Long Distance Relationships

I don’t think there is more feared kind for people to have. I was catching up with a relative last week. And she had just broken up with her boyfriend three weeks ago. They had been in a 5 year relationship before she went overseas to study for a year. One year of long distance was all it took before the relationship feel apart. I listened in silence… thinking hard about what words of comfort I could possibly offer. I had none.

My thoughts were on another friend. Who had dated this guy for 4 years. Then she came back home to KL after she graduated. Everything seemed fine. She went back for a two week holiday after six months just to see him….. and they were like two love birds sorely missing each other. She came back to KL feeling happy fully expecting a repeat in her next trip, schedule in another 6 months. But things were different the second time. He had grown distance.. and at the end of it all… he broke up with her. It took her 2 months of privately crying to herself and mourning before she told anyone of us.

One more friend also had been going steady with a guy for 2 year or so before she went to the UK to study and work for a year or two. The relationship crumbled in six months.

My other friend especially had a tough time trying to make sense of it all. She had not seen it coming at all. They had so many wonderful times together. They shared money and bought a small boat to go fishing together; a special memory she held so dearly. Now she was left with the task of deciding what to do with it now that she didn’t have anyone to fish with anymore. The boat was ‘ours’ to her.. and now it was just ‘mine’…She had gained ownership over it… but the boat itself seemed to have lost its meaning.

In my own relationship, I have been in the same steady relationship for 8 years now. Last October, she left to the middle east to serve out a one year work contract. I have been alone ever since. Back before she left, I felt pretty confident that we were able to weather a year of being apart. “It’ll take more than just 1 year to undo what we have been building for 8..” I proudly declared to her. She asked me a while back if I thought she should stay another year. The need for money was still great… and staying another year would significantly improve things for her, and for us. My answer used to be that it was up to her and that I would support her in her decision. But this time I told her “No. Come home dear…” and she agreed without any further questions.

We have continued talking on Skype at least two to three times in a week. We text each other every single day, and we tell each other what the other is up to.. even down to the silly details like what we ate for lunch so on and so forth. In many sense, our relationship has stood pretty well thus far. And for me, there was this sudden freedom from any sorts of obligations to another person. I was free to go, stay, do, eat, sleep, wake, run, walk, talk, mix and mingle whenever, wherever with whoever. In that sense, I was having the best of both worlds. A sense of emotional belonging to someone, but also the sense of complete freedom of being alone. I could have encouraged her to stay on. After all, we do need the money.

But I had to ask myself some very straight questions.. and I had to come up with some very honest answers. I cannot ignore the very real dangers that long distance relationships bring with it. I asked myself if I could stay true and loyal to the relationship should this go on for one more year…. If temptation presented itself to me again, in one form or another in that extra year, would I be able to resist it? The eerie silence from my heart was answer enough. I had already failed spectacularly within the first 3 months. I had to be honest with myself. I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was. On the relationship itself, I asked myself ‘As good as things seem to be going, are you so sure that there will be no crack in the relationship should this continue? Are you sure you will not start growing apart?’ and again, very honestly, my answer was no. I have proven myself more adaptable and less troubled by her absence than I first thought…. I was fine without her around…. and I wondered if this was a good or bad sign. I asked myself ‘How important is this relationship to me? Am I willing to risk its foundations being shaken and possibly breaking apart?’ and the answer was an even bigger no. She was more precious to me than any other selfish desires or needs… and it was my job to nurture this relationship, not crack it apart. And with that, I knew what needed to be done… and what cannot be allowed to happen.

Skype may offer free calls, and webcams may offer you’re the visible sight of your loved one…..but as great as they are, I realized that they are but a substitute, a stop-gap measure for the physical presence of that someone in your life. We need that more than we realize. I need it more than I realized…. We need people to be around us… especially those we love; the pat on the shoulder; the warm hug; the gentle tap on the hand; or even just a smile…. It is the surest, most effective, and only guaranteed means of establishing close emotional bonds with someone. And the emotional bond that exists between two people is the very core of all relationships… be it between siblings, relatives, friends or lovers. It is upon this core that everything else is built. If this gives way, so does everything else.

See, the real killer isn’t the fact that you can’t hold hands, kiss or hug each other.. but because you grow emotionally distant from each other. The physical distance inevitably leads to emotional distance. Think very carefully about the people you know in your life. Think of the people you feel most emotionally attached too. Are they not the people you see and talk to face to face the most? Don’t you feel a warm fuzzy sense of closeness every time after having just met up with someone dear to you? The opposite is true too. People do say that absence makes the heart grow fonder which can be the case sometimes. But sometimes, it is also true when they say out of sight, out of mind.

I’m not saying long distance relationships are impossible. They are, but only on an interim basis. Things like calls, emails and skype help make it easier to stay close despite the distance, but it does not generate the desire itself to remain close - that desire to draw close to one another, to be part of each other’s lives, to establish this emotional bond. That desire must exist in both ends for things to work. Long distances work against that because part of the way people cope with the absence of their loved one is learning how to get along without them. When you do that poorly, you find yourself being miserable all the time. When you do that too well, you find yourself too detached from that person. Both extremes do not bode well for a relationship. Other challenges a couple may face can usually be faced together. But in this case, not being together is the challenge in itself and each person is forced to face it alone. Imagine how impossible that sounds; trying to stay together while apart and having to do it together while totally on your own.

I realized that maintaining a long distance relationship was a lot like walking on a tight rope. Delicate balance was needed when attempting the stunt. How well has the rope been secured on either ends? How tightly secured is everything? Do you have the right resources? How long is the rope? And most importantly, are you up to the task ahead? There is no turning back once you’ve begun. But unlike the tightrope walker, there are no safety nets for the relationship should you fall. It’s do or die.

I am usually very against naysayers. I don’t like people who constantly try telling other people what can or cannot be done. Those who are the quickest to pass judgment and offer advice are often the ones with eyes, ears and hearts that are closed. And yet in this case, I see that people’s skepticism regarding long distance relationships aren’t without its merits. I feel truly sad for these friends of mine whose relationships were broken because of this.

I had little consolation to give my relative. But I offered this; all relationships are put to the test at some point or another. It is never a question of if, but when. All relationships have to survive these test that come its way in order to move forward. For some, it comes much later when the relationship is solid and able to withstand the tide. For others, they fail even at the later stages because the foundation of the relationship was simply not firm enough. For a few, perhaps the challenges come very early on, and the relationship is destroyed long before it ever had the chance to develop.. and for perhaps some very select few, storms are weathered steadfastly from the very beginning.

Difficult tasks and hard times always bring out the best and the worst in us. You never really find out what you’re made of until you are put to the test. In that way, you don’t really know how enduring your relationship is until it has been put through the fire. And I think doing long distance is one of the hardest test any couple can endure. And for my relative, at least she found her answer sooner rather than later.