speech, the mother walked out of the ballroom….. glaringly missing when the son was trying to say thank you to the mum for raising him during his speech. She on the other hand seemed to want this marriage more than anything.. Going so far as to push the idea of marriage since last year, before he even finished his studies. Her parents objected, insisting that he at least graduate first before they tied the knot. She had put on a very considerable amount of weight in the last 5 years.. a far cry from the petite young girl that I used to hang around in the fields with.

Whatever it was… here I was wishing upon them the best of luck and every happiness for the rest of their lives. I feel very little emotional ties to my cousin now, though once upon a time we had been very close. I didn’t exactly quite like the husband either. I had known the guy since we were 13.. attending the same school, and my first impressions of him pretty much stuck with me till today. But as a couple, I want so badly for them to succeed. I want to see them beat the odds. I want to see them flourish in their love despite the opposition. I need to know that love can and does translate into real life. I need to see and feel love tearing through walls of opposition & sail through seas of difficulties….. defying all convention, norms or statistics. I want to know that as cynical as the world may be about marriage, no couple is doomed to unhappiness if they have genuine love for each other. I need to know that.

Not just for their sake……… but for my own.